Adderall... (I don't remember)

Makes the world seem very different.

It's been 25 days since I stopped taking Adderall. I've gained 2 pounds because of it, I feel like I'm always hungry.

But it had to stop, my heart couldn't handle it anymore. My max heart rate during exercise was 218bpm, that should be closer to 200. My resting heart rate was around 80, it has already dropped to 60.

Here's the thing though, Adderall made it easy to stay skinny. No matter how hungry I was, it was possible to ignore.

I don't remember the last time I noticed my stomach growl.

It's been 4 years of hyper-focused drug induced grades and I've ripped all that away. I now have one week until finals and I can hardly pay attention to things. I don't know if it is just my nerves about almost being done with college for real, or if it an actual inability to concentrate. But it is hard.

I don't remember the last time school was hard.

I've turned back to caffeine after successfully stopping back in December. I gave up energy drinks for the first time since high school. As opposed to my one a day per years, I have had 7 or 8 total in the past six months. I've been choosing better sources of caffeine though, like tea and some diet sodas (no coffee, My teeth won't stay white).

I don't remember the last time I was this disorganized.

I've been doing triathlon races though, that is actually why the Adderall had to stop. I could hardly breathe my heart rate would get so high. After some thought I started to get afraid of what I was doing to my heart long term. God knows I've already done enough to it. So I figured being in the middle of the season was as good of a time as any, at least I have to stay active. Which has made it easier to cope.

I don't remember a time that running has been this easy.

I've noticed I don't get angry as easily. Which is something I'd been missing, there were times that I'd notice being just fuming mad on Adderall and consciously thinking 'I don't even know why I am angry, this isn't that big of a deal' but I couldn't stop being angry. No matter what.

I don't remember the last time I was this calm.

To be honest, I'm realizing that there isn't actually a whole lot of stuff I remember when on Adderall. My recall for classes was good but overall, I couldn't remember conversations, or birthdays, or real-life important stuff. To an extent, I feel like I've missed out on a lot.

I don't remember the last time I was this tired.


For those of you that don't know what it is like to quite something like Adderall cold-turkey, imagine smoking every day for 4 years- and your doctor telling you that it is probably fine for your health... Then one day waking up and being like "You know, I think I may not smoke today, or tomorrow, or ever again.". But here's the thing, you still have the cigarettes, the doctor still thinks they're fine, and you can walk to your cupboard and grab them at any point. Sometimes you will, because you don't feel like a whole person and right before you light up-you stop. Remember why you're doing this.

One day at a time. I'm just not taking Adderall today, I won't worry about tomorrow yet.

Stronger than your addiction.

Be.

xxblake