Merry Christmas!

Through all the holiday eating I've had to do, the scale blessed me with 134.5 today. No where near where I want to be. But there is the potential for it to be so much worse. Today/Tomorrow is christmas, so I won't get to go for a jog like I'd like. But I'll get to crack back down on monday. I've done a decent amount of exercising, and it is superbly easy to get away with just one meal a day at my parents house. It'll be nice going back to uni the same weight (thinner?) as before. Then I won't have any more work than I have to...

For everyone trying to survive the holidays with family and friends, I wish you well. Drink lots of water. But also try and enjoy yourself. Holidays are the most terrifying days to me, so my focus tomorrow is to just try and have fun, avoid food, but have fun most importantly. 

This day comes once a year and no matter what I'd like to think, it isn't worth an argument with anyone about what I'm eating.                                                 

 I hope you all are doing well, I'll get back on the blogging horse soon, I promise.

xxxblakexxx

stay strong, think thin. you can do this.


Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Good Night!

AWOL

I'm sorry I've been gone, this break was supposed to involve a whole lot of posting.

I don't get why I don't do it, it's not to say I've lost the passion. I'm just so brain dead.

Christmas is a couple days a way. It's a damn shame I couldn't give myself a new low weight for christmas. At this point I just want to stay 135.0 or lower through the holidays. I just need to get back to school. Away from all this food.

I want to here how everyone is. Fill me in.

xxxblakexxx
stay strong

It's finally over.

Finals. This cycle of eating like shit. I get to be in control again.

Thank you Ana. I felt like you were slipping away.

I'll get time to write a better post tomorrow.


I'm Back Bitches.


xxxblakexxx

2:1

2 down. 1 to go. Only this one is the hardest.

fuck.

Finals.

One down. Two to go. If I get all A's on my finals. I get all A's in my classes.

Wish me luck

xxxblakexxx
#stresseating

fuck.

Finals Week.

It's here. And now.

Last week was dead week. I'm dead. Only three more days and I'm free.

Three more days and I'm under control.

Only three.

Weight is still at 134. WTF. at least it's not worse.

xxxblakexxx

soon lovelies.

The Mask

She wakes up and stares at the mirror,

 wishing for something more to appear. 

Something that people can be proud of, 

Something that people could aspire to. 

Instead all she finds every morning is a coward. 

A girl hiding behind the strength of a mask. 

It gives false courage and false beauty, 


beauty that someone, someday, might fall in love with. 

But what happens when the illusion fades

and she must take off the mask upon slumber? 

She doesn't. 

She doesn't remove the mask, 
and the mask and the master become one.

It forms to every crevice and every imperfection hiding the truth by becoming the truth.

Until the morning comes when she wakes up and stares at the mirror,

 wishing for something more to appear. 

She doesn't use the mask to keep the world out.

 She uses the mask to keep herself in.

xxxblakexxx

I want.

I WANT. TO NOT ADMIT THAT I'M CAPABLE, OF WANTING, OF WEAKNESS.

I looked away

                                                                 Then I look back at you

You try to say 

The things that you can't undo

If I had my way

I'd never get over you

Today's the day

I pray that we make it through

                                                                Make it through the fall 

                                                                Make it through it all

I feel like I'm on the brink. I'm sleeping more, thank god. I didn't eat until late friday night. then again on saturday and on sunday (drinking and birthday). There are these moments where I feel like I'm floating on top of the world. Then others, like these. Where I feel I've plummeted to nothingness. Two midterms today. One tomorrow, homework. Sorority. I'm so terrified I won't make grades. Honestly my biggest fear at the moment. Not my weight. My grades. But this thing in my head. It's making it impossible to focus on anything but how I'm not exercising. How I'm eating shit food. How I hate how I feel. I want to get it together. I want it to be easy, school, not starving. I want Chiara to stop acting strangely, I want to not be so broke. I want to be thin. I want, I want...

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I don't want to talk about it

                                            And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you                                           .

                           I don't want to talk about it...

When I come undone

You bring me back again

Back under the stars

Back into your arms

I want summer back. I want things to stop feeling like they are sliding through my fingers. I want to have time. Maybe just one extra day of weekend per week. Just so I could actually relax or exercise without giving something else up.

I want to stop being so fucked up.

i want a perfect body

i want a perfect soul

I want to not worry the person I care about more than anyone else in the world. 

i want to be in complete control

I want to stop pretending I don't care so hard I start to believe myself.

i would give up anything

I want to excel at everything again.

anything...

I want to be better than me.

for just a taste of the perfect i dream about

I want to stop hiding the mess that I am.

i want the perfect facade, a flawless mask

Things change, but that doesn't mean they get better.

