Gahh. My mother. I don't mention her too much. But she's killing me slowly. Darcy and I went put on a walk tonight around eleven thirty. And I accidentally pocket dialed her. She stayed on the line for fifteen minutes until I noticed when I went to see if Eli had texted me. And I was like "hello?" and she started bitching about how she was trying to sleep and then she was like are you on a treadmill? It sounds like you are exercising. (why the hell was that the first conclusion she jumped to?!)
So basically she and my dad talked about "my blatant disregard for all logic and boundaries." like they could figure out my reasoning if they tried. Hah, but what killed me is that when the "conversation" was over I couldn't offer an opinion or a rebuttal. I just had to sit there and take it. Just accept what she said and worse, apologize for my "behavior". It was so stupid and pointless too, it wasn't even about the pocket dialing. It was about the fact that when she said it's the middle of the night I was like "not really, it's a little after eleven thirty...."
I can't be the only one dealing with this....
At least tomorrow when I'm sitting across from her at the table and she's pushing food at me I can just refuse it. I don't owe her my control. She takes everything else from me. This is mine. And she can't touch it. Heh
Stay strong, even in the face of adversary.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 30, 2010
Jun 29, 2010
Sorry For the Break..
I'm sorry that I haven't posted much recently I've been sort of consumed with a project. I've been making a thinspo book. It has filled up ridiculously fast with quotes, pictures, ideas, and soon a list of safe binge foods.
Speaking of binge foods. Rice cakes have become my best friend. I can have seven little cakes for 60 calories and paired with a liter of water, I get filled up very quickly. It has been hard to stick with things recently. Phillip is so critical.. He won't say anything either. That's what really gets to me... He just sits there and stares at me while I pick apart the food he's forcing on me. As if I'm not suffering enough. No, he has to stare at me while I turn into a fat, whale, of a person.
As for my accounts, and the fraudulent activity. Turns out it was some kind of bot that came up with my account number and was used to fund someone's world of warcraft addiction =[
However!!! There is a silver lining... =] I have about twenty dollars to my name, until they can get my account charges reversed. Which will take about a week. I have to pay for gas to get to work, screw it. I have to ride my bike to work. And twenty dollars is enough to get me home to visit my parents and back. Then I'm broke, I actually won't be able to overeat. This may have turned into on of the best things ever!
I finally overcame the plateau of 150. I've always had major issues overcoming it before. The fives and tens give me hell. But when I pass them.. ;) I weighed 149 about 5 hours ago, and that was before I went on an 8 mile bike ride that was 6 miles of hill. =D And I haven't eaten since then. And to avoid it, since I had time to waste I walked around corvallis for about an hour and a half and talked to Eli on the phone for most of it. Still haven't eaten, still don't intend to. However, the next few days are going to be trying. So please think thin thoughts for me, I'm going home tomorrow, and my mom will try to feed me dinner. It kills me too, because she's been fasting for two days now. And she's going to stop fasting just in time for me to be there so she'll expect me to eat so much. She's SO hypocritical I could just die. But that's dinner tomorrow, breakfast, on thursday and then I have to go to work. But then Eli comes back on friday, which is fantastic! But food... given, I am broke which helps. And If I acquire any money, I am buying a sensor for my nike+ so that I can track my jogs.
On the note of Eli. HOLY SHIT. You wouldn't believe what happened. When we went to bend this weekend for his bike race, we went to this frozen yogurt place, and I was freaking out about my bank account so I definitely binged a bit on yogurt, and they had nothing fat free that wasn't chocolate(I'm allergic) so I ate like 500 calories of frozen yogurt. Here's the thing. My body rejected it, like I haven't experienced in a while. And ten minutes later when we were at Applebee's getting dinner. I told him I had to use the bathroom and he said "okay, I'll be here." while he was shaking his head. I found the bathroom and before I could even think I was on my knees and the yogurt was no more. It was the strangest thing, because I didn't have to do anything. I walked into the stall locked the door and turned around. I barely made it to the toilet, so maybe my body just couldn't handle it... Hmm..
I returned to the table with a composed smile and a freshly washed face, and there was a glass of water. He didn't say a word about my bathroom trip, or my fresh lack of makeup. Just looked at me like he knew, and said "so what are you gonna get to eat?" I couldn't even answer. He said more than anyone has ever said. And he didn't say a thing. It's the strangest thing. I just don't know how it impacted me so intensely. But it was engraved in my mind, while I bought my vegetarian salad with a vinaigrette, and ate around half of it. I really wasn't hungry at that point, my mind was reeling with thoughts of Eli and Ana.
He's known for a while that I've had issues with food, and he's always has an innocent curiosity that I found slightly endearing. But the naivety that I could always rely on with him has diminished. And I'm not quite sure what to think. (input welcome) All I can think is that he knows, and has just decided to accept things, since I don't look thin at this point. Maybe he just won't worry until then. Or maybe he knows that I'm headstrong enough to keep up with it regardless of what he says.
I've also been enjoying bicycling recently, as I mentioned before. Which on the one hand I'm opposed to... Because you eat soo much. But on the other hand. One race (this last weekend), burned him 2600 calories. And even if I only did it recreationally that's a LOT of calories.
I feel badly about Phillip, he wasn't ready for the knowledge he has, and now he notices too much for his own conscience. Admittedly, I've been spiteful though. When he tries to force me to eat, since I know he'll look at me strangely anyway, I just smile and tell him I'm not hungry. Which works okay, until he hears my stomach growling which is just sickly satisfying.
I'm slipping into Ana's bony embrace. I'm also beginning to enjoy it. Until next time lovelies.
xxxblakexxx
Quotes of the Day:
"When I'm Hungry I'm Happy"
"There is no TRY, only DO"
"It's simple, You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat. Then, there is no further decisions to make"
Speaking of binge foods. Rice cakes have become my best friend. I can have seven little cakes for 60 calories and paired with a liter of water, I get filled up very quickly. It has been hard to stick with things recently. Phillip is so critical.. He won't say anything either. That's what really gets to me... He just sits there and stares at me while I pick apart the food he's forcing on me. As if I'm not suffering enough. No, he has to stare at me while I turn into a fat, whale, of a person.
As for my accounts, and the fraudulent activity. Turns out it was some kind of bot that came up with my account number and was used to fund someone's world of warcraft addiction =[
However!!! There is a silver lining... =] I have about twenty dollars to my name, until they can get my account charges reversed. Which will take about a week. I have to pay for gas to get to work, screw it. I have to ride my bike to work. And twenty dollars is enough to get me home to visit my parents and back. Then I'm broke, I actually won't be able to overeat. This may have turned into on of the best things ever!
I finally overcame the plateau of 150. I've always had major issues overcoming it before. The fives and tens give me hell. But when I pass them.. ;) I weighed 149 about 5 hours ago, and that was before I went on an 8 mile bike ride that was 6 miles of hill. =D And I haven't eaten since then. And to avoid it, since I had time to waste I walked around corvallis for about an hour and a half and talked to Eli on the phone for most of it. Still haven't eaten, still don't intend to. However, the next few days are going to be trying. So please think thin thoughts for me, I'm going home tomorrow, and my mom will try to feed me dinner. It kills me too, because she's been fasting for two days now. And she's going to stop fasting just in time for me to be there so she'll expect me to eat so much. She's SO hypocritical I could just die. But that's dinner tomorrow, breakfast, on thursday and then I have to go to work. But then Eli comes back on friday, which is fantastic! But food... given, I am broke which helps. And If I acquire any money, I am buying a sensor for my nike+ so that I can track my jogs.
On the note of Eli. HOLY SHIT. You wouldn't believe what happened. When we went to bend this weekend for his bike race, we went to this frozen yogurt place, and I was freaking out about my bank account so I definitely binged a bit on yogurt, and they had nothing fat free that wasn't chocolate(I'm allergic) so I ate like 500 calories of frozen yogurt. Here's the thing. My body rejected it, like I haven't experienced in a while. And ten minutes later when we were at Applebee's getting dinner. I told him I had to use the bathroom and he said "okay, I'll be here." while he was shaking his head. I found the bathroom and before I could even think I was on my knees and the yogurt was no more. It was the strangest thing, because I didn't have to do anything. I walked into the stall locked the door and turned around. I barely made it to the toilet, so maybe my body just couldn't handle it... Hmm..
I returned to the table with a composed smile and a freshly washed face, and there was a glass of water. He didn't say a word about my bathroom trip, or my fresh lack of makeup. Just looked at me like he knew, and said "so what are you gonna get to eat?" I couldn't even answer. He said more than anyone has ever said. And he didn't say a thing. It's the strangest thing. I just don't know how it impacted me so intensely. But it was engraved in my mind, while I bought my vegetarian salad with a vinaigrette, and ate around half of it. I really wasn't hungry at that point, my mind was reeling with thoughts of Eli and Ana.
He's known for a while that I've had issues with food, and he's always has an innocent curiosity that I found slightly endearing. But the naivety that I could always rely on with him has diminished. And I'm not quite sure what to think. (input welcome) All I can think is that he knows, and has just decided to accept things, since I don't look thin at this point. Maybe he just won't worry until then. Or maybe he knows that I'm headstrong enough to keep up with it regardless of what he says.
