Houston... We may have a problem.

I think, that my knee is seriously fucked up.

4.45 miles yesterday. I felt great. Then I stopped moving. Almost collapsed. My legs was shaking so bad, I couldn't tell if it was pain or exhaustion. But I have a feeling it was both. And today, I am back in bed, with my leg elevated, wishing I weren't alive.

Why now?

Why couldn't this happen during the school year when I had less time to run anyway. =/

Any thoughts?
I ran with knee braces last night to no avail.
But I put a really stiff one on for just laying in bed today.

I'm so sick of myself.
Be it true or not, I can't help but think that if I weighed less I wouldn't be in so much pain.


xxxblakexxx

any thoughts as to things to try would be GREATLY appreciated. Just comment or email them to me. Thanks lovelies  =]

Dear Anonymous.

First off. Let me welcome you to my blog.


Second, next time you comment, don't do it anonymously.. 


Third. In answer to your 'politely' worded question. "i'm confused....are you trying to become anorexic? because you don't meet the criteria but have you been diagnosed in the past?" Since you seem to not have actually read my blog. I will give you a brief overview.


I'm 'confused' as to why you are asking. I am not trying to 'become anorexic'. Nor do I condone it. My current 'criteria' is EDNOS with Anorexic Tendencies. Since I have to fit into a category apparently. If you read the little about me section on the side of my blog, you'd have seen that it says "I want back in Ana's Arms." So there, without reading a single post. You KNOW, I've been there before. Because I've told you.


Anorexia is categorized as the 'intense fear of gaining weight, or the refusal to maintain a normal body weight.'


The easiest way to explain where I come from in this, is to REPOST an old post of mine....

Jun 23, 2010

Response to a comment

I received a comment from someone last night, that I thought deserved a response. It was a comment from someone that claims to have Anorexia, Associated with that was her reference to the fact that medically you must have under a 17.4 bmi to be considered Anorexic. There was the mention that Anorexia isn't a lifestyle. It is a "disease" or a disorder. Or one of a million labels thrown towards it. She said it seemed I was choosing Ana, not that I genuinely was already there. I guess I can understand that, because she doesn't know any more about me than I have told.

So it's time to elaborate a bit. This isn't my first time with Ana. Although the last time was with an extremely abusive boyfriend. He would tell me I was fat, etc. But that I had the potential to be pretty if I lost weight.... And he told me that If I lost weight he wouldn't have to hit me so much. But it was just because I was so damn fat. Regardless of what people think, that's a lot for a young girl to deal with. And that boy, paired with high school cheerleading, led me down a road that I was unprepared for.

I reached a low weight that year that I'm not ready to reveal yet, but It was low... It put my bmi under 17. And although the numbers 17 and 17.4 aren't far from each other, it makes a different in bmi measurements. Basically, I've been there, I know what I'm getting into, I know it consumes your day, and your thoughts. But now I'm already there, and I just want to write, and tell people about it. People that understand, people that are already there, or have been. Not someone who is going to tell me that I'm not what I say, and that I should just turn away. If it were possible, the simplicity of just turning away, no one would be here. And then it wouldn't be ED. I know that this isn't something that someone should ever choose, but part of it consuming thoughts is the idea that once you've been there, you never really make it back... I gained a lot of weight since that abusive boyfriend. And I hate it.

You get used to the feeling of clothes hanging loosely off of your bones. And then you start gaining, feeling the pull of seams when you stretch as you start to fill out your clothes and then outgrow them. I miss being spindly, I miss feeling like a feather. I do miss things hanging off of me, and my goal is to return there, not to the weight I was at, but closer to that weight than the one I'm at. Honestly, because I know I'll be happier, every time I shed a pound I feel an ounce of relief and I get happier and happier. And no one should think that it's as easy as turning away.

However, if any of you reading this, don't understand the feelings I'm talking about, you haven't been there, and aren't there now. Don't read. This is not to enable you. This is to share my personal thoughts. Please don't misuse it.

Stay strong, think thin, live Ana

xxxblakexxx

There really is no way to rewrite that differently. Those were my feelings then, and they are my feelings now. I don't know what you consider yourself, the anonymous 'anorexic police'?

In the case that you can not read, and someone had forgotten to read that specific post to you, then I ask your interpreter to apologize for my bitchiness. 

In the case that you are perfectly capable of reading, and for some reason have just chosen to ask a question with an obvious answer out of your own neglect. Then I have a few things to say...

#1. READ. From the BEGINNING of a story, to get the WHOLE story.

#2. Refrain from posting comments, that make you look like an imbecile. ( I believe everyone is aware that my weight is too high to be considered anorexic...{ Because I am FAAAT.})

#3. Remember what your mom always said, if you can't comment something nice, then SHUT the FUCK UP.

#4. and lastly, but most certainly not least. If you have any more questions for me, you may feel free to email them to me. However you will have to read my blog to find my email. (it really isn't hard) From this point on, anonymous comments will be deleted. So log in if you want to be an asshole. :)

AND...

#5. Feel special. This whole blog post, was just for you.

blake.

Today I was supposed to run three miles...

But I'm not, because my knee hurts so bad I can hardly stand it.

But I will run 4 miles on sunday no matter what. I have until then to feel better. ice and rest. and situps, lots of situps, and yoga when I can. But jesus. I was just getting better. =[

I'm been kind of eating. I mean, I eat here and there. I wish I wasn't, but its fuel for running. And I burn a lot of calories that way. Plus, increasing my stamina now means I'll run more during school when it's easier for me to eat less... However, if I don't run, I don't eat more than 500 cal.. Which still is a lot. But if I'm not running, it means I hurt. And as much as I hate to admit it, eating fuels healing as much as it does running...

ugh.. fat fat fat

peace out lovelies
I'll update soon.

xxxblakexxx

ps. I want to hear how you all are.

FAT FUCK.

I hate myself.

I'm not eating. I am not going to try any more to make anyone happy. I'm done with the BS. If phillip wants to eat. He can go right ahead. I won't be joining him. I will be in the 130s in a couple of short weeks if I do this right. Now is the time. Enough is enough..

Liquid/Juice/Water (all under 100 cal per day) fast starting.... NOW.

Anyone feel like joining? I'm going to get my gym membership up and running tomorrow. I'm done being the fatass...


I just can't anymore. I'd rather be dead than hate myself this much.

3 miles. Tonight
2 miles tomorrow/plus the gym workout.
3 mile run and strength/stretch plus gymnastics on thursday.
Friday I will be at the gym.
Saturday I will be at the gym
Sunday I will run/jog/walk/move my body 4 miles.
Monday I will run 3 miles.
Tuesday I will be thinner than I am today.

Join me lovelies I could use the motivation... And maybe some healthy/not really competition?

anasarms@hotmail.com
I also have AIM and msn (anasarms)
if you are US and want my number shoot me an email

xxxblakexxx
stay strong(er than me), think thin(ner than me), live ana.

Schools Out For Summer...

Thank God.

I can exercise and diet and do whatever I want really.

Haha except not.
Eli is around. Phillip moved in. I have no privacy. and I feel absolutely ginormous.

In truth I'm at 144.8, well I was last night after i was totally gorged with food. keeping that in mind I'm probably 143? maybe even 142. But I'm not sure and it bugs me... I want it to be in the damn 130s.

Soon. very. fucking. soon.

I have 2 weeks to see it. I know i don't want deadlines. but I have to see that number. enough is enough.

wish me luck.
stay strong.

oh and if anyone has been invited to read twiglegs.blogspot.com you should comment or email me (anasarms@hotmail.com) because I'd like to request an invitation which is slightly hard without being able to find the profile.

xxxblakexxx

Hungry as fuck.

I think this weekend screwed me up. I feel so freaking hungry and it's hard to deal with it around Eli. I can't just do sit-ups or work it off another way. I feel fat. and awful. and I swear I have five pounds of food in me.

I know I haven't gained "real" weight, but I'm bloated and heavy feeling. And it's making it harder to stop.

Just kill me now. I'd been so good.

Finals Week.

BLAAAAAAAAAAH.

See you all at the end.


xxxblakexxx

By the grace of God.

I am still 141.6


I am eating a whole bunch of veggies today. And if I am really lucky, I'll be able to metabolize things at my dads birthday tomorrow.


But for today, raw veggies. And for a special treat if I'm good. I'll get a smoothie =]

stay strong lovelies

I'm going to see the 130s soon. We can do this!

xxxblakexxx

Ended. Up. Eating. :(

So last night I decided to have just one serving of salting crackers. Which is something I should have seen as a bad idea. Since I have issues having 'just one' serving of just about anything.

Then I had a tiny ass serving of a whole bunch of different items.

and a fiber one bar.

