Jan 17, 2014

I thought it would get easier...

I thought if I just let go and let myself sink that things would get easier. I thought that I could handle everything if I just let go and took what this disorder would throw at me.

But I'm confused...

I thought that I wanted this, I thought that I didn't want health. I thought it was easier to just be sick and sink deep into this. I really thought I could take it. I though I could push past my relationship and my heart to just let my head do what it needed to do to be truly happy. But it isn't working... I know better than this, I am close to finishing a degree in nutrition and being legally able to give people advice on what they eat and how they eat and when they eat and what they do with their bodies. But here I am and I don't 'seem to know what I am doing at all. I don't stand a chance against this, I'm totally powerless and I'm stuck. I don't know what to do.... All I want is to be happy and healthy and I want to love every second of my life, just like so many other people are able to do... but I can't, it isn't that simple. I know too much about this disorder and it makes it totally difficult to rationalize even the simplest of therapies because I've already worked around it in my head.

I'm fighting myself every step of the way...

stay strong bitches,

1 comment:

  1. I feel your pain! I haven't made my peace with food or my eating habits [binge eater] yet I have a degree in nutrition and people look to me for advice. I comfort myself thinking about the numerous very overweight dietitians I've worked with, reasoning that they must also struggle with food since they don't control their own intake.