Wow... I'm in medical school.

It's midterms week,
It is kind of interesting how I always find myself here when exams roll around. I get stressed, I get tired, and find myself back here because then I find it easier to cope.

I'm in week 6 of my first term of medical school. Midterm Hell week.

I briefly hopped back on my ADHD meds to help me study for an exam I had yesterday. I took them sunday evening and they kept me up for 43 hours.

But I finally got to sleep last night.

Here's the problem. I wasn't hungry. For 2 days, I wasn't hungry. I still ate because I knew that I needed to and I've been trying to be better about it.

But that feeling of control was back and it felt so fucking good.

I've been trying to be self aware lately and I'm a little worried for myself.

I didn't want to go back on my prescription because I have come to like feeling like myself and I love my heart rate being so much lower. But that familiar high was too good and I am all too tempted to continue attaining it.

It makes me smart AND skinny. How can I say no?

Right... I lose my personality and I didn't want to be sick anymore.


Wait.
I just said "didn't''

Fuck.

xxblake

So much for posting more...

I was really going to try! But this summer has taken quite a crazy turn...

     I got into medical school.

I found out July 14th, two weeks later I was packed up and moved to a new, big city.  Just in time to turn 21. Not that anything cool happened then...

But now, here I am- week 2, day 2. 

It's kind of hard to believe I made it.

There are so many people here that are vegan, vegetarian, or raw food, or only eat organic foods, and whatnot. I'm one of the fat kids here.

It's really hard to try to eat enough here, I mean I am hungry but I'm afraid to eat, afraid of being judged. 

Shit. 

xxblake

Happy Fourth!

For all of you in the US, Happy Independence Day!

For all of you not in the US, Happy Day Anyway!

I hope that wherever you are it is enjoyable and that you find some time for fun!

xxblake

 

Here's where I'm at.

Ugh.
So here it goes.

I've gained weight. I'm 155 lbs, again. I swore I'd never see this weight again...
I swore.

It is different this time though and I know that, I'm fit.

I am currently 120lbs of bone and muscle. 35lbs of fat. 23% body fat.

I am healthy?

See this is a complicated topic to me and to a lot of people obviously, if it weren't there would not be huge media controversy over body image and 'ideals'.

For the first time since this thing, this self hatred, this creeping doubt, this creative self-destruction crept into my life I am healthy.

I fucking hate it.

I also really love it. This change has crept into my life slowly, almost as slowly as this sickness crept in, in the first place. I have moments where I am so proud of myself and how I've changed that I could cry.

Then I have moments, days even, where I really struggle to be okay. Days like today.Where I feel like crap.

So I ask myself, why keep this blog, what is the point? I just keep coming back and I don't know if it is healthy. I feel like I am never going to stop this mental struggle. I suppose that is my main problem; my body is healthy and fit and capable. My mind is not.

I guess I never wrote it on this blog but I've been in some sort of recovery for a while now. It sure is a bumpy road. I suppose I hesitate to use the word 'recovery' because like so many of us I have never felt 'sick' enough to need recovery.

I never felt like I deserved to not hate myself, to get better, because I had never gotten 'sick' enough. I realize now how sick that is. That just for thinking that, I was sick enough to need help without ever losing a pound.

Over the next weeks or months this blog is going to undergo some changes, part of me wants to delete all the old posts but I believe that they are part of the struggle.

I want to really give this recovery thing a 'go'. I have tried just about everything else, I've been obese and anorexic and a whole bunch of things in between. Now I'm healthy, but I want to try happy.

Happy isn't something I've tried before.

I also wanted to say I'm sorry to those of you that follow, because I have really been all over the place with these blog posts (frequency, content, whatever). I also apologize because this blog is likely not going to become what you came here for originally. But if this blog doesn't change with me, then it isn't really my blog. So I hope I don't lose any of you for the change in content that is upcoming. I just want this blog to have a  bigger part in my life than it does right now and if it is going to-it can't just be something I write for on my bad days.

Here's to the future, may it be happy and healthy.

xxblake
stay strong, in all you do

Ouch.

Crashed on a bicycle a few days ago... I've been just sitting and sleeping and eating junk food for three days now. It makes me feel like crap, but there isn't much I can do. I can't work out and I hate it. But I'm trying to settle. I've been using my Garmin vivofit (like a fitbit or fuelband) and I can now pair it with MyFitnessPal, so I'm hoping the two will get me back on track.

