Jun 9, 2010


Three weeks...

"Phillip is coming up today, and when he sees me he'll know, that's the issue with having best friends. When they don't see you for a while, they can tell the changes. I don't think he'll say anything, I think he'll just be secretly disappointed. Which is fine.

Especially since now i don't have this stupid 1100 caloric requirement that Dick made me swear to. Not like I've been following it anyway, but at least now I don't have to lie to him about it anymore. My issue is going to be willpower, because I don't have a lot of it. As I've made apparent, every time Dick has made a move.

This time, I'll win, just to spite him. It'll be more motivating than anything else! When he sees it happening it'll just kill him. I at least have the chance to look forward to the look on his face. When Dick realizes, if he ever does, that this new step in my game is All His Fault. When he sees the bones, he'll just want to puke. It's gonna be amazing, knowing that he had the power all along. It will tear him apart from the inside out. Perfect. =]

What I really want, is to feel the loss of control right before I pass out, it's been a while since I felt that, and I don't know why, but I want it. I want to lose control one more time, I want to hit the floor just once more, before I claim it all, all the control.

I felt really strong today, sitting with Chiara and Eli, while he ate a piece of cheesecake, and she downed this fattening croissant. All i had was a sugar free italian soda. If I'm going to do this I just need to keep thinking about how disgusting that croissant looked, oozing all of the oil as soon as it heats up. From now on, even if something isn't totally disgusting I am going to remind myself that it is.

Food is Nasty, Food is Gross. Food's for Fatties, Which I Hate the Most."

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