What I've Felt

What I've Known

Never Shined Through in What I've Shown

Never Be, Never See

Never Free, Never Me.

xxxblakexxx

willpower & reasoning

It's pathetic, how pathetic I am.

fat and disgusting yet i just keep eating. and thinking about food. I don't need it, I don't want it.

i just keep thinking, i could be so small right now... if i'd only had some willpower then...

but instead, i'm here, like a fucking balloon. but with a worried boyfriend, my god. he's really worried. and now i have this doctor on me. all because of a stupid cough. i'm kind of confused on what to do. i know i need to make a follow up. but i don't want to. i'm afraid.

blood tests were done when i went to the doctors to find out if i had the flu(i didn't) but what the returned with analysis was really low iron levels (.1 into the normal range, not officially anemic). So the doc decides to analyze my blood stores, because she's concerned. women are recommended to be around 50, my value was 8.3

i'm afraid of what 8.3 means to me

and to my body. probably reason to be afraid, i mean it causes fatigue, blah blah. which helps explain stuff, despite my lack of sleep.

i'm frustrated and lonely. and Eli is worried, but i just don't care. about much of anything, talking to anyone. hanging out with people. i went out with chiara last night. it took me over an hour of holding my drink to drink it. because it had calories. and i hadn't had any yet. jesus. once i finally did, i hung out with her and we really had fun. i haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time. we drunk called old friends. walked around for an hour. i ate a banana when i got home. which was somehow disappointing. but it's the only solid thing i've had in two days.

i don't feel anything.
i don't feel lighter.thinner.stronger.

i always feel something by now, and i'm looking for that familiar high, not the exhaustion i have, not the weakness.

but theres nothing but weakness. i want to cave. i want an excuse. but i refuse to let myself go searching for one. no matter how tempting.

has anyone ever done that? found someone you know you'll have to eat with. just for that momentary relief. the 'well i HAVE to eat, otherwise they'll be suspicious'. and then for a moment, it's not your fault, and it's not so awful that you went searching for that situation, just relief that you can tell ana 'hey, i tried. but i had to eat'

i want to do that. but my head won't let me. i know better. better than to break.

xxxblakexxx

Tired.

Sometimes you just need sleep to function. That seems to be the one thing I'm missing. Lack of sleep increases your appetite by a bunch. And all I have is a lack of sleep. I want to eat all the time. My weight is stable, around 137 pounds. I can't complain about it, except for the fact that it could be so much better.

I could be thinner, lighter, better.

But my lack of will, and lack of sleep are making it impossible. I just don't know what to do.

lovelies, help me.
I don't know where my willpower went.

blake

Recruitment week is here...

Sorority recruitment...

It's weird to think I'm a person that actually made it to the other side, instead of just attempting to get in. Here I am, recruiting others. Telling them to 'join the Greek Life Family'

I'm stress eating today. Well, I have been... I'm going to the gym tonight. I am going to try to be there until midnight. But I don't know if it will be as easy as that. I'm so tired already. I can feel this whole thing weighing on me. Things feel complicated. But instead of avoiding food. I'm attempting to find solace in it. 

this is not okay.

I don't like how I feel but for some reason I can't stop. I don't intend to eat much this week. I figure I can be down to 133 or 132 by Saturday (The day my Sorority gets new members = lots of pictures = :{  )

Even in eating too much today and yesterday, it shouldn't be too hard to pretty much avoid all but maybe one meal per day until Saturday.

I need my weight to be down. I REALLY. Need it to be down.

No reason it can't be. No reason at all. I'm getting there. Slow and sure.

xxxblakexxx

When You're Broken

I apologize in advance... I'm just so scattered.

Months and Years, time and talk. Still though, I'm followed by this demon. I just can't escape.

My dark passenger, I've begun to think I enjoy the show Dexter as much as I do because I see the same darkness in his character. Just portrayed differently.

Everything is just as planned, everything just how i need them. How I saw them in my head. I'm getting thinner, running faster, spinning... spinning. More involved within my sorority. But I'm broken.

I'm damaged.

I saw an old friend, J today. She and I talked about horses, well she talked. I listened. It made me realize how much I missed my own horses. I wish I could go back in time, and just spend a little bit more time with them. Maybe not focused on school so much. Just taken that extra time. Just a little bit.

I'll never be the same without horses, they were so much a part of me.

And then, of all things. To see Dick tonight, after all this time. The icing on my fucking cake.

I don't know why seeing him hit me so hard. I don't like him as a person, he wasn't even a great friend. He always made me feel awful about myself, 

     That may be all this is.

So why do I feel so rejected? We didn't even talk.

Like I still have to impress him, gain his approval. Of what?

Regardless, I feel so godawful. I'm not okay.

But I know tomorrow will roll around, like nothing has happened. The world will just keep spinning around me. I'll smile, pretend the world is flowers and cotton candy. I'll go about everything just as a should. Participate in my never-ending act.

