Dec 3, 2015


My weight hasn't gone down, actually it went up a couple of pounds and then back, but my body has changed. Maybe its muscle, I don't really know. But what I do know is that I have a thigh gap again and all my clothes fit or are too big and I'm strangely okay. I want my weight to go lower, but I don't feel the dread I normally feel. The desperation to get away from my current weight.

Maybe this is all temporary and the stress of finals is just getting to me, but some really good stuff has been happening in my life and I am strangely content. Unexpectedly content.

I'm happy.

I still have issues no doubt, I still see my shrink every week. But right now, I'm feeling like I actually am headed towards my goals, like my future is somehow more attainable. I feel like my brain is starting to work again. Maybe I'm just fucking high or something, maybe my place has a gas leak, who knows. But I want to hang on this feeling.

I mean, I ate pizza last night and woke up with my weight slightly down. I want a life like this, I want to drink hard cider with my friends and not be terrified of every outing that involves food. I want to enjoy an anniversary dinner because it is the celebration of a wonderful loving relationship, rather than feel resentment that I have to eat at it. I want recovery feelings but not recovery weight.

I want both. I want that to be possible. I know it probably isn't but for now I'll keep a tight grasp on these feelings of mine and hope that they stick around.

stay strong, hold on through the holiday season


  1. YAY FOR LOSING!!!! I can't wait to be your weight, hopefully soon!! Xo

  2. Congratulations on getting smaller! I know how you feel about the weight. My husband cleaned the bathroom a week and a half ago and put the scale somewhere that I didn't know where it was. I didn't want to look for it because I knew it would be best if I waited some time before weighing myself. I waited until my clothes were noticeably looser to hunt it down and then weigh myself and I was so discouraged that I had GAINED half a pound. Awful. BUT I have been trying to focus on the fact that I am smaller, even if I haven't dropped any more weight, it WILL come off.