Oh life, busy busy.
I'm relatively happy. I mean, I'm in a good place overall. But there is that little nagging voice in my head that keeps creeping back whispering 'fat' over and over, and truthfully I know I am. There is no way around it, I can't just ignore it no matter how much I'd like to. I watch all of my friends with their insane metabolisms do half the work I do and eat twice as much crap and all I do is stay the same while they just shrink in front of me.
It is a lot harder to be healthy when healthy doesn't get me closer to what I want.
stay strong everyone
xxblake
I know what you mean. Just last September I was on this 1200 Cal Diet. It was really working for me. I was exercising almost every day. I accidentally gained weight without even noticing because I was ignoring Ana. I lost five pounds before I knew it. One contributing factor could have been that I was also smoking marijuana which has been proven to aid in weight loss (if you can resist the munchies like i learned to). But once I got back to my original weight, I stopped the diet, and most of my exercises. Then I moved out of state, and had to stop smoking. I lost my motivation to diet and exercise. I've gained weight in the (almost 3) months ive been here. The saddest thing, is i think I actually finally shut her up. I was doing just fine. I was finally free of Ana, until I saw the numbers on the scale slowly rising. Now all I can think of is losing weight. It doesn't help that my (kind of rival) older cousin went Ana and lost like 50 pounds since the last time I saw her. I used to be skinnier than her and now all i can think of is i have to lose weight. So I decided to do the same thing I did last time and stop eating entirely for 2-3 days to get a jump on my diet. It's just so scary because while I want to lose weight, im afraid that maybe if i give in to Ana again, I wont be able to control her this time. And school is so stressful with ten classes it just makes everything worse.
ReplyDeleteIt's like sometimes I feel so hot and I love how my body is now, but then I sit down and see and feel the fat, or i stand in the mirror and stretch my skin out to fit my bones and see how i could look. And the thing is I know how horrible this disorder is. I have hated it my whole life. I hate how shitty I feel when im not eating. I hate seeing all the food i love and knowing that its not worth the weight ill gain. i hate seeing my friends happy and eating whatever the hell they want when im just sitting in a living hell. But it all seems so worth it when i look in the mirror and think about how much i could lose.