And I'm fading again...

I barely missed going to the hospital last month. My vitals had been terrible, but when I went in for my assessment I had drank so much water that everything looked a lot better and I was only recommended to do partial hospitalization. Which they couldn't fit into my class schedule. So the agreement was that if I gained weight I could stay on an outpatient basis, but if my orthostatic vitals showed that my pulse went up by more than 40bpm when I go from laying down to standing up that I was going to be hospitalized. So I gained. 

Doctor Visit. Therapy. Dietician. Rinse. Repeat.

They porky pigged me up 15 fucking pounds. 

My wedding is in July.

Last week, I was able to convince my dietician to agree to temporarily stop increasing my meal plan because it was too stressful with my upcoming wedding. 

Last week, I got my period back. After fourteen months. That was the last straw. I can't do this. I feel like a failure. I don't want to get better if it means being this fat.

I don't care about what the doctors say, they can't make me go to hospital, they can only recommend it. I can refuse. This weight has to go. I have until July 7th to lose 15 pounds.

I can't live like this.

Whatever. It. Takes.

xxxblakexxx

ssttla

Well, Shit.

Can you believe it's been a year?

I thought I was going to post more often, then I thought life happened and I didn't need this blog anymore. But here I am, the holidays, one week away from a road trip to visit Eli's family. Freezing in a snowstorm after what is possibly the shittiest day in a very long time. And after all of this time, thinking I was fine. Thinking everything was totally in my past.

I go to the doctor today, and I leave with a diagnosis. A fucking diagnosis. The diagnosis that I never thought I would get, and there it is, in black-and-white. Anorexia nervosa, restricting type. Yet, I leave my doctors appointment feeling totally invalidated by him. He didn't seem like he took me seriously, he didn't give me great advice, I had to ask him for referral to dietitian. And he doesn't say anything about a diagnosis.

But then I look at my chart online tonight, on the patient website. And there in black-and-white, there's a diagnosis. A diagnosis he didn't even say anything to me about.
So, here I am totally suck. I have no idea what to do and I'm afraid. I have thought that I would feel so successful when I finally got here. When I was skinny enough, sick enough, worrisome enough to qualify for that elitist diagnosis.

 But instead, I feel confused. I don't feel like I accomplished anything, I don't feel like I'm somehow satisfied with my weight, thinking that if I just got here everything would be fine. As if the diagnosis would somehow indicate that I were in fact thin. But all I see still is fat.
I don't have any idea how to tell Eli, I don't know how to see his family for five whole days, in just a week. And I don't know how to fix this feeling.

My therapist today made me sign this paper, it was a disclosure agreement. It was an agreement that lets him call Eli, if he gets concerned for me. I asked him if I had a choice, He told me that I did, that I could choose to not sign it. That if I did that he would just break confidentiality if he needed to. So, I didn't really have choice. My choice was either do it of my own volition, or have him call him anyway if he felt the need. So I signed.

He tried to feather the blow, by saying that it was only because he was concerned and that he'd never had a reason to be concerned before. All of this without knowing that diagnosis. Just knowing the thoughts I share with him, after working on building a relationship for over a year. I feel cornered by him doing that, even though I am sure that he felt it was best or he wouldn't have done it.

He asked me if I wanted to die.

I don't.

I just want a break. I just want a couple of weeks where I don't have to think or try or struggle.

But a couple of weeks is too long.

I have a follow-up with my doctor on Monday, my therapist is calling me on Friday to check-in. I don't understand why everyone so concerned honestly. Nothing feels that different to me now than it ever did before. But apparently something changed enough to make them care.

So, Here I am.

Somehow, more broken than before.

xxblakexx

sstt

Vacation with Eli's Family

We arrived last night, a beautiful rental house in the snowy mountains here for an early Christmas. Family events are always stressful. I mean everything is food centric. But I'm trying really hard to be calm about it because I don't want to stress Eli out around his family. But he's being kind of a jerk. 

I got up early this morning and showered and did my hair so I'd be ready to go whenever it was time. Not everyone else was up yet and I have sat around for the past two hours waiting and playing around on my tablet. Now Eli seems to be frustrated with me for playing games on it because he wanted to go out and do things. Hello?! Say something.

I've been up and ready to go since before you were even out of bed. You don't get to be mad at me since you never opened your mouth. 

Whatever though. Stressing is good for the appetite.

