Jun 9, 2010

Starting Over-Journal Entry

About a month ago...

"Today I start all over. Enough is enough, I'm done dealing with it all. The weight; gone. The blade; sharper than ever. My ex boyfriend Adolf's visit to me at school did a fair job of reminding me. He always has a tendency to leave me utterly terrified.

To write Love on her arms. Time to scrub off the sharpie, no one really loves you through your insecurities, you have to love yourself, or love Ana. Time to work off the pounds, running, biking, swimming, horseback riding, yoga, or anything else. I'm going to fit them in. I'm going to make thin happen for me. I won't let it be taken from me again, not like it was earlier this year.

I know I can do this, I've just got to try harder. I need to focus, get a good job. And save for a street bike. Then I'll be able to escape whenever I need to. I've gained back everything I lost being sick. Which is going to make this twice as hard. But time will tell. I can do this. I have to.

I've been eating like six seemingly huge meals per day, and it shouldn't even be one. I'm afraid that i won't be able to keep up with everything I need to do this summer. I'll need caffeine to keep up, but I'll worry about that later. If I can just focus on work and not the avoidance of food it will come naturally.

The good news is I can chew gum to my little heart's content. I wonder if it's possible to lose ten pounds in one week? I want a detox, but water doesn't seem like it would quite do the trick. I just can't afford a legitimate detox right now. I should just read ingredients and then follow the process. Since I don't have many options I am just going to water fast or 24 hours. Gum if I need something to keep my mouth occupied (hah) and a long walk tonight, maybe some swimming.

I have to do this. I have to stay strong."


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