But I'm broken. In a million little pieces.

And worse yet.

Knowing I have to pick up all those stupid little pieces. On my own. When I could really use the help.

But I won't be weak. I'm not going to compromise my facade for support. When It's something I know I can power through.

It will just take some determination.

Not Something I Lack

But something I'm very tired of.

I'm sick of trying so hard, and getting so little.

I'm trying, but I can't hold on anymore. I think.

I'm just so broken.

But I hear there's Beauty in the Breaking...

I know I need to believe in myself. I just don't have it. The will. The magic.

No fairy dust can fix this. I'm sure though, Chiara will eventually ask if I'm okay, and I'll lie.

-Like I Should

No one will know what I'm holding back. They can't. A burden too heavy to carry.

It's harder to see pain through a mask. I'll do this. I'll paint it on. A concrete angel. Stone cold emotion. What emotion? 

Exactly.

I'll be an angel for everyone. Everyone but me that is. For me...

 I'll be concrete.

xxxblakexxx

CW 134.8

Till' I Collapse.

First day of school today...

I thought I'd find myself more prepared than this.

But my morning has consisted of breakfast with chiara (50 cal expresso/ sugar free vanilla syrup) and currently I'm trying to work on a liter of blueberry pomegranate flavored sparkling water (0). 

It would be easier... but i'm
so.

dead.

tired.

 But I can do this. Because, sometimes,
'you're tired, you feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.'

'Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth. Till the smoke clears out and my high burns out I'ma rip this shit till my bones collapse.'

I am going to persevere, I will not give up. I will not give in.
 ' Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them'

 I will stay on top of things. I will not let my body get the better of me. I will show it, I will show everyone, my willpower. I will show an immense, And previously unimaginable sense of determination.
I have goals that WILL be accomplished. Putting it off only makes me miserable. And on some level, I deserve to be happy.
 I will earn my happiness.

 Enough is enough...

 Till' I collapse.

 Till' you do too. 

 xxxblakexxx

I can almost see it...

That dream I'm dreaming.
But there's a voice inside my head, saying you'll never reach it.

I'm feeling pretty on top of things. I mean, I ate a whole bunch of things I didn't want to eat today, but my friend needed me to be with her... I know that.

Doesn't make me feel any better about it. But that same friend and I are going for a run in the morning, and then I go to the gym. And much later, I pick Chiara up from the airport with Eli.
I should be so much thinner right now, but even with no control over what I've been eating recently, I'm still sitting at a whopping 140 lbs. Horrible I know. I honestly am surprised it isn't worse. I can not wait for school to start, so I can kick myself into gear. It'll be easier, having to prioritize so seriously... I know it will be good for me though. Thin thin thin. I can almost see it.

This dream,

My god. I'm dreaming. I want it so bad, and I dream so vividly about being beautiful. Yet, it always seems just slightly out of my reach. Always slightly.

I know that won't last forever. I will be under 135 pounds by Halloween. Not a goal really, just a fact. I know it is going to happen. No promises of "if I eat healthier" "if I make it to the gym". I'm going to continue to go to the gym. And I don't have to eat healthier. I just have to eat less. I will, I am.

Sometimes it all feels like invisible changes, but I look back. Everything's different, and getting thin, it looks easier and easier.

One moment, I can't imagine accomplishing everything. The next, I look at everything I've already done.

I've got this under control.

...

I. Have. Control.

So do you.

Take it.

xxxblakexx


PS: Mobile Version Up and Running!!! xoxo

Here I Am

Sitting at my Desk. Photo Editor. In over my head once again...

I can't describe how tired I am. School doesn't even start until Monday and I can barely keep up with what I have. I just want to sleep. I want to exercise. I don't want to eat. Yet, I can't manage to make all of those things happen. I know it will probably be easier once school starts. To avoid food. To keep myself busy. To make my world spin, just a little bit faster.

I think about blogging every day. But right now, I have to keep my priorities straight. As straight as possible anyway. And if I could be working out, I won't be blogging instead. But I will have time soon. Breaks between classes get me some of my best posts.

Please have faith in me. I'm here, I promise.
And I'm working on it, one pound at a time


xxxblakexxx

I think...

I think we cry because there's often no better way to express how we are feeling. But that doesn't leave much leeway for blogging. 

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.


I'm sorry for the absence. My computer has been getting fixed the last couple weeks, and it hasn't left much room for blogging. Any technology I could have used was always in front of someone.


I promise I'll be back and blogging soon, I move in just two short weeks.
Miss You All.


stay strong, think thin, live ana
xxxblakexxx


CW: 140

Mumbo and Jumbo

Hello lovelies, I'm sorry for the absense. I'll update for real soon I promise! It's just that Eli has been here every waking moment since August 1st and it's hard to find time to post. Even now, I've only got about 5 minutes.

