I'm sorry...

Oh Eli, I'm sorry in advance...

I went to the doctor yesterday for my ankle... And I talked to the doctor like Eli asked, and he said that I was dealing with some "disordered eating" like I couldn't have figured that out. Hah, he's giving me a referral for a dietician, which I pick up in 21 days when I go back to see how my ankle is progressing.

Here's the thing... I know that in three weeks, everything is going to change... I know that I'm going to be stuck talking to people that think they know what's best for me. And technically they do, but that doesn't mean I agree.

Thinking back now, I remember talking about how I loved the loss of control when dizziness hit, how I knew that it meant everything was working... But when that happens at work, or on a bicycle, or on a motorcycle... You're asking for serious trouble... People can't help but notice when you can't stand up, and look straight. They know when you're sweating, but you're cold as ice. They know, when you finally fall.

Maybe this is all spurring from a dream I had last night, it left me disoriented this morning...

I was at the Recreation Center at OSU ( my uni) and I was exercising, watching the calorie expenditure climb and climb, until next thing I knew I had burned a pound worth of calories, without even switching machines... I slowed down to get off of it, and maybe it was the loss of momentum, the lack of movement pushing my blood through my veins, but I started to sway... Then the whole world went black....

There it turned into an, out of body experience for a moment, I saw myself, a crumpled heap on the floor, people shouting and running for staff members, then it fades out again...

And I'm back in my body, looking up at paramedics, who know.... I know they know, and it's too late to convince them otherwise...

And then I woke up...

Yet I still find myself torn, between pushing as hard as I can, for the next 21 days, and then drinking water and a two liter of diet soda before my appointment, and wearing layers of clothing.

And attempting to maintain my current weight, at least for a little while, until the heat is off... But living with Eli, I don't know if it'll ever be off again... So I need to decide if it's what I'm going to do. If I am going to make a decision and stick with it, because what I decide isn't going to change for a while...

See if I lose ten pounds before that appointment, then I'm in a bit of trouble, because that's past the point of healthy fluctuation... And the doctor knows that, and he's going to be looking for that. If there was ever a time to worry, that time is next week. When the Rec Center opens again, (on tuesday) I guess I'm a bit apprehensive about it after that dream...

[Here's what I'm really sorry for Eli. You might save yourself some stress, and just stop reading...]

The current game plan. 10 pounds, 21 days. It's excessive, but I did my research and it's not enough weight to be an anorexia symptom.... Especially if a person has been sick... But the way I figure is, no matter what, the cards have been dealt. The game is going to play out, and the weight I lose now, really wont affect it all that much. And it's going to be easier than I thought.. I burned around 2900 calories more than I consumed today...

As the weight drops off, I have to be more and more aware of my stability. I can't let myself pass out or something. To be really honest, I'm a little bit afraid... I feel.... Out of control...

But then again, that makes sense...

This is Ana's world now...

Not Mine.

xxxblakexxx