Posting more often?

Maybe, sort of.

I want to.

I finish my medical school application this week. More on that later. I just wanted to get a post out there so that I push myself it to writing more often, so much has been changing in my life!

I'll update soon
xxxblake

Surviving Finals

I did it! Miraculously.

Final exams have been over for a couple of days now and I have nursed my brain-dead self to some sort of 'better'. So now I get a week of relaxing and catching up with friends before I get back to killing myself over classes. I don't have my final grades yet but I think I did pretty well, so I'm happy about that.

So now for new news:

I joined my University's Triathlon club a few months ago and triathlon season is coming up so that will be a fun new experience. For those of you who don't know what triathlon is-it is a swim, followed by biking, followed by a run, and its crazy. For those of you who do-its still crazy. It is something I have been sort of half-assed training for over the past couple of months. Recently however I've been feeling more motivated which has surprised me, especially with finals week last week, which usually kicks my butt.. I've been running quite a bit and I'm starting to feel better about myself. Running curbs my appetite too which is pretty kick-ass.

Thing is, I know I have to eat to be able to exercise properly and effectively. But there is still a part of me that keeps thinking, I just worked out pretty hard... I'll lose more weight if I don't eat dinner...


xxblake

The Actual Difference Between Women Who Are Hot And Who Are Beautiful.

I found this today, and it's just... Really profound. Nothing written in this piece is a new concept, nothing is a surprise. But to see it all written down in one place...

It means something.

"Women. We’re curvy, skinny, hood, pretty, cute, ethnic, bad, dime pieces, unicorns, babes, pieces of tail, juicy, fine, sexy, foxes, sultry, voluptuous… The list goes on.

When was the last time you heard a man describe a woman with an adjective that isn’t dripping in sexual innuendos and defaming premises? When was the last time you heard a man describe a woman by something that compliments her soul and her inherent elegance? When was the last time you heard a man describe a woman as beautiful?

There’s been a loss of respect when it comes to admiring women, shifting towards describing us as objects, rather than people. Men look at women as pieces of tail, “things” to be conquered, rather than appreciating women for their individuality.

A large portion of today’s men are momentarily allured by hair extensions, large chests, big bottoms and stilettos. They think sexuality comes in the form of bronzed skin, bikini waxes and fake eyelashes. They’ve been programmed to believe that any woman with a sculpted body and perky breasts is attractive.

What about the women who don’t want to indulge in the male fantasy? What about the women who just want to wear comfortable sweaters and flats? What about the women who don’t dress to impress the opposite sex, but instead, to just feel good in their own skin? Isn’t there attractiveness in that? Isn’t there an appeal to that sense of confidence?

When did women become forced to acquiesce to this standard, or otherwise get lost in the crowd? When did getting a man mean painting on layers of makeup and investing in mini skirts?

There is a certain type of man that continually defames women, judging them solely on sex appeal, failing to see the actual grandeur of women. These are the men who don’t understand the concept of natural beauty and uniqueness in flaws.

They don’t recognize that “hotness” doesn’t last past midnight, when the makeup has smudged onto the pillow and the hair extensions have been taken out. It doesn’t last when the spray tans have washed away and the tight dresses have come off.

It’s not real; it’s an illusion that’s been forcing women to conform to unhealthy habits for too many years.

It’s time these men are reminded of the difference between hot and beautiful. It’s time men realize that women have more to offer than just a body.

Women are stunning creatures, with assets and traits both unique and enchanting to each one of us, and it’s time we started showcasing our individuality and stop giving in to the illusion of sexy created by man. Because beauty isn’t about wanting to f*ck her; it’s about wanting to be with her.

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is the way she moans; beautiful is the way she speaks.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a one-night stand; beautiful is sleepless nights.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is devious; beautiful is innocent.

Hot is bending her over; beautiful is baking her blueberry pancakes.

Hot is sultry; beautiful is wholesome.

Hot is her curves; beauty is her nerves.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman."

-found on elitedaily.com

Tired...

I put in my notice at my job, I was sick and tired of being treated like a piece of crap. Doesn't matter what I think about myself, I know I am not getting paid enough to tolerate the stuff that was getting thrown at me at work.

That aside, I don't know what has been up with me the past couple of days, I'm tired all day long and then I lay down and can't get to sleep until close to 4am. It's wearing me down pretty quickly, I think I may be anemic again too. Bruises showing up out of nowhere, it's frustrating. At least it's cold though, so I can get away with wearing pants all the time.

Had an extended holiday this weekend, with yesterday off I should have had a bunch of time to relax. But after working both Saturday and Sunday and then working on a paper all day yesterday, I feel like today was the first day of the weekend and with no sleep last night I hardly got to enjoy it. But back to class tomorrow, with another paper to write tonight...