Overview:
137.2 for my 18th birthday. I'm admittedly pretty proud of myself. =]

Its gone up a bit since then, but its staying around 141, so no real complaints, considering how much I've been having to eat.

I can't wait until I move into the sorority. It'll be so much easier to escape meals. It's really rather exciting. I'm expecting my weight at thanksgiving to be much closer to 130 than anything else. I'm just hoping I can find a girl in the house with at least a little bit of Ana in her. Because I could really use an ally... I keep thinking Chiara is an option. But I need to know how healthy her current perspective is on food. Because I don't want to be responsible for sucking her into anything. But I can't help but think back to the end of freshman year. and how close she and I were. As well as how good it felt to be able to talk to someone freely. Someone I lived with... I am going to tread lightly until I know though.

Speaking of Chiara, She came to visit me for my birthday! It was really exciting! We've decided to get an ear piercing when we get back for school. But I have to see 135 before that happens. Even if it's only for a day. I just need to see it, you know? I also don't want to have to back out at the last minute, so it's better motivation!

I saw a specialist for my knee, finally. And that deserves an update all it's own so I'll reserve that for a later post. But good news is, I'm taking steps to make it better.

Speaking of steps! Birthday shopping!!!! Was the best ever. I ended up with almost 300 dollars in Nike Running Gear! =D
Speaking of shopping, I got approved for my first credit card, without a cosigner!! This is something I'm really excited about, because I know it will be an awesome way to build credit. Which is really important as a college student. Especially if I need loans for med school in a few years! This also means I may end up with the iPad that I needed for school (notetaking with a keyboard, or stylus, as well as being able to download textbooks straight to it. =])

This is the majority of the crazy business for right now, Still unsure of what to do about the whole Chiara idea, I'd love opinions on it. Because the sick part of me knows I could easily draw her back. But the friend/good person in me, says 'no fucking way'. I just want to know where she's at. Because if she's already back... Then we'd be each others support. I wouldn't be just an awful person... Right? Ugh.

CW 141.6

Stay Strong, Think Thin, Live Ana

xxxblakexxx

PS.
Check this out!
I'm really loving this series right now. Hollyoaks. Two of the characters have eating disorders.. May be my inspiration for Chiara? You can find it here..
http://www.youtube.com/user/cutiekylieg#p/u/34/fPBnWbECtxk There are a whole bunch of parts to it. But this link should start you at part one... <3 It's Hannas Story Part 1 I believe (actually spelled Hannah on the show... but not on the youtube vid)

loves!

Control, Regardless of Desire.

Even Better, 137.2
2 Whole Pounds! Excellent. Tomorrow you need to be the same weight or even better. There is no reason you can't see 136.


Then tomorrow it'll be your birthday dinner with your parents, and your friends. And you must be very careful. Calories will be hidden everywhere. But what is most important? Only one slice. one SMALL slice, of cake. It doesn't fucking matter if it's your favorite. You're in this situation because of things like that.


No 'letting go' on your birthday this year. It will just lead to a disastrous binge that will likely last days. And screw up the entire week of progress. Stay calm. In control. You want thin. If you have more than one small serving of anything. You WILL be fat and disgusting trying on clothes on Tuesday. And worse, hideous even, on your birthday on Wednesday.


I made a deal with my mom. She won't make dinner or eat with me, unless I've already run that day.
Perfect.

Now is the time to tread carefully. You haven't come this far to be beaten by a cheesecake.


xxxblakexxx

I am strong.

No, Do Not Stress. Dizzy is good. It means you're winning. It means tomorrow you'll wake up and see 138 on the scale. And you'll know it was because you didn't cave. Dizzy feels good. You're light as a feather. Empty and pure. Don't mind how exhausted you are. You are still jogging first thing in the morning. Better to keep your mind off of it now. Get some rest. You're going to need it. You see Eli and L tomorrow. They're both going to want to eat with you. But you're going to say I'm eating with Eli, or I already ate. In the morning you only have to run 3 miles. No problem there. You will not eat to satisfy anyone tomorrow. Only yourself. After all, it is your birthday coming up. YOU are the one who needs to look decent. YOU are the one who will be embarrassed if you eat.


You are in control. You will not bow. Nor break.


It doesn't matter that you're tired! Don't you get it stupid bitch?! You are SUPPOSED to be tired. You deserve it. And it means you're losing. All that disgusting, impure, fat. Those jitters, yeah. Those are good. Dizzy is important. Push through it. You're in control.


That run today. You sweaty pig. You fat fuck. So what if it was almost 90 degrees. You deserved to run in it. You wouldn't have been so overheated if you weren't so fat. All that friction, and bouncing. All the extra effort it takes to lug your huge body around. Jealous of the girl who ran the opposite way in a sports bra and short shorts. You'd be doing it too if you had some fucking willpower. Maybe next summer you'll look decent enough to wear something like that...


