New House.

It's beautiful.

and I'm fat.

I don't deserve to be here.. Fuck my life.

But I finally feel at home. Two more years until I move again.

Oh,

and I have space to exercise without being bothered, as well as a fenced back yard.
FUCK. YES.

this girl is just phenomenal to me. fucking thinspo

xxxblakexxx

Why you no like?

My fingers are purple. It's almost 70 degrees outside and I'm curled up in a hoodie and jeans. Eli looks at me like I'm nuts. I'm not sure this should come as any surprise to him.

I'm drowning in mass amounts of homework. And I'm moving tomorrow/all this week. I'm excited about the place. It's an actual house, and I won't have to move for two more years. But I'm so damn tired!

And hungry
kind of.

I mean, I had went for a run and then had a little bit of pineapple and blueberries (70cal) and now I'm working on a cherry coke zero. But there is this damn cliff bar taunting me. I have class until 9pm tonight so I know I'll need it at some point just to stay focused. But if I eat it, then I lose control... And I don't want to lose control.

I've ballooned up to 139.2 lbs and I hate it. I have a billion goals, but the current focus is my sororities house dance at the end of next week. I will be down to 135 by then. I'm determined.

Then my weight will lower... I'm not sure how fast it'll happen. But it will.

Keep focused on your goals. They aren't out of reach.





 xxxblakexxx

Close, but No Cigar.

Thank god.
I came so close to opening up to a friend of mine last night. He seemed like he genuinely cared. Brought up a couple of things about my weight, mentioned that he really liked me when I looked healthy freshman year of uni. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to talk to him.

The good news is,
I didn't.

I convinced myself that if right now felt good. So would another time. I'm glad I did. Because by the end of the night he showed me what an immature boy he still is. I can tell he still likes me too. But he came very close to crossing the line with me and that just pissed me off. He knows I have a boyfriend, and he said he respects that even though it bums him out. But there is just something about the way he acted last night...

It was subtle, but it wasn't right and I didn't like it.

Felt like I was being hit on.

And that makes my skin crawl.




I don't know what it is about the possibility of being attractive to someone that freaks me out... I mean, Eli thinks I'm attractive. I KNOW that (I don't know why, but...) It just makes me sick, and nervous.

Eli actually asks if he can take my shirt off when we have sex. He asks if I'd be too cold without it, I nearly always say yes but we both know it's not about the temperature. I know its pathetic, my boyfriend asks to take my shirt off like he's asking someone to 'please pass the butter'. I mean, this is sex for chrissake!

I feel like pounding my head against a wall. I won't though, no time for that.
I'm just frustrated with life and myself, and I'm scared of the future even though it will all work out.

I'm scared of everything, because that's who I am, and who I'll always be.

 xxxblakexxx

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Or Cinco de Drinko... ;)

As with any holiday that surrounds food (all of them) this is an especially difficult day. But to all you who do consume adult beverages, just remember that for every serving of chips and salsa you don't have, it's another drink you do have. And I'd much rather be drunk personally. I'm off to do a shitton of homework, I have a massive lab report due on monday. But have a great weekend lovelies!!!


Be safe and think skinny!!!!

Busy busy...

School is absolutely killer, but the good news is I'm running more, faster, and for longer. I got a promotion that will make me editor-in-chief of the yearbook next year. It will also keep me more busy than is healthy. Which is perfect. 

I promise I haven't forgotten about blogger. I think about blogging every day. I just struggle to make time when I know Eli will be looking over my shoulder. I don't have a desk or anything. I do all my homework at the kitchen table. Which is fine, but it doesn't give me any privacy for anything like this. I am looking at apps for my ipad, or some sort of integration with safari or mail so that I can post without getting on the website... Because that is what Eli recognizes. Seeing me type a whole bunch is nothing special. It's just where I type it.

But I have a couple of ideas. =]

So we'll see.

soon.

xxxblakexxx

Thinspo with Pets

I was feeling inspired with the coming puppy and all... So here is some thinspiration for everyone =]

xxxblakexxx

PUPPY!!!

I get to pick him up monday from the airport!!!

His name is Wi-Fi
and he is the most precious thing ever!!!

 He is a purebred italian greyhound, and he is going to keep me sane. I am so in love with him already! And plus, the breed can run up to 25mph when they are full grown ;)

I'm happy right now. I'm also floaty. I haven't eaten at all today, but I'm drinking with some friends tonight so I'm sure it'll make up for it. =[

I start training for a half marathon on monday, it's a class on campus, so I'll be very motivated to keep up with it. As I'm paying for it... I also meet Eli's Sister in Law this coming weekend, and she's a doctor, and a recovered anorexic. So I'm actually fairly nervous about meeting her. I hear we're a lot alike. Hah.  I just hope she doesn't see anything in me that reminds her of herself. Because I don't want to raise any eyebrows.

We'll see. Meanwhile, I'll focus on the puppy!!!!!!!!!!

xxxblakexxx

I MISSED YOU ALL!!!

LOVELIES!

Life has been SO crazy! I am now living full time with Eli and his roomie.
I am getting an Italian Greyhound Puppy soon!
My grades are good!
And I am fat.
Really.... I don't even know how much I weigh.. I just know that my normal pants don't fit quite right anymore....

However, I am taking a half marathon training class with Eli this coming term (it's spring break now) and I should drop some weight.

I've started tanning, which is hell weird (by this I mean I went tanning, once, day before yesterday). I will be darker though, and it forces me to stand naked in a booth. I hate being naked. So it's fabulous motivation to get back on the skinny train. I don't know what all happened... I think between classes, and moving, and life. My ultimate happiness kind of fell by the wayside. But not anymore. =] Thank god.

I'm going to get on top of this. I'm going to be happy.

I know this is a shit post. But they'll all start getting better. My posts always get better once I'm back in the groove. I decided I should stop waiting for something epic to write, and just write...

Love you all.

Can't wait to hear from you!

xxxblakexxx
yesterday, I said tomorrow. In case tomorrow never comes, I'm starting today.