17 hours...

It's how long i've been up... i'm just so tired. my parents came to visit today, we went out for dinner. i managed to stay under 600 cal for the whole day though, which is usually hard around them. but i'm proud of myself.

i'm going to go snowboarding with Eli tomorrow, so i'll have to eat more. but its also really physical so i should come out about even, looking at burning around 1000 cal.

i'll try and work on the page some more and get more up soon. i've been busier than i planned and it's gonna stay that way till tuesday or wednesday night at this point. but i'll try and get some snippets up.

haven't lost as quickly as i'd been hoping to. i have ten more pounds to go by next monday to reach my spring break goal, and i dont know if it's going to happen, but i'm also going to try to liquid fast as soon as eli goes home again, and if i can squeeze in some exercise.. or even walking. that should help.

he'll be back in my room soon, so i gtg.

stay strong lovelies.

i'll be back soon

xxxblakexxx

Yuck...

I absolutely hate the dentist. With a horrific passion. Part of it may be fear but I've just never had a really good experience that involved a dentist. And that drill. Ugh.

Yet here I am. In that awful chair. Someone please just kill me.
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AHHHH!!!

My term is finally OVER!!!!!!

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Only 12 More Hours...

In 12 hours, with all luck, I'll be leaving my last final.

In 12 hours, Eli will be on the coast and I'll be empty and losing

In 12 hours, I'll start mapping out my spring break

In 12 hours, I won't have any homework

In 12 hours, I will be starting fresh

In 12 hours, I will be free

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Hello Lovelies! The blog is still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

I hope St. Patrick's day is good for all of you! and I hope you manage to avoid all the gross cookies and cupcakes that accompany the day...

Remember, we haven't come this far to be beaten by a cookie!

Much love to all of you! i'll update for real soon!

xxxblakexxx

Here's some green inspired thinspo to start your day off =]

Site Under Construction

I'm working on making this site a bit brighter, with more info.

So stick with me everyone as it's going to take a bit.

I know my bookshelf page is a bit messed up right now, but I'm gonna work on it when I'm done studying.

Please email me with any ideas you have !!!!

anasarms@hotmail.com

xxxblakexxx

Finals Week

Finals week holds an infinite amount of stress for me as well as a million other college students all over the world. The stress of sitting exams, the likelihood of passing nothing. Having to apply for an appointed office at Kappa Delta(Sorority). Trying to figure out where I'm going to be living next year. Trying to figure out how I'm going to lose all the weight that I've gained as finals have ballooned me to a new high.

I have some plans to assist me in this:

Spring Break;

i'm rewriting all my Ana notebooks (thinspiration, as well as a way to consume my time, instead of my food)

i'm going to find one pair of new running shoes

i'm gonna be working a whole bunch =[

cleaning my apartment... REALLY REALLY cleaning!

Any and all reading i do is going to be strictly eating disorder related. THANK GOD.

Next Term:

i signed up for a good number of exercise classes =]

cardio kickboxing(1 hour 15 min, 2x per week)

cardio combo (s/a)

Running/Jogging(s/a)

Fitness Walking(s/a)

This is all going to be in addition to my normal classes and my work and exercise schedule. But I'm really excited about it =]

xxx lovelies

Till the end of finals!!!

blake

Haters

How is it that no one will say a thing, when you're struggling, and starving.

But the second you mention seeing a doctor about a metabolism issue you've had since 8 YEARS OLD. You're just shortcutting. If I was shortcutting I would have done it by now. It isn't manageable. I was bigger at 12 years old than I am now. And I'm starving just to maintain.

So. If you want to hate. GET THE FUCK OUT.

Goals

I've been making a mental list of what I need to accomplish before spring term starts, and here's what I've been thinking about.

I'm going to gradually start rewriting them into just one journal. That'll be able to go into a binder with all my favorite blogger posts, recipes, and safe foods. When I get the chance I'm going to add an extra page to my blog with a list of good ED books as well as two downloadable .pdf files (Wasted & Wintergirls) So look for that along with my next blog posts...

I've been journaling my food intake for ABC so I'll add a page with that as well so everyone can track my progress and shout at me when I get out of line!

I miss so many of my blogger friends right now... You all mean so much to me and it kills me how busy I've been. But it's good.

I've been watching things change, some friends seek out recovery and struggle towards normalcy. While others have gradually found recovery just by living their lives. There are others who are gradually sinking deeper, and a few caught in limbo... But we're all going to find out... I'm curious to see where we'll all be a year from now...

Success is near! Thank god. I'm going to do ABC like my life depends on it. (it does) Because if I make it count, I could be shopping for new clothes by this summer (I will)

And the best addition of all, I'm taking 3, maybe 4 activity classes next term (but 3 for sure) It'll be helpful, guaranteeing me exercise 4 times per week. (monday through thursday, at the very least!) I'll always be getting exercise!!!!!!!!

Although if all goes well I'm going to aim for extra exercise on fridays, and Eli is jogging with me on weekends.

Provided it all goes well, this should get me in good enough shape buy they end of the summer to start running (preferably to work)

And I'm buying running shoes during spring break!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!

-And that's my story.

(this blog post has been randomized and brought to you by LOTS OF CAFFEINE!)

XXXBLAKEXXX

Love you all!!!! =] xxx

What have I forgotten???

SO MUCH IS HAPPENING!

Can you believe I finally got permission???

After all this time, after all the worrying, questioning, and lying. All it took was acting healthy & telling him I was going on a diet. I was a little worried when he looked up what the ABC diet was. And I know he bit his tongue. But it doesn't matter, I have FINALLY won.

Congratulations to Ana's Girl! I know it will be hards, but you can do this! This baby has to be healthy, so respect your body because you only get this one time to make sure your baby gets off to the best start possible. Remember when you feel weak, that it's about the baby. Not you, and most importantly, not Ana. Also, Remember! I'm only a text or email away if you ever need a reminder. So again, Congrats dear! You and Jacob are going to do great!

I'm on Day 4 of ABC, I had a bit of a slip up, but I'm not too worried, I'm fasting for the next two days, with addition, to work and exercising I'll more than makeup for the mistake today, the goal is to be around 300 cal in the negative each day. I feel strong, knowing I'm fasting when it isn't even necessary. And knowing that if I go over my cal goal I'm still barely having anything. Past my exercise. Vegetarian. thin girl. I will be thin by my 18th birthday. I have to be.. There really isn't a better motivation...

My period started today... Barely, but nonetheless I feel like a failure. Like my body is getting away with something horrible. It's from eating nonstop for a few weeks, It has been months since the last one, so I know that this is healthy. I know it's better for me.

I know it's healthy. But I hate it. I feel less invincible.

Healthy doesn't exactly have excellent connotations in my mind... FAT, is the implications.

I can't wait to be free. Free of my fat, my disgust, all of it. I'm going to be pretty. I just know it. And it isn't far away.. Just a bit more dedication.

It's actually an amazing feeling, no longer wanting to starve out of existence, just to a less visible self.

Was there ever such a thing as a happy anorexic?

Was there ever such a thing

as an old anorexic?

I'm going to be happy, I'm sick of the EDNOS label. To be honest it just doesn't seem real, and really, 'I just want to be the best Anorexic I can be.' (this was stolen from an article I read recently) It's a chilling concept, but it's what every blogger is striving for, we just want to share our journey to perfection. We all know where we're headed. And we know we won't stop when we should. I have to be a happy Anorexic regardless of a crazy fear of food. I'm determined to have a crazy love for life. It's not optional, I have to, for me, for Eli.

I know I'll never be thin enough.

I'm always going to want to be thinner, but if I'm not willing to let myself be happy. To choose to be happy, there's no point continuing in this world at all.

I've also gotten a new doctor, one with no knowledge of my medical history. And on monday morning, I finally get to talk.

He's going to be a doctor that never will know how I see myself. Because it isn't really relevant to the problem at hand. All he'll know is that I have a possible thyroid imbalance...

Because really. It's insane to have to starve myself just to maintain my weight. And to have to starve and exercise like crazy just to lose a tiny bit.

I know all the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and I have most of them. Essentially my metabolism is really slow due to an issue in my thyroid gland... Most of the women in my family have thyroid issues, so with my family history, it doesn't come as much of a surprise. They'll do a quick little test and provided my thyroid levels are where I imagine they are I'll probably get on a mild dose of thyroid that will at least put my metabolism where it should be.

Veggie Diet: FEELS SO GOOD! I love knowing that theres not a chance that I'm going to eat meat. It feels pure, it's really phenomenal. And lents starts on Wednesday (regardless of my lack of catholicism) I'm celebrating the practice anyway in support of a Chiara. I'm giving up all sweets, in addition to meats. With it being a religious practice, no one can argue it. And Eli completely supports it! Because he wants me happy =]

I'm really ecstatic about life right now. It really couldn't get much better. I'm finally a vegetarian!!