Finals Week Returns...

I just can't. I'm so tired.

IV Iron

IV iron 1-2x per week. This is my last one for a bit. The sick part of my wonders that if I'm getting iron injected I don't really need to worry about getting it in my food do I? and if it drops again, they'll just put me back on IV no questions asked.

No one would know.

I just have to keep it together through the Ironman in Canada at the end of July. I can't sink until after that race. I've worked way too hard for this just to get sick and not be able to do it.

I've just got to shut the voice out for a little bit longer...


stay strong
xxblake

On fasting...

I miss it. So. Much.

I miss feeling weightless and pure. Instead here I am eating all the time. Even while I exercise. In the name of recovery, in the name of fueling. I'm tired of having to eat all the time. I'm not gaining weight. I'm not losing weight. In all reality I know this is the most stable my weight has been in almost a decade.

Wow.

To measure parts of my life in decades. When only a couple of years ago I measured by hours that were barely creeping by. Calories that added up way too fast.

Here I am planning a wedding with the man I love.

In medical school.

Training for an endurance event I never thought I'd be capable of.

But I'm sinking.
I'm beginning to have those thoughts, the trading thoughts. The voice of ana. The bargaining.

"Well... I'd rather not be able to run as far if I could be thin"

"I wouldn't mind not being able to do triathlons if I looked like those other girls"

"I would give up running if my thighs didn't touch"

Here is the thing though... I've had all of those things, I've looked like the other girls, I was really, really thin, and my thighs were nowhere near touching. And I had to give up all of those things, I couldn't run at all. I could barely walk to class. Doing a triathlon never would have been an option.

So here I am. So much conflict.

stay strong lovelies

xxblake

If wishes were fishes...

I used to wish to be thin...
Thin, beautiful and frail.

No. Matter. What.

I would be perfect.

I wished and I wished, but no one seemed to hear me.

Even when I became so small...

Still empty inside. Sometimes I wished for the pain to end. For the hunger to kill me from the inside out.

Now I wish for life, for happiness and peace.

I want to accept my curves and flaws just as they are. 

I want to be healthy as long as I live. And I want to thank God that no one listed to my first wish.

But I can't.

I'm confused and it confuses me.

stay strong. and keep on keeping on. whatever it is you're keeping-on on.
xxxblake

Survival

There comes a moment where you realize you aren't really living. You're simply surviving. Sun-up to Sun-down you pass the time. Do what is expected of you. Clean up after yourself, try not to screw up anything too badly. Stuck in a sort of limbo-land.

Nothing in my life is bad really. Nothing in my life is fantastic. I have health issues I'm beginning to drown in and no doctor can seem to find the root cause of the things that have started to spring up. All I can think of is, does this have something to do with Ana? Is she somehow responsible yet again for things in my life falling apart. I know this isn't likely the root of the current situation. But is my history somehow responsible? Could starving myself mess up my hormones, and my blood, this badly, so far after the fact?

I'm on IV iron 2x per week. I can't walk up stairs without getting dizzy, I have one of the rarest blood deficiencies in the world at levels indicating I recently acquired it (HOW?!), I either have poly-cystic ovaries or adult-onset congenital adrenal hyperplasia (the name of which, disagrees with itself). Nothing makes sense, no one knows what is going on. I am at a total loss.

Just. What?

Stitches

...Now I need someone to breathe me back to life Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on ...You watch me bleed until I can't breathe I'm shaking, falling onto my knees... Just like a moth drawn to a flame Oh, you lured me in, I couldn't sense the pain Your bitter heart cold to a touch Now I'm gonna reap what I sow I'm left seeing red on my own Got a feeling that I'm going under But I know that I'll make it out alive If I quit calling you my lover Move on... Needle and a thread, gotta get you out of my head Needle and a thread, gonna. wind. up. dead.

-Shawn Mendes, Stitches

Funny, the way a song is talking about whatever we decide it to be?

xxblake

Thoughts on Music

You know how when you hear an older song, you can remember exactly what you were doing when you heard that song?

Maybe it wasn’t the first time you heard the song, maybe it wasn’t even that special of a day. But you can remember it like you’re back in that moment when you hear the song again. There are a whole bunch of theories as to why music is so memorable, why we can remember lyrics over definitions, tunes over research articles.
I’m not a professional, but my theory is pretty simple. My theory is that we can remember music because it resonates so deeply within us that it is impossible to ignore.

Whenever I hear painted black by Vanessa Carlton, I think of a book I was reading in middle school when I listened to that song over and over.

When ever I hear Courage, by Superchick, Paperbag by Fiona Apple, or Me and Mia by Ted Leo...

I begin to sink.

xxblake

Hip Bones.

I'm starting to see them again.

tumblr img

I didn't realize how relieved I was going to feel.

Be back soon, xxblake

15K Today

I ran 15 kilometers today, it was a 'fun run' St. Patrick's day race with a friend. I feel like my whole body is falling apart. The whole thing hurt... Only 9 miles. In october I ran a marathon with a smile on my face and today I could hardly move the 9.

This. Sucks.
But I must keep on, keeping on. If I suck it up now, I won't have to suck it in later.

You are going to want to quit.

Don't.

xxblake

Depressed?

"Gradually, and then suddenly"
-Ernest Hemingway

That's how this has been. Little things piling up and dampening my spirit, then suddenly I am crying every day and I can hardly pull myself out of bed.

Here I am, not hungry, not wanting to exercise, crying at happy moments and sad moments on TV. I thought I was just having a hard time, but then suddenly it all clicked. This is what it means to be depressed isn't it?

There is still a light at the end of my tunnel, it just has begun to feel like the tunnel is unbearably long and it's hard to imagine making it to the other side. It isn't like I think I won't make it, quite the opposite in fact, I know I will. But in what shape? Will I even be the same person at the other side? Or will this sadness have set in and aged me incomparably.

I've admitted to Eli that I'm having a hard time, but I don't think he fully grasps what that means to me.

I have stopped cooking for him,
I have cut my exercise in half, even the stuff I have always enjoyed.
I can hardly drag myself out of bed in the mornings
I can't wait to go to bed at night.
Cleaning feels like too much. Cleaning has always been the stress relief.

So here I am. Not sinking, not floating. Just stagnant.

xxblake