Doubt it.


Weight this Morning: 139.2 lbs

Breakfast:
3 tablespoons of liquid egg whites (25)
1 white cheddar rice cake (45)
1 teaspoon homemade salsa (5)

Lunch:
Shaken Iced Passion Tazo Tea from Starbucks (unsweetened) with 4 Splenda (0)

Run:
4.3 Miles (knee brace worn)
60 minutes 51 seconds
391 calories burned

Dinner:
1 cup Homemade chicken and Broccoli stir fry chopped up (150)
3 tablespoons liquid egg whites (25)

In addition. Lots of diet drinks.

Net: -141

You are tired. Because you are strong.


xxxblakexxx

Wooo!

Sorry everyone for my absence! It has been one crazy week!

I moved back in with my parents. The one thing I've been dreading more than anything. But I took the plunge. And I am SO glad I did. I hardly have to eat a thing.

For example. I told my mother I wanted to try and go for a jog tonight. But we were about to have dinner. She told me she didn't mind eating alone if I wanted to go... ( I did however end up eating with her because I was feeling awful) but dinner was egg whites and dry grilled chicken (250 cal)

Lunch, hah. lunch.

I had a rice cake with a spoonful of salsa. (50 cal) so did she. (plus an avocado)

Breakfast

We went to Jamba Juice,
I got a sixteen oz strawberry nirvana(170) sub blueberries for bananas. (-40?) and then I had half of it.
She got an original smoothie.

It's almost unbelievable how well this is working out.

Tomorrow she and my dad are off work, but they have plans. So I'll be home alone to keep unpacking and exercising. Then our 'family dinner' requires me to make broccoli chicken. which will probable be around 250 cal per serving and I'll skip the rice. This is just too easy...

I am so happy!!! Except... I'm not. It's something I can't quite put words on yet. I'm happy I'm getting my way, however, I'm sinking down. That darkness peering over my shoulder. Threatening to pull me under again. The darkness that is more than Ana. Because Ana makes me happy. Ana, is just trying to help. These feelings though, they take the joy out of my laughter, wipe the smile off my face.

I'm struggling to hold on to happiness. I have everything to be happy about. I'm finally losing... Well not at the moment. But there is the potential to. And even after a weekend in Newport with Eli last week. I'm at 141.4 as of this morning. A matter of water weight to have me at 139 for my birthday.

I'm going to jog tomorrow. I don't care if it hurts. If I can make myself jog 5 miles. I get a caramel flavored fiber one bar. (250?) If I jog 4 miles I get a peanut butter graham square (90) If I jog 3. Haha. I get fuckin' diet mountain dew... Oh wait, I get that anyway. Reward system for fatasses here we go!

Sorry for the babble lovelies!

Stay strong, let that number on your scale creep down with the number on mine.

Us and Ana, Best Friends Forever.

xxxblakexxx

PS, a special shoutout to my lovely girl Darcy, she was in the hospital this week, and we're not sure whats wrong with her. (Not life threatening) but I still want it all to be okay, so keep her in your prayers/thoughts everyone!

xxx

'Both tears and sweat are salty, but they render a different result.

Tears will get you sympathy. Sweat will get you change.'

So I'm making myself a promise to walk at least 20 minutes everyday. I can go with a friend if I like. And I can take something to drink( I stick to juice under 10 cal) But the sole purpose of the outing has to be for the walk. I cant go to the mall and walk for 20 and call it good. That's just additional. I have to have that 20 minutes. and since you know exactly how long it'll take you always have time for it. Walk in a direction as fast as you can for 10 minutes. Turn around and walk back at either the same pace, or something a little slower if you must. and you'll have at least 20 minutes. My 26 Minute walk two days ago let me walk 1.6 miles and burn 140 cal. Wasn't extremely exhausting, so I didn't want to binge like crazy right after. But it did it's job.

You won't see epic results from walking. But it's absolutely better than nothing. So go.

Do Something. Get moving.

 The hardest step for a runner to take is the first one out the door. So if you can't take that running step, just take a step.

xxxblakexxx

Not a Day Goes By...

That I don't envision myself thin.

and this morning. 139.6

thank you ana. I'm sticking to diet soda for the majority of the day. And then I go Eli's parents place, and I stay until saturday. I've just got to keep the intake under control.

That's all I have to focus on. If I do that. I'll be okay.

If I do that. I'll be thin.

xxxblakexxx

be strong ladies!

Thinner, dinner?

Being religious is a great cosmic accident.

As is developing an eating disorder.

I can’t honestly say that eating disorders are a predisposition. Maybe they are. Maybe they aren’t. But I don’t know, and chance are I won’t be the one to figure it out.

My apologies in advance. But I am drunk right now.

