Jun 9, 2010

24 Hour Fast

My 24 hours of hell...

"The hunger pangs have hit. I think I'm going to get very familiar with the idea of spilling all my thoughts onto paper or a keyboard over the next few weeks, or months. i think part of my issue is I obsess over food. But that makes it better. It makes me stronger, and plus, hungry means it's working.

On a side note, Dick kissed me. Which I think is really bad. I can't let him draw me in again, even with the promise that I can keep Ana if I do what he wants. The last time was really bad. And I won't be played twice. The idea makes my skin crawl, it disgusts me, and makes me hate myself for what we did.

Tonight was also a reminder that i need to keep thoughts away from Dick, it was a bad deal. Too many questions, too much curiosity.

No matter what though, this diet starts, salad only when I'm going to pass out. No calories. None. My body hates being a pig and so do I. I really hate how I'm looking, but worse, I hate how I'm feeling. I feel heavy, heavy and disgusting. I know I can moderate my disgust level, but only if i let Ana help. Or better yet, take over completely. I need to start walk/running, long distances. It doesn't matter if it takes me hours.

I just have to write what I think, and soon I'll forget how I feel."

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