Dec 18, 2015

Vacation with Eli's Family

We arrived last night, a beautiful rental house in the snowy mountains here for an early Christmas. Family events are always stressful. I mean everything is food centric. But I'm trying really hard to be calm about it because I don't want to stress Eli out around his family. But he's being kind of a jerk. 

I got up early this morning and showered and did my hair so I'd be ready to go whenever it was time. Not everyone else was up yet and I have sat around for the past two hours waiting and playing around on my tablet. Now Eli seems to be frustrated with me for playing games on it because he wanted to go out and do things. Hello?! Say something.

I've been up and ready to go since before you were even out of bed. You don't get to be mad at me since you never opened your mouth. 

Whatever though. Stressing is good for the appetite.

1/3 banana 30
Half a cup of black tea 0
Blackberry Chia Squeeze 65

We will see what the day brings.

Stay strong lovelies. They can't make me eat.

Dec 15, 2015

Pros & Cons

Why does my current weight feel like too much?
Because I'm fat and jell-o like
My back bulges, my thighs aren't good shape anymore
My arms are enormous and soft, like the michelin man
My face is so round
The only thing that is right is that my clothes go on.
Because I want to be fragile

Weight range I could agree to. 125-135

Pros and cons of losing weight
Look better
Feel better
Fit all my clothes
Can be in photos
Don't have to stress over how I look
Don't want to cry when I look in the mirror
More active
Compliments are nice
IRONMAN training?
Brett thinks I'm more attractive
Look better in a spandex tri suit
Not the 'fat girl' on the team
My rings fit better
The scale doesn't confuse Eli and I
I can borrow clothes from friends
My mom even compliments me
No overheating
Meal planning efficiency
Saves money
Dont look like a slob with no self control
Going clothes shopping isn't terrifying
No love handles
Uh Cheekbones
Collarbones for days
You are what you eat
Eli can carry me without straining
Feel clean
No fat rolls when I sit
I feel high when the weight drops on the scale

Obsess over food
Can't eat out with friends/or it takes forever to choose food
Stress Eli out
Miserable at plateaus 
Lying to Eli about what I eat
My stupid rib becomes more obvious
Apparently people feel entitled to comment at family gatherings
Cold. So cold.
More time at the gym
Dumb ridges in my nails
Hair kind of falls out

Cons of me being myself
Can't go to the grocery store like a goddamn adult

So much of this started with my ex. He gave me my first rubber band. Just snap yourself when you're hungry.


Dec 12, 2015

Shrinks and shrinking.

I haven't lost any weight still. Final exams. I haven't been to the gym in over two weeks but I'm writing this and then heading out the door to go workout. The weather has been terrible so I haven't even been active outside or anything. There have been flood warnings, etc.

I'm pretty happy that my weight is stable. It didn't seem like it would be possible to maintain with how sedentary I have been but it is.

My shrink asked me about my goal weight at our appointment last week. I told him I didn't really have one... Lies. Then he pushed me and asked what I thought a good number was. I said 125. Lies. He told me that wasn't enough for my build. Then he told me I need to establish a weight range. Something that I think I can feel comfortable in so that I don't have compensatory behaviors when I'm within it I guess. Thing is. I can't imagine a weight range I'd be comfortable in because I'm not comfortable in my body. But I'm thinking 125-135 would be a good number to tell him because I know he'll check it against the BMI charts and whatnot.

He also told me to make a list of pros and cons of losing weight. Like there are cons.

I had Eli make one and I have to take them into my shrink on tuesday. Along with a weight range that I can agree to. 

What happens if I drop below that? Still a long way off especially since my weight loss has seriously slowed down. But I don't know. It worries me to agree to anything. Because I don't know what happens if I don't keep my word.

here goes

Dec 3, 2015


My weight hasn't gone down, actually it went up a couple of pounds and then back, but my body has changed. Maybe its muscle, I don't really know. But what I do know is that I have a thigh gap again and all my clothes fit or are too big and I'm strangely okay. I want my weight to go lower, but I don't feel the dread I normally feel. The desperation to get away from my current weight.

Maybe this is all temporary and the stress of finals is just getting to me, but some really good stuff has been happening in my life and I am strangely content. Unexpectedly content.

I'm happy.

I still have issues no doubt, I still see my shrink every week. But right now, I'm feeling like I actually am headed towards my goals, like my future is somehow more attainable. I feel like my brain is starting to work again. Maybe I'm just fucking high or something, maybe my place has a gas leak, who knows. But I want to hang on this feeling.

I mean, I ate pizza last night and woke up with my weight slightly down. I want a life like this, I want to drink hard cider with my friends and not be terrified of every outing that involves food. I want to enjoy an anniversary dinner because it is the celebration of a wonderful loving relationship, rather than feel resentment that I have to eat at it. I want recovery feelings but not recovery weight.

I want both. I want that to be possible. I know it probably isn't but for now I'll keep a tight grasp on these feelings of mine and hope that they stick around.

stay strong, hold on through the holiday season