I've also been enjoying bicycling recently, as I mentioned before. Which on the one hand I'm opposed to... Because you eat soo much. But on the other hand. One race (this last weekend), burned him 2600 calories. And even if I only did it recreationally that's a LOT of calories.
I feel badly about Phillip, he wasn't ready for the knowledge he has, and now he notices too much for his own conscience. Admittedly, I've been spiteful though. When he tries to force me to eat, since I know he'll look at me strangely anyway, I just smile and tell him I'm not hungry. Which works okay, until he hears my stomach growling which is just sickly satisfying.
I'm slipping into Ana's bony embrace. I'm also beginning to enjoy it. Until next time lovelies.
xxxblakexxx
Quotes of the Day:
"When I'm Hungry I'm Happy"
"There is no TRY, only DO"
"It's simple, You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat. Then, there is no further decisions to make"
Jun 26, 2010
FRAUD.
SOMEONE IS STEALING MY GODDAM MONEY.
That's all I have to say. Oh, I binged. I had a salad and a cinnamon roll. But I'm missing over 500 dollars. I'm in the negatives around 100. I deserved to eat.
Now that I have though. I just want to vomit.
I'm not eating solid food for a week. Just wait. I'm so fucking stressed.
Hope things are okay.
xxxblakexxx
That's all I have to say. Oh, I binged. I had a salad and a cinnamon roll. But I'm missing over 500 dollars. I'm in the negatives around 100. I deserved to eat.
Now that I have though. I just want to vomit.
I'm not eating solid food for a week. Just wait. I'm so fucking stressed.
Hope things are okay.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 25, 2010
Best. Day. Ever!
Eli is coming tonight!!! =D and Darcy and I both aren't going to work, instead we are sitting on our floor with a million magazines and cutting up pictures and making a thinspo book out of a hardcover sketch book. =] She's actually at the store getting more magazines as I write this! We also got internet! Which is pretty exciting. And I don't have to work sunday thank god. =] cause otherwise I wouldn't have gotten a day off at all this weekend. Although they have me working until 9:30 at night on the fourth of july. =[ But I don't work the night before! So maybe I can go to the rodeo, it's only like 35 minutes from here. And it'd be really cool!
Sorry for the jumbled post everyone! I just wanted to share! Time to get back to thinspiring myself and Darcy! She's joining me on my fast! Out of respect for everyone in more trying situations than we are in. And out of respect for our bodies. And what they can become.
Stay strong ladies. It's a beautiful day here. And We WILL be beautiful too.
xxxblakexxx
Sorry for the jumbled post everyone! I just wanted to share! Time to get back to thinspiring myself and Darcy! She's joining me on my fast! Out of respect for everyone in more trying situations than we are in. And out of respect for our bodies. And what they can become.
Stay strong ladies. It's a beautiful day here. And We WILL be beautiful too.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 24, 2010
New fast..
I am raging.
I have to write a 5 page essay on why I want a street bike before my parents will even consider helping me with one.
I'm fat.
I binged 1200 calories last night. That was all i had yesterday. But still. I really hate spending time with my mother sometimes. Then this morning, she took me to burger king. Yuck... Not even going there. 600 cals easy. Then I ate at work today, because I almost passed out on tuesday from not eating enough. And my manager gave me a meal during my break. I'm pretty sure he wanted to see me consume something that wasn't a sugar free calorie free energy drink. But no worries. He saw it happen. And he was satisfied. Although my lunch break was miserable for another reason. And funny for one as well.
For the misery: This woman told her dad she had terminal cancer and had less than 6 weeks to live. He said "oh." and got up to get fry sauce. That's all he did. She evoked more emotion from me and i don't even know her. She also said she wanted to be able to speak to her mother before she moved into hospice care. He refused. Said he wouldn't let her talk to her! HOW DARE HE?! It is her mother. She broke down sobbing and I almost came unglued. But my lunch break was about to end so I got up and said to her that I'd pray for her, and that I hoped things went best they could. She said, "honey don't waste your time praying for me. I know I'm going to heaven. It's him you should worry about..." I said I'd pray for them both. I just hate humanity a little bit right now.
For the funny part: One of my coworkers didn't take the lid off the soda machine before he tried to put ice into it. Showered four or five customers in ice. Ahhh. I had to end my break early to help clean up. But it was so worth it. SO worth it. =]
I'm going to chipotle tonight for a salad. Because then my fast starts. I figure since Phillip knows, and won't do anything. I can do whatever I please. So I'm not going to flaunt it, but I'm not going to hide it either. =]
Fast plan.
Step 1: Initial Motivation– My reason to fast, I"m going to do it to show my respect for the woman I saw at work today. And I'm going to do it until I see my mom again. Or maybe even do it until the day after. ( I intend for this to work. However Eli is visiting me tomorrow night. So i may have around 500 calories while he is there. But if he does get me to eat, I'm going to extend the fast one day.
Step 2: Creating Your Plan –
Goal:To stick to the fast (save for when with Eli) and to fast longer than I have before. I know that I can go without food for three weeks if I really try. However I don't intend to do that for that long. But knowing that I'm capable is real motivation. I also intend to lose between 4 and 6 pounds. I know I can, if I exercise. And this woman was so sad. That I mostly want to do this out of respect for her. Even if I don't lose a pound I actually don't foresee myself being disappointed. I need to do this.
Motivation: 50 cal reward at end of day. {before exercising ;P}
Motto: (2 actually) 1. Let's raise some hell. 2. Self control is knowing you CAN. And deciding you WONT.
Step 3: Sticking to It-
I'm going to follow some advice, I'm going to find some thinner pictures of me, and I'm going to use them to thinspire me, so I remember what I can look like. I'm also going to text myself at night before I go to bed, something thinspiring, something that says love, Ana at the end.
-20 crunches
-20 side leg raises, laying on right side and raising left leg about a foot
-15 push ups
-20 side leg raises, laying on left side and raising right leg about a foot
-20 leg lifts (lay on back, sit on hands, raise both legs with feet together about a foot off the ground)
I'l just keep doing it in cycles until my body caves. Every Night. Every morning. I have time. I'll make time. And I may start walking to work. I'll have to leave really early. Maybe an hour before my shift starts. But it's okay and It'll be worth it to me. I'll have to walk at a fairly vigorous pace. Since it's around (30?) blocks.
Let me know of anything you lovelies are up to! I'm glad to support! And feel free to shoot me an email if you'd like to speak personally!
Have a lovely week(end) if I don't post tomorrow don't dismay I'll be back on Saturday since I'll have internet at my place! Hopefully a pound lighter!
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana. We can do it! We must do it.
xxxblakexxx
I have to write a 5 page essay on why I want a street bike before my parents will even consider helping me with one.
I'm fat.
I binged 1200 calories last night. That was all i had yesterday. But still. I really hate spending time with my mother sometimes. Then this morning, she took me to burger king. Yuck... Not even going there. 600 cals easy. Then I ate at work today, because I almost passed out on tuesday from not eating enough. And my manager gave me a meal during my break. I'm pretty sure he wanted to see me consume something that wasn't a sugar free calorie free energy drink. But no worries. He saw it happen. And he was satisfied. Although my lunch break was miserable for another reason. And funny for one as well.
For the misery: This woman told her dad she had terminal cancer and had less than 6 weeks to live. He said "oh." and got up to get fry sauce. That's all he did. She evoked more emotion from me and i don't even know her. She also said she wanted to be able to speak to her mother before she moved into hospice care. He refused. Said he wouldn't let her talk to her! HOW DARE HE?! It is her mother. She broke down sobbing and I almost came unglued. But my lunch break was about to end so I got up and said to her that I'd pray for her, and that I hoped things went best they could. She said, "honey don't waste your time praying for me. I know I'm going to heaven. It's him you should worry about..." I said I'd pray for them both. I just hate humanity a little bit right now.
For the funny part: One of my coworkers didn't take the lid off the soda machine before he tried to put ice into it. Showered four or five customers in ice. Ahhh. I had to end my break early to help clean up. But it was so worth it. SO worth it. =]
I'm going to chipotle tonight for a salad. Because then my fast starts. I figure since Phillip knows, and won't do anything. I can do whatever I please. So I'm not going to flaunt it, but I'm not going to hide it either. =]
Fast plan.
Step 1: Initial Motivation– My reason to fast, I"m going to do it to show my respect for the woman I saw at work today. And I'm going to do it until I see my mom again. Or maybe even do it until the day after. ( I intend for this to work. However Eli is visiting me tomorrow night. So i may have around 500 calories while he is there. But if he does get me to eat, I'm going to extend the fast one day.
Step 2: Creating Your Plan –
Goal:To stick to the fast (save for when with Eli) and to fast longer than I have before. I know that I can go without food for three weeks if I really try. However I don't intend to do that for that long. But knowing that I'm capable is real motivation. I also intend to lose between 4 and 6 pounds. I know I can, if I exercise. And this woman was so sad. That I mostly want to do this out of respect for her. Even if I don't lose a pound I actually don't foresee myself being disappointed. I need to do this.
