I received a comment from someone last night, that I thought deserved a response. It was a comment from someone that claims to have Anorexia, Associated with that was her reference to the fact that medically you must have under a 17.4 bmi to be considered Anorexic. There was the mention that Anorexia isn't a lifestyle. It is a "disease" or a disorder. Or one of a million labels thrown towards it. She said it seemed I was choosing Ana, not that I genuinely was already there. I guess I can understand that, because she doesn't know any more about me than I have told.
So it's time to elaborate a bit. This isn't my first time with Ana. Although the last time was with an extremely abusive boyfriend. He would tell me I was fat, etc. But that I had the potential to be pretty if I lost weight.... And he told me that If I lost weight he wouldn't have to hit me so much. But it was just because I was so damn fat. Regardless of what people think, that's a lot for a young girl to deal with. And that boy, paired with high school cheerleading, led me down a road that I was unprepared for.
I reached a low weight that year that I'm not ready to reveal yet, but It was low... It put my bmi under 17. And although the numbers 17 and 17.4 aren't far from each other, it makes a difference in bmi measurements. Basically, I've been there, I know what I'm getting into, I know it consumes your day, and your thoughts. But now I'm already there, and I just want to write, and tell people about it. People that understand, people that are already there, or have been. Not someone who is going to tell me that I'm not what I say, and that I should just turn away. If it were possible, the simplicity of just turning away, no one would be here. And then it wouldn't be ED. I know that this isn't something that someone should ever choose, but part of it consuming thoughts is the idea that once you've been there, you never really make it back... I gained a lot of weight since that abusive boyfriend. And I hate it.
You get used to the feeling of clothes hanging loosely off of your bones. And then you start gaining, feeling the pull of seams when you stretch as you start to fill out your clothes and then outgrow them. I miss being spindly, I miss feeling like a feather. I do miss things hanging off of me, and my goal is to return there, not to the weight I was at, but closer to that weight than the one I'm at. Honestly, because I know I'll be happier, every time I shed a pound I feel an ounce of relief and I get happier and happier. And no one should think that it's as easy as turning away.
However, if any of you reading this, don't understand the feelings I'm talking about, you haven't been there, and aren't there now. Don't read. This is not to enable you. This is to share my personal thoughts. Please don't misuse it.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana