The Mask

She wakes up and stares at the mirror,

 wishing for something more to appear. 

Something that people can be proud of, 

Something that people could aspire to. 

Instead all she finds every morning is a coward. 

A girl hiding behind the strength of a mask. 

It gives false courage and false beauty, 


beauty that someone, someday, might fall in love with. 

But what happens when the illusion fades

and she must take off the mask upon slumber? 

She doesn't. 

She doesn't remove the mask, 
and the mask and the master become one.

It forms to every crevice and every imperfection hiding the truth by becoming the truth.

Until the morning comes when she wakes up and stares at the mirror,

 wishing for something more to appear. 

She doesn't use the mask to keep the world out.

 She uses the mask to keep herself in.

xxxblakexxx

I want.

I WANT. TO NOT ADMIT THAT I'M CAPABLE, OF WANTING, OF WEAKNESS.

I looked away

                                                                 Then I look back at you

You try to say 

The things that you can't undo

If I had my way

I'd never get over you

Today's the day

I pray that we make it through

                                                                Make it through the fall 

                                                                Make it through it all

I feel like I'm on the brink. I'm sleeping more, thank god. I didn't eat until late friday night. then again on saturday and on sunday (drinking and birthday). There are these moments where I feel like I'm floating on top of the world. Then others, like these. Where I feel I've plummeted to nothingness. Two midterms today. One tomorrow, homework. Sorority. I'm so terrified I won't make grades. Honestly my biggest fear at the moment. Not my weight. My grades. But this thing in my head. It's making it impossible to focus on anything but how I'm not exercising. How I'm eating shit food. How I hate how I feel. I want to get it together. I want it to be easy, school, not starving. I want Chiara to stop acting strangely, I want to not be so broke. I want to be thin. I want, I want...

And I don't wanna fall to pieces

I don't want to talk about it

                                            And I don't want a conversation

I just want to cry in front of you                                           .

                           I don't want to talk about it...

When I come undone

You bring me back again

Back under the stars

Back into your arms

I want summer back. I want things to stop feeling like they are sliding through my fingers. I want to have time. Maybe just one extra day of weekend per week. Just so I could actually relax or exercise without giving something else up.

I want to stop being so fucked up.

i want a perfect body

i want a perfect soul

I want to not worry the person I care about more than anyone else in the world. 

i want to be in complete control

I want to stop pretending I don't care so hard I start to believe myself.

i would give up anything

I want to excel at everything again.

anything...

I want to be better than me.

for just a taste of the perfect i dream about

I want to stop hiding the mess that I am.

i want the perfect facade, a flawless mask

Things change, but that doesn't mean they get better.

What I've Felt

What I've Known

Never Shined Through in What I've Shown

Never Be, Never See

Never Free, Never Me.

xxxblakexxx

willpower & reasoning

It's pathetic, how pathetic I am.

fat and disgusting yet i just keep eating. and thinking about food. I don't need it, I don't want it.

i just keep thinking, i could be so small right now... if i'd only had some willpower then...

but instead, i'm here, like a fucking balloon. but with a worried boyfriend, my god. he's really worried. and now i have this doctor on me. all because of a stupid cough. i'm kind of confused on what to do. i know i need to make a follow up. but i don't want to. i'm afraid.

blood tests were done when i went to the doctors to find out if i had the flu(i didn't) but what the returned with analysis was really low iron levels (.1 into the normal range, not officially anemic). So the doc decides to analyze my blood stores, because she's concerned. women are recommended to be around 50, my value was 8.3

i'm afraid of what 8.3 means to me

and to my body. probably reason to be afraid, i mean it causes fatigue, blah blah. which helps explain stuff, despite my lack of sleep.

i'm frustrated and lonely. and Eli is worried, but i just don't care. about much of anything, talking to anyone. hanging out with people. i went out with chiara last night. it took me over an hour of holding my drink to drink it. because it had calories. and i hadn't had any yet. jesus. once i finally did, i hung out with her and we really had fun. i haven't enjoyed myself like that in a really long time. we drunk called old friends. walked around for an hour. i ate a banana when i got home. which was somehow disappointing. but it's the only solid thing i've had in two days.

i don't feel anything.
i don't feel lighter.thinner.stronger.

i always feel something by now, and i'm looking for that familiar high, not the exhaustion i have, not the weakness.

but theres nothing but weakness. i want to cave. i want an excuse. but i refuse to let myself go searching for one. no matter how tempting.

has anyone ever done that? found someone you know you'll have to eat with. just for that momentary relief. the 'well i HAVE to eat, otherwise they'll be suspicious'. and then for a moment, it's not your fault, and it's not so awful that you went searching for that situation, just relief that you can tell ana 'hey, i tried. but i had to eat'

i want to do that. but my head won't let me. i know better. better than to break.

xxxblakexxx

Tired.

Sometimes you just need sleep to function. That seems to be the one thing I'm missing. Lack of sleep increases your appetite by a bunch. And all I have is a lack of sleep. I want to eat all the time. My weight is stable, around 137 pounds. I can't complain about it, except for the fact that it could be so much better.

I could be thinner, lighter, better.

But my lack of will, and lack of sleep are making it impossible. I just don't know what to do.

lovelies, help me.
I don't know where my willpower went.

blake

Recruitment week is here...

Sorority recruitment...

It's weird to think I'm a person that actually made it to the other side, instead of just attempting to get in. Here I am, recruiting others. Telling them to 'join the Greek Life Family'

I'm stress eating today. Well, I have been... I'm going to the gym tonight. I am going to try to be there until midnight. But I don't know if it will be as easy as that. I'm so tired already. I can feel this whole thing weighing on me. Things feel complicated. But instead of avoiding food. I'm attempting to find solace in it. 

this is not okay.

I don't like how I feel but for some reason I can't stop. I don't intend to eat much this week. I figure I can be down to 133 or 132 by Saturday (The day my Sorority gets new members = lots of pictures = :{  )

Even in eating too much today and yesterday, it shouldn't be too hard to pretty much avoid all but maybe one meal per day until Saturday.

I need my weight to be down. I REALLY. Need it to be down.

No reason it can't be. No reason at all. I'm getting there. Slow and sure.

xxxblakexxx

When You're Broken

I apologize in advance... I'm just so scattered.

Months and Years, time and talk. Still though, I'm followed by this demon. I just can't escape.

My dark passenger, I've begun to think I enjoy the show Dexter as much as I do because I see the same darkness in his character. Just portrayed differently.

Everything is just as planned, everything just how i need them. How I saw them in my head. I'm getting thinner, running faster, spinning... spinning. More involved within my sorority. But I'm broken.

I'm damaged.

I saw an old friend, J today. She and I talked about horses, well she talked. I listened. It made me realize how much I missed my own horses. I wish I could go back in time, and just spend a little bit more time with them. Maybe not focused on school so much. Just taken that extra time. Just a little bit.

I'll never be the same without horses, they were so much a part of me.

And then, of all things. To see Dick tonight, after all this time. The icing on my fucking cake.

I don't know why seeing him hit me so hard. I don't like him as a person, he wasn't even a great friend. He always made me feel awful about myself, 

     That may be all this is.

So why do I feel so rejected? We didn't even talk.

Like I still have to impress him, gain his approval. Of what?

Regardless, I feel so godawful. I'm not okay.

But I know tomorrow will roll around, like nothing has happened. The world will just keep spinning around me. I'll smile, pretend the world is flowers and cotton candy. I'll go about everything just as a should. Participate in my never-ending act.

But I'm broken. In a million little pieces.

And worse yet.

Knowing I have to pick up all those stupid little pieces. On my own. When I could really use the help.

But I won't be weak. I'm not going to compromise my facade for support. When It's something I know I can power through.

It will just take some determination.

Not Something I Lack

But something I'm very tired of.

I'm sick of trying so hard, and getting so little.

I'm trying, but I can't hold on anymore. I think.

I'm just so broken.

But I hear there's Beauty in the Breaking...

I know I need to believe in myself. I just don't have it. The will. The magic.

No fairy dust can fix this. I'm sure though, Chiara will eventually ask if I'm okay, and I'll lie.

-Like I Should

No one will know what I'm holding back. They can't. A burden too heavy to carry.

It's harder to see pain through a mask. I'll do this. I'll paint it on. A concrete angel. Stone cold emotion. What emotion? 

Exactly.

I'll be an angel for everyone. Everyone but me that is. For me...

 I'll be concrete.

xxxblakexxx

CW 134.8

Till' I Collapse.

First day of school today...

I thought I'd find myself more prepared than this.

But my morning has consisted of breakfast with chiara (50 cal expresso/ sugar free vanilla syrup) and currently I'm trying to work on a liter of blueberry pomegranate flavored sparkling water (0). 

It would be easier... but i'm
so.

dead.

tired.

 But I can do this. Because, sometimes,
'you're tired, you feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up. But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.'

'Till the roof comes off, till the lights go out Till my legs give out, can’t shut my mouth. Till the smoke clears out and my high burns out I'ma rip this shit till my bones collapse.'

I am going to persevere, I will not give up. I will not give in.
 ' Till the day that I drop you'll never say that I'm not killing them'

 I will stay on top of things. I will not let my body get the better of me. I will show it, I will show everyone, my willpower. I will show an immense, And previously unimaginable sense of determination.
I have goals that WILL be accomplished. Putting it off only makes me miserable. And on some level, I deserve to be happy.
 I will earn my happiness.

 Enough is enough...

 Till' I collapse.

 Till' you do too. 

 xxxblakexxx

I can almost see it...

That dream I'm dreaming.
But there's a voice inside my head, saying you'll never reach it.

I'm feeling pretty on top of things. I mean, I ate a whole bunch of things I didn't want to eat today, but my friend needed me to be with her... I know that.

Doesn't make me feel any better about it. But that same friend and I are going for a run in the morning, and then I go to the gym. And much later, I pick Chiara up from the airport with Eli.
I should be so much thinner right now, but even with no control over what I've been eating recently, I'm still sitting at a whopping 140 lbs. Horrible I know. I honestly am surprised it isn't worse. I can not wait for school to start, so I can kick myself into gear. It'll be easier, having to prioritize so seriously... I know it will be good for me though. Thin thin thin. I can almost see it.

This dream,

My god. I'm dreaming. I want it so bad, and I dream so vividly about being beautiful. Yet, it always seems just slightly out of my reach. Always slightly.

I know that won't last forever. I will be under 135 pounds by Halloween. Not a goal really, just a fact. I know it is going to happen. No promises of "if I eat healthier" "if I make it to the gym". I'm going to continue to go to the gym. And I don't have to eat healthier. I just have to eat less. I will, I am.

Sometimes it all feels like invisible changes, but I look back. Everything's different, and getting thin, it looks easier and easier.

One moment, I can't imagine accomplishing everything. The next, I look at everything I've already done.

I've got this under control.

...

I. Have. Control.

So do you.

Take it.

xxxblakexx


PS: Mobile Version Up and Running!!! xoxo

Here I Am

Sitting at my Desk. Photo Editor. In over my head once again...

I can't describe how tired I am. School doesn't even start until Monday and I can barely keep up with what I have. I just want to sleep. I want to exercise. I don't want to eat. Yet, I can't manage to make all of those things happen. I know it will probably be easier once school starts. To avoid food. To keep myself busy. To make my world spin, just a little bit faster.

I think about blogging every day. But right now, I have to keep my priorities straight. As straight as possible anyway. And if I could be working out, I won't be blogging instead. But I will have time soon. Breaks between classes get me some of my best posts.

Please have faith in me. I'm here, I promise.
And I'm working on it, one pound at a time


xxxblakexxx

I think...

I think we cry because there's often no better way to express how we are feeling. But that doesn't leave much leeway for blogging. 

I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.


I'm sorry for the absence. My computer has been getting fixed the last couple weeks, and it hasn't left much room for blogging. Any technology I could have used was always in front of someone.


I promise I'll be back and blogging soon, I move in just two short weeks.
Miss You All.


stay strong, think thin, live ana
xxxblakexxx


CW: 140