Breath, I've just got to breath.

FUCK.

Eli has read all of it... He's read every, fucking, thing I've written.

Now that that is out of my system...

Here's the REAL dilemma, he wants me to talk to my doctor at my appointment today, and this appointment is just for my ankle technically. BUT, he wants me to say something, and in this case I'm not sure what to do, I mean. He sure as hell isn't Dick....

But maybe it's just me being a broken record. But I'm totally terrified. Because now, if I go through the steps but do nothing, he still knows... I'm not ready to let go of this, I haven't achieved anything yet. I can't be fixed. I don't even look broken.

It's like... I've felt like I could tell him anything... But now, knowing that. Ugh. I mean, he knows he holds more cards than Dick ever did. And he holds almost as many as me... He knows that he can sway me more than any other person... And I know he wouldn't take advantage of that...

Right?

I just don't know what to do... My appointment is only a few hours away now. And my world, is slowly dissipating. It's crunch time... But what do I do? Because for the first time, I couldn't come to a conclusion before I finally fell asleep. But I really don't know if I'm ready to deal with all of this. I know I'm not ready to let go, does that mean I do nothing? Or only part of it?

Oh god help me.

xxxblakexxx

A Tribute to all Those people.

This is gonna be a long one...

Crazy shit is happening. Something clicked in me recently. I don't want food. I love how it can taste. But I hate how it's making me feel. Maybe it's the diet pills... Maybe it's a million things... But when it comes to losing weight. Those who can... Do. Those who can't. Make excuses... I refuse to make anymore excuses. I refuse to let this be another one of those wannarexic epiphanies, Another promise of change. With no results. I don't care how long it takes, I don't care if it's a half pound a week, If I'm not gaining. And I'm losing its gonna be okay. I'm going to stop freaking out when I eat a little bit too much, I'm going to exercise twice as hard to make up for it.

I'm done sitting on my ass crying about how I hate my body. I'm done looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I don't even want mirrors around. I just want the numbers to start disappearing. I want numbers to leave and never come back, 10, 20, 30, 40 pounds, need to disappear.

I have a great boyfriend. Who deserves a thin girlfriend, who can at least keep up with him. I've decided I'm going to either walk or bike to work every day. Rain or shine. Unless I am running so late that I just can't make it. There is no reason for my motorcycle to leave the garage unless I'm on a joy ride. I'm going to walk to work until I can jog to work.

I have an Ana book, full of quotes, thinspo, and tips and reasons. I have a cupboard of diet pills and metabolism aids. There is no reason for me to be overweight. NO reason to be struggling with self hate when other people think I'm fine, NO reason to constantly be pigging out when I'm not even hungry. NO reason to suffer, when it's easy to fix.

I'm going to start getting thinspired, I'm going to thinspo the apartment, quotes everywhere.

I'm sick of reading everyone bitch about their lives. And do nothing to change it, girls think that just because they can write, and evoke emotion and understanding from others. That they can cry about their mediocre lives and do nothing to change them. I mean what about Nikki (Letters from Ana) That girl can write and her life is falling apart. But she's doing an amazing job of keeping it all together. Where are those girls? Why aren't they writing more? Admittedly, my life isn't horrible. Not one thing is really bad at this point. My life has been fucked up before, and I've been doing things to change it. And to keep it better. I have a lot on my plate, not nearly as much as some and way more than others.

I'm just striving for perfection. Same as all of you.

So to those people, that think this is all made up.

To those people, that think you don't have an issue, just because you aren't losing 5 pounds per week.

To those people that think if you DO eat, you HAVE to puke it all up, or you aren't disordered.

To those people that think there is actually a standard to a disorder, a weight, a bmi, a fat percentage, exact behaviors.

To all of those people who think if you don't fit the bill, then you're just weird.

To those people who think it takes more than an incessant want to be ridiculously thin.

To those people who think that just because someone can talk about how they feel about food and their body, that they aren't really TERRIFIED of their body changing, of gaining weight.

