And I'm fading again...

I barely missed going to the hospital last month. My vitals had been terrible, but when I went in for my assessment I had drank so much water that everything looked a lot better and I was only recommended to do partial hospitalization. Which they couldn't fit into my class schedule. So the agreement was that if I gained weight I could stay on an outpatient basis, but if my orthostatic vitals showed that my pulse went up by more than 40bpm when I go from laying down to standing up that I was going to be hospitalized. So I gained. 

Doctor Visit. Therapy. Dietician. Rinse. Repeat.

They porky pigged me up 15 fucking pounds. 

My wedding is in July.

Last week, I was able to convince my dietician to agree to temporarily stop increasing my meal plan because it was too stressful with my upcoming wedding. 

Last week, I got my period back. After fourteen months. That was the last straw. I can't do this. I feel like a failure. I don't want to get better if it means being this fat.

I don't care about what the doctors say, they can't make me go to hospital, they can only recommend it. I can refuse. This weight has to go. I have until July 7th to lose 15 pounds.

I can't live like this.

Whatever. It. Takes.

xxxblakexxx

ssttla