145.0

Not great by any means, but 2 pounds more than I had expected. If only I could keep it going at this rate... I know I can't, but god damn. I feel that high again. I know it's back, I've sunk.

And all I want to do is keep on sinking. :)

Keep on shrinking, yeah.

xxxblakexxx

GROSS!!!

So apparently my scale was broken... Which means I have been gaining weight without knowing it. I actually weigh 150.8lbs WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I don't know how. I feel so fat. And lazy. This will change. I won't let it be me. I will be thin again. 147 by friday. It can't be that hard.

It's just the same as before. Only I'm a little more desperate now.

xxxblakexxx

And So it Begins... Again

After something resembling a summer vacation, school is here again... I'd like to say I'm excited. That I'm really looking forward to this year. But I can't say that I am honestly. I mean, here I am, looking at my last year of my undergrad. And there is no excitement. None at all. I have the potential to do really well, if only I avoid letting my head get in the way. But secretly, I know it will again. It always does. It's just a matter of how well I can hide it this time around. I've spent months trying to be 'better' whatever that means. But I'm not better. I don't want to be better. I want to be thin.

I'm ashamed of myself. A year ago november, I was at a low weight. 128 pounds. And here I am ballooned to 143.

Somethings gotta give. Guess it's gonna be me. 

I can weigh 141 by Sunday night. I can. I will. 

Watch me.

stay strong, think thin 

xxxblakexxx

I was doing better.

But I'm slipping. I know that much. I'll be back soon lovelies. Unfortunately, I may never leave again. Xxxblake

Do you ever stop and think: Wow, what if?

What if this hadn't happen to me? What if I could just eat when I was hungry, and stop when I was full. What if dessert was just good food. Instead of number and calories and fat. So. much. fat.

What if when I smiled, It was for real.

What if I didn't relish being alone just because it meant I didn't have to eat.

What if I could just be happy. Really, truly, happy.

What if you could too?

xxxBlakexxx

Stay Strong.

Half Marathon, For the Lose...

I thought I would be so proud of myself. I ran my first half marathon yesterday. But I can only think about how much faster I should have been, and could have been. If I just weighed less. Living with Eli and his roommate has blown me up to a hefty 143lbs. I'm disgusting.

My time was 2 hours and 27 minutes.
It should have been 1 hour and 46.

45 minutes too fat.

I'm so humiliated. I ran it with Eli, and the instructor asked him to time himself during the summer and let her know what it was. Even she knew he would have been faster without me. How fucking pathetic is that. I'm sitting in a chair to write this, and all I can feel is my fucking fat rolls. I wish I were dead. Better than living in this body of mine.

Stay Strong

I am so stressed. Everything is just falling apart. I want to cut. I want to scream and starve and slam my head into a wall. But I have no time to throw a fit.

Stay strong ladies.
Stay strong for me.
xxxblakexxx

Fast with Me?

This has been a fatass weekend. I mean, up until last night It wasn't too bad. But I effed it over. My puppy was up sick half the night and I kept finding myself in the kitchen. Ugh

Its okay though (not really), tomorrow I fast, then I only eat with my parents on tuesday night, and then I fast on wednesday.

I'll feel light again. I can't wait until I am light.

xxxblakexxx

New House.

It's beautiful.

and I'm fat.

I don't deserve to be here.. Fuck my life.

But I finally feel at home. Two more years until I move again.

Oh,

and I have space to exercise without being bothered, as well as a fenced back yard.
FUCK. YES.

this girl is just phenomenal to me. fucking thinspo

xxxblakexxx

Why you no like?

My fingers are purple. It's almost 70 degrees outside and I'm curled up in a hoodie and jeans. Eli looks at me like I'm nuts. I'm not sure this should come as any surprise to him.

I'm drowning in mass amounts of homework. And I'm moving tomorrow/all this week. I'm excited about the place. It's an actual house, and I won't have to move for two more years. But I'm so damn tired!

And hungry
kind of.

I mean, I had went for a run and then had a little bit of pineapple and blueberries (70cal) and now I'm working on a cherry coke zero. But there is this damn cliff bar taunting me. I have class until 9pm tonight so I know I'll need it at some point just to stay focused. But if I eat it, then I lose control... And I don't want to lose control.

I've ballooned up to 139.2 lbs and I hate it. I have a billion goals, but the current focus is my sororities house dance at the end of next week. I will be down to 135 by then. I'm determined.

Then my weight will lower... I'm not sure how fast it'll happen. But it will.

Keep focused on your goals. They aren't out of reach.





 xxxblakexxx