Here's where I'm at.

Ugh.
So here it goes.

I've gained weight. I'm 155 lbs, again. I swore I'd never see this weight again...
I swore.

It is different this time though and I know that, I'm fit.

I am currently 120lbs of bone and muscle. 35lbs of fat. 23% body fat.

I am healthy?

See this is a complicated topic to me and to a lot of people obviously, if it weren't there would not be huge media controversy over body image and 'ideals'.

For the first time since this thing, this self hatred, this creeping doubt, this creative self-destruction crept into my life I am healthy.

I fucking hate it.

I also really love it. This change has crept into my life slowly, almost as slowly as this sickness crept in, in the first place. I have moments where I am so proud of myself and how I've changed that I could cry.

Then I have moments, days even, where I really struggle to be okay. Days like today.Where I feel like crap.

So I ask myself, why keep this blog, what is the point? I just keep coming back and I don't know if it is healthy. I feel like I am never going to stop this mental struggle. I suppose that is my main problem; my body is healthy and fit and capable. My mind is not.

I guess I never wrote it on this blog but I've been in some sort of recovery for a while now. It sure is a bumpy road. I suppose I hesitate to use the word 'recovery' because like so many of us I have never felt 'sick' enough to need recovery.

I never felt like I deserved to not hate myself, to get better, because I had never gotten 'sick' enough. I realize now how sick that is. That just for thinking that, I was sick enough to need help without ever losing a pound.

Over the next weeks or months this blog is going to undergo some changes, part of me wants to delete all the old posts but I believe that they are part of the struggle.

I want to really give this recovery thing a 'go'. I have tried just about everything else, I've been obese and anorexic and a whole bunch of things in between. Now I'm healthy, but I want to try happy.

Happy isn't something I've tried before.

I also wanted to say I'm sorry to those of you that follow, because I have really been all over the place with these blog posts (frequency, content, whatever). I also apologize because this blog is likely not going to become what you came here for originally. But if this blog doesn't change with me, then it isn't really my blog. So I hope I don't lose any of you for the change in content that is upcoming. I just want this blog to have a  bigger part in my life than it does right now and if it is going to-it can't just be something I write for on my bad days.

Here's to the future, may it be happy and healthy.

xxblake
stay strong, in all you do

Ouch.

Crashed on a bicycle a few days ago... I've been just sitting and sleeping and eating junk food for three days now. It makes me feel like crap, but there isn't much I can do. I can't work out and I hate it. But I'm trying to settle. I've been using my Garmin vivofit (like a fitbit or fuelband) and I can now pair it with MyFitnessPal, so I'm hoping the two will get me back on track.

Whatever that means.

I've been plugging along. Hopefully I'll feel something soon enough.

xxblake

Adderall... (I don't remember)

Makes the world seem very different.

It's been 25 days since I stopped taking Adderall. I've gained 2 pounds because of it, I feel like I'm always hungry.

But it had to stop, my heart couldn't handle it anymore. My max heart rate during exercise was 218bpm, that should be closer to 200. My resting heart rate was around 80, it has already dropped to 60.

Here's the thing though, Adderall made it easy to stay skinny. No matter how hungry I was, it was possible to ignore.

I don't remember the last time I noticed my stomach growl.

It's been 4 years of hyper-focused drug induced grades and I've ripped all that away. I now have one week until finals and I can hardly pay attention to things. I don't know if it is just my nerves about almost being done with college for real, or if it an actual inability to concentrate. But it is hard.

I don't remember the last time school was hard.

I've turned back to caffeine after successfully stopping back in December. I gave up energy drinks for the first time since high school. As opposed to my one a day per years, I have had 7 or 8 total in the past six months. I've been choosing better sources of caffeine though, like tea and some diet sodas (no coffee, My teeth won't stay white).

I don't remember the last time I was this disorganized.

I've been doing triathlon races though, that is actually why the Adderall had to stop. I could hardly breathe my heart rate would get so high. After some thought I started to get afraid of what I was doing to my heart long term. God knows I've already done enough to it. So I figured being in the middle of the season was as good of a time as any, at least I have to stay active. Which has made it easier to cope.

I don't remember a time that running has been this easy.

I've noticed I don't get angry as easily. Which is something I'd been missing, there were times that I'd notice being just fuming mad on Adderall and consciously thinking 'I don't even know why I am angry, this isn't that big of a deal' but I couldn't stop being angry. No matter what.

I don't remember the last time I was this calm.

To be honest, I'm realizing that there isn't actually a whole lot of stuff I remember when on Adderall. My recall for classes was good but overall, I couldn't remember conversations, or birthdays, or real-life important stuff. To an extent, I feel like I've missed out on a lot.

I don't remember the last time I was this tired.


For those of you that don't know what it is like to quite something like Adderall cold-turkey, imagine smoking every day for 4 years- and your doctor telling you that it is probably fine for your health... Then one day waking up and being like "You know, I think I may not smoke today, or tomorrow, or ever again.". But here's the thing, you still have the cigarettes, the doctor still thinks they're fine, and you can walk to your cupboard and grab them at any point. Sometimes you will, because you don't feel like a whole person and right before you light up-you stop. Remember why you're doing this.

One day at a time. I'm just not taking Adderall today, I won't worry about tomorrow yet.

Stronger than your addiction.

Be.

xxblake