To ALL of those people who think we are crazy because we aren't JUST. LIKE. THEM.

To those people who think that eating disorders are just for celebrities, models, psychos, and those Straight A Athletes, with controlling parents.

To those people who think it's not just the girl next door, the cashier at Arby's, the waitress at Ruby Tuesdays, or that quiet girl hiding behind her glasses.

To all those people who think that it's not something that changes you for the rest of your life.

To all those people who think I'm fixable.

Thank you.

I'd never be this motivated to reach my perfection without you.

xxxblakexxx

Long Post...

So here goes...

When I was visiting my parents with Darcy and Eli, I only ate about half of a salad when we all went out to dinner. My dad pulled me aside later that night and apologized for the fact that he overfed me as a child, and that because of what he did, he feels responsible for the way I eat (or don't). That's a whole ball of emotion that I can't even deal with at the moment... But that's not the important part...

The important part is this...

I sort of... Overdosed on ephedra when Phillip and I took Darcy to the airport, I was super exhausted and I just popped one too many, paired with an energy drink...

Aside from that, I hadn't eaten much of anything, a skimpy meal to a normal person if you ask me, hah. What makes me really horrible, is that even though it was scary, and I was so cold that I couldn't stop shaking... It felt, good? Empowering? I'm not sure, it was calming in a way, and I don't know if it was because my heart was beating so fast it was ready to stop, or If I genuinely enjoyed how out of control I felt... But it made me feel like my hard work was paying off...

Phillip took me to a 24 hour restaurant and bought me tea and toast, I could only stomach a quarter of one piece of toast, I just couldn't do it... Which was weird, I figured I'd be craving food like no other, but I really just didn't want it..

This is just a willpower game... I won't be the weak one..

I am stronger than my hunger, everyone is, they just don't use any willpower to actually accomplish anything. That's why the United States inhabits a whole bunch of obese people, we're all just spineless... And I intend for that to stop, I'm going to straighten up, and soon everyone will be able to see that spine...

Even that though, isn't the real story here... The real story is about Eli, he text Phillip, and they talked too much, he made it seem like way too big of a deal, then again, maybe he didn't. However, now Eli wants to talk to me.

"I'm so confused."

'What do you mean?

"Why are you doing this to yourself?"

'I don't even know anymore...'

"I really want to talk about it this weekend."

'What do you mean you want to talk about it?'

"I'm really concerned, and I just want to talk about it."

'Why are you concerned? I'm fine, I just got over tired.'

"It wasn't just over tired."

`Haha, If he's worrying, then you're finally doing it right, you stupid fat-ass.'

You really think so?

`Yes, your body feels it, Just wait for it to show it. Keep the fridge empty, and your thoughts strong... You can beat everyone.'

Thing is, I know he won't make me change, He'll encourage a change, but he won't make it happen. He can't and he knows it, or he thinks that anyway... Which I find funny, because he has a greater influence than anyone else. I just have to keep calm, and remember that I am stronger than this, that this is about my willpower. And I won't let anyone take it from me. Because I deserve to be in complete control.

The fridge is pretty much empty, Almonds, cranberries, water, an occasional energy bar, and one slice of cheese chopped up and eaten throughout the day. Plus whatever juice I happen to consume at work, I'm going to bounce around with calories. Even if I mess up one day, I'm going to stick to the plan of up, down, up, down, down. If it's a down day, and I go up, but I'm supposed to go up the next day, I'll still go up the second day, because It can't hurt me that bad, and plus I'm going to try and keep it under 1000 on the up days. Thinking about allowing a binge day per week, around 1800 calories (my BMR) just so I can eat a bunch, feel miserable, and be ready for the next week...

This will be so much easier when school starts. So much better, Eli and I will be exercising all the time. He's such an enabler, and he doesn't even know it. In fact he's probably more motivational than anyone else....

Till next time ladies,

Let me know how you all are doing,

I'm going to try and get on here a bit more often.

