Tired...

I put in my notice at my job, I was sick and tired of being treated like a piece of crap. Doesn't matter what I think about myself, I know I am not getting paid enough to tolerate the stuff that was getting thrown at me at work.

That aside, I don't know what has been up with me the past couple of days, I'm tired all day long and then I lay down and can't get to sleep until close to 4am. It's wearing me down pretty quickly, I think I may be anemic again too. Bruises showing up out of nowhere, it's frustrating. At least it's cold though, so I can get away with wearing pants all the time.

Had an extended holiday this weekend, with yesterday off I should have had a bunch of time to relax. But after working both Saturday and Sunday and then working on a paper all day yesterday, I feel like today was the first day of the weekend and with no sleep last night I hardly got to enjoy it. But back to class tomorrow, with another paper to write tonight...

I'm so ready to be done with college.

stay strong
xxblake

I thought it would get easier...

I thought if I just let go and let myself sink that things would get easier. I thought that I could handle everything if I just let go and took what this disorder would throw at me.

But I'm confused...

I thought that I wanted this, I thought that I didn't want health. I thought it was easier to just be sick and sink deep into this. I really thought I could take it. I though I could push past my relationship and my heart to just let my head do what it needed to do to be truly happy. But it isn't working... I know better than this, I am close to finishing a degree in nutrition and being legally able to give people advice on what they eat and how they eat and when they eat and what they do with their bodies. But here I am and I don't 'seem to know what I am doing at all. I don't stand a chance against this, I'm totally powerless and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.... All I want is to be happy and healthy and I want to love every second of my life, just like so many other people are able to do... but I can't, it isn't that simple. I know too much about this disorder and it makes it totally difficult to rationalize even the simplest of therapies because I've already worked around it in my head.

I'm fighting myself every step of the way...

stay strong bitches,
xxxblake

Spiraling down

Barely a week ago I said that I had to take things slowly or I'd spiral again. Safe to say I messed up...

I didn't eat the majority of the day today and I went for a very short run. Just to get outside and moving.

I thought I'd be okay if I just skipped a meal here and there, but next thing I knew I didn't want to touch any food at all. I don't know how this happened. It hasn't been long enough for me to feel like I have no choice in the matter. I thought I'd have more control than this. I mean, I have control. But I don't.

I also don't make any sense.

I have control in the sense that I can avoid food very well at the moment. The control I'm lacking is in my own head. When I know I should eat, I'm having a hard time making myself and it is just so confusing. This has never been the issue, I haven't felt this level of indifference in a couple of years. Since I really sunk the last time... I just sunk so far... I was sick, I know I was.

But there was a certain beauty of it, a certain control and calmness that came with it that made everything in my life okay. Even while nothing was...

In a confusing sort of way I miss that sickness. The control that came with the spiraling loss of control, the reassurance that came with the feeling of bones underneath my clothes. The knowledge that really nothing tasted as good as skinny felt.

I want that back.

stay strong,
xxblake

It's a New Day

Just like every day.

Gave myself a kick in the butt today and finally got out an into the school pool. It's been years but it felt so good to be back in the water. It took some time but by the end of the swim I was feeling a lot more comfortable and confident with moving myself around the water.

I hate the walk back to the locker rooms in just a towel and swimsuit though, I wish that part could be skipped... I wish I didn't look so crappy in my swimsuit, then I guess I wouldn't mind about the walk.

Regardless of that crap though, I swam for almost an hour. I'm tired and a tiny bit sore but I feel really good. I haven't eaten yet today, just some tea. So I'm feeling a little floaty, I missed this feeling. A lot.

I've got a couple of meetings tonight though so I know I'm going to eat then. But the plan is to keep it under control. Eating is fine. To binge is not.

stay strong,
xxblake

Fuck it.

It's just too much work trying to not be fucked up. I don't even care.

Things are just too much to face, there isn't a way around it. I just don't want to fight anymore. It is so much easier to give into my head.

stay strong, stronger than me
xxxblake

Jumbled Thoughts...

I can’t cope right now. I keep telling myself that I’m better and that I don’t need this disorder ruling my life. But I’m not. I’m not better, and I do need it. The control I have when I sink is just too… comforting…

I just feel too good with it. Except I feel horrible, it’s all so mixed up. I’m so messed up

"It’s about time I realized,

That what I put in my mouth

Won’t change the words that come out of it,

That the appearance of rib bones will not make me laugh any louder

Or any more,

That collarbones

And thigh gaps

And cheek bones

And empty stomachs

Will not bring me any closer to success

Intelligence

Friendship

Or even love,

That a piece of cake

Should not have the power

To make me despise myself,

And that

High grades

Crazy nights

Hard-earnt wages

A smile

Should give more pride,

More satisfaction,

Than starving myself ever should,

Or will.

That there is no secret key to finding joy,

Other than realizing

That time is not worth the wasting,

On living a half life."

I know that this is true, I know I should believe it whole-heartedly. But the way I feel when I’m thin is close to impossible to pass up.

       -I want to feel hungry again.

I just don’t want this to destroy my relationship.

Because-

     this relationship, it’s really the best thing to ever happen to me.

xxxblake

And school again...

Classes are back, it's the third day and I'm overwhelmed already. The benefit is that I genuinely enjoy the material that I am learning so I hope that will keep me trucking along this term without burning out. Especially with work and working out and an internship on top of everything I want to keep myself from a crash and burn.

But I feel better when my world is swimmingly busy. I can cope when I don't have that much time to think, can't we all?
It keeps me from sinking into myself.


stay strong, think thin
xxxblake