I just don't know.

Day 1: Easier start than I figured.

However, I did walk into class late. Made a disturbance, tripped. Dropped everything. Sat down. Was not even my class. =| That's pretty much the concept of my whole day.

I told Eli last night, that I thought he should stop reading. He just rolled over and didn't say anything.

"Please don't be mad at me."

"I'm not."

"Could have fooled me..."

I told you he was going to be angry... Your fault for letting him find out in the first place...

Then there was silence.... Complete silence. Until I fell asleep and then I dreamt about crazy things. So much turmoil in my head. I really need to talk to Eli but I'm afraid to push it. I'm going to try to talk to him tonight. Hopefully that will be successful. I won't have time or energy after today, I've got studying to do, and lots of homework. Plus I'm going to be working like crazy, this is my last day off, for quite a while.

I really need his support... If he's going to know. I just wish he'd talk to me. Tell me what he's thinking, even if it hurts. I can't handle the silence. That's so much worse for me than anything else. He could yell, scream, or cuss. I wouldn't care. I just need him to understand that numbers rule my life...

I just need to try and spend some time taking care of myself. I have to start thinking about my needs, I need to focus on the fact that I can achieve everything that I want. And I can eat anything I want, but in moderation... Lots of moderation.... Ballet is going to be good for me. The skinny bodies everywhere... I feel depressed and out of control when I'm not hungry. I hate feeling full. I really do hate it with a passion though. My stomach gets huge, my cheeks get puffy. The fat just engulfs me.

It just pulls at me, and my stomach growls like crazy... I mean if my stomach is going to growl no matter what, why eat? Especially if I just feel sick. My doctor understands... Everything has to be perfect. I don't have the time or energy to fight a losing battle.

I hurt. It hurts. I keep thinking about dying. Not that I want to die, or anything. I just keep wondering what will be the thing that kills me? Will it be fear of food? I can picture the headlines now...

I've been thinking about my ex a lot... Yesterday was the three year mark of when I started dating him, it would have been three years of hell, except for the fact that he cheated on me at church camp because I was too fat. I think about the cutting, it's becoming, less scary... That fact, right there is what actually scares me. Things in me, in my head. Are changing, I'm actually starting to feel disordered. I'm feeling less and less present. And it's getting harder to cope as soon as I eat. I've been getting lost in my own mind. And I'm scared.

But I'm also determined, which is probably worse. I've learned so much. There is no such thing as choosing the 'Ana' lifestyle. If you 'choose' it, you're just a bullshitter. It doesn't work like that. You find something that works, and it consumes you. Ana gets in your mind, to the point where we've actually personified this disease. This disease, it fucks with you. It throws you off balance... She gets under your skin and pinches at your fat, at your muscle even, telling you that muscle weighs more than fat... And all that matters is the number on the scale, so you better get rid of it.

It becomes a part of you. The voice in your head doing the endless crunches, with the never-ending repetitive chant of fat, fat, fat, thinner, thinner. People talk about the 'voice of Ana' like it actually exists. It doesn't exist! Your own mind plays tricks on you... Its a belief that you will never be thin enough. or good enough. When you reach 90 you'll only want 85... And you'll hate yourself until you reach absolute zero.... The unattainable. The perfection. The goal you can only reach in death. And once you're there... It doesn't matter anyway.

I don't want to die. But my doctor thinks I will if I keep this up.

Why are we striving for perfection? We'll NEVER reach it. Why must we torture ourselves? When at the end of our shortened lives, what we'll have accomplished will have had nothing to do with our jean size. Or the number on the fucking scale.

We'll be dead and gone and all anyone will be able to say is

"It's so sad... She was just too thin..."

THERE IS SUCH A THING.

Why do we all strive to be too thin?

Striving for perfection?!

We. Are all. Striving. For Death.

Why do people expect us to be models? Why do we expect it from ourselves. I bet most of us will never be models. I bet none of us will make money for how we look in Chanel. We're not making a career out of our looks. We're spending all of our time playing a game that WE LOSE.

If we attain our goals. We're dead. We die. That's not winning. We haven't even lived yet.

If we don't, that voice in our head tells us we're failures.

Either way, eventually WE lose.

GAME OVER

I can't even diet right....

Okay. RIDICULOUS.
Eli is moved in... And once again, I totally lose my resolve when he worries me. I've eaten more in the past 24 hours than I have in the past week. BULL SHIT.

