Fasting today...

Because why not? Eli isn't here all day today and my schedule doesn't overlap as much with my friend from school.

No one will notice. No one would even care.

I may have my coffee this morning, but other than that a little bit of juice diluted with water, tea, and if I'm just jonesing for food I'll have some broth (5kcal per cup). Then adderall to keep me focused through the day. I'm almost giddy about the whole idea. I had forgotten about how much I missed this control.

If all goes well and everything is avoidable, I may continue on into tomorrow (until we go out for dinner. Dee we're supposed to be on this meal program with a 'cheat meal' on Friday. So it isn't just going out for dinner, it's finding the crappiest food that tastes the absolute best and gorging ourselves on it for dinner Friday. Shit. The benefit is we aren't supposed to bring leftovers home. So whatever I don't finish we leave at the restaurant.

I've already got a couple of rules for it, no cheese, no deep fried (they make my stomach hurt).
The options left after that are already a lot better.

Well, anyway. Off to put my nose to the grindstone, exam this afternoon. Fasting today, fasting half of tomorrow? Should be a floaty time.

xxblake

New Drug?

I've started on a new weight loss drug... I know that it has been considered very dangerous by some but I don't really care at this point. My weight can't keep staying the same. I'm being careful with it, taking all the necessary supplements and drinking plenty of water.

If Eli finds out, game over.

It just makes me so warm. This still shouldn't be as bad as using it in the summertime was. It also makes me super out of it, but then I have adderall to pick me back up...  Just get rid of this plateau, because more exercise and less food doesn't seem to be doing it. If I could just lose like 5 or 10 pounds for right now I'd be happy.

Oh who am I kidding, no I wouldn't be.

xxblake

Happy Monday I Guess...

I had another nightmare last night. This time Eli didn't leave me, this time I died. But I was still there, and I kept trying to tell everyone that even though my heart had stopped that I was there and I was fine and everything would be okay.

But no one could see me. Even though they would talk right to me. Everyone said that they couldn't see me. So I guess I really was dead? Maybe it was 'my spirit' or whatever. But I called the doctor that had removed my heart and he could hear me too. But he told me that sometimes this happened. That people just had trouble letting go when it was time and that I needed just to accept that it was the end for me and I needed to leave everyone alone… I started to fade then, so I went to find Eli. But he could see me, and hear me. It was like nothing had changed. Only my heart was no longer beating. But he held me, and it was wonderful. But I started to fade away anyway...

Then I woke up sobbing, and laid with him until I was going to be late for school.

My head is all fucked up again.

xxblake

Not losing... Not gaining. Just desperation.

Wtf. I'm trying this workout program and meal plan… It is supposed to glean some really great results but there is so much food. There hasn't been a single day this week that I could eat everything on the meal plan.

I also saw a psych yesterday. I'm not totally sold on the whole idea but I have so much anxiety… I'm not talking to him about any Ana stuff. This is just about life stuff and school. But talking about feelings is better than eating them. So I'll keep seeing him once a week or so. Apparently I have adjustment disorder. Which I think is a kind way to say I am a complete control freak that cant handle changes I don't have complete power over... Shocker.

The second week of school and I haven't lost any more weight. But it has at least stayed constant at 149.

I still have at least 15 pounds to go though.

5 more by the end of October.

This has to happen. I'm so desperate

xxblake

Fat Fuck.

This weekend was terrible. Eli and I had to go to a dinner with this event crew that I volunteer with. There was so much food that couldn't be avoided and once I started I couldn't fucking stop. Today hasn't been much better. I worked out for a while but I've been hoovering food down. I am so frustrated with myself. I just don't know what to do.

I need to stay out of the house and away from the food. I just can't really do that because I feel so awful for leaving my dog at home all day without activity but I get home and I'm so tired that I can't do anything. I've still gotten my workouts in but my activity is just low outside of that.

My stomach hurts so bad from all the fucking food.

stay stronger than me
xxblake

15 pounds down...

I'm getting so high off this feeling. I had forgotten what it was like to lose like this.

I'm starting to see bones again. Just a little. But I am.