Miller Light Lime, 100 cal per bottle. Plus Smirnoff blueberry lemonade. X 2 servings. And my alcohol cals totally overtook my food cals. As it should be.

I’ll be thin. So will you.

We’ll be happy, and Ana too.

141.4

Stay Strong, Think thin, Live Ana.

We’re closer than we were yesterday.

xxxblakexxx

Fat in the Forties, Thinner in the Thirties.

I never thought 144 would be my fat weight. I felt like I’d never get there in the beginning. And knowing now that it is the weight that makes me feel like a balloon is… Incredible. I still hate the number. It still needs to be lower, but after all this time, and all this struggle with yo-yo-ing ( I will be good to Eli, I don’t care about Eli, I’ll be good to me, to Ana, good good good) It’s slowing creeping downward. And who would have thought living with Phillip is what would make it the easiest, he’s so caught up in his own little world that he doesn’t even notice that I rarely eat. That I check the scale minimum four times per day.

That my weight is going down. Finally. Steadily. I went to Bend, (my favorite city in Oregon. I swear to God I am going to live there after college) to go camping, and after 4 days of junk food and bullshit. My fatass weighs 144. Not the 157 that it used to pop up to. Not even 145, the number that my body just seems to adore. But 144.

And before bend. Just this last Thursday. I saw 139.6 and Wednesday, I was also in the 130s. Fuckin’. Finally. I’m proud of myself. And I know that once this food gets its way out of my system, all be right back there. And easily in the 130s for my eighteenth birthday. Only 30 more pounds to go.

Stay Strong Lovelies. I am.

xxxblakexxx

PS If you have tried to talk to me recently, and I have royally failed at getting back to you, give me a kick in the ass. I have a working phone now and I'll get back to you ASAP!!!

Depressed...

Maybe.

Fucked up. Absolutely.

I'm frustrated with myself for talking to Eli, but at the same time I’m relieved. I really believe he wants to understand. And miraculously my resolve feels strengthened. Not undone like I had imagined. I broke down crying last night. And this morning, felt calm. I went to see the horse I’m caring for. And he ate breakfast without me. Didn't even ask if I was hungry.

It was amazing. It's noon, I've been up for around 4 hours. And I've only had liquids. I intend to keep that up until dinner. Then I'll keep it light.

I never thought that talking would strengthen me.

I will Not. Be fat for my birthday.

I'm still here, I promise.

I'm sorry for being  absent. Honestly, I haven't been busy. Not much has been happening. I haven't been exercising. But I haven't been eating either.

My knee is royally screwed up. It'll take weeks of recovery, and then I'm supposed to work back slowly into exercise. I'm going stir crazy. but I'm also losing all motivation. I think I'm getting depressed. I spent an hour laying on a bean-bag chair, curled up in a ball staring mindlessly at a television show telling myself I'd refill my diet lemonade on the next commercial, and the next, and the next... But I couldn't manage the willpower to even get up and do it. It is so hard to manage the willpower for anything. Refusing food though, has been one of the easiest things.I've been under 500 calories, 5 of the past 7 days. and under 850 on the other 2. Not much to be proud of. But the bit of weight I'd put back on through my anniversary and holiday is coming off. I will be in the 130s for my birthday. Which is an unbelievably short time from now. August 3rd. But 2 pounds is totally reasonable. Honestly, if I had the energy, I could make it happen in just a few days. But sadly for me, I don't.

It'll come back I think. I just need to get my head on straight.

I just cant think.

I need food.
no.
I need sleep.
no.
I need time with friends.
no.

I need motivation. and exercise.
I will be thin.

This is my time to set my habits. I can't start another school year being the fatass. I have no reason to be anywhere in the 130s by the time school starts. But honestly. I'd even settle for anything under 135 at this point... Then christmas could be 130, spring break 125, next summer starts at 120... next thing people know I'd be a senior in college and 110 pounds.

I feel like I'm failing...

falling...

No one's there to catch me.

Ana, Please.

Houston... We may have a problem.

I think, that my knee is seriously fucked up.

4.45 miles yesterday. I felt great. Then I stopped moving. Almost collapsed. My legs was shaking so bad, I couldn't tell if it was pain or exhaustion. But I have a feeling it was both. And today, I am back in bed, with my leg elevated, wishing I weren't alive.

Why now?

Why couldn't this happen during the school year when I had less time to run anyway. =/

Any thoughts?
I ran with knee braces last night to no avail.
But I put a really stiff one on for just laying in bed today.

I'm so sick of myself.
Be it true or not, I can't help but think that if I weighed less I wouldn't be in so much pain.


xxxblakexxx

any thoughts as to things to try would be GREATLY appreciated. Just comment or email them to me. Thanks lovelies  =]

Dear Anonymous.

First off. Let me welcome you to my blog.


Second, next time you comment, don't do it anonymously.. 