Motivation: 50 cal reward at end of day. {before exercising ;P}
Motto: (2 actually) 1. Let's raise some hell. 2. Self control is knowing you CAN. And deciding you WONT.
Step 3: Sticking to It-
I'm going to follow some advice, I'm going to find some thinner pictures of me, and I'm going to use them to thinspire me, so I remember what I can look like. I'm also going to text myself at night before I go to bed, something thinspiring, something that says love, Ana at the end.
-20 crunches
-20 side leg raises, laying on right side and raising left leg about a foot
-15 push ups
-20 side leg raises, laying on left side and raising right leg about a foot
-20 leg lifts (lay on back, sit on hands, raise both legs with feet together about a foot off the ground)
I'l just keep doing it in cycles until my body caves. Every Night. Every morning. I have time. I'll make time. And I may start walking to work. I'll have to leave really early. Maybe an hour before my shift starts. But it's okay and It'll be worth it to me. I'll have to walk at a fairly vigorous pace. Since it's around (30?) blocks.
Let me know of anything you lovelies are up to! I'm glad to support! And feel free to shoot me an email if you'd like to speak personally!
Have a lovely week(end) if I don't post tomorrow don't dismay I'll be back on Saturday since I'll have internet at my place! Hopefully a pound lighter!
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana. We can do it! We must do it.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 23, 2010
Response to a comment
I received a comment from someone last night, that I thought deserved a response. It was a comment from someone that claims to have Anorexia, Associated with that was her reference to the fact that medically you must have under a 17.4 bmi to be considered Anorexic. There was the mention that Anorexia isn't a lifestyle. It is a "disease" or a disorder. Or one of a million labels thrown towards it. She said it seemed I was choosing Ana, not that I genuinely was already there. I guess I can understand that, because she doesn't know any more about me than I have told.
So it's time to elaborate a bit. This isn't my first time with Ana. Although the last time was with an extremely abusive boyfriend. He would tell me I was fat, etc. But that I had the potential to be pretty if I lost weight.... And he told me that If I lost weight he wouldn't have to hit me so much. But it was just because I was so damn fat. Regardless of what people think, that's a lot for a young girl to deal with. And that boy, paired with high school cheerleading, led me down a road that I was unprepared for.
I reached a low weight that year that I'm not ready to reveal yet, but It was low... It put my bmi under 17. And although the numbers 17 and 17.4 aren't far from each other, it makes a difference in bmi measurements. Basically, I've been there, I know what I'm getting into, I know it consumes your day, and your thoughts. But now I'm already there, and I just want to write, and tell people about it. People that understand, people that are already there, or have been. Not someone who is going to tell me that I'm not what I say, and that I should just turn away. If it were possible, the simplicity of just turning away, no one would be here. And then it wouldn't be ED. I know that this isn't something that someone should ever choose, but part of it consuming thoughts is the idea that once you've been there, you never really make it back... I gained a lot of weight since that abusive boyfriend. And I hate it.
You get used to the feeling of clothes hanging loosely off of your bones. And then you start gaining, feeling the pull of seams when you stretch as you start to fill out your clothes and then outgrow them. I miss being spindly, I miss feeling like a feather. I do miss things hanging off of me, and my goal is to return there, not to the weight I was at, but closer to that weight than the one I'm at. Honestly, because I know I'll be happier, every time I shed a pound I feel an ounce of relief and I get happier and happier. And no one should think that it's as easy as turning away.
However, if any of you reading this, don't understand the feelings I'm talking about, you haven't been there, and aren't there now. Don't read. This is not to enable you. This is to share my personal thoughts. Please don't misuse it.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana
xxxblakexxx
So it's time to elaborate a bit. This isn't my first time with Ana. Although the last time was with an extremely abusive boyfriend. He would tell me I was fat, etc. But that I had the potential to be pretty if I lost weight.... And he told me that If I lost weight he wouldn't have to hit me so much. But it was just because I was so damn fat. Regardless of what people think, that's a lot for a young girl to deal with. And that boy, paired with high school cheerleading, led me down a road that I was unprepared for.
I reached a low weight that year that I'm not ready to reveal yet, but It was low... It put my bmi under 17. And although the numbers 17 and 17.4 aren't far from each other, it makes a difference in bmi measurements. Basically, I've been there, I know what I'm getting into, I know it consumes your day, and your thoughts. But now I'm already there, and I just want to write, and tell people about it. People that understand, people that are already there, or have been. Not someone who is going to tell me that I'm not what I say, and that I should just turn away. If it were possible, the simplicity of just turning away, no one would be here. And then it wouldn't be ED. I know that this isn't something that someone should ever choose, but part of it consuming thoughts is the idea that once you've been there, you never really make it back... I gained a lot of weight since that abusive boyfriend. And I hate it.
You get used to the feeling of clothes hanging loosely off of your bones. And then you start gaining, feeling the pull of seams when you stretch as you start to fill out your clothes and then outgrow them. I miss being spindly, I miss feeling like a feather. I do miss things hanging off of me, and my goal is to return there, not to the weight I was at, but closer to that weight than the one I'm at. Honestly, because I know I'll be happier, every time I shed a pound I feel an ounce of relief and I get happier and happier. And no one should think that it's as easy as turning away.
However, if any of you reading this, don't understand the feelings I'm talking about, you haven't been there, and aren't there now. Don't read. This is not to enable you. This is to share my personal thoughts. Please don't misuse it.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana
xxxblakexxx
An Expansion...
Hello Lovelies,
An expansion on my goodbye last post. Phillip glanced over my shoulder when I was writing that last post. And saw that I was writing something on Ana’s Arms. So he searched blogger until he found the page. And there were too many similarities to play it off. So after a million and a half questions, and a good two hours of me being miserable. He has sworn to not pester me about it, to not read my blog (because he agreed that at this point, knowing that I write it, it would be an invasion of privacy). He said he realizes that no matter what he thinks, or says, or does at this point will change how I feel. Or what I intend to do. So he isn’t going to try. He also seems okay with that fact. Honestly I was relieved by that, because I know, as well as the next person that what you put on the internet is never private.
But I don’t think he realizes… Realizes how far I intend to take this. If he did… I don’t think he’d let it go. But that’s okay. I’m determined to not let him affect the way that I write. Or the way that I handle myself. I need this, and he, nor anyone else can take it from me. Given, I know that if he chose to show this to my parents, he could probably land me in therapy. But he also said he wouldn’t do that. He knows the toll it would take on our friendship. And I think he values it more than that.
On a slightly funny note… If it can be considered that, I definitely had a nightmare the other night, that woke me, almost sobbing. In the middle of the night… I was being chased by a kilo-calorie. Yes, I do believe that I am afraid of food at this point. But that’s a good thing in all honesty. I just wish I’d have nightmares more often. Would be so much simpler than trying to play games in my head. I also know that I am afraid of the consequences of eating. I just need that to weigh more than my love for the taste…. Which leads me to the idea of chewing and spitting… So many things have been running through my mind recently. That I’m kind of spinning in circles.
But here’s what I know, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of how I look. I want to do something about it. I want to be down at least a pant size by my birthday. And that’s in less than a month and a half. It’s not something I’m sure I can honestly do without a huge amount of exercise. I also had to work so much.. I worked a nine hour shift when I was only supposed to work for three hours… It’s leaving me exhausted and searching for food. I think I’m going to let celery and cliff bars be my allowed binge food of the next week and a half or so. Or maybe blueberries, which are fairly acceptable, and only around $3.
Sorry for the long post everyone, I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana.
xxxblakexxx
An expansion on my goodbye last post. Phillip glanced over my shoulder when I was writing that last post. And saw that I was writing something on Ana’s Arms. So he searched blogger until he found the page. And there were too many similarities to play it off. So after a million and a half questions, and a good two hours of me being miserable. He has sworn to not pester me about it, to not read my blog (because he agreed that at this point, knowing that I write it, it would be an invasion of privacy). He said he realizes that no matter what he thinks, or says, or does at this point will change how I feel. Or what I intend to do. So he isn’t going to try. He also seems okay with that fact. Honestly I was relieved by that, because I know, as well as the next person that what you put on the internet is never private.
But I don’t think he realizes… Realizes how far I intend to take this. If he did… I don’t think he’d let it go. But that’s okay. I’m determined to not let him affect the way that I write. Or the way that I handle myself. I need this, and he, nor anyone else can take it from me. Given, I know that if he chose to show this to my parents, he could probably land me in therapy. But he also said he wouldn’t do that. He knows the toll it would take on our friendship. And I think he values it more than that.
On a slightly funny note… If it can be considered that, I definitely had a nightmare the other night, that woke me, almost sobbing. In the middle of the night… I was being chased by a kilo-calorie. Yes, I do believe that I am afraid of food at this point. But that’s a good thing in all honesty. I just wish I’d have nightmares more often. Would be so much simpler than trying to play games in my head. I also know that I am afraid of the consequences of eating. I just need that to weigh more than my love for the taste…. Which leads me to the idea of chewing and spitting… So many things have been running through my mind recently. That I’m kind of spinning in circles.
