Survival

There comes a moment where you realize you aren't really living. You're simply surviving. Sun-up to Sun-down you pass the time. Do what is expected of you. Clean up after yourself, try not to screw up anything too badly. Stuck in a sort of limbo-land.

Nothing in my life is bad really. Nothing in my life is fantastic. I have health issues I'm beginning to drown in and no doctor can seem to find the root cause of the things that have started to spring up. All I can think of is, does this have something to do with Ana? Is she somehow responsible yet again for things in my life falling apart. I know this isn't likely the root of the current situation. But is my history somehow responsible? Could starving myself mess up my hormones, and my blood, this badly, so far after the fact?

I'm on IV iron 2x per week. I can't walk up stairs without getting dizzy, I have one of the rarest blood deficiencies in the world at levels indicating I recently acquired it (HOW?!), I either have poly-cystic ovaries or adult-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia (the name of which, disagrees with itself). Nothing makes sense, no one knows what is going on. I am at a total loss.

Just. What?

Stitches

...Now I need someone to breathe me back to life Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on ...You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking, falling onto my knees... Just like a moth drawn to a flame Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain Your bitter heart cold to a touch Now I'm gonna reap what I sow I'm left seeing red on my own Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on... Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head Needle and a thread, gonna. wind. up. dead.

-Shawn Mendes, Stitches

Funny, the way a song is talking about whatever we decide it to be?

xxblake

Thoughts on Music

You know how when you hear an older song, you can remember exactly what you were doing when you heard that song?

Maybe it wasn’t the first time you heard the song, maybe it wasn’t even that special of a day. But you can remember it like you’re back in that moment when you hear the song again. There are a whole bunch of theories as to why music is so memorable, why we can remember lyrics over definitions, tunes over research articles.
I’m not a professional, but my theory is pretty simple. My theory is that we can remember music because it resonates so deeply within us that it is impossible to ignore.

Whenever I hear painted black by Vanessa Carlton, I think of a book I was reading in middle school when I listened to that song over and over.

When ever I hear Courage, by Superchick, Paperbag by Fiona Apple, or Me and Mia by Ted Leo...

I begin to sink.

xxblake

Hip Bones.

I'm starting to see them again.

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I didn't realize how relieved I was going to feel.

Be back soon, xxblake

15K Today

I ran 15 kilometers today, it was a 'fun run' St. Patrick's day race with a friend. I feel like my whole body is falling apart. The whole thing hurt... Only 9 miles. In october I ran a marathon with a smile on my face and today I could hardly move the 9.

This. Sucks.
But I must keep on, keeping on. If I suck it up now, I won't have to suck it in later.

You are going to want to quit.

Don't.

xxblake

Depressed?

"Gradually, and then suddenly"
-Ernest Hemingway

That's how this has been. Little things piling up and dampening my spirit, then suddenly I am crying every day and I can hardly pull myself out of bed.

Here I am, not hungry, not wanting to exercise, crying at happy moments and sad moments on TV. I thought I was just having a hard time, but then suddenly it all clicked. This is what it means to be depressed isn't it?

There is still a light at the end of my tunnel, it just has begun to feel like the tunnel is unbearably long and it's hard to imagine making it to the other side. It isn't like I think I won't make it, quite the opposite in fact, I know I will. But in what shape? Will I even be the same person at the other side? Or will this sadness have set in and aged me incomparably.

I've admitted to Eli that I'm having a hard time, but I don't think he fully grasps what that means to me.

I have stopped cooking for him,
I have cut my exercise in half, even the stuff I have always enjoyed.
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings
I can't wait to go to bed at night.
Cleaning feels like too much. Cleaning has always been the stress relief.

So here I am. Not sinking, not floating. Just stagnant.

xxblake

Happy?

Oh life, busy busy.

I'm relatively happy. I mean, I'm in a good place overall. But there is that little nagging voice in my head that keeps creeping back whispering 'fat' over and over, and truthfully I know I am. There is no way around it, I can't just ignore it no matter how much I'd like to. I watch all of my friends with their insane metabolisms do half the work I do and eat twice as much crap and all I do is stay the same while they just shrink  in front of me.

It is a lot harder to be healthy when healthy doesn't get me closer to what I want.

stay strong everyone
xxblake

2015, so it is...

New Years Resolutions:

-Move to downtown to shorten my commute to medical school
-Finish Ironman Whistler at the end of July
-Lose weight...As always
-Start a regular sleep schedule
-Avoid gluten as per doctors orders
-Stick to my training plan, like really stick to it.
-Stop cussing, or at least really trim it down.
-Drink no more than once per week

Back to school on monday, nose to the grindstone.

I'm looking forward to it and hating it.

I'm exhausted, I feel like I never actually got to rest over this winter break and now it's over and I don't have the time anymore.

Here we go again, same thing, different year.

2015.

xxblake

Wow... I'm in medical school.

It's midterms week,
It is kind of interesting how I always find myself here when exams roll around. I get stressed, I get tired, and find myself back here because then I find it easier to cope.

I'm in week 6 of my first term of medical school. Midterm Hell week.

I briefly hopped back on my ADHD meds to help me study for an exam I had yesterday. I took them sunday evening and they kept me up for 43 hours.

But I finally got to sleep last night.

Here's the problem. I wasn't hungry. For 2 days, I wasn't hungry. I still ate because I knew that I needed to and I've been trying to be better about it.

But that feeling of control was back and it felt so fucking good.

I've been trying to be self aware lately and I'm a little worried for myself.

I didn't want to go back on my prescription because I have come to like feeling like myself and I love my heart rate being so much lower. But that familiar high was too good and I am all too tempted to continue attaining it.

It makes me smart AND skinny. How can I say no?

Right... I lose my personality and I didn't want to be sick anymore.


Wait.
I just said "didn't''

Fuck.

xxblake

So much for posting more...

I was really going to try! But this summer has taken quite a crazy turn...

     I got into medical school.

I found out July 14th, two weeks later I was packed up and moved to a new, big city.  Just in time to turn 21. Not that anything cool happened then...

But now, here I am- week 2, day 2. 

It's kind of hard to believe I made it.

There are so many people here that are vegan, vegetarian, or raw food, or only eat organic foods, and whatnot. I'm one of the fat kids here.

It's really hard to try to eat enough here, I mean I am hungry but I'm afraid to eat, afraid of being judged. 

Shit. 

xxblake