1/3 banana 30

Half a cup of black tea 0

Blackberry Chia Squeeze 65

We will see what the day brings.

Stay strong lovelies. They can't make me eat.

Xxblake

Pros & Cons

Why does my current weight feel like too much?

Because I'm fat and jell-o like

My back bulges, my thighs aren't good shape anymore

My arms are enormous and soft, like the michelin man

My face is so round

The only thing that is right is that my clothes go on.

Because I want to be fragile

Weight range I could agree to. 125-135

Pros and cons of losing weight

Pros

Look better

Feel better

Fit all my clothes

Can be in photos

Don't have to stress over how I look

Don't want to cry when I look in the mirror

More active

Compliments are nice

IRONMAN training?

Brett thinks I'm more attractive

Look better in a spandex tri suit

Not the 'fat girl' on the team

Faster

My rings fit better

The scale doesn't confuse Eli and I

I can borrow clothes from friends

My mom even compliments me

No overheating

Meal planning efficiency

Saves money

Dont look like a slob with no self control

Going clothes shopping isn't terrifying

No love handles

Uh Cheekbones

Collarbones for days

You are what you eat

Eli can carry me without straining

Feel clean

No fat rolls when I sit

I feel high when the weight drops on the scale

Cons

Obsess over food

Can't eat out with friends/or it takes forever to choose food

Stress Eli out

Miserable at plateaus 

Lying to Eli about what I eat

My stupid rib becomes more obvious

Apparently people feel entitled to comment at family gatherings

Hungry

Cold. So cold.

Dizzy

More time at the gym

Dumb ridges in my nails

Hair kind of falls out

Cons of me being myself

Can't go to the grocery store like a goddamn adult

So much of this started with my ex. He gave me my first rubber band. Just snap yourself when you're hungry.

 Xxblake 

Shrinks and shrinking.

I haven't lost any weight still. Final exams. I haven't been to the gym in over two weeks but I'm writing this and then heading out the door to go workout. The weather has been terrible so I haven't even been active outside or anything. There have been flood warnings, etc.

I'm pretty happy that my weight is stable. It didn't seem like it would be possible to maintain with how sedentary I have been but it is.

My shrink asked me about my goal weight at our appointment last week. I told him I didn't really have one... Lies. Then he pushed me and asked what I thought a good number was. I said 125. Lies. He told me that wasn't enough for my build. Then he told me I need to establish a weight range. Something that I think I can feel comfortable in so that I don't have compensatory behaviors when I'm within it I guess. Thing is. I can't imagine a weight range I'd be comfortable in because I'm not comfortable in my body. But I'm thinking 125-135 would be a good number to tell him because I know he'll check it against the BMI charts and whatnot.

He also told me to make a list of pros and cons of losing weight. Like there are cons.

I had Eli make one and I have to take them into my shrink on tuesday. Along with a weight range that I can agree to. 

What happens if I drop below that? Still a long way off especially since my weight loss has seriously slowed down. But I don't know. It worries me to agree to anything. Because I don't know what happens if I don't keep my word.

here goes

xxblake

141

My weight hasn't gone down, actually it went up a couple of pounds and then back, but my body has changed. Maybe its muscle, I don't really know. But what I do know is that I have a thigh gap again and all my clothes fit or are too big and I'm strangely okay. I want my weight to go lower, but I don't feel the dread I normally feel. The desperation to get away from my current weight.

Maybe this is all temporary and the stress of finals is just getting to me, but some really good stuff has been happening in my life and I am strangely content. Unexpectedly content.

I'm happy.

I still have issues no doubt, I still see my shrink every week. But right now, I'm feeling like I actually am headed towards my goals, like my future is somehow more attainable. I feel like my brain is starting to work again. Maybe I'm just fucking high or something, maybe my place has a gas leak, who knows. But I want to hang on this feeling.

I mean, I ate pizza last night and woke up with my weight slightly down. I want a life like this, I want to drink hard cider with my friends and not be terrified of every outing that involves food. I want to enjoy an anniversary dinner because it is the celebration of a wonderful loving relationship, rather than feel resentment that I have to eat at it. I want recovery feelings but not recovery weight.

I want both. I want that to be possible. I know it probably isn't but for now I'll keep a tight grasp on these feelings of mine and hope that they stick around.

stay strong, hold on through the holiday season
xxblake

Free Fallin'

140.9


This is happening so fast.