But here’s what I know, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of how I look. I want to do something about it. I want to be down at least a pant size by my birthday. And that’s in less than a month and a half. It’s not something I’m sure I can honestly do without a huge amount of exercise. I also had to work so much.. I worked a nine hour shift when I was only supposed to work for three hours… It’s leaving me exhausted and searching for food. I think I’m going to let celery and cliff bars be my allowed binge food of the next week and a half or so. Or maybe blueberries, which are fairly acceptable, and only around $3.
Sorry for the long post everyone, I guess I just have a lot on my mind.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 21, 2010
Change.
Happy Day! Darcy and I got the room looking fantastic! I spent the day lofting her bed so we have more room now. I've been forced to eat a good million times today. I just have to focus on the fact that soon things will be busier, and eating like this wont be an option. I have my ephedra, my diet pills, and caffeine. And I'm determined to make it count. I can't continue to be the fat ass. I want to be the spindly girl that looks amazing in everything.
If anyone has anything really inspiring that you use for thinspo please pass it on. I really could use the inspiration right now. I'm going to work this week on getting everything with a caloric content of 70 or more out of my living space. Then next week I'll hopefully be working two jobs (I had my interview today, it went well. but I don't find out for two days or so. Since he was interviewing someone else also.)
I just wish my chem classes would start. Then I'd be so ridiculously busy that I wouldn't have time to constantly be nosing the fridge. For the first time I've actually been considering bingeing and purging. I feel so ridiculously guilty whenever I mass consume. And I'm not willing to let it get the best of me. I went on a syrup of ipecac rampage. Looking everywhere for it. Turns out they've taken it off the market. So I don't have that option anymore. Which isn't the biggest deal. I'm just incapable of actually making myself vomit up anything through willpower alone. And plus.... Mia has never been my thing.. It's always been Ana.... Ana's spindly arms. Never the gluttony that Mia has a tendency to present.
And I think Phillip... Just read this. Not this post. This blog. I may have a problem.
Till next time ladies, stay strong. Things may be changing. :\
xxxblakexxx
If anyone has anything really inspiring that you use for thinspo please pass it on. I really could use the inspiration right now. I'm going to work this week on getting everything with a caloric content of 70 or more out of my living space. Then next week I'll hopefully be working two jobs (I had my interview today, it went well. but I don't find out for two days or so. Since he was interviewing someone else also.)
I just wish my chem classes would start. Then I'd be so ridiculously busy that I wouldn't have time to constantly be nosing the fridge. For the first time I've actually been considering bingeing and purging. I feel so ridiculously guilty whenever I mass consume. And I'm not willing to let it get the best of me. I went on a syrup of ipecac rampage. Looking everywhere for it. Turns out they've taken it off the market. So I don't have that option anymore. Which isn't the biggest deal. I'm just incapable of actually making myself vomit up anything through willpower alone. And plus.... Mia has never been my thing.. It's always been Ana.... Ana's spindly arms. Never the gluttony that Mia has a tendency to present.
And I think Phillip... Just read this. Not this post. This blog. I may have a problem.
Till next time ladies, stay strong. Things may be changing. :\
xxxblakexxx
Jun 20, 2010
Very long update....
I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. Here's what's happened.
Someone at the frat asked for my Drivers license. Twenty-five minutes later. All my stuff was moved out, like I was never even there... Just a figment of all their imaginations.....
I now live with Darcy. Celebrate with me! I live with someone completely supportive of the way I eat! I went to the store completely ready to binge like there was no tomorrow. And she looks at me and says "Now... Do you REALLY want to deal with the consequences of eating that?" Like it was the worst thing on the face of the earth. And it was. At that moment it was bad. Thank god for Darcy. I've also found the best binge food ever... Non-fat graham cracker crust. Non-fat, sugar free cheesecake flavored pudding, 2 cups of non-fat milk. It's around a 500 calorie binge if you eat the whole thing. I have one made and waiting in my refrigerator for a weak time, so I won't have an excuse to run to the store on top of everything else.
Before all this happenings, I started a post though. Finally down to 150, I feel good!! And I'm also looking at getting a second job. So I'll be busy all the time!!! Which means less time to eat. And then I'll be adding my class schedule to it in a month. Which will keep me ridiculously busy and then, when fall term comes around and I'm living with Eli, who will actually monitor the way that I eat. I'll be in class from 8am-3pm (Taking a Ballet class too) I'll also be doing gymnastics with Darcy and hopefully working a second job. So by the time I get home, I'll be so ready to just do homework and sleep that I won't even have time to eat with him, except maybe on weekends or so. My life keeps looking up. Ana must be so proud."
Tying into this. Living with Darcy is good. I'm hoping she'll let me thinspire the room, however if she does I can't let Phillip come over. And considering he lives in the same apartment complex, that's a little difficult. Although, I'm pretty sure that I can do little things around the apartment that will be thinspiring to both of us. And that only we will really notice. Phillip definitely approached me last night about my habits though. And then spoke with me this morning. He had a type of conviction that made me feel like a horrible person. But I'm not willing to change. This all stemmed from a stupid shopping trip to the supermarket where I almost had a panic attack at all the food. =/ But I convinced him, that I always eat weird. And have since I was seven. Which really isn't far from the truth, I'd eat like a pig for one week and then like a bird, all the next.
In addition to all thinspiring things, I have added a rubber band to my wrist for some classic conditioning. You can look up more about it on Google, but basically when I want to binge I'm going to pop myself with the rubber band until it doesn't seem like a good idea anymore. Going to get a red rubber band as soon as I can, to represent Ana and ED.
Well, I think that's everything new... Sorry for the long post, thanks for sticking with me if you managed to for all this time...!
Here's a few thinspiring quotes to get your week going...
"Don't eat like a pig and run like a racehorse, eat like a bird. Eventually, you'll learn to fly."
"Nothing taste's as good as thin feels."
"Bones, beautiful bones. They're magical, like fairies."
"Better to be noticed for taking up so little space, than ignored for taking up too much."
"It's ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will, five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain. One hundred percent reason to remember the name."
Stay strong, think thin, live ana, live ana for all the people that can't and want to.
Live Ana with me.
xxxblakexxx
Someone at the frat asked for my Drivers license. Twenty-five minutes later. All my stuff was moved out, like I was never even there... Just a figment of all their imaginations.....
I now live with Darcy. Celebrate with me! I live with someone completely supportive of the way I eat! I went to the store completely ready to binge like there was no tomorrow. And she looks at me and says "Now... Do you REALLY want to deal with the consequences of eating that?" Like it was the worst thing on the face of the earth. And it was. At that moment it was bad. Thank god for Darcy. I've also found the best binge food ever... Non-fat graham cracker crust. Non-fat, sugar free cheesecake flavored pudding, 2 cups of non-fat milk. It's around a 500 calorie binge if you eat the whole thing. I have one made and waiting in my refrigerator for a weak time, so I won't have an excuse to run to the store on top of everything else.
Before all this happenings, I started a post though. Finally down to 150, I feel good!! And I'm also looking at getting a second job. So I'll be busy all the time!!! Which means less time to eat. And then I'll be adding my class schedule to it in a month. Which will keep me ridiculously busy and then, when fall term comes around and I'm living with Eli, who will actually monitor the way that I eat. I'll be in class from 8am-3pm (Taking a Ballet class too) I'll also be doing gymnastics with Darcy and hopefully working a second job. So by the time I get home, I'll be so ready to just do homework and sleep that I won't even have time to eat with him, except maybe on weekends or so. My life keeps looking up. Ana must be so proud."
Tying into this. Living with Darcy is good. I'm hoping she'll let me thinspire the room, however if she does I can't let Phillip come over. And considering he lives in the same apartment complex, that's a little difficult. Although, I'm pretty sure that I can do little things around the apartment that will be thinspiring to both of us. And that only we will really notice. Phillip definitely approached me last night about my habits though. And then spoke with me this morning. He had a type of conviction that made me feel like a horrible person. But I'm not willing to change. This all stemmed from a stupid shopping trip to the supermarket where I almost had a panic attack at all the food. =/ But I convinced him, that I always eat weird. And have since I was seven. Which really isn't far from the truth, I'd eat like a pig for one week and then like a bird, all the next.
In addition to all thinspiring things, I have added a rubber band to my wrist for some classic conditioning. You can look up more about it on Google, but basically when I want to binge I'm going to pop myself with the rubber band until it doesn't seem like a good idea anymore. Going to get a red rubber band as soon as I can, to represent Ana and ED.
Well, I think that's everything new... Sorry for the long post, thanks for sticking with me if you managed to for all this time...!
Here's a few thinspiring quotes to get your week going...
"Don't eat like a pig and run like a racehorse, eat like a bird. Eventually, you'll learn to fly."
"Nothing taste's as good as thin feels."
"Bones, beautiful bones. They're magical, like fairies."
"Better to be noticed for taking up so little space, than ignored for taking up too much."
"It's ten percent luck, twenty percent skill, fifteen percent concentrated power of will, five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain. One hundred percent reason to remember the name."