I'm starting over. I hit the gym before classes in the morning. Time for for real boot camp. I'm done with this.

"I want to feel your bones on my bones."
yeah. bones. My ribs were showing up... I'm not going to lose this because I am a weakling. I have everything going for me. Everything is pushing me to do this right. I'll be thin by christmas, and skinny by spring break.

Time to trust myself.

I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.I trust me. I trust me. I trust me.

Starting over.

Ana Boot Camp #2

Day 1: 400 Cal

No excuses. If I don't follow this, I don't even deserve to be thin.

xxxblakexxx

A, B, C, as easy as 1,2,3...

So here's my progress on the ABC diet, not doing so well... But it's also the last week before school starts so everyone is doing something. On that note, I AM pretty proud of myself. =]

(By the way, this diet is slightly modified... Getting rid of most fast days, and exchanging them for super low cal days)

Day 1. 400 cal

Also, Chiara's Birthday.

Cheeseburger(500) and Salad(100) at her party, kept them as healthy as possible. It was her 19th birthday, and she was paying, so she and I got the same thing (substituting her tater tots for a salad)

Total: 600 =[

Day 2. 550 cal

This one's a hard one to explain, I overate. But, I also walked about five miles that I hadn't intended to walk in about an hour and fifteen minutes (4mph pace) burning near 500 calories I hadn't planned on...

1 Almond (7) 3 oz of Roast Beef (RB) on lettuce (200) Jello (20) Low-cal popcorn (150) cheese (90) cream cheese spread (10) NeuroBliss drink (35)

Total:505 Hmmm maybe it just seemed like more.... That's a good thing actually

Day 3. 300 cal

First day at new job, ughhh

4 kosher, mini, dill pickles (20) 1 Almond (7) 1 Beef taquito (72.9) Slice of pepperoni (10) Veggies and Ranch (60) Energy chew (20)

Then... BUM BUM BUUUUM.... My after work binge.. =[ An ENTIRE mini pizza, and a pepperoni sandwich. put me 404 over. =[

Total: 704 =[ =[ =[

Like I said, bad week.

Day 4: 400 cal

(The day is just starting)

Eli moves in today, his parents are coming too. I don't know what's going to happen there, but I also have to work at 5 o'clock until 8. This is the majority of his move in time. And though I DO feel bad about not helping him [moving stuff is exercise..] His parents should have eaten before they came to town =] I'm going to aim to have nothing but water until he gets here today, and I am going to do some laundry pretty soon. I am doing a little exercise thing on the tele while I wait for that to be done. =] I'm also going to catch up on sit-ups, I have 300 to do before the day is over. =P And I should get those done before Eli arrives...

I've also noticed that I've started riding my motorcycle in less clothes, so that I am colder. It makes me more aware, and it burns calories, so no REAL complaints there =]

I've been waking up cold every morning. Even started closing the windows. Which I never do. All of them are closed now, which is weird. But oh well. I was 146 when I was on the scale a bit ago. =] Hopefully I can keep it there. *fingers crossed* I just know that once I hit the 130s I'll be fine, and I know I won't go back. =] Plus once my scale says 130s I know I'll actually probably be low 140s... I don't trust it... =[

I'll keep updating lovelies. This is going to be a battle. I'm hoping to get a picture up sometime in the near future. Probably three ish weeks. Once things slow down...

Oh! Side note: I got a dining room table. It was expensive, but it's really pretty. and I now have a surface to draw on or do homework on, outside of my room =]

Well, off to the real world now! I have a million things to do before work! Love you all! See you soon! =]

xxxblakexxx

Sometimes, All you can do is laugh...

Sorry for this post, I'm all over the place right now, I can't even think...

I passed out in front of Philip. Given I had drank, but the world spun, I said something about dying. And boom. Hit the floor. I open my eyes to paramedics walking through my door. Perfect. Just perfect.