Once I tip into the 130s the game changes.

Into the 120s - Danger zone.

I'm totally out of it and I think I may be coming down with something, I forgot what happens to my immune system when I really restrict. Oh well, dumping on the vitamins for now.

I'm starting to worry about a doctors appointment I have coming up Dec 2nd. I can not have my weight be even what it is now, much less whatever it is a month from now. But faking 20 pounds for a weigh-in? That's crazy talk. Or technically I could avoid it all together, they don't know about my ED history. Maybe I could just refuse to weigh.

Either way, just about to my goal for the start of triathlon season next year. This was supposed to be reached in March. At this rate I won't be able to race.

Tomorrow marks 3 months since my relapse. I wonder what the 3 month total will be?

Depends on how today goes I guess.


xxblake

Keep Calm!

@Keepcalm
Girl, I miss you!

I still have the same old email, (also on the sidebar), I lost most of my old emails though so I don't have yours anymore... :( Please please please shoot me a message!

Halloween weekend was quite the mess for me, everyone was drinking and eating and I got drunk and slipped. This is why I don't drink anymore. I can't trust myself. But the scale only crept up about half a pound so I'm assuming once the salt bloat goes away that it'll be back to where I was. Plus I have a new goal in sight.

140.0 (By holiday), but maybe, just maybe, it could be by thanksgiving? I had my appointment with the psych for med management on the 23rd, so I need to make some progress before then. I'm for decreasing some anxiety but not for losing my edge. I've already made a list of anti-anxiety meds associated with weight gain and loss.

Just have to be smarter than my body in the time being.

140.0 140.0 140.0

xxblake

Success within the mirror.

So here's the thing. I was having all of these negative feelings this morning. And I wrote this blog post, Stressing over where my head is at right now, etc. and I realized, I'm really afraid of having a diagnosis. Which is weird, because for the longest time that was exactly what I wanted, like a validation of some sort… Like congrats you're sick enough to deserve help. But now I'm afraid of how it will affect my life in the future.  My health insurance, future doctor visits, etc.

I'm also afraid of what it would be. Because I don't want a diagnosis that also makes me feel like a failure.

Part of me worries that I won't be able to deal with any of this without having a diagnosis. That fixing it requires accepting it and dealing with it. But I worry about what that will take from school.

I also really wish I could see my therapist 2x per week. But that isn't part of the treatment plan and I don't think I'd be able to increase it without divulging more than I feel ready to share at the moment. Especially because I'm afraid this would lead to more with the psych he wants me to talk to. The way that meeting the med prescriber goes, is they have a consult with me and then they either deem that they can check in with me on the phone once in a while and I can just see my current therapist, or they require that I meet with them semi-regularly to follow-up in addition to seeing my therapist, and I like the current guy and I don't really want to mess that up, I like talking to him, it's as comfortable as it can be I think and I'm afraid of talking to someone else.

But then I got home from school and stepped on the scale.

144.2lbs

Now I don't even care. I'm so fucking elated right now that I really just don't care.

I wasn't able to fast like I wanted to the last couple of days but I did get away with only one meal and a couple of snacks each day on Su/M/T and today I've had a few grapes and a 140kcal fiber/protein bar.

I know dinner is on the menu tonight. Eli says 'we should talk'.

I already know why. He watched me stare at the snack drawer reading labels for 5 minutes today and finally snapped "It's okay, just take one!"

I know what this conversation is about and I know it isn't going to go very well. I'm too happy about today's numbers. 

I also know he finds me more attractive now than the twenty pounds more that I weighed in August.

stay strong

xxblake

Midterm Exams...

Totally overwhelming... I've alternated between bingeing and restricting so much I can't even handle life haha.

There was this girl with an ED that came into my clinic shift this last week. She's been IP a couple of times and IOP a couple more. It makes me feel like a failure. I get that this is the nature of this disorder, the competitiveness... But I hate that I've never been sick enough for that.

I want to fast. SO badly. Next week for a couple of days I think. Maybe sunday, monday, and half of tuesday. I'll include juice and maybe a protein shake. But keep it under 300kcal, 500kcal, and 200kcal respectively. So fasting, but not so much.

I want to do more than that. Maybe also on Thursday... I just have to be careful because we're going to go out on Friday and Saturday night for halloween and I want to not look totally hideous in my dress because I'm going to be the devil in this tight little dress. =/ But I also know that if I eat nothing then I'll be a shitty mess when we go out.

