!!!!!!! =D

Down Three pounds when I stepped on the scale today! =]

Finally to 145lbs! I celebrated by going to the gym with Darcy! I got in a half of elliptical, a half of spinning, and a half of arm spinning, some ab work, and drank 120 cal of Cytomax! I burned 730 calories! Then when I got home a had an 80 cal mix of almonds and dried cranberries. And now I'm relaxing! This day is amazing! (Keep Calm: I can't believe it! One pound to lose by tuesday and I reach the five pound goal for my birthday!) Weird to think I'll be 17 tuesday, when everyone around me is turning 19 or 20. But that's okay. I'll be the skinny one. ;]

My manager has me working, every single day I requested off next week. So no celebrating my birthday.... =/

I'm thinking of compiling some pics from the past few years to sort of showcase the way my weight has changed. But it'd take some digging at my parents house if I was going to do that. Thoughts?

I'm feeling motivated! I definitely made a cheesecake with Phillip and Darcy last night. And she had a couple bites and laid down. I had essentially one spoonful of it and said I couldn't eat anymore. So I actually didn't, for the first time in my life I said no to cheesecake. As well as most of the meal that Phillip had made before that. It was so fantastic! I'm feeling slightly invincible!

But the real challenge hasn't happened yet. The real challenge happens when Eli shows up this afternoon. And wants to eat eat eat. He said when he got here, we would have a meal with no talk of calories or anything but the apartment we're looking at. (We find out if our application got accepted some time next week! I'm hoping to know on or before my birthday so I can be moving when I'm off work that day!) I'm hoping to avoid that as much as possible, because he has a tendency to distract me. If worse comes to worse I can look up the menu of a place before we go, and have what I'm getting all figured out. I'm thinking a child sized anything would be perfect. (They are generally on smaller plates. So if you clean your plate its still half sized).

One more pound to go. 3 days to do it. Totally doable. Come on lovelies! Motivate me!!!

Stay Strong, Think Thin, Live Ana

xxxblakexxx

Baby, Please.

"Baby, please.

Lose anything you want, just do it the right way."

"I'm fine, I'm just not hungry."

"But you are. I can tell, please don't lie. I know you better than that.

Just eat anything, and let's talk."

'Talk about what?'

"How much do you want to lose?"

'Why?'

"Just tell me. I won't judge. I can help you...."

'Help me?'

"Yeah, I'll help you get the weight off. Just let me in baby."

'Promise?'

"Baby, I swear."

'38 more pounds. I want to be 110.'

"Okay, but please eat.

If you eat I can help you."

'Really? How do you figure that?'

"Because if you eat. Ill push you hard to exercise. I mean, I'll push you really hard. I'll help you push all your limits. Just eat something to fuel it. If you want you can eat Under your BMR so all you do is lose. Just feed your body, it'll be better.

And you'll be so skinny. But you won't be so sick."

'110. You'd help me to a 16.7 BMI. If I just eat something?'

"yes babe, if 110 makes you happy I'll help you get there. I just want you happy. And I want you as safe as possible. But I'll exercise with you. I'll eat healthy foods with you. I'll help plan your weeks. All you have to do is eat what I put in front of you."

Im wary of the concept. But he seems so sincere. Like he'd really help. He doesn't break promises. Ever. I can always trust him. He's always good to me. And if I exercise with him it'll exhaust me. I can't handle his regime. Plus gymnastics. I'll be icing my body (which burns more calories.). All I have to do is eat three tiny meals (under 300 cal each) or one big meal (less than 1000) but he'll make me healthy. And I'll be skinny.

It wouldn't happen until September anyway. I still have time to lose. I could probably get to my next plateau by then I'd I really try. Then he can help mr past it. And work me hard. I'll give him fall term to really help and if he doesn't I don't have to do this any-...

"Baby, what do you think?"

*sigh* 'Okay. Fine, I'll try it your way. When we move in I'll try it. Not before then."

"Okay. Thank you babe! I promise I can help you!"

'yeah, I know you can.'

So can gymnastics and a physical trainer. And I'm going to meet up with a trainer for an exercise plan. This is bull. I won't do it anymore. I've said that before.

But now I have the means.

I will be skinny.

"thank you."

*Oh you stupid little girl. You know he's going to make you eat more and more. It won't stop. If you were a stronger person. I'd be taking all the credit. Well, you and I would. Don't let him take our glory. Don't give him a license to make you fat.*

Ana please. I need to believe in this.

*You need to believe in ME. I'm the one that golds the power. Stop making stupid decisions. Now you're going to have to lose so much this summer so he can't ruin you. There's not much time left.*

No there isn't.

I won't cut you any slack anymore. It's time to kick it into gear. You pathetic fat ass.