Stay strong, think thin, live ana, live ana for all the people that can't and want to.
Live Ana with me.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 16, 2010
Almost there!!
It's almost time ladies!!!!
Headed to Sharis for a HUGE salad!!! And then I begin! =]
xxxblakexxx
Bought a massive salad last night and thoroughly enjoyed my binge on it. Despite all of my binging this last week Ana has blessed me, and I'm down 4 pounds since I stepped on a scale before.
I planned all of my next week out with Darcy last night. It's so nice to be able to talk to someone about all things Ana. I'm definitely glad that I chose not to tell Eli my blog address. Especially now, I need the freedom. And I have it. Now I just have to keep things on the down low for a while, and separate my fat and skinny clothes, and watch them all get loose as I disappear.
Work was not too bad, I may have a future at Arby's =P And plus, I never want to eat while I'm there
stay strong lovelies,
tell me about your progress!
xxxblakexxx
Headed to Sharis for a HUGE salad!!! And then I begin! =]
xxxblakexxx
Bought a massive salad last night and thoroughly enjoyed my binge on it. Despite all of my binging this last week Ana has blessed me, and I'm down 4 pounds since I stepped on a scale before.
I planned all of my next week out with Darcy last night. It's so nice to be able to talk to someone about all things Ana. I'm definitely glad that I chose not to tell Eli my blog address. Especially now, I need the freedom. And I have it. Now I just have to keep things on the down low for a while, and separate my fat and skinny clothes, and watch them all get loose as I disappear.
Work was not too bad, I may have a future at Arby's =P And plus, I never want to eat while I'm there
stay strong lovelies,
tell me about your progress!
xxxblakexxx
Jun 15, 2010
"A pound a day leaves them all blown away :)"
I thought this deserved it's own post!
In support of a fellow blogger, starting on thursday I will be joining her in her quest for the loss of one pound per day!
High restriction, Lots of Exercise, and Lost weight! We'll be great ladies!!!
Keep coming back! And get the word around about this.
If you read, follow, followers and comments keep us motivated!
I'm buying a scale tonight! So I'll know exactly how much I'm losing, on something I can check every day!!
This means I could be at my goal weight in 46 days. So needless to say, I am going to binge a bit these next couple of days. Because starting thursday morning at 12:00AM EVERYTHING Changes!!!
Stay Strong ladies!
xxxblakexxx
In support of a fellow blogger, starting on thursday I will be joining her in her quest for the loss of one pound per day!
High restriction, Lots of Exercise, and Lost weight! We'll be great ladies!!!
Keep coming back! And get the word around about this.
If you read, follow, followers and comments keep us motivated!
I'm buying a scale tonight! So I'll know exactly how much I'm losing, on something I can check every day!!
This means I could be at my goal weight in 46 days. So needless to say, I am going to binge a bit these next couple of days. Because starting thursday morning at 12:00AM EVERYTHING Changes!!!
Stay Strong ladies!
xxxblakexxx
Interesting day...
Yesterday was a Hard day, constant dizziness. But the good news is this. I stayed strong. Thank. God. I ate, but I didn't overdo it.
I wrestled around with some friends and burned around 500 calories. THANK YOU LORD.
=]
I also had a ridiculously good time at work, ran around throwing fries at one of my fellow employees, and ducking behind nutrition facts. It was fun, and exercise. I needed something fun. And plus, he's pretty cute. ;P (Update: He is only a couple years older than me, has a girlfriend that he hates, and a young daughter. Pros and cons to that, and I thought about it very negatively until I met her today. She is the most precious thing in the entire world. Gaah life is complicated.)
I currently have a couple of dilemmas though, I am really afraid that I'm not going to do very well in school. Next school year, I am taking 3 core science classes and calculus. And I don't think I'll be able to be keep up without Ana's help. When I don't keep a tight ship, I can't keep up with anything, and she seems to be loosening her grip. I'm so scared. I don't want things to change. Not that kind of change. I just can't do it. I need this... I really just don't want this to go away. I need Ana, especially now. Oh god you guys. I really need Ana.
Anyone that wants to text me for motivation/ to motivate me, let me know and I'll email you my number. =]
Oh, and a side note, I wanted everyone's opinion on. Eli, who knows about Ana, or at least a good bit. Wants to read this blog. But doesn't have the web address... So it is up to me, I just don't know if I can actually let him. =\ just let me know what you think!!!!
I wrestled around with some friends and burned around 500 calories. THANK YOU LORD.
=]
I also had a ridiculously good time at work, ran around throwing fries at one of my fellow employees, and ducking behind nutrition facts. It was fun, and exercise. I needed something fun. And plus, he's pretty cute. ;P (Update: He is only a couple years older than me, has a girlfriend that he hates, and a young daughter. Pros and cons to that, and I thought about it very negatively until I met her today. She is the most precious thing in the entire world. Gaah life is complicated.)
I currently have a couple of dilemmas though, I am really afraid that I'm not going to do very well in school. Next school year, I am taking 3 core science classes and calculus. And I don't think I'll be able to be keep up without Ana's help. When I don't keep a tight ship, I can't keep up with anything, and she seems to be loosening her grip. I'm so scared. I don't want things to change. Not that kind of change. I just can't do it. I need this... I really just don't want this to go away. I need Ana, especially now. Oh god you guys. I really need Ana.
Anyone that wants to text me for motivation/ to motivate me, let me know and I'll email you my number. =]
Oh, and a side note, I wanted everyone's opinion on. Eli, who knows about Ana, or at least a good bit. Wants to read this blog. But doesn't have the web address... So it is up to me, I just don't know if I can actually let him. =\ just let me know what you think!!!!
Jun 14, 2010
Nope.
I'm not even going to go there.
Let it suffice to say, I went home to visit my mother today. And she did, as mothers do.
UGH
F@%#!!!!!
New game plan for cals.
500 tomorrow, 200 tuesday, and 600 wednesday (lifeguarding cert.) then fasting. Until I can't stand up. I really need that. I feel so disgusting. I want what happened when I got my tonsils removed. I couldn't eat anything but ice and water for three weeks. I've gotten so fat since then. =[ The only good news, it these past two days have seriously boosted my metabolism.
Rental Update: They haven't talked to me yet fingers crossed that they wont ask any unfortunate questions!!!
Until tomorrow!!!
Stay Strong, Stay Thin, Trust Yourself.
xxxblakexxx
Let it suffice to say, I went home to visit my mother today. And she did, as mothers do.
UGH
F@%#!!!!!
New game plan for cals.
500 tomorrow, 200 tuesday, and 600 wednesday (lifeguarding cert.) then fasting. Until I can't stand up. I really need that. I feel so disgusting. I want what happened when I got my tonsils removed. I couldn't eat anything but ice and water for three weeks. I've gotten so fat since then. =[ The only good news, it these past two days have seriously boosted my metabolism.
Rental Update: They haven't talked to me yet fingers crossed that they wont ask any unfortunate questions!!!
Until tomorrow!!!
Stay Strong, Stay Thin, Trust Yourself.
xxxblakexxx
Jun 12, 2010
UGHHH.
UGH UGH UGH UGH!!!
I failed today, miserably.
10 doritos.
a 60 cal salad, (that was the only okay part)
and a patty melt from Arby's ( I worked late, and my manager made it for me when i almost passed out while taking someones order.)
It's okay though, I made it almost four days. I am probably going to binge a whole bunch tonight, and then start again, for another two and a half days. I am really upset about not making it, but the good news was. When I ate, I felt so guilty I didn't even enjoy it. THANK GOD. Tomorrow I'll be back on track! I'm giving myself the next 30 minutes to eat whatever I want in small amounts. Then I'll be back on track tomorrow. And hopefully won't make any more mistakes before tuesday night, when I have to eat before I swim wednesday.
Oh, and an interesting development. I may not have a place to live now, After I move in, just about everything I own. I find out that if you're under 18 you aren't allowed to rent. So basically. I have to tell the truth and get kicked out. Or lie my ass off hope for the best. And probably get kicked out. Any opinions? I'm going to mention, I don't have a place to go. And if I go back to my parents house I lose my job... Food for thought, keep me strong lovelies,
I'll let you know how my new day 1 goes tomorrow.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana.
xxxblakexxx
I failed today, miserably.
10 doritos.
a 60 cal salad, (that was the only okay part)
and a patty melt from Arby's ( I worked late, and my manager made it for me when i almost passed out while taking someones order.)
It's okay though, I made it almost four days. I am probably going to binge a whole bunch tonight, and then start again, for another two and a half days. I am really upset about not making it, but the good news was. When I ate, I felt so guilty I didn't even enjoy it. THANK GOD. Tomorrow I'll be back on track! I'm giving myself the next 30 minutes to eat whatever I want in small amounts. Then I'll be back on track tomorrow. And hopefully won't make any more mistakes before tuesday night, when I have to eat before I swim wednesday.