All of this meant that I was completely unprepared for my doctors appointment, the three week one, that I've been preparing for... The one where I'd decided to eat, so that when I was weighed I didn't have to worry about anything.... Well that didn't work, I'm down another five pounds since my last appointment. My doctor called his boss to talk to me... 'Five pounds in three weeks isn't healthy...' 'Your heart beat was only 42 bpm.' 'Your blood pressure was 87/40' 'You're wearing under armor and layers of clothing.. But you've been in here shivering for half an hour.' Then came the tests, blood pressure sitting, standing, and laying... EKG to check my heart function.. Blood tests to check my electrolyte levels and my thyroid... Recommendation for a doctor, a therapist... blah blah... I have a follow-up appointment in a month, to make sure I've maintained my weight. Which realistically, I won't have... Because I ate all I could this time, and still didn't manage it.

I'm only getting more active, I'm only getting more busy... Even if I ate normally, it would be hard to keep weight on. They said if I keep it up, I'd be in the hospital by christmas. I know it's bad that I am so satisfied. Horrible that now that the weight has fallen off, I intend for it to keep melting.

They gave me a whole bunch of paperwork, It's essentially what they look at when eating disorders come up... They shouldn't have done that... Because now I know just what to do... I know how to keep things going my way, and I know how to make sure they notice less, Everyone that would do anything knows anyway... My parents won't have a clue, until I'm eighteen and it won't matter anymore.

Every time I think about this, I just start laughing... I'm so stressed right now... The school year is about to start, I'm just trying to prepare myself for it, I have a lot to get rid of, I am throwing away a whole bunch of stuff. I just don't want it all... I need less of everything. Less of everything but bones. I have the willpower to do this right. I'm starting the ABC diet, we'll see how it goes. As long as I stay active I shouldn't have to worry too much about my metabolism.

The doctor scared me, but at the same time, it motivated me. I won't let it go, If I still look normal. I look 'healthy'. I don't want to. I guess I'm feeling slightly manic. Because all this is starting to be funny. Everyone pushed it, I am done with listening. I'm going to trust myself. Because I deserve to do what makes me happy... And really,

Sometimes, All you can do is laugh...

xxxBlakexxx

Triumphs and Failures

Triumph: Helmet Success. =]

Failure: I'm Fat

Triumph: I can see me shoulder blades quite clearly no matter what I wear when I relax completely. No strange flexing necessary :P

Failure: I'm sitting at 150 again... Waiting for my stupid doctors scale to tell me I'm fat and that I am not in fact losing weight. As were the rules....

Triumph: Did 100 sit-ups the other night before I crashed, and I'm going to keep it up... Starting to do 100 per night going for 200 eventually

Failure: I can't keep up my willpower. If I see food, I'm just drawn to it.

Triumph: I haven't said I'm hungry in forever... I'm going to do my best to never say it again.

Failure: I'm so hu*g*y... All the time.

Triumph: One less person I know reading my blog... Chiara is no longer a reader... Well she said she wont... And I'm going to trust that she wouldn't totally betray me like that.

New UGW... 100... It's just such a pretty number... And it's a tentative goal, one where I see what I look like at 12- and 11- before I decide...

Eli moves in this next weekend... And then things get easier. No more going out to eat every weekend. He'll buy real food and then he won't want to spend the extra money going out... Which will make life so easy... New goal.. To eat half of anything I put on my plate.... That way if someone offers me seconds....Well... I'm still only having a serving...

Energy supplements...Laxatives... Diuretics.... So many thoughts are swarming my mind...

I shouldn't... But I probably will anyway...

What I really want... Like really really want.. Is thyroid medicine.... It's created to speed up your metabolism if you don't process stuff correctly. Who says I have to let a doctor decide what correctly means for me... It should just mean fasterrrrr.

Contemplating changing my blog address for security purposes... (i.e. people that know me reading, as things are going to change when school starts) I'd post my email and let you all contact me for the new address if I did that. Might have a new name on it also, I also would ask a couple of other bloggers to post my new address on their blogs... I'm just afraid stuff is going to start getting to intense... Let me know what you think lovelies.

I'm drowning in My imperfections.

xxxblakexxx

Wonderland

It's a strange world I live in...

This week... has been insane. I'm sorry for the lack of posting, but there have been things in my life that required my attention, and not me whining about them to all of you.

Where to start....

Thinking about the doctor... I came to the conclusion that I didn't want to be 'dealt with' so I decided to work hard to maintain my weight, at least through my doctors appointment.

My suggested weight for my height is 145 pounds, which means anorexia is technically here at 116.

But my goal weight is lower than that?

Maybe it shouldn't be.... But thin, is, just so appetizing. It's the only thing that is...

Anorexia kills people every year... Its the most deadly psychiatric disease...

