Sometimes, All you can do is laugh...

Sorry for this post, I'm all over the place right now, I can't even think...

I passed out in front of Philip. Given I had drank, but the world spun, I said something about dying. And boom. Hit the floor. I open my eyes to paramedics walking through my door. Perfect. Just perfect.

All of this meant that I was completely unprepared for my doctors appointment, the three week one, that I've been preparing for... The one where I'd decided to eat, so that when I was weighed I didn't have to worry about anything.... Well that didn't work, I'm down another five pounds since my last appointment. My doctor called his boss to talk to me... 'Five pounds in three weeks isn't healthy...' 'Your heart beat was only 42 bpm.' 'Your blood pressure was 87/40' 'You're wearing under armor and layers of clothing.. But you've been in here shivering for half an hour.' Then came the tests, blood pressure sitting, standing, and laying... EKG to check my heart function.. Blood tests to check my electrolyte levels and my thyroid... Recommendation for a doctor, a therapist... blah blah... I have a follow-up appointment in a month, to make sure I've maintained my weight. Which realistically, I won't have... Because I ate all I could this time, and still didn't manage it.

I'm only getting more active, I'm only getting more busy... Even if I ate normally, it would be hard to keep weight on. They said if I keep it up, I'd be in the hospital by christmas. I know it's bad that I am so satisfied. Horrible that now that the weight has fallen off, I intend for it to keep melting.

They gave me a whole bunch of paperwork, It's essentially what they look at when eating disorders come up... They shouldn't have done that... Because now I know just what to do... I know how to keep things going my way, and I know how to make sure they notice less, Everyone that would do anything knows anyway... My parents won't have a clue, until I'm eighteen and it won't matter anymore.

Every time I think about this, I just start laughing... I'm so stressed right now... The school year is about to start, I'm just trying to prepare myself for it, I have a lot to get rid of, I am throwing away a whole bunch of stuff. I just don't want it all... I need less of everything. Less of everything but bones. I have the willpower to do this right. I'm starting the ABC diet, we'll see how it goes. As long as I stay active I shouldn't have to worry too much about my metabolism.

The doctor scared me, but at the same time, it motivated me. I won't let it go, If I still look normal. I look 'healthy'. I don't want to. I guess I'm feeling slightly manic. Because all this is starting to be funny. Everyone pushed it, I am done with listening. I'm going to trust myself. Because I deserve to do what makes me happy... And really,

Sometimes, All you can do is laugh...

xxxBlakexxx