Whatever that means.

I've been plugging along. Hopefully I'll feel something soon enough.

xxblake

Adderall... (I don't remember)

Makes the world seem very different.

It's been 25 days since I stopped taking Adderall. I've gained 2 pounds because of it, I feel like I'm always hungry.

But it had to stop, my heart couldn't handle it anymore. My max heart rate during exercise was 218bpm, that should be closer to 200. My resting heart rate was around 80, it has already dropped to 60.

Here's the thing though, Adderall made it easy to stay skinny. No matter how hungry I was, it was possible to ignore.

I don't remember the last time I noticed my stomach growl.

It's been 4 years of hyper-focused drug induced grades and I've ripped all that away. I now have one week until finals and I can hardly pay attention to things. I don't know if it is just my nerves about almost being done with college for real, or if it an actual inability to concentrate. But it is hard.

I don't remember the last time school was hard.

I've turned back to caffeine after successfully stopping back in December. I gave up energy drinks for the first time since high school. As opposed to my one a day per years, I have had 7 or 8 total in the past six months. I've been choosing better sources of caffeine though, like tea and some diet sodas (no coffee, My teeth won't stay white).

I don't remember the last time I was this disorganized.

I've been doing triathlon races though, that is actually why the Adderall had to stop. I could hardly breathe my heart rate would get so high. After some thought I started to get afraid of what I was doing to my heart long term. God knows I've already done enough to it. So I figured being in the middle of the season was as good of a time as any, at least I have to stay active. Which has made it easier to cope.

I don't remember a time that running has been this easy.

I've noticed I don't get angry as easily. Which is something I'd been missing, there were times that I'd notice being just fuming mad on Adderall and consciously thinking 'I don't even know why I am angry, this isn't that big of a deal' but I couldn't stop being angry. No matter what.

I don't remember the last time I was this calm.

To be honest, I'm realizing that there isn't actually a whole lot of stuff I remember when on Adderall. My recall for classes was good but overall, I couldn't remember conversations, or birthdays, or real-life important stuff. To an extent, I feel like I've missed out on a lot.

I don't remember the last time I was this tired.


For those of you that don't know what it is like to quite something like Adderall cold-turkey, imagine smoking every day for 4 years- and your doctor telling you that it is probably fine for your health... Then one day waking up and being like "You know, I think I may not smoke today, or tomorrow, or ever again.". But here's the thing, you still have the cigarettes, the doctor still thinks they're fine, and you can walk to your cupboard and grab them at any point. Sometimes you will, because you don't feel like a whole person and right before you light up-you stop. Remember why you're doing this.

One day at a time. I'm just not taking Adderall today, I won't worry about tomorrow yet.

Stronger than your addiction.

Be.

xxblake

Posting more often?

Maybe, sort of.

I want to.

I finish my medical school application this week. More on that later. I just wanted to get a post out there so that I push myself it to writing more often, so much has been changing in my life!

I'll update soon
xxxblake

Surviving Finals

I did it! Miraculously.

Final exams have been over for a couple of days now and I have nursed my brain-dead self to some sort of 'better'. So now I get a week of relaxing and catching up with friends before I get back to killing myself over classes. I don't have my final grades yet but I think I did pretty well, so I'm happy about that.

So now for new news:

I joined my University's Triathlon club a few months ago and triathlon season is coming up so that will be a fun new experience. For those of you who don't know what triathlon is-it is a swim, followed by biking, followed by a run, and its crazy. For those of you who do-its still crazy. It is something I have been sort of half-assed training for over the past couple of months. Recently however I've been feeling more motivated which has surprised me, especially with finals week last week, which usually kicks my butt.. I've been running quite a bit and I'm starting to feel better about myself. Running curbs my appetite too which is pretty kick-ass.

Thing is, I know I have to eat to be able to exercise properly and effectively. But there is still a part of me that keeps thinking, I just worked out pretty hard... I'll lose more weight if I don't eat dinner...


xxblake

The Actual Difference Between Women Who Are Hot And Who Are Beautiful.

I found this today, and it's just... Really profound. Nothing written in this piece is a new concept, nothing is a surprise. But to see it all written down in one place...

It means something.

