Spiraling down

Barely a week ago I said that I had to take things slowly or I'd spiral again. Safe to say I messed up...

I didn't eat the majority of the day today and I went for a very short run. Just to get outside and moving.

I thought I'd be okay if I just skipped a meal here and there, but next thing I knew I didn't want to touch any food at all. I don't know how this happened. It hasn't been long enough for me to feel like I have no choice in the matter. I thought I'd have more control than this. I mean, I have control. But I don't.

I also don't make any sense.

I have control in the sense that I can avoid food very well at the moment. The control I'm lacking is in my own head. When I know I should eat, I'm having a hard time making myself and it is just so confusing. This has never been the issue, I haven't felt this level of indifference in a couple of years. Since I really sunk the last time... I just sunk so far... I was sick, I know I was.

But there was a certain beauty of it, a certain control and calmness that came with it that made everything in my life okay. Even while nothing was...

In a confusing sort of way I miss that sickness. The control that came with the spiraling loss of control, the reassurance that came with the feeling of bones underneath my clothes. The knowledge that really nothing tasted as good as skinny felt.

I want that back.

stay strong,
xxblake