I see my psychologist again on Tuesday, and he wants me to see a psychiatrist at the clinic to get on anti-anxiety medication. Does anyone have experience with those? Did it make you gain?

3-5 pounds by next weekend. We can do this.

xxblake

Dinner out...

Fast was successful yesterday, (mostly) had half an apple and some broth last night but still went to bed hungry. I've had fruit today and some mini rice cakes (because I'm weak). Dinner out is looming. I told Eli last night that maybe we shouldn't go. But I'm afraid to not go. If I back out now, he'll want to talk about why.

I don't want to talk about why. I just want to shrink. Down another couple of pounds. I think I'm going to stay on the pills I'm on for another week (apparently it makes you bloat a bunch). Then see what I look like and see if I drop any weight after I come off of it. It has a half life of 36hrs so it takes about 2 weeks to get out of my system fully.

I wish I felt thinner. I'm watching the scale change but I don't feel like I'm changing.

Good luck this weekend lovelies
xxblake

Here's a pic... ugh.

Fasting has actually been going pretty well... I haven't craved carbs like this in a while though. I thought I'd actually post a picture of where I'm at right now because I don't know that I've ever done that before. It won't be my face for obvious reasons but I think I'll be more accountable if I realize other people have seen how awful I look...

I'm bloated as shit and I have that nasty belly pooch but it is significantly better than it was just in July. I'm getting back that familiar bridge from my hip bones. I forgot how I had missed that. Lets see how much progress I can make before Halloween... I may have already hit my GW for that date but what fun it would be to get to my holiday GW by the time I have to get dressed up to go out!

Why is it that my boobs are always first to go?

xxblake
stay strong lovelies

Fasting today...

Because why not? Eli isn't here all day today and my schedule doesn't overlap as much with my friend from school.

No one will notice. No one would even care.

I may have my coffee this morning, but other than that a little bit of juice diluted with water, tea, and if I'm just jonesing for food I'll have some broth (5kcal per cup). Then adderall to keep me focused through the day. I'm almost giddy about the whole idea. I had forgotten about how much I missed this control.

If all goes well and everything is avoidable, I may continue on into tomorrow (until we go out for dinner. Dee we're supposed to be on this meal program with a 'cheat meal' on Friday. So it isn't just going out for dinner, it's finding the crappiest food that tastes the absolute best and gorging ourselves on it for dinner Friday. Shit. The benefit is we aren't supposed to bring leftovers home. So whatever I don't finish we leave at the restaurant.

I've already got a couple of rules for it, no cheese, no deep fried (they make my stomach hurt).
The options left after that are already a lot better.

Well, anyway. Off to put my nose to the grindstone, exam this afternoon. Fasting today, fasting half of tomorrow? Should be a floaty time.

xxblake

New Drug?

I've started on a new weight loss drug... I know that it has been considered very dangerous by some but I don't really care at this point. My weight can't keep staying the same. I'm being careful with it, taking all the necessary supplements and drinking plenty of water.

If Eli finds out, game over.

It just makes me so warm. This still shouldn't be as bad as using it in the summertime was. It also makes me super out of it, but then I have adderall to pick me back up...  Just get rid of this plateau, because more exercise and less food doesn't seem to be doing it. If I could just lose like 5 or 10 pounds for right now I'd be happy.

Oh who am I kidding, no I wouldn't be.

xxblake

Happy Monday I Guess...

I had another nightmare last night. This time Eli didn't leave me, this time I died. But I was still there, and I kept trying to tell everyone that even though my heart had stopped that I was there and I was fine and everything would be okay.

But no one could see me. Even though they would talk right to me. Everyone said that they couldn't see me. So I guess I really was dead? Maybe it was 'my spirit' or whatever. But I called the doctor that had removed my heart and he could hear me too. But he told me that sometimes this happened. That people just had trouble letting go when it was time and that I needed just to accept that it was the end for me and I needed to leave everyone alone… I started to fade then, so I went to find Eli. But he could see me, and hear me. It was like nothing had changed. Only my heart was no longer beating. But he held me, and it was wonderful. But I started to fade away anyway...

Then I woke up sobbing, and laid with him until I was going to be late for school.

My head is all fucked up again.

xxblake

Not losing... Not gaining. Just desperation.