Third. In answer to your 'politely' worded question. "i'm confused....are you trying to become anorexic? because you don't meet the criteria but have you been diagnosed in the past?" Since you seem to not have actually read my blog. I will give you a brief overview.


I'm 'confused' as to why you are asking. I am not trying to 'become anorexic'. Nor do I condone it. My current 'criteria' is EDNOS with Anorexic Tendencies. Since I have to fit into a category apparently. If you read the little about me section on the side of my blog, you'd have seen that it says "I want back in Ana's Arms." So there, without reading a single post. You KNOW, I've been there before. Because I've told you.


Anorexia is categorized as the 'intense fear of gaining weight, or the refusal to maintain a normal body weight.'


The easiest way to explain where I come from in this, is to REPOST an old post of mine....

Jun 23, 2010

Response to a comment

I received a comment from someone last night, that I thought deserved a response. It was a comment from someone that claims to have Anorexia, Associated with that was her reference to the fact that medically you must have under a 17.4 bmi to be considered Anorexic. There was the mention that Anorexia isn't a lifestyle. It is a "disease" or a disorder. Or one of a million labels thrown towards it. She said it seemed I was choosing Ana, not that I genuinely was already there. I guess I can understand that, because she doesn't know any more about me than I have told.

So it's time to elaborate a bit. This isn't my first time with Ana. Although the last time was with an extremely abusive boyfriend. He would tell me I was fat, etc. But that I had the potential to be pretty if I lost weight.... And he told me that If I lost weight he wouldn't have to hit me so much. But it was just because I was so damn fat. Regardless of what people think, that's a lot for a young girl to deal with. And that boy, paired with high school cheerleading, led me down a road that I was unprepared for.

I reached a low weight that year that I'm not ready to reveal yet, but It was low... It put my bmi under 17. And although the numbers 17 and 17.4 aren't far from each other, it makes a different in bmi measurements. Basically, I've been there, I know what I'm getting into, I know it consumes your day, and your thoughts. But now I'm already there, and I just want to write, and tell people about it. People that understand, people that are already there, or have been. Not someone who is going to tell me that I'm not what I say, and that I should just turn away. If it were possible, the simplicity of just turning away, no one would be here. And then it wouldn't be ED. I know that this isn't something that someone should ever choose, but part of it consuming thoughts is the idea that once you've been there, you never really make it back... I gained a lot of weight since that abusive boyfriend. And I hate it.

You get used to the feeling of clothes hanging loosely off of your bones. And then you start gaining, feeling the pull of seams when you stretch as you start to fill out your clothes and then outgrow them. I miss being spindly, I miss feeling like a feather. I do miss things hanging off of me, and my goal is to return there, not to the weight I was at, but closer to that weight than the one I'm at. Honestly, because I know I'll be happier, every time I shed a pound I feel an ounce of relief and I get happier and happier. And no one should think that it's as easy as turning away.

However, if any of you reading this, don't understand the feelings I'm talking about, you haven't been there, and aren't there now. Don't read. This is not to enable you. This is to share my personal thoughts. Please don't misuse it.

Stay strong, think thin, live Ana

xxxblakexxx

There really is no way to rewrite that differently. Those were my feelings then, and they are my feelings now. I don't know what you consider yourself, the anonymous 'anorexic police'?

In the case that you can not read, and someone had forgotten to read that specific post to you, then I ask your interpreter to apologize for my bitchiness. 

In the case that you are perfectly capable of reading, and for some reason have just chosen to ask a question with an obvious answer out of your own neglect. Then I have a few things to say...

#1. READ. From the BEGINNING of a story, to get the WHOLE story.

#2. Refrain from posting comments, that make you look like an imbecile. ( I believe everyone is aware that my weight is too high to be considered anorexic...{ Because I am FAAAT.})

#3. Remember what your mom always said, if you can't comment something nice, then SHUT the FUCK UP.

#4. and lastly, but most certainly not least. If you have any more questions for me, you may feel free to email them to me. However you will have to read my blog to find my email. (it really isn't hard) From this point on, anonymous comments will be deleted. So log in if you want to be an asshole. :)

AND...

#5. Feel special. This whole blog post, was just for you.

blake.

Today I was supposed to run three miles...

But I'm not, because my knee hurts so bad I can hardly stand it.

But I will run 4 miles on sunday no matter what. I have until then to feel better. ice and rest. and situps, lots of situps, and yoga when I can. But jesus. I was just getting better. =[

I'm been kind of eating. I mean, I eat here and there. I wish I wasn't, but its fuel for running. And I burn a lot of calories that way. Plus, increasing my stamina now means I'll run more during school when it's easier for me to eat less... However, if I don't run, I don't eat more than 500 cal.. Which still is a lot. But if I'm not running, it means I hurt. And as much as I hate to admit it, eating fuels healing as much as it does running...

ugh.. fat fat fat

peace out lovelies
I'll update soon.

xxxblakexxx

ps. I want to hear how you all are.

