One more day!

A little post is better than none at all, right now I'm struggling to get through finals. I've got two done, and two to go (one of those is in 2 hours). Then my winter 'break' starts. Which will consist of me working 42 hours between this Thursday and next Monday; this wreaks havoc on my diet, but I'm on my feet almost constantly which helps quite a bit.

I've been working on my New Year's Resolutions, one of which is to post more often, so I figured I'd get a head start. I'll share my list closer to January when I've got it all figured out. One of my goals it to complete a sprint triathlon which I imagine will be one of the hardest things I've ever done. It starts off with a short swim, then around  a 20 mile bike ride, and then a 5k run all back-to-back.

I think that completing it however would be a great experience and a huge accomplishment. If nothing else it should be great for my weight.

Another new thing I forgot to mention (well not super new), is that I am interning at a place that treats eating disorders. I work with an RD and she gives me diet analysis to do on patients and I offer recommendations on what they should be consuming vs what they are. It is a super interesting internship but I feel like a huge hypocrite whenever I offer dietary recommendations, because half the time doing their diet analysis has given me new ideas.

It's a weird situation to be in. It has always been easier for me to offer advice than to take it and this falls right along those lines.
I'm trying to focus on health, but not even 2 years ago I was at the lowest weight I had been in years... I want back there, but I want to do it in a way that makes it stick. I know that way is by slow accomplishment, but I am an instant-gratification type of person. I want to see results, now, now, now. Waiting is not in my style, however neither is repeating the same damn thing.

So I'm at a crossroad.

As much as I hate to admit it, I'm 5'8 and 150lbs. There. I said it.
Now I have to do something about it.

I'm going to make myself do this slowly, so it lasts, so no one notices, so I don't get stuck like this again. I either watch every morsel or I try my hardest to ignore everything I consume. Which isn't healthy either way. I need to find a middle balance, at least while losing weight is semi-easy. A balance where I don't ignore the bad stuff I want to eat, but I don't limit the good stuff. The kind of balance where I can eat as many apples and as much salad as I want.

I'm going to start focusing on my diet, exercise, and measurements. That way, when I kiss 150 and 149 and 145 goodbye, I'll never see them again.

Deep breaths and reasonable thoughts; I can't sink into this too fast or I'll just spiral again.

Tonight I study for my last final, tomorrow I kick my ass out the door for some exercise. But I start watching what I eat again now.

Sorry for the rambles.

xxx
Blake

Almost a year...

I can't believe it's been that long. I remember a time I couldn't go more than a couple of days without feeling like I had to post something.  

 

A lot has changed in the last year, The nightmares are gone for the most part, just the occasional one now. Eli and I are engaged. I've only got two terms of college left. I work at a rehab center for teenagers. My weight is up. My head is clearer. Sometimes. 

 

Only sometimes. 

 

I want to promise Eli that I have it all together now. But my thought have turned to wedding dresses since he proposed back in July; how I'd look in a wedding dress right now.  

 

I declared a degree in nutrition last year, and I've learned I'm actually really good at that kind of stuff. I've learned so much about health and food and weight loss, and metabolisms. It definitely has changed my perspective a little bit. I mean, my knowledge has changed but my head is still pretty messed up. It has helped me realize how just refusing to eat made everything harder on myself. I just slowed my body down. And really, I knew that. I mean we all know we aren't functional when we don't eat for a while. At first, you're strong and light and willful... But after a while, we're just tired. There's no way around it, I used to believe there was, more caffeine, more thinspo, more self-hate, more will. But I've been so tired for so long now, years really. I have been content with running myself into the ground in search of perfect.  The wrong kind of perfect. 

 

I'm not saying that my version of perfect doesn't still include a fairy-thin picture of myself. But for me perfect includes productivity as well and in truth I can't be that when I'm starving- Adderall only works for so long before I'm just burnt. I still want to be so so skinny. But I know that I have to get there differently now, I know it still won't be healthily motivated but in its own right it will be better, brighter, even. 

 

I started this post because I wanted to paint a clear picture for everyone of where this blog is going. I haven't been sure, but I thought sitting down and writing it out would give me clarity. It hasn't really. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. My fight with this isn't over, it's almost just been on hold I think. I wish I could offer more, but in a weird way I like that this thing doesn't have such a firm grip on me. I'm not going to be able to say where I take this blog for sure. But what I can say is: 

 

This blog isn't going away, 

I'm not going away, 

I'm going to try to post more often

 

I'm going to lose weight

 

I'm going to eat better (eating healthier)

I'm going to make it stick this time. 

 

I know you will too. 

 

Blake

xxx

Nightmares

They have returned. Perhaps just a symbol of my returning feelings of inadequacy, Eli either leaves me, or I get sent to fat camp, or to the hospital. Even my subconcious can't make up its mind.

I just want them to stop before school starts on monday. I can't start all my new classes on no sleep. I can hardly function that way anymore.

I hope all of you are well.

xxx
blake

I'm a good girl with a lot of bad habits...

I need to start running again, my roommates and I were hitting the gym a few times a week. But their motivation died off, I can tell. We never go anymore. I'm afraid my weight will start creeping up. My scale was fixed. And now is 100 percent broken. So I have no idea what I weigh. I just know it is too much and I hate myself.

All of myself.

How can Eli love me when I despise myself this much?
hope all ya'll had a good thanksgiving.

xxxblakexxx

130s is wishful thinking...

So not gonna happen by tomorrow, but I did get to hit up the gym today. It felt good, I know it's time to  start making it a habit again... If I do that, I'll start tanning again when I get to the 130s nothing like stripping naked a couple times a week to encourage you to lose weight...

hope your halloween doesn't have too many sweet things...

xxxblakexxx

142.2

Getting there,
130s by halloween. Hopefully 138, but I'd be happy if it were 139.9 just so I can see those numbers again.

Went biking today. Swear to god I almost died. There were rocks, and it was uphill, and then downhill, and I couldn't stop. And yeah, think I'm gonna stick to running haha.

Stay strong lovelies.

You can do this =]

so can I!
xxxblakexxx

145.0

Not great by any means, but 2 pounds more than I had expected. If only I could keep it going at this rate... I know I can't, but god damn. I feel that high again. I know it's back, I've sunk.

And all I want to do is keep on sinking. :)

Keep on shrinking, yeah.

xxxblakexxx

GROSS!!!

So apparently my scale was broken... Which means I have been gaining weight without knowing it. I actually weigh 150.8lbs WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I don't know how. I feel so fat. And lazy. This will change. I won't let it be me. I will be thin again. 147 by friday. It can't be that hard.

It's just the same as before. Only I'm a little more desperate now.

xxxblakexxx

And So it Begins... Again

After something resembling a summer vacation, school is here again... I'd like to say I'm excited. That I'm really looking forward to this year. But I can't say that I am honestly. I mean, here I am, looking at my last year of my undergrad. And there is no excitement. None at all. I have the potential to do really well, if only I avoid letting my head get in the way. But secretly, I know it will again. It always does. It's just a matter of how well I can hide it this time around. I've spent months trying to be 'better' whatever that means. But I'm not better. I don't want to be better. I want to be thin.

I'm ashamed of myself. A year ago november, I was at a low weight. 128 pounds. And here I am ballooned to 143.

Somethings gotta give. Guess it's gonna be me. 

I can weigh 141 by Sunday night. I can. I will. 

Watch me.

stay strong, think thin 

xxxblakexxx

I was doing better.

But I'm slipping. I know that much. I'll be back soon lovelies. Unfortunately, I may never leave again. Xxxblake