Jun 29, 2010

Sorry For the Break..

I'm sorry that I haven't posted much recently I've been sort of consumed with a project. I've been making a thinspo book. It has filled up ridiculously fast with quotes, pictures, ideas, and soon a list of safe binge foods.

Speaking of binge foods. Rice cakes have become my best friend. I can have seven little cakes for 60 calories and paired with a liter of water, I get filled up very quickly. It has been hard to stick with things recently. Phillip is so critical.. He won't say anything either. That's what really gets to me... He just sits there and stares at me while I pick apart the food he's forcing on me. As if I'm not suffering enough. No, he has to stare at me while I turn into a fat, whale, of a person.

As for my accounts, and the fraudulent activity. Turns out it was some kind of bot that came up with my account number and was used to fund someone's world of warcraft addiction =[
However!!! There is a silver lining... =] I have about twenty dollars to my name, until they can get my account charges reversed. Which will take about a week. I have to pay for gas to get to work, screw it. I have to ride my bike to work. And twenty dollars is enough to get me home to visit my parents and back. Then I'm broke, I actually won't be able to overeat. This may have turned into on of the best things ever!

I finally overcame the plateau of 150. I've always had major issues overcoming it before. The fives and tens give me hell. But when I pass them.. ;) I weighed 149 about 5 hours ago, and that was before I went on an 8 mile bike ride that was 6 miles of hill. =D And I haven't eaten since then. And to avoid it, since I had time to waste I walked around corvallis for about an hour and a half and talked to Eli on the phone for most of it. Still haven't eaten, still don't intend to. However, the next few days are going to be trying. So please think thin thoughts for me, I'm going home tomorrow, and my mom will try to feed me dinner. It kills me too, because she's been fasting for two days now. And she's going to stop fasting just in time for me to be there so she'll expect me to eat so much. She's SO hypocritical I could just die. But that's dinner tomorrow, breakfast, on thursday and then I have to go to work. But then Eli comes back on friday, which is fantastic! But food... given, I am broke which helps. And If I acquire any money, I am buying a sensor for my nike+ so that I can track my jogs.

On the note of Eli. HOLY SHIT. You wouldn't believe what happened. When we went to bend this weekend for his bike race, we went to this frozen yogurt place, and I was freaking out about my bank account so I definitely binged a bit on yogurt, and they had nothing fat free that wasn't chocolate(I'm allergic) so I ate like 500 calories of frozen yogurt. Here's the thing. My body rejected it, like I haven't experienced in a while. And ten minutes later when we were at Applebee's getting dinner. I told him I had to use the bathroom and he said "okay, I'll be here." while he was shaking his head. I found the bathroom and before I could even think I was on my knees and the yogurt was no more. It was the strangest thing, because I didn't have to do anything. I walked into the stall locked the door and turned around. I barely made it to the toilet, so maybe my body just couldn't handle it... Hmm..

I returned to the table with a composed smile and a freshly washed face, and there was a glass of water. He didn't say a word about my bathroom trip, or my fresh lack of makeup. Just looked at me like he knew, and said "so what are you gonna get to eat?" I couldn't even answer. He said more than anyone has ever said. And he didn't say a thing. It's the strangest thing. I just don't know how it impacted me so intensely. But it was engraved in my mind, while I bought my vegetarian salad with a vinaigrette, and ate around half of it. I really wasn't hungry at that point, my mind was reeling with thoughts of Eli and Ana.

He's known for a while that I've had issues with food, and he's always has an innocent curiosity that I found slightly endearing. But the naivety that I could always rely on with him has diminished. And I'm not quite sure what to think. (input welcome) All I can think is that he knows, and has just decided to accept things, since I don't look thin at this point. Maybe he just won't worry until then. Or maybe he knows that I'm headstrong enough to keep up with it regardless of what he says.

I've also been enjoying bicycling recently, as I mentioned before. Which on the one hand I'm opposed to... Because you eat soo much. But on the other hand. One race (this last weekend), burned him 2600 calories. And even if I only did it recreationally that's a LOT of calories.

I feel badly about Phillip, he wasn't ready for the knowledge he has, and now he notices too much for his own conscience. Admittedly, I've been spiteful though. When he tries to force me to eat, since I know he'll look at me strangely anyway, I just smile and tell him I'm not hungry. Which works okay, until he hears my stomach growling which is just sickly satisfying.

I'm slipping into Ana's bony embrace. I'm also beginning to enjoy it. Until next time lovelies.


Quotes of the Day:

"When I'm Hungry I'm Happy"

"There is no TRY, only DO"

"It's simple, You decide once and for all that you aren't going to eat. Then, there is no further decisions to make"

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