Deadly...

That's a scary word....

So I took a break from the exercising, and I'm eating semi-normally, but I'm also maintaining my weight... Which means my metabolism has sped back up. Which is really good. I'm going to continue with that for a while, through my doctors appointment. Then I'll kick it back into gear.. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing yet, but I'm going to do something, once I kick this plateau in the ass, I'll never ever go back. One year from now, I could be at my goal, and I could do it by losing less than a pound per week. It's by no means quick, but It's possible, and it's healthier, well.. As healthy as it can be...

Good news though, I did get the job at Papas that I wanted, so that will be two jobs during the school year, and I'm joining a sorority. So that's going to be a lot... And I have to be perfect... I have to keep all my grades up, I have to be a star employee, I HAVE to be a better girlfriend, and I should attempt to be a good daughter as well.

Today though, I left the garage door open for just a minute, because I forgot something, and someone stole Eli's motorcycle helmet, I replace the helmet on friday. It won't be the same as his, or have a tinted visor like his did... But it'll be a high quality helmet...

So I'm basically just freaking out. I need everything to be perfect...

I definitely almost had a breakdown today making pasta... Yeah, making some fairly healthy broccoli pasta, and I started panicking... Seemed ridiculous, even to me... I'm just way too stressed right now...

Things are spiraling out of control, I just need to be perfect....

I'm Alice in Wonderland, Watch me Fall...

xxxblakexxx

I'm sorry...

Oh Eli, I'm sorry in advance...

I went to the doctor yesterday for my ankle... And I talked to the doctor like Eli asked, and he said that I was dealing with some "disordered eating" like I couldn't have figured that out. Hah, he's giving me a referral for a dietician, which I pick up in 21 days when I go back to see how my ankle is progressing.

Here's the thing... I know that in three weeks, everything is going to change... I know that I'm going to be stuck talking to people that think they know what's best for me. And technically they do, but that doesn't mean I agree.

Thinking back now, I remember talking about how I loved the loss of control when dizziness hit, how I knew that it meant everything was working... But when that happens at work, or on a bicycle, or on a motorcycle... You're asking for serious trouble... People can't help but notice when you can't stand up, and look straight. They know when you're sweating, but you're cold as ice. They know, when you finally fall.

Maybe this is all spurring from a dream I had last night, it left me disoriented this morning...

I was at the Recreation Center at OSU ( my uni) and I was exercising, watching the calorie expenditure climb and climb, until next thing I knew I had burned a pound worth of calories, without even switching machines... I slowed down to get off of it, and maybe it was the loss of momentum, the lack of movement pushing my blood through my veins, but I started to sway... Then the whole world went black....

There it turned into an, out of body experience for a moment, I saw myself, a crumpled heap on the floor, people shouting and running for staff members, then it fades out again...

And I'm back in my body, looking up at paramedics, who know.... I know they know, and it's too late to convince them otherwise...

And then I woke up...

Yet I still find myself torn, between pushing as hard as I can, for the next 21 days, and then drinking water and a two liter of diet soda before my appointment, and wearing layers of clothing.

And attempting to maintain my current weight, at least for a little while, until the heat is off... But living with Eli, I don't know if it'll ever be off again... So I need to decide if it's what I'm going to do. If I am going to make a decision and stick with it, because what I decide isn't going to change for a while...

See if I lose ten pounds before that appointment, then I'm in a bit of trouble, because that's past the point of healthy fluctuation... And the doctor knows that, and he's going to be looking for that. If there was ever a time to worry, that time is next week. When the Rec Center opens again, (on tuesday) I guess I'm a bit apprehensive about it after that dream...

[Here's what I'm really sorry for Eli. You might save yourself some stress, and just stop reading...]

The current game plan. 10 pounds, 21 days. It's excessive, but I did my research and it's not enough weight to be an anorexia symptom.... Especially if a person has been sick... But the way I figure is, no matter what, the cards have been dealt. The game is going to play out, and the weight I lose now, really wont affect it all that much. And it's going to be easier than I thought.. I burned around 2900 calories more than I consumed today...

As the weight drops off, I have to be more and more aware of my stability. I can't let myself pass out or something. To be really honest, I'm a little bit afraid... I feel.... Out of control...

But then again, that makes sense...

This is Ana's world now...

Not Mine.

xxxblakexxx