FAT FUCK.

I hate myself.

I'm not eating. I am not going to try any more to make anyone happy. I'm done with the BS. If phillip wants to eat. He can go right ahead. I won't be joining him. I will be in the 130s in a couple of short weeks if I do this right. Now is the time. Enough is enough..

Liquid/Juice/Water (all under 100 cal per day) fast starting.... NOW.

Anyone feel like joining? I'm going to get my gym membership up and running tomorrow. I'm done being the fatass...


I just can't anymore. I'd rather be dead than hate myself this much.

3 miles. Tonight
2 miles tomorrow/plus the gym workout.
3 mile run and strength/stretch plus gymnastics on thursday.
Friday I will be at the gym.
Saturday I will be at the gym
Sunday I will run/jog/walk/move my body 4 miles.
Monday I will run 3 miles.
Tuesday I will be thinner than I am today.

Join me lovelies I could use the motivation... And maybe some healthy/not really competition?

anasarms@hotmail.com
I also have AIM and msn (anasarms)
if you are US and want my number shoot me an email

xxxblakexxx
stay strong(er than me), think thin(ner than me), live ana.

Schools Out For Summer...

Thank God.

I can exercise and diet and do whatever I want really.

Haha except not.
Eli is around. Phillip moved in. I have no privacy. and I feel absolutely ginormous.

In truth I'm at 144.8, well I was last night after i was totally gorged with food. keeping that in mind I'm probably 143? maybe even 142. But I'm not sure and it bugs me... I want it to be in the damn 130s.

Soon. very. fucking. soon.

I have 2 weeks to see it. I know i don't want deadlines. but I have to see that number. enough is enough.

wish me luck.
stay strong.

oh and if anyone has been invited to read twiglegs.blogspot.com you should comment or email me (anasarms@hotmail.com) because I'd like to request an invitation which is slightly hard without being able to find the profile.

xxxblakexxx

Hungry as fuck.

I think this weekend screwed me up. I feel so freaking hungry and it's hard to deal with it around Eli. I can't just do sit-ups or work it off another way. I feel fat. and awful. and I swear I have five pounds of food in me.

I know I haven't gained "real" weight, but I'm bloated and heavy feeling. And it's making it harder to stop.

Just kill me now. I'd been so good.

Finals Week.

BLAAAAAAAAAAH.

See you all at the end.


xxxblakexxx

By the grace of God.

I am still 141.6


I am eating a whole bunch of veggies today. And if I am really lucky, I'll be able to metabolize things at my dads birthday tomorrow.


But for today, raw veggies. And for a special treat if I'm good. I'll get a smoothie =]

stay strong lovelies

I'm going to see the 130s soon. We can do this!

xxxblakexxx

Ended. Up. Eating. :(

So last night I decided to have just one serving of salting crackers. Which is something I should have seen as a bad idea. Since I have issues having 'just one' serving of just about anything.

Then I had a tiny ass serving of a whole bunch of different items.

and a fiber one bar.

It all added about to 640-50 calories. I feel godawful, and my weight is up from yesterday morning, but the same as last night. Which I suppose is a good thing.

141.6lbs

That is what I weigh. Even after eating. I'm fasting again today. At most I get a Jamba Juice low cal smoothie (strawberry nirvana with blueberries instead of bananas in case ya'll were wondering. it's a lower cal low cal smoothie since you get rid of the banana)

That's what I can have for dinner, other than that. It's diet ice teas (5cal per serv) and water as long as I can. (which should be until Sunday with any luck)

I'm kicking myself for giving up the 140.6 I saw yesterday morning for a little bit of food and a whole lot of guilt. But I saw that number, and I WILL get back to it.

(weight ticker updated)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xxxblakefastingfailurexxx

I  never thought I’d see this number on the scale again. It seems too good to be true. But now that I know it is here. I just want to get into the 130s before I let go of the fast/eat anything. I just want to see the number. It’s been my landmark for a really long time. And if I pass it a bit, I’ll feel better about my dads birthday dinner.

This could really be it. I could be tipping over that plateau. Finally.

But its been a long day, and my weight is up a pound  since I woke up, given, I had more broth so I could be retaining water. But I really hope it’ll be gone tomorrow.  

I need to be successful. 

I’m thinking I’m going to eat tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables. That way my body will be okay processing things for my dads birthday on sunday.

I don’t know.

I just want to eat. 

It’s been four days. That should be enough right?

Ana is telling me it isn’t and I don’t know what to do, I don’t even think I’m hungry. I just want to feel something. Anything other than liquid in my stomach.

What do I do?

I just want to be thin....

xxxblakexxx