"Women. We’re curvy, skinny, hood, pretty, cute, ethnic, bad, dime pieces, unicorns, babes, pieces of tail, juicy, fine, sexy, foxes, sultry, voluptuous… The list goes on.

When was the last time you heard a man describe a woman with an adjective that isn’t dripping in sexual innuendos and defaming premises? When was the last time you heard a man describe a woman by something that compliments her soul and her inherent elegance? When was the last time you heard a man describe a woman as beautiful?

There’s been a loss of respect when it comes to admiring women, shifting towards describing us as objects, rather than people. Men look at women as pieces of tail, “things” to be conquered, rather than appreciating women for their individuality.

A large portion of today’s men are momentarily allured by hair extensions, large chests, big bottoms and stilettos. They think sexuality comes in the form of bronzed skin, bikini waxes and fake eyelashes. They’ve been programmed to believe that any woman with a sculpted body and perky breasts is attractive.

What about the women who don’t want to indulge in the male fantasy? What about the women who just want to wear comfortable sweaters and flats? What about the women who don’t dress to impress the opposite sex, but instead, to just feel good in their own skin? Isn’t there attractiveness in that? Isn’t there an appeal to that sense of confidence?

When did women become forced to acquiesce to this standard, or otherwise get lost in the crowd? When did getting a man mean painting on layers of makeup and investing in mini skirts?

There is a certain type of man that continually defames women, judging them solely on sex appeal, failing to see the actual grandeur of women. These are the men who don’t understand the concept of natural beauty and uniqueness in flaws.

They don’t recognize that “hotness” doesn’t last past midnight, when the makeup has smudged onto the pillow and the hair extensions have been taken out. It doesn’t last when the spray tans have washed away and the tight dresses have come off.

It’s not real; it’s an illusion that’s been forcing women to conform to unhealthy habits for too many years.

It’s time these men are reminded of the difference between hot and beautiful. It’s time men realize that women have more to offer than just a body.

Women are stunning creatures, with assets and traits both unique and enchanting to each one of us, and it’s time we started showcasing our individuality and stop giving in to the illusion of sexy created by man. Because beauty isn’t about wanting to f*ck her; it’s about wanting to be with her.

Hot is admired from afar; beauty is to be held.

Hot is perception; beauty is appreciation.

Hot is smokey-eyed; beautiful is bare-faced.

Hot is an appearance; beautiful is more than skin deep.

Hot is the way she moans; beautiful is the way she speaks.

Hot is a strong appeal; beautiful is strong mind.

Hot is youthful; beautiful is ageless.

Hot is conventional; beauty is unique.

Hot is a one-night stand; beautiful is sleepless nights.

Hot is a state of being; beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Hot is devious; beautiful is innocent.

Hot is bending her over; beautiful is baking her blueberry pancakes.

Hot is sultry; beautiful is wholesome.

Hot is her curves; beauty is her nerves.

Hot is a text message; beautiful is a love letter.

Hot is a facade; beautiful is a woman."

-found on elitedaily.com

Tired...

I put in my notice at my job, I was sick and tired of being treated like a piece of crap. Doesn't matter what I think about myself, I know I am not getting paid enough to tolerate the stuff that was getting thrown at me at work.

That aside, I don't know what has been up with me the past couple of days, I'm tired all day long and then I lay down and can't get to sleep until close to 4am. It's wearing me down pretty quickly, I think I may be anemic again too. Bruises showing up out of nowhere, it's frustrating. At least it's cold though, so I can get away with wearing pants all the time.

Had an extended holiday this weekend, with yesterday off I should have had a bunch of time to relax. But after working both Saturday and Sunday and then working on a paper all day yesterday, I feel like today was the first day of the weekend and with no sleep last night I hardly got to enjoy it. But back to class tomorrow, with another paper to write tonight...

I'm so ready to be done with college.

stay strong
xxblake

I thought it would get easier...

I thought if I just let go and let myself sink that things would get easier. I thought that I could handle everything if I just let go and took what this disorder would throw at me.

But I'm confused...