Problem: Eli comes home for the weekend tonight. The goal is just to not gain.
No more than 2 drinks per night and only if I've already worked out.
I also have a friend coming to visit probably, he's a sweetheart and knows about my Adderall use previously, as he had some addiction issues and I talked to him at the time so that I could hear from someone that understood what it was like to get off an addictive substance.

My real concern is that he'll notice that I'm not normal. It's hard to bounce meals off of people when they are both in the house with you. When I go to school, I ate before I came. When I get home, I ate at school. The thing is, I am still eating. Just not a lot.

Fuck the doctors who wouldn't help me because my weight was normal. I'll show them.

I know the weight loss is going to slow down soon. That scares me, that's when the real games begin. My own sicker version of the hunger games.

Can't worry about it if I'm working out. Off to the gym.

Have a good day/weekend lovelies, I'll likely be back when Eli goes back to work.

xxblake

And no one notices.

I've slipped. It's magical.
 I'm down 13 pounds.

I've been better about the Adderall than I thought I would be. I'm only using it when I really need it. Which is good. Because Eli would definitely notice. Low doses really have an effect now and I talk a mile a minute.

Year 2 has started at school. There is so much work already and I'm just halfway through the first week. I haven't even been to all of my classes yet. But I can do this, I can focus and I want this. Badly.

I slipped up on my and Eli's trip to visit family last month. He saw a playlist on my phone that he shouldn't have. But I just wrote it off and he made me delete it. I did, but I have a new, better one now. I managed to hide the Adderall use from him on the trip and God, it really helped me control my eating. But I feel guilty about it.

He said the other night that he was so proud of me for stopping the Adderall use. That he knew that it was really hard and he was so glad I did it. I couldn't even say anything.

It was heartbreaking

Especially because I know he is going to find out eventually. It isn't the type of thing I can hide well once the dose increases. So I'm motivated to at least not use it everyday. I'm off it completely on the weekends when he and I spend all day together and I'm going to only try to use it on my long class days.

I know that ana has a tendency to come between relationships. But I hope that someday he can forgive me for this. Really, that's why I can do this. Because in the back of my head I know he will always forgive me. He will always be there for me. This is just a minor setback. I'm just hoping that I can get to my GW and then discontinue the use slowly. Maybe without him ever noticing. Hopefully.

I really love this man. I just can't believe he loves me too. It seems too improbable.

xxblake

Adderall... I'm bAck

I emailed my doctor today.
I thought I could do it without the adderall, I thought I could handle school, life, and everything else.

But I can't, well. I can. But I can't get skinny doing it too.

This way I can. This is the focus that I need. No more struggling to do an assignment I can do on adderall in 2 hours, what would normally take me 8...

I can't wait for that fix. I hate myself a little bit for this. I worked so hard to stop this. To get away from this and feel like myself again. But it isn't actually worth it to me anymore.


xxblake

Thigh Gap

 A friend on facebook posted a long rant about how she wanted one.

I've had one. I want it back.

After this IRONMAN I had actually been feeling pretty empowered. I felt really good about what I had accomplished and what I was still capable of doing...

TRIGGER.

Insert her facebook rant. She's never had a thigh gap that cost her. I have. She was just thinner at the time and now she overeats. I worked so hard for mine, I gave up so much. Friends, Grades, my Health. Now I have all of those things and I found out yesterday that I received a 1k scholarship. 

But one facebook post from a girl I don't even respect, invalidates all of that. Because I don't have a thigh gap. But I could get one faster than her.

I'm bouncing between what will facilitate doing another ironman and what will get me skinny fastest.

With a trip to cali starting saturday to see Eli's brother (and his wife), whom happens to just be a wisp of a person that makes me feel like an absolute balloon, the timing really couldn't be worse.

Here come the bad decisions.

xxblake

IRONMAN

I am an IRONMAN!

3.8km Swim, 180km Bike, 42.2km Run.
I have never finished something so difficult in my life.

I am proud of myself, and I'm scared too.

I know that training for this thing has kept me eating normally, because of needing energy to train and without that I don't feel the same control.

I've started training for another one rather than face the fact that I can't eat right if I stop training.

I've managed to convince Eli that another one might actually be a good idea. Only this one is in September... So it's really soon, and it's known to be one of the hardest in north america.

Talk about a lapse in judgement.

stay strong
xxblake