Madness.

I'm so stressed....

But I have a new plan, and plans offer security... So I'm calm. Essentially, I've been eating fairly normally the past couple days, and my weight hasn't gone up. I've also been exercising, but the point is, because of where I'm at right now, I can exercise and easily even up my intake. So what I intend to do, is spend until winter break getting my weight lower. The healthy way, and then when my metabolism has sped up a bunch, and it's really easy to eat a whole bunch of bad food and still stay the same weight. Winter break will be here.

And I'll rip it all out from under me.

When break starts, I'm going to pack up all the food in the house that won't go bad. And I'm going to put it all in a box. And I'm going to tape the hell out of it. It will be inaccessible
for all of break. I will leave water, cabbage, and diet soda in the fridge. And rice and rice cakes in the cupboards. That's all I'll have, other than diet supplements. And I'm going to exercise even more when I'm not going to have class. Before and after work. Every shift. And the days I don't work will either be rest days or just days with one trip to the gym.

It should be so easy to drop some weight before Christmas if I do this. I need empowerment. I need to empower myself. I refuse to sit idly by, while I'm miserable about the way I look. I'm going to spend a few weeks getting more fit, and then a few weeks getting thin. Might transfer back and forth between the two over the next few months. But it should be easy when I'm all alone. Even when Eli and I go to bend with our friends (we'll call him E and her S), I can get up early and jog in the mornings. It won't be hard to exercise with more energy, I just need to give my body a break for a while. I know I can survive off of ice and sugar free syrup for two weeks easily, and that might be a goal for a while at the beginning of break. just to kick start everything.

I got my 'Big' at my sorority ! She was who I wanted and I think we'll have a lot of fun together...

These meds my doctor put me on are destroying me though. They are making me calm, but super anxious at the same time. And the feelings are so contradictory that I just am beside myself.

I should be getting the check from the insurance company today or tomorrow for my bike. =]

My new, new hard drive should be shipped out again in the next couple of days. Hopefully this one won't be corrupted.

I'm really excited to start my Christmas shopping! It's gonna be just fabulous!

I'm generally against bulimia as an alternative to simple food avoidance, however its becoming more and more appealing with as much as I've been eating.

OHH!!! The psych. Was Bat Shit Crazy. I'm not going back there. Not ever. EVER! She had that 'soothing' monotone, 'how do you feel about that?' sort of attitude. Which I just can't stand. Plus, all I have to do is keep myself out of trouble until my 18th birthday, which is only 9 or so months away. Then I can be as thin as I want, and my doctor, and my parents. Can do nothing.

Sorry for all the madness, the ability to write well seems to ebb and flow recently.

xxxblakexxx