Oh, and an interesting development. I may not have a place to live now, After I move in, just about everything I own. I find out that if you're under 18 you aren't allowed to rent. So basically. I have to tell the truth and get kicked out. Or lie my ass off hope for the best. And probably get kicked out. Any opinions? I'm going to mention, I don't have a place to go. And if I go back to my parents house I lose my job... Food for thought, keep me strong lovelies,
I'll let you know how my new day 1 goes tomorrow.
Stay strong, think thin, live Ana.
xxxblakexxx
Good news and bad news.
Good news: I'm in my new place for the first night, which is pretty exciting!
Bad news: I almost broke my fast today.
Better news: I managed to get myself under control.
So Day three was successful, and as is said. Three days to make a habit. It's all smooth sailing from here! However, I do feel bad about something. And I have a confession to make. In advance, Chiara, I'm sorry. I lied. I was asked if I'd eaten, and I didn't, which to anyone else wouldn't be a big deal in my mind. because deception is part of all of this. But to Chiara, it's different. I feel badly about it because she knows me better than that. So lying was just pointless. And I just feel like a miserable person about it...
Having said that, I felt ridiculously strong sitting in one of my favorite restaurants today eating nothing, just drinking ice water. I had to text someone for support there because I was sure I was going to just cave. But I didn't. Thank God, I fucking didn't. All of this work would have gone to waste.
On a side note, I realized that whether or not I want to. I have to eat on tuesday and wednesday, because of my lifeguard re-certifications. I need fuel for that. But I can fast as soon as its over and I leave my parents house. At least I will get plenty of exercise to offset the ridiculousness of everything I will have to ingest.
I'll be back to let you know how day 4 goes.
Stay strong lovelies
xxxblakexxx
Bad news: I almost broke my fast today.
Better news: I managed to get myself under control.
So Day three was successful, and as is said. Three days to make a habit. It's all smooth sailing from here! However, I do feel bad about something. And I have a confession to make. In advance, Chiara, I'm sorry. I lied. I was asked if I'd eaten, and I didn't, which to anyone else wouldn't be a big deal in my mind. because deception is part of all of this. But to Chiara, it's different. I feel badly about it because she knows me better than that. So lying was just pointless. And I just feel like a miserable person about it...
Having said that, I felt ridiculously strong sitting in one of my favorite restaurants today eating nothing, just drinking ice water. I had to text someone for support there because I was sure I was going to just cave. But I didn't. Thank God, I fucking didn't. All of this work would have gone to waste.
On a side note, I realized that whether or not I want to. I have to eat on tuesday and wednesday, because of my lifeguard re-certifications. I need fuel for that. But I can fast as soon as its over and I leave my parents house. At least I will get plenty of exercise to offset the ridiculousness of everything I will have to ingest.
I'll be back to let you know how day 4 goes.
Stay strong lovelies
xxxblakexxx
Jun 10, 2010
Thinspiration
I really love the first and fourth pictures, I think it might just be because I am a fan of black and white, but these women are so beautiful.
Stay strong lovelies
xxxblakexxx
Chiara...
I'm worried.
See, I was so sure that Chiara understood. But now, I feel like she understands less, and is trying to choose Ana. I need to explain to her that Ana isn't a lifestyle choice. That if you try and choose Ana, she chooses you. And then you're screwed. I need to let her know, that it can tear her apart. From the inside out and the outside in. It's a vice. The harder you struggle the tighter it feels. And though I'm okay with that. I'm really afraid that she is going to get far more than she bargained for. I just don't know how to convey to her how horrible this could be if she does it wrong. I just feel bad for not seeing sooner. Not noticing that she wasn't already there. I just wanted her to understand so badly.
I'm really hoping that my talk with her last night made an impact. If so, she should be in the clear. I'll support her, I just want her to be safe. And healthy, especially as much swimming as she's going to be doing this summer. If she passes out in the pool. She could drown. And that's really scary. Something, I should make sure she realizes too.
On another note, a far different note, hah. The liquid fast has been successful to this point. I'm going to the gym today too. So I hope that I'll keep myself in the negatives this week. I don't think it'll be too hard. I work tomorrow through sunday, as well as the fact that I work sunday. So fingers crossed I'll stay strong. Even through my parents visit.
Oh!!! It's Eli's Birthday today!! As well as Hope's!! It's really weird to think that two of my best friends would be born on the exact same day. I can't believe that Eli leaves tomorrow. =[ It's going to be such a long summer. Without him or Chiara, but at least I have something to keep me busy. And I'm going to make sure that I am very, very busy.
Quote of The Day:
"If you don't believe in magic, watch me disappear." -Brie Larson
Hope you all believe in magic...
Stay strong,
xxxblakexxx
See, I was so sure that Chiara understood. But now, I feel like she understands less, and is trying to choose Ana. I need to explain to her that Ana isn't a lifestyle choice. That if you try and choose Ana, she chooses you. And then you're screwed. I need to let her know, that it can tear her apart. From the inside out and the outside in. It's a vice. The harder you struggle the tighter it feels. And though I'm okay with that. I'm really afraid that she is going to get far more than she bargained for. I just don't know how to convey to her how horrible this could be if she does it wrong. I just feel bad for not seeing sooner. Not noticing that she wasn't already there. I just wanted her to understand so badly.
I'm really hoping that my talk with her last night made an impact. If so, she should be in the clear. I'll support her, I just want her to be safe. And healthy, especially as much swimming as she's going to be doing this summer. If she passes out in the pool. She could drown. And that's really scary. Something, I should make sure she realizes too.
On another note, a far different note, hah. The liquid fast has been successful to this point. I'm going to the gym today too. So I hope that I'll keep myself in the negatives this week. I don't think it'll be too hard. I work tomorrow through sunday, as well as the fact that I work sunday. So fingers crossed I'll stay strong. Even through my parents visit.
Oh!!! It's Eli's Birthday today!! As well as Hope's!! It's really weird to think that two of my best friends would be born on the exact same day. I can't believe that Eli leaves tomorrow. =[ It's going to be such a long summer. Without him or Chiara, but at least I have something to keep me busy. And I'm going to make sure that I am very, very busy.
Quote of The Day:
"If you don't believe in magic, watch me disappear." -Brie Larson
Hope you all believe in magic...
Stay strong,
xxxblakexxx
Jun 9, 2010
Schools Out For Summer, Kinda...
I just finished my last final. Thank God. I needed to be done with school, even if I only get a four week break before I start summer classes. Its been a stressful two weeks, I lost my place to live because I told Dick's mother that I wasn't sure if I could rent from them if he was going to continue to treat me the way he has been. But that I was still willing to give the first 30 days a shot. And she told me that if I was unhappy I shouldn't even be there for 30 days, so I got my stuff and got out. Sweet.
Good news it, I managed to find a place to live, as of like 3 days ago. I'm going to be living at a fraternity for the summer which is a thought that makes me slightly uneasy, but I can't complain, because now I won't have Dick constantly monitoring all of my eating habits. No more looks when water is dinner, and half a salad is too much for one day. No one will question me. No one will know. Just me, Chiara, and Darcy. But they are in this with me. It's amazing to learn how right I was about the way that Chiara views herself and food.
I decided to go out on a limb a couple of weeks ago, because she's leaving the country for the summer. So I figured if it went sour it'd only be like two weeks. And now I wish I would have talked to her at the beginning of the year. We bought a detox system together. And she is totally motivated to do everything with me. And now that I have her and Darcy, life will be so easy. So motivated. Everywhere i turn I'll have someone to push me one step farther. One step closer to my downward plummet of all that is Ana.
Darcy saved me last week too. I had a major crazy bread craving from Little Caesars. And instead she talked me into driving her to Good Will to get stuff for her apartment. That had the potential to be a 1000 calorie binge. I just need to make sure and call or text her whenever I am feeling weak. It will be so easy to stay motivated that way.
Currently I'm doing a 14-day Fat Burn and Detox. I'm attempting to avoid all solids for one week. However when Chiara's parents come to visit on friday, I feel like it may be difficult to avoid. But then, I could be completely wrong. It all just depends on whether or not i'm invited to dinner. Wait. I have to work. Easily avoidable. But when my own parents visit on sunday I am likely to be royally screwed. Unless I convince them I have already eaten. Should be easy enough. And plus I have to work that day too.
It's weird to think that Eli leaves in just a couple of days. And then I'll only see him every couple of weeks, like all summer. Which is going to be strange after spending around eight hours a day with him for the past six months or so. But it'll be good, well, maybe, I just have to look at it that way so that I don't cry about it. No one will be watching me eat. Except for Darcy. But that'll be good. She'll just be Ana's angel, sent to remind me of what a complete fat ass I am.
I'm sorry for the psycho-babble rant, I'm just trying to include everything. It'll be easier as you know more.
Stay Strong Lovelies,
xxxBlakexxx
Good news it, I managed to find a place to live, as of like 3 days ago. I'm going to be living at a fraternity for the summer which is a thought that makes me slightly uneasy, but I can't complain, because now I won't have Dick constantly monitoring all of my eating habits. No more looks when water is dinner, and half a salad is too much for one day. No one will question me. No one will know. Just me, Chiara, and Darcy. But they are in this with me. It's amazing to learn how right I was about the way that Chiara views herself and food.
