Jun 23, 2010

An Expansion...

Hello Lovelies,

An expansion on my goodbye last post. Phillip glanced over my shoulder when I was writing that last post. And saw that I was writing something on Ana’s Arms. So he searched blogger until he found the page. And there were too many similarities to play it off. So after a million and a half questions, and a good two hours of me being miserable. He has sworn to not pester me about it, to not read my blog (because he agreed that at this point, knowing that I write it, it would be an invasion of privacy). He said he realizes that no matter what he thinks, or says, or does at this point will change how I feel. Or what I intend to do. So he isn’t going to try. He also seems okay with that fact. Honestly I was relieved by that, because I know, as well as the next person that what you put on the internet is never private.

But I don’t think he realizes… Realizes how far I intend to take this. If he did… I don’t think he’d let it go. But that’s okay. I’m determined to not let him affect the way that I write. Or the way that I handle myself. I need this, and he, nor anyone else can take it from me. Given, I know that if he chose to show this to my parents, he could probably land me in therapy. But he also said he wouldn’t do that. He knows the toll it would take on our friendship. And I think he values it more than that.

On a slightly funny note… If it can be considered that, I definitely had a nightmare the other night, that woke me, almost sobbing. In the middle of the night… I was being chased by a kilo-calorie. Yes, I do believe that I am afraid of food at this point. But that’s a good thing in all honesty. I just wish I’d have nightmares more often. Would be so much simpler than trying to play games in my head. I also know that I am afraid of the consequences of eating. I just need that to weigh more than my love for the taste…. Which leads me to the idea of chewing and spitting… So many things have been running through my mind recently. That I’m kind of spinning in circles.

But here’s what I know, I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired of how I look. I want to do something about it. I want to be down at least a pant size by my birthday. And that’s in less than a month and a half. It’s not something I’m sure I can honestly do without a huge amount of exercise. I also had to work so much.. I worked a nine hour shift when I was only supposed to work for three hours… It’s leaving me exhausted and searching for food. I think I’m going to let celery and cliff bars be my allowed binge food of the next week and a half or so. Or maybe blueberries, which are fairly acceptable, and only around $3.

Sorry for the long post everyone, I guess I just have a lot on my mind.

Stay strong, think thin, live Ana.


1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you mean about being sick and tired of being sick and being sick and tired of how you look. I also know exactly what you mean about being afraid of food. Just know that you're not alone at all, sweetheart. Stay strong, and you'll reach those goals soon.