It all added about to 640-50 calories. I feel godawful, and my weight is up from yesterday morning, but the same as last night. Which I suppose is a good thing.

141.6lbs

That is what I weigh. Even after eating. I'm fasting again today. At most I get a Jamba Juice low cal smoothie (strawberry nirvana with blueberries instead of bananas in case ya'll were wondering. it's a lower cal low cal smoothie since you get rid of the banana)

That's what I can have for dinner, other than that. It's diet ice teas (5cal per serv) and water as long as I can. (which should be until Sunday with any luck)

I'm kicking myself for giving up the 140.6 I saw yesterday morning for a little bit of food and a whole lot of guilt. But I saw that number, and I WILL get back to it.

(weight ticker updated)

stay strong, think thin, live ana
xxxblakefastingfailurexxx

I  never thought I’d see this number on the scale again. It seems too good to be true. But now that I know it is here. I just want to get into the 130s before I let go of the fast/eat anything. I just want to see the number. It’s been my landmark for a really long time. And if I pass it a bit, I’ll feel better about my dads birthday dinner.

This could really be it. I could be tipping over that plateau. Finally.

But its been a long day, and my weight is up a pound  since I woke up, given, I had more broth so I could be retaining water. But I really hope it’ll be gone tomorrow.  

I need to be successful. 

I’m thinking I’m going to eat tomorrow. Only fruits and vegetables. That way my body will be okay processing things for my dads birthday on sunday.

I don’t know.

I just want to eat. 

It’s been four days. That should be enough right?

Ana is telling me it isn’t and I don’t know what to do, I don’t even think I’m hungry. I just want to feel something. Anything other than liquid in my stomach.

What do I do?

I just want to be thin....

xxxblakexxx

Fasting Day 3, Also a Success!!! :D

I’m feeling really good about myself right now. I’d feel better if I slipped into the 130s I know that for sure. But one can only hope.

If my fast gets me that far it’s going to be hard to want to ever eat.

@Alex- Thank you so much hun! It means a lot that I could be an inspiration to anyone!

@Ana’s Girl & Lili- I love the idea of fruit days, but I’m also afraid if I start eating anything I won’t be able to stop... Much like the vicious cycle I live in.

It seems I’ve been spending so much of my time thinking about how much I want to be in the 130s and not enough time getting there. I’m having a harder and harder time not making a goal out of this fast. But I know it’ll lead to disappointment, because if I screw up on a goal I’m less likely to jump back on the bandwagon. Whereas otherwise I can just ‘start fresh’ and try and pretend it didn’t happen. Instead of calling it a total loss and bingeing my brains out.

‘If I eat anything, I’ll eat everything. So I eat nothing.’ Personal mantra right now. It makes it easier not to cave.

I came close today though, I spent an hour cooking for my sick boyfriend as well as for my study buddy who had missed his dinner.  The mac and cheese with sausage and freshly grated cheese baked in the oven, and the chicken noodle soup for Eli. I wanted them both. SO. BAD.

So I compromised. I took a very fine mesh strainer (thanks go to Darcy for that) and I strained 6oz of broth into a little bowl. Added a little seasoning salt. And gave myself a 20 minute time limit to enjoy it. Ten minutes later, and not even half way through. I felt stuffed and I poured it down the drain. And you know what? 5 calories. I am completely satisfied as well. Hit just the spot I needed.

I was too tired to run as much as I’d planned, but I did get in a good 40 minute walk between classes. Which was okay for today. Today was my weak day. Better to get past the hump and do card tomorrow than kill myself today and cave.

Weight is droppinngggg....

I want to tell you all, but I’m so afraid it’ll go away if i do.

Just poof! the magic is over.

So I’ll tell you yesterdays. My high weight of the day was 144.2LBS, Thats four pounds in a day. =] 

The credit given to my body clearing itself out since I started fasting, but regardless, after this its all real weight. =] =] =]

a bit lower today, a bit lower tomorrow...

and the next day, and the next.

Then I eat with my parents for my Dad’s B-day, Then I fast (I will be allowed two apples total) until Eli’s B-day on friday the 10th. If I am successful in this I MAY just reach my goal  of the 130s =]

This is the idea, not the plan. I don’t make plans. 

Wish me luck!!! This could be really good!!

xxxblakexxx

PS

Sorry for this post being attention deficit. half of it was just to sort out my own thoughts. Thanks for bearing with me!