Jumbled Thoughts...

I can’t cope right now. I keep telling myself that I’m better and that I don’t need this disorder ruling my life. But I’m not. I’m not better, and I do need it. The control I have when I sink is just too… comforting…

I just feel too good with it. Except I feel horrible, it’s all so mixed up. I’m so messed up

"It’s about time I realized,

That what I put in my mouth

Won’t change the words that come out of it,

That the appearance of rib bones will not make me laugh any louder

Or any more,

That collarbones

And thigh gaps

And cheek bones

And empty stomachs

Will not bring me any closer to success

Intelligence

Friendship

Or even love,

That a piece of cake

Should not have the power

To make me despise myself,

And that

High grades

Crazy nights

Hard-earnt wages

A smile

Should give more pride,

More satisfaction,

Than starving myself ever should,

Or will.

That there is no secret key to finding joy,

Other than realizing

That time is not worth the wasting,

On living a half life."

I know that this is true, I know I should believe it whole-heartedly. But the way I feel when I’m thin is close to impossible to pass up.

       -I want to feel hungry again.

I just don’t want this to destroy my relationship.

Because-

     this relationship, it’s really the best thing to ever happen to me.

xxxblake