I'm so ready to be done with college.

stay strong
xxblake

I thought it would get easier...

I thought if I just let go and let myself sink that things would get easier. I thought that I could handle everything if I just let go and took what this disorder would throw at me.

But I'm confused...

I thought that I wanted this, I thought that I didn't want health. I thought it was easier to just be sick and sink deep into this. I really thought I could take it. I though I could push past my relationship and my heart to just let my head do what it needed to do to be truly happy. But it isn't working... I know better than this, I am close to finishing a degree in nutrition and being legally able to give people advice on what they eat and how they eat and when they eat and what they do with their bodies. But here I am and I don't 'seem to know what I am doing at all. I don't stand a chance against this, I'm totally powerless and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.... All I want is to be happy and healthy and I want to love every second of my life, just like so many other people are able to do... but I can't, it isn't that simple. I know too much about this disorder and it makes it totally difficult to rationalize even the simplest of therapies because I've already worked around it in my head.

I'm fighting myself every step of the way...

stay strong bitches,
xxxblake

Spiraling down

Barely a week ago I said that I had to take things slowly or I'd spiral again. Safe to say I messed up...

I didn't eat the majority of the day today and I went for a very short run. Just to get outside and moving.

I thought I'd be okay if I just skipped a meal here and there, but next thing I knew I didn't want to touch any food at all. I don't know how this happened. It hasn't been long enough for me to feel like I have no choice in the matter. I thought I'd have more control than this. I mean, I have control. But I don't.

I also don't make any sense.

I have control in the sense that I can avoid food very well at the moment. The control I'm lacking is in my own head. When I know I should eat, I'm having a hard time making myself and it is just so confusing. This has never been the issue, I haven't felt this level of indifference in a couple of years. Since I really sunk the last time... I just sunk so far... I was sick, I know I was.

But there was a certain beauty of it, a certain control and calmness that came with it that made everything in my life okay. Even while nothing was...

In a confusing sort of way I miss that sickness. The control that came with the spiraling loss of control, the reassurance that came with the feeling of bones underneath my clothes. The knowledge that really nothing tasted as good as skinny felt.

I want that back.

stay strong,
xxblake

It's a New Day

Just like every day.

Gave myself a kick in the butt today and finally got out an into the school pool. It's been years but it felt so good to be back in the water. It took some time but by the end of the swim I was feeling a lot more comfortable and confident with moving myself around the water.

I hate the walk back to the locker rooms in just a towel and swimsuit though, I wish that part could be skipped... I wish I didn't look so crappy in my swimsuit, then I guess I wouldn't mind about the walk.

Regardless of that crap though, I swam for almost an hour. I'm tired and a tiny bit sore but I feel really good. I haven't eaten yet today, just some tea. So I'm feeling a little floaty, I missed this feeling. A lot.

I've got a couple of meetings tonight though so I know I'm going to eat then. But the plan is to keep it under control. Eating is fine. To binge is not.

stay strong,
xxblake

Fuck it.

It's just too much work trying to not be fucked up. I don't even care.

Things are just too much to face, there isn't a way around it. I just don't want to fight anymore. It is so much easier to give into my head.

stay strong, stronger than me
xxxblake

Jumbled Thoughts...

I can’t cope right now. I keep telling myself that I’m better and that I don’t need this disorder ruling my life. But I’m not. I’m not better, and I do need it. The control I have when I sink is just too… comforting…

I just feel too good with it. Except I feel horrible, it’s all so mixed up. I’m so messed up

"It’s about time I realized,

That what I put in my mouth

Won’t change the words that come out of it,

That the appearance of rib bones will not make me laugh any louder

Or any more,

That collarbones

And thigh gaps

And cheek bones

And empty stomachs

Will not bring me any closer to success

Intelligence

Friendship

Or even love,

That a piece of cake

Should not have the power

To make me despise myself,

And that

High grades

Crazy nights

Hard-earnt wages

A smile

Should give more pride,

More satisfaction,

Than starving myself ever should,

Or will.

That there is no secret key to finding joy,

Other than realizing

That time is not worth the wasting,

On living a half life."

I know that this is true, I know I should believe it whole-heartedly. But the way I feel when I’m thin is close to impossible to pass up.

       -I want to feel hungry again.

I just don’t want this to destroy my relationship.

Because-

     this relationship, it’s really the best thing to ever happen to me.

xxxblake

And school again...

Classes are back, it's the third day and I'm overwhelmed already. The benefit is that I genuinely enjoy the material that I am learning so I hope that will keep me trucking along this term without burning out. Especially with work and working out and an internship on top of everything I want to keep myself from a crash and burn.

But I feel better when my world is swimmingly busy. I can cope when I don't have that much time to think, can't we all?
It keeps me from sinking into myself.


stay strong, think thin
xxxblake