I decided to go out on a limb a couple of weeks ago, because she's leaving the country for the summer. So I figured if it went sour it'd only be like two weeks. And now I wish I would have talked to her at the beginning of the year. We bought a detox system together. And she is totally motivated to do everything with me. And now that I have her and Darcy, life will be so easy. So motivated. Everywhere i turn I'll have someone to push me one step farther. One step closer to my downward plummet of all that is Ana.
Darcy saved me last week too. I had a major crazy bread craving from Little Caesars. And instead she talked me into driving her to Good Will to get stuff for her apartment. That had the potential to be a 1000 calorie binge. I just need to make sure and call or text her whenever I am feeling weak. It will be so easy to stay motivated that way.
Currently I'm doing a 14-day Fat Burn and Detox. I'm attempting to avoid all solids for one week. However when Chiara's parents come to visit on friday, I feel like it may be difficult to avoid. But then, I could be completely wrong. It all just depends on whether or not i'm invited to dinner. Wait. I have to work. Easily avoidable. But when my own parents visit on sunday I am likely to be royally screwed. Unless I convince them I have already eaten. Should be easy enough. And plus I have to work that day too.
It's weird to think that Eli leaves in just a couple of days. And then I'll only see him every couple of weeks, like all summer. Which is going to be strange after spending around eight hours a day with him for the past six months or so. But it'll be good, well, maybe, I just have to look at it that way so that I don't cry about it. No one will be watching me eat. Except for Darcy. But that'll be good. She'll just be Ana's angel, sent to remind me of what a complete fat ass I am.
I'm sorry for the psycho-babble rant, I'm just trying to include everything. It'll be easier as you know more.
Stay Strong Lovelies,
xxxBlakexxx
Dick.
Three weeks, still...
I was actually upset enough tonight, to cry. And more seriously than that, to actually call Dick to ask for help. But, not much of a surprise, he didn't answer, or respond to my texts. He's probably sound asleep next to his girlfriend. Which isn't what bugs me. It's that he refuses to be my friend and have a girlfriend at the same time. The only time I am friend material, is when he can picture the chance of the two of us dating, which is just pathetic. It's never going to happen, I don't know how many times I have to tell him.
Regardless though, I tried to contact him, to no avail. Not like it matters, he never even responded, not then. Not in the morning, not ever. He wouldn't actually care anyway, he never cares about anything. He doesn't care about me, or when he almost ruined my life, and his. I never should have hooked up with him when I knew better. All he cared about was himself, no matter how much I begged him to care about me and my situation... At this point all he'd do if I was having an issue is mock me. Kind of a pathetic realization.
All i'm waiting for is to see how much money I save when I don't eat much. Darcy and I are going to budget a certain amount of money per week to food. And then what we don't spend we are going to put in a jar, so that maybe next summer we can go to cali or something."
I was actually upset enough tonight, to cry. And more seriously than that, to actually call Dick to ask for help. But, not much of a surprise, he didn't answer, or respond to my texts. He's probably sound asleep next to his girlfriend. Which isn't what bugs me. It's that he refuses to be my friend and have a girlfriend at the same time. The only time I am friend material, is when he can picture the chance of the two of us dating, which is just pathetic. It's never going to happen, I don't know how many times I have to tell him.
Regardless though, I tried to contact him, to no avail. Not like it matters, he never even responded, not then. Not in the morning, not ever. He wouldn't actually care anyway, he never cares about anything. He doesn't care about me, or when he almost ruined my life, and his. I never should have hooked up with him when I knew better. All he cared about was himself, no matter how much I begged him to care about me and my situation... At this point all he'd do if I was having an issue is mock me. Kind of a pathetic realization.
All i'm waiting for is to see how much money I save when I don't eat much. Darcy and I are going to budget a certain amount of money per week to food. And then what we don't spend we are going to put in a jar, so that maybe next summer we can go to cali or something."
Phillip...
Three weeks...
"Phillip is coming up today, and when he sees me he'll know, that's the issue with having best friends. When they don't see you for a while, they can tell the changes. I don't think he'll say anything, I think he'll just be secretly disappointed. Which is fine.
Especially since now i don't have this stupid 1100 caloric requirement that Dick made me swear to. Not like I've been following it anyway, but at least now I don't have to lie to him about it anymore. My issue is going to be willpower, because I don't have a lot of it. As I've made apparent, every time Dick has made a move.
This time, I'll win, just to spite him. It'll be more motivating than anything else! When he sees it happening it'll just kill him. I at least have the chance to look forward to the look on his face. When Dick realizes, if he ever does, that this new step in my game is All His Fault. When he sees the bones, he'll just want to puke. It's gonna be amazing, knowing that he had the power all along. It will tear him apart from the inside out. Perfect. =]
What I really want, is to feel the loss of control right before I pass out, it's been a while since I felt that, and I don't know why, but I want it. I want to lose control one more time, I want to hit the floor just once more, before I claim it all, all the control.
I felt really strong today, sitting with Chiara and Eli, while he ate a piece of cheesecake, and she downed this fattening croissant. All i had was a sugar free italian soda. If I'm going to do this I just need to keep thinking about how disgusting that croissant looked, oozing all of the oil as soon as it heats up. From now on, even if something isn't totally disgusting I am going to remind myself that it is.
Food is Nasty, Food is Gross. Food's for Fatties, Which I Hate the Most."
"Phillip is coming up today, and when he sees me he'll know, that's the issue with having best friends. When they don't see you for a while, they can tell the changes. I don't think he'll say anything, I think he'll just be secretly disappointed. Which is fine.
Especially since now i don't have this stupid 1100 caloric requirement that Dick made me swear to. Not like I've been following it anyway, but at least now I don't have to lie to him about it anymore. My issue is going to be willpower, because I don't have a lot of it. As I've made apparent, every time Dick has made a move.
This time, I'll win, just to spite him. It'll be more motivating than anything else! When he sees it happening it'll just kill him. I at least have the chance to look forward to the look on his face. When Dick realizes, if he ever does, that this new step in my game is All His Fault. When he sees the bones, he'll just want to puke. It's gonna be amazing, knowing that he had the power all along. It will tear him apart from the inside out. Perfect. =]
What I really want, is to feel the loss of control right before I pass out, it's been a while since I felt that, and I don't know why, but I want it. I want to lose control one more time, I want to hit the floor just once more, before I claim it all, all the control.
I felt really strong today, sitting with Chiara and Eli, while he ate a piece of cheesecake, and she downed this fattening croissant. All i had was a sugar free italian soda. If I'm going to do this I just need to keep thinking about how disgusting that croissant looked, oozing all of the oil as soon as it heats up. From now on, even if something isn't totally disgusting I am going to remind myself that it is.
Food is Nasty, Food is Gross. Food's for Fatties, Which I Hate the Most."
The Fat Kid
Three weeks ago...
"I refuse to be the fat kid.
Here comes the psycho babble. But as long as I'm not eating, it's all okay. I need diet pills. I want something that will give me that fantastic caffeine buzz, anything to keep me from focusing on hunger. I am craving the jitters. I'm going to walk to Safeway and see how much I have on my gift card, and see if I can get something with that. Because i really need to avoid these high calorie energy drinks....
I ended up with Amino Fuel, a protein supplement to build muscle. Which normally I'd be against, except for the fact that muscle burns calories, so if I build muscle now, then get rid of it later, I'll be better off."
"I refuse to be the fat kid.
Here comes the psycho babble. But as long as I'm not eating, it's all okay. I need diet pills. I want something that will give me that fantastic caffeine buzz, anything to keep me from focusing on hunger. I am craving the jitters. I'm going to walk to Safeway and see how much I have on my gift card, and see if I can get something with that. Because i really need to avoid these high calorie energy drinks....
I ended up with Amino Fuel, a protein supplement to build muscle. Which normally I'd be against, except for the fact that muscle burns calories, so if I build muscle now, then get rid of it later, I'll be better off."
Chiara Understands...
Three or So Weeks Ago...
"I'm pretty sure that Chiara is more concerned about ED than she'll admit. However, I believe that it's mostly because she understands. When someone shares your insecurities in secret. They are much more likely to worry when they aren't such secrets anymore.
I can only wonder, because she hasn't told me much about her present feelings about herself. Nothing I could divulge anyway. I'm pretty sure that she is closer to this than I'll ever give her credit for. I'd feel bad for assuming, but I don't think I'm wrong. If I am, I'm sure I'll find out later. Then I can feel bad for it.
It's kind of ridiculous, because she's that gorgeous type of girl, with the rockin' curves and the amazing hourglass figure. And of course, she's a dancer. Which makes it twice as bad. because she has all that grace and strength packed in her 5'8 body. And then there is me, the sad, fat, leggy fawn, that can't quite move without stumbling.
And to think she worries about how she looks. Or maybe she doesn't. But I know ED.
I know better.
It's just a matter of how much she worries. I'll find out in the future. I just hope it won't be at a high cost."
"I'm pretty sure that Chiara is more concerned about ED than she'll admit. However, I believe that it's mostly because she understands. When someone shares your insecurities in secret. They are much more likely to worry when they aren't such secrets anymore.