Okay Ana. Maybe he is ri-

*No! unacceptable! No. Don't go there he doesn't know. I know.*

(For the first time. The Ana in my head is scaring me.)

Whispering....

"You're fat!" Hisses Ana In my ear...

Thing is, I know I'm not... Not technically. I'm technically in my healthy BMI range, of healthy weight for my height, etc. My fat percentage isn't too high...

But this whisper...
So this is what it's like to be disordered?

"I can't see ANY of your spine. And your shoulders... Nonexistent." A sense of mockery.

"Oh look, there are shadows of hip bones in there... That's the only thing that gives me hope about you."

"Those jeans... 26 inch waist. That. Is. Disgusting."

It IS pretty gross... I definitely have love handles...

"Come on, only 39 more pounds... when you think about it that way... That isn't that far... It's just going to take some work."

"Don't worry Blake, I will make you Beautiful... Just trust me, I'm here to help you."

I could use the help...

"All you have to do is promise me hard work, promise me your goals, promise me your thought, promise me your devotion. Promise me EVERYTHING."

I Promise.

Epiphany!

Apparently I'm responsible for everyones negative behavior...

Darcy's friends are blaming her so called, self-destructive behavior on me.

So First Dick blames me for Chiara, Then Phillip for Darcy, and now Darcy's friends... I'm actually beginning to believe everyone when they tell me that I'm the cause of everyones problems. Especially now...

I'm a horrible person for being so excited! Eli and I are apartment hunting this weekend! A two bedroom, just for the two of us.. =] Things are going to be so easy!!!!!!
He agreed to diet with me when we move in together! WE ARE GOING ON A DIET TOGETHER!!!! AHHH!!!!! I am SO excited! It's gonna be easy I needed this. I definitely ingested like 1500 calories today, which is lower than my bmr however. I'm still teetering at 149. Thank god I haven't bumped back yet. It's just way too close for comfort. It's okay though. I can get down to 144 by August third! Five pounds by my birthday! And then I'm going to make myself some promises for my birthday present.

Haven't quite figured out what the exact goals are going to be. But I'm going to do this right from now on... It's time to start being good to myself, even if I have to be horrible to myself to be good to myself. I'm willing to do what it takes. Ana's presence is stronger then ever. I can practically hear a whisper in my ear. Things in my life are all falling into place. You wouldn't even believe it.

My mother asked me for diet tips. I made her a relatively healthy little newsletter of some weight loss tips. I just can't believe it. She asked me if I was on a diet and I said yes. And instead of being critical, she just asked what my restrictions were and made me a salad. It was an amazing moment! I'm so excited!

Darcy opened the doors for me. She got me comfortable talking to people I can actually see about this kind of stuff. And now my mom is supportive, Eli is going to diet with me. Phillip has stopped bitching. And Chiara reads and constantly supports.

I'm ridiculously tempted to be completely pro-ana open. And not care about telling people. If I do that, I'll be able to lose so much faster, I can hang out with people who will support me. And I am a strong enough person at this point to deal with with any criticism or comments. I'm not going to be rash about deciding this. But I'm ready for a change. And I think that my birthday is going to be a landmark for me! I'm going to make my decisions by then and stick by them....

Ana's Back, I'm snuggled in her arms. And I'm ready to do this.

Stay STRONG, Think THIN, Live Ana.

NOTHING Tastes as Good as Thin Feels.

Feel it with me!

xxxblakexxx

I didn't want to exercise anyway... -_-

I crashed when I was dirt biking with Eli, pretty hard. I managed to tear the ligaments in my ankle, so no dirt biking, no running, no real form of cardio. At all =/ I'm really not sure what to do about it. I can't even put pressure on it for the next three or four days.

Another frustrating thing... Eli, he's... Great, everything I'd hoped and we compliment each other so well. However, he's always complimenting me. He tells me I'm beautiful and that he loves my body, and swears on these things so earnestly I almost believe him. And it kills me... Because I feel like thats part of the issue it's killing my motivation, I just can't stay motivated like this... I don't know what to do, I just never want to see food again, and I want to be able to exercise, but I can't because of my stupid ankle.

It's just whenever I'm with him, he's so... Food oriented, which isn't even true it just seems like that because I eat two solid meals and a snack when I'm with him. And even if it is good for my metabolism, it's horrible for my ego, and my conscience. I'm not going to see him until late this week or this weekend. So until then, no more than one (balanced) meal per day. And I'll allow myself as much zero calorie juice as I want, as well as one breakfast or energy bar, which will keep me around 700 calories per day I think, that way my metabolism isn't totally dead, and I'm still getting enough nutrients for my body to heal, that's my main concern right now is healing so I can exercise again. Then I'll eat with Eli this weekend and be down to 600 calories next week, then 500 etc. allowing two or three days, not sure yet, to eat with him.

I'm back to working