Wtf. I'm trying this workout program and meal plan… It is supposed to glean some really great results but there is so much food. There hasn't been a single day this week that I could eat everything on the meal plan.

I also saw a psych yesterday. I'm not totally sold on the whole idea but I have so much anxiety… I'm not talking to him about any Ana stuff. This is just about life stuff and school. But talking about feelings is better than eating them. So I'll keep seeing him once a week or so. Apparently I have adjustment disorder. Which I think is a kind way to say I am a complete control freak that cant handle changes I don't have complete power over... Shocker.

The second week of school and I haven't lost any more weight. But it has at least stayed constant at 149.

I still have at least 15 pounds to go though.

5 more by the end of October.

This has to happen. I'm so desperate

xxblake

Fat Fuck.

This weekend was terrible. Eli and I had to go to a dinner with this event crew that I volunteer with. There was so much food that couldn't be avoided and once I started I couldn't fucking stop. Today hasn't been much better. I worked out for a while but I've been hoovering food down. I am so frustrated with myself. I just don't know what to do.

I need to stay out of the house and away from the food. I just can't really do that because I feel so awful for leaving my dog at home all day without activity but I get home and I'm so tired that I can't do anything. I've still gotten my workouts in but my activity is just low outside of that.

My stomach hurts so bad from all the fucking food.

stay stronger than me
xxblake

15 pounds down...

I'm getting so high off this feeling. I had forgotten what it was like to lose like this.

I'm starting to see bones again. Just a little. But I am.

Problem: Eli comes home for the weekend tonight. The goal is just to not gain.
No more than 2 drinks per night and only if I've already worked out.
I also have a friend coming to visit probably, he's a sweetheart and knows about my Adderall use previously, as he had some addiction issues and I talked to him at the time so that I could hear from someone that understood what it was like to get off an addictive substance.

My real concern is that he'll notice that I'm not normal. It's hard to bounce meals off of people when they are both in the house with you. When I go to school, I ate before I came. When I get home, I ate at school. The thing is, I am still eating. Just not a lot.

Fuck the doctors who wouldn't help me because my weight was normal. I'll show them.

I know the weight loss is going to slow down soon. That scares me, that's when the real games begin. My own sicker version of the hunger games.

Can't worry about it if I'm working out. Off to the gym.

Have a good day/weekend lovelies, I'll likely be back when Eli goes back to work.

xxblake

And no one notices.

I've slipped. It's magical.
 I'm down 13 pounds.

I've been better about the Adderall than I thought I would be. I'm only using it when I really need it. Which is good. Because Eli would definitely notice. Low doses really have an effect now and I talk a mile a minute.

Year 2 has started at school. There is so much work already and I'm just halfway through the first week. I haven't even been to all of my classes yet. But I can do this, I can focus and I want this. Badly.

I slipped up on my and Eli's trip to visit family last month. He saw a playlist on my phone that he shouldn't have. But I just wrote it off and he made me delete it. I did, but I have a new, better one now. I managed to hide the Adderall use from him on the trip and God, it really helped me control my eating. But I feel guilty about it.

He said the other night that he was so proud of me for stopping the Adderall use. That he knew that it was really hard and he was so glad I did it. I couldn't even say anything.

It was heartbreaking

Especially because I know he is going to find out eventually. It isn't the type of thing I can hide well once the dose increases. So I'm motivated to at least not use it everyday. I'm off it completely on the weekends when he and I spend all day together and I'm going to only try to use it on my long class days.

I know that ana has a tendency to come between relationships. But I hope that someday he can forgive me for this. Really, that's why I can do this. Because in the back of my head I know he will always forgive me. He will always be there for me. This is just a minor setback. I'm just hoping that I can get to my GW and then discontinue the use slowly. Maybe without him ever noticing. Hopefully.

I really love this man. I just can't believe he loves me too. It seems too improbable.

xxblake

Adderall... I'm bAck

I emailed my doctor today.
I thought I could do it without the adderall, I thought I could handle school, life, and everything else.

But I can't, well. I can. But I can't get skinny doing it too.

This way I can. This is the focus that I need. No more struggling to do an assignment I can do on adderall in 2 hours, what would normally take me 8...

I can't wait for that fix. I hate myself a little bit for this. I worked so hard to stop this. To get away from this and feel like myself again. But it isn't actually worth it to me anymore.


xxblake