Miss you all!

xxxblakexxx

Stay Strong, Think Thin, Live Ana

Tomorrow!!!

Tomorrow is the day!!! =]

I go pick up my elliptical tomorrow!!! I am so excited about it! It is gonna be so nice having an elliptical only a few feet from me all the time! I also bought a flexible measuring tape with Eli a bit ago, and now I can start keeping track of all my progress. Start measuring as the waist shrinks away and the muscles get a little bit bigger.

the simplicity of it all, it makes me smile. I didn't realize how easy it would be, even with Eli here. To convince him that its all fine... I'm going to exercise like crazy. Until I can keep up with him. Until I can run better than I ever have. I'm going to surpass even my own expectations. No questions asked. If I have something this available, I am going to use it. I am going to use it often. And I am going to start getting rid of the food in my apartment, I know Darcy is only here for a couple more weeks. but she has an apartment. She can eat it all there I can't do it anymore. I can't keep letting myself sway, for her, it's different. She eats, and she feels guilty later. I can't operate that way. If I think something is that horrible I'll use the willpower and avoid the issue... Or if I do eat it, maybe I really needed it to function. And even if I didn't.... I'm probably still in the negatives for today...

But she feels so bad about food.... And I just can't take it... I can't stand feeling guilty, the little bit I DO eat. Feeling bad is unnecessary. And I want the food out. I want it all out. I'm going to go through it bit by bit, and I'm going to only buy what I need. I know its bitchy and I know she's leaving. I'm not saying she isn't welcome over.. I'm just saying, she has her own apartment, that she pays for. And that I've helped pay for. And I need some space sometimes...

Gah, I really do feel like a bitch. But it's time to start respecting myself. And my needs. And I NEED to be skinny.

That's that. After I have something to exercise with in my own living room, I won't have an excuse. And I'll stop giving myself one.

Motivate me ladies. I really need it.

xxxblakexxx

Tiired...

My ankle is still swollen... =[

Which means I can't really exercise and it's killing me.

Ana's whispering again...

I barely got a break for my birthday, but it's back,

You're fat... You know better...

And I am, and I do.

It's almost time, I'm gonna exercise like crazy. I'm thinking about buying a stationary bike or a treadmill. I can probably get one used, and then I won't have to worry so much.

I can exercise instead of eat, and exercise if I do eat. In fact I think I'm going to look online for one in a bit.

I just want Eli to move in already, I'll get so skinny so fast. I eat too much with Darcy. Way. Too. Much. It's killing me. And It has to stop, it really does.

Time to figure out finances! Time to see if I can get something to exercise with!!!

Love you ladies! Hope all is well! I'll be back soon!

xxxblakexxx

Happy Birthday to Me...

4.9 haha, I should complain, but I'm too damn happy. I got my apartment =]

Things are falling together in my life for the first time.

I feel like this is going to be a different type of pro-ana. I don't have the angst I'm supposed to have. haha maybe a bit of the self-loathing. But everything is just going so fuckin' well!

For example: Part of the Boyfriends Facebook message.

"what I'm trying to say is that your 17 but have already made it so far, and I cant wait to see where you go in your life, and I cant wait to see our relationship grow, I really feel good about this one. so when your feeling down, smile cause I really like you and dont know what I would do with out you. and I'm looking forward to living with you next year...I know you may not like your birthday that much, but its one of my favorite days because with out that day in history, I would have never met you."

I am twitter-pated. =D I feel like a small child. It's an odd sensation! But I'm really happy. And I'm ready to not only lose weight, but to get in really good shape. Because guys like Eli... They don't date girls that can't keep up with them. And right now I can't. So somethings gotta give. And it will. I have time. ;]

I hope everyones days are going amaaaazing! I'm 17 in 20ish minutes! =0

A birthday without calorie counting is in order! I'll worry about it all on wednesday anyway! Then i can exercise like crazy and fast! But I'm going to enjoy my day! =D

Love you ladies like crazy!

xxxblakexxx