I thought that I wanted this, I thought that I didn't want health. I thought it was easier to just be sick and sink deep into this. I really thought I could take it. I though I could push past my relationship and my heart to just let my head do what it needed to do to be truly happy. But it isn't working... I know better than this, I am close to finishing a degree in nutrition and being legally able to give people advice on what they eat and how they eat and when they eat and what they do with their bodies. But here I am and I don't 'seem to know what I am doing at all. I don't stand a chance against this, I'm totally powerless and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.... All I want is to be happy and healthy and I want to love every second of my life, just like so many other people are able to do... but I can't, it isn't that simple. I know too much about this disorder and it makes it totally difficult to rationalize even the simplest of therapies because I've already worked around it in my head.

I'm fighting myself every step of the way...

stay strong bitches,
xxxblake

Spiraling down

Barely a week ago I said that I had to take things slowly or I'd spiral again. Safe to say I messed up...

I didn't eat the majority of the day today and I went for a very short run. Just to get outside and moving.

I thought I'd be okay if I just skipped a meal here and there, but next thing I knew I didn't want to touch any food at all. I don't know how this happened. It hasn't been long enough for me to feel like I have no choice in the matter. I thought I'd have more control than this. I mean, I have control. But I don't.

I also don't make any sense.

I have control in the sense that I can avoid food very well at the moment. The control I'm lacking is in my own head. When I know I should eat, I'm having a hard time making myself and it is just so confusing. This has never been the issue, I haven't felt this level of indifference in a couple of years. Since I really sunk the last time... I just sunk so far... I was sick, I know I was.

But there was a certain beauty of it, a certain control and calmness that came with it that made everything in my life okay. Even while nothing was...

In a confusing sort of way I miss that sickness. The control that came with the spiraling loss of control, the reassurance that came with the feeling of bones underneath my clothes. The knowledge that really nothing tasted as good as skinny felt.

I want that back.

stay strong,
xxblake

It's a New Day

Just like every day.

Gave myself a kick in the butt today and finally got out an into the school pool. It's been years but it felt so good to be back in the water. It took some time but by the end of the swim I was feeling a lot more comfortable and confident with moving myself around the water.

I hate the walk back to the locker rooms in just a towel and swimsuit though, I wish that part could be skipped... I wish I didn't look so crappy in my swimsuit, then I guess I wouldn't mind about the walk.

Regardless of that crap though, I swam for almost an hour. I'm tired and a tiny bit sore but I feel really good. I haven't eaten yet today, just some tea. So I'm feeling a little floaty, I missed this feeling. A lot.

I've got a couple of meetings tonight though so I know I'm going to eat then. But the plan is to keep it under control. Eating is fine. To binge is not.

stay strong,
xxblake

Fuck it.

It's just too much work trying to not be fucked up. I don't even care.

Things are just too much to face, there isn't a way around it. I just don't want to fight anymore. It is so much easier to give into my head.

stay strong, stronger than me
xxxblake

Jumbled Thoughts...

I can’t cope right now. I keep telling myself that I’m better and that I don’t need this disorder ruling my life. But I’m not. I’m not better, and I do need it. The control I have when I sink is just too… comforting…

I just feel too good with it. Except I feel horrible, it’s all so mixed up. I’m so messed up

"It’s about time I realized,

That what I put in my mouth

Won’t change the words that come out of it,

That the appearance of rib bones will not make me laugh any louder

Or any more,

That collarbones

And thigh gaps

And cheek bones

And empty stomachs

Will not bring me any closer to success

Intelligence

Friendship

Or even love,

That a piece of cake

Should not have the power

To make me despise myself,

And that

High grades

Crazy nights

Hard-earnt wages

A smile

Should give more pride,

More satisfaction,

Than starving myself ever should,

Or will.

That there is no secret key to finding joy,

Other than realizing

That time is not worth the wasting,

On living a half life."

I know that this is true, I know I should believe it whole-heartedly. But the way I feel when I’m thin is close to impossible to pass up.

       -I want to feel hungry again.

I just don’t want this to destroy my relationship.

Because-

     this relationship, it’s really the best thing to ever happen to me.

xxxblake

And school again...

Classes are back, it's the third day and I'm overwhelmed already. The benefit is that I genuinely enjoy the material that I am learning so I hope that will keep me trucking along this term without burning out. Especially with work and working out and an internship on top of everything I want to keep myself from a crash and burn.

But I feel better when my world is swimmingly busy. I can cope when I don't have that much time to think, can't we all?
It keeps me from sinking into myself.


stay strong, think thin
xxxblake