I can only wonder, because she hasn't told me much about her present feelings about herself. Nothing I could divulge anyway. I'm pretty sure that she is closer to this than I'll ever give her credit for. I'd feel bad for assuming, but I don't think I'm wrong. If I am, I'm sure I'll find out later. Then I can feel bad for it.
It's kind of ridiculous, because she's that gorgeous type of girl, with the rockin' curves and the amazing hourglass figure. And of course, she's a dancer. Which makes it twice as bad. because she has all that grace and strength packed in her 5'8 body. And then there is me, the sad, fat, leggy fawn, that can't quite move without stumbling.
And to think she worries about how she looks. Or maybe she doesn't. But I know ED.
I know better.
It's just a matter of how much she worries. I'll find out in the future. I just hope it won't be at a high cost."
24 Hour Fast
My 24 hours of hell...
"The hunger pangs have hit. I think I'm going to get very familiar with the idea of spilling all my thoughts onto paper or a keyboard over the next few weeks, or months. i think part of my issue is I obsess over food. But that makes it better. It makes me stronger, and plus, hungry means it's working.
On a side note, Dick kissed me. Which I think is really bad. I can't let him draw me in again, even with the promise that I can keep Ana if I do what he wants. The last time was really bad. And I won't be played twice. The idea makes my skin crawl, it disgusts me, and makes me hate myself for what we did.
Tonight was also a reminder that i need to keep thoughts away from Dick, it was a bad deal. Too many questions, too much curiosity.
No matter what though, this diet starts, salad only when I'm going to pass out. No calories. None. My body hates being a pig and so do I. I really hate how I'm looking, but worse, I hate how I'm feeling. I feel heavy, heavy and disgusting. I know I can moderate my disgust level, but only if i let Ana help. Or better yet, take over completely. I need to start walk/running, long distances. It doesn't matter if it takes me hours.
I just have to write what I think, and soon I'll forget how I feel."
"The hunger pangs have hit. I think I'm going to get very familiar with the idea of spilling all my thoughts onto paper or a keyboard over the next few weeks, or months. i think part of my issue is I obsess over food. But that makes it better. It makes me stronger, and plus, hungry means it's working.
On a side note, Dick kissed me. Which I think is really bad. I can't let him draw me in again, even with the promise that I can keep Ana if I do what he wants. The last time was really bad. And I won't be played twice. The idea makes my skin crawl, it disgusts me, and makes me hate myself for what we did.
Tonight was also a reminder that i need to keep thoughts away from Dick, it was a bad deal. Too many questions, too much curiosity.
No matter what though, this diet starts, salad only when I'm going to pass out. No calories. None. My body hates being a pig and so do I. I really hate how I'm looking, but worse, I hate how I'm feeling. I feel heavy, heavy and disgusting. I know I can moderate my disgust level, but only if i let Ana help. Or better yet, take over completely. I need to start walk/running, long distances. It doesn't matter if it takes me hours.
I just have to write what I think, and soon I'll forget how I feel."
Starting Over-Journal Entry
About a month ago...
"Today I start all over. Enough is enough, I'm done dealing with it all. The weight; gone. The blade; sharper than ever. My ex boyfriend Adolf's visit to me at school did a fair job of reminding me. He always has a tendency to leave me utterly terrified.
To write Love on her arms. Time to scrub off the sharpie, no one really loves you through your insecurities, you have to love yourself, or love Ana. Time to work off the pounds, running, biking, swimming, horseback riding, yoga, or anything else. I'm going to fit them in. I'm going to make thin happen for me. I won't let it be taken from me again, not like it was earlier this year.
I know I can do this, I've just got to try harder. I need to focus, get a good job. And save for a street bike. Then I'll be able to escape whenever I need to. I've gained back everything I lost being sick. Which is going to make this twice as hard. But time will tell. I can do this. I have to.
I've been eating like six seemingly huge meals per day, and it shouldn't even be one. I'm afraid that i won't be able to keep up with everything I need to do this summer. I'll need caffeine to keep up, but I'll worry about that later. If I can just focus on work and not the avoidance of food it will come naturally.
The good news is I can chew gum to my little heart's content. I wonder if it's possible to lose ten pounds in one week? I want a detox, but water doesn't seem like it would quite do the trick. I just can't afford a legitimate detox right now. I should just read ingredients and then follow the process. Since I don't have many options I am just going to water fast or 24 hours. Gum if I need something to keep my mouth occupied (hah) and a long walk tonight, maybe some swimming.
I have to do this. I have to stay strong."
xxxblakexxx
"Today I start all over. Enough is enough, I'm done dealing with it all. The weight; gone. The blade; sharper than ever. My ex boyfriend Adolf's visit to me at school did a fair job of reminding me. He always has a tendency to leave me utterly terrified.
To write Love on her arms. Time to scrub off the sharpie, no one really loves you through your insecurities, you have to love yourself, or love Ana. Time to work off the pounds, running, biking, swimming, horseback riding, yoga, or anything else. I'm going to fit them in. I'm going to make thin happen for me. I won't let it be taken from me again, not like it was earlier this year.
I know I can do this, I've just got to try harder. I need to focus, get a good job. And save for a street bike. Then I'll be able to escape whenever I need to. I've gained back everything I lost being sick. Which is going to make this twice as hard. But time will tell. I can do this. I have to.
I've been eating like six seemingly huge meals per day, and it shouldn't even be one. I'm afraid that i won't be able to keep up with everything I need to do this summer. I'll need caffeine to keep up, but I'll worry about that later. If I can just focus on work and not the avoidance of food it will come naturally.
The good news is I can chew gum to my little heart's content. I wonder if it's possible to lose ten pounds in one week? I want a detox, but water doesn't seem like it would quite do the trick. I just can't afford a legitimate detox right now. I should just read ingredients and then follow the process. Since I don't have many options I am just going to water fast or 24 hours. Gum if I need something to keep my mouth occupied (hah) and a long walk tonight, maybe some swimming.
I have to do this. I have to stay strong."
xxxblakexxx
First Post
Current Weight: 156 ( i think, yet to get my hands on a scale today)
Height: 5'8
Goal Weight: 110
I won't be putting my real name in, just incase someone I know, knows Ana. But you can all call me Blake. I have been struggling for control for a long time, and now I'm ready to completely commit. I know that this will motivate me to stay strong, think thin, and live Ana the way I should.
A side note, those in recovery, please turn away. You will most likely find this material triggering. Don't do it to yourself, stay strong. Also, those anti-anas out there. If you have something to say about this blog, email me, don't spam up my blog with comments I just have to delete. If you have something to say, say it to me, and I'll talk to you about it.
A few things about me, I graduated high school three years early. I'm a bio-chem/bio-physics major at my state university. I'm straight, with a fair number of boy issues. I play piano, do gymnastics, and ride horses. And I love to write.
For a while this blog will consist of entries in my journal from the recent past, just to get you all up to date. They might not have dates on them, but I'll try and give you a fair idea of when I wrote them. Everyone I will talk about will have an alias. Just to keep everything anonymous for them. But I'll let you get to know me, and them, very well.
Currently I have been eating as little as possible, and then last night, I went to sharis on a massive binge. Mozzarella sticks and cheesecake, with salad. That was my last meal in a sense. Now, everything is different, my roommate, a friend, and a fellow blogger are joining me this week. Only liquids, no calorie counting, but no solids, at all. As a favorite blogger of mine as recently said, It takes three days to form a habit. So today, day one, is just the beginning. It will get harder, but It can only get better. As long as I Stay Strong, Think Thin, and Live Ana.
xxxblakexxx
Height: 5'8
Goal Weight: 110
I won't be putting my real name in, just incase someone I know, knows Ana. But you can all call me Blake. I have been struggling for control for a long time, and now I'm ready to completely commit. I know that this will motivate me to stay strong, think thin, and live Ana the way I should.
A side note, those in recovery, please turn away. You will most likely find this material triggering. Don't do it to yourself, stay strong. Also, those anti-anas out there. If you have something to say about this blog, email me, don't spam up my blog with comments I just have to delete. If you have something to say, say it to me, and I'll talk to you about it.
A few things about me, I graduated high school three years early. I'm a bio-chem/bio-physics major at my state university. I'm straight, with a fair number of boy issues. I play piano, do gymnastics, and ride horses. And I love to write.
For a while this blog will consist of entries in my journal from the recent past, just to get you all up to date. They might not have dates on them, but I'll try and give you a fair idea of when I wrote them. Everyone I will talk about will have an alias. Just to keep everything anonymous for them. But I'll let you get to know me, and them, very well.
Currently I have been eating as little as possible, and then last night, I went to sharis on a massive binge. Mozzarella sticks and cheesecake, with salad. That was my last meal in a sense. Now, everything is different, my roommate, a friend, and a fellow blogger are joining me this week. Only liquids, no calorie counting, but no solids, at all. As a favorite blogger of mine as recently said, It takes three days to form a habit. So today, day one, is just the beginning. It will get harder, but It can only get better. As long as I Stay Strong, Think Thin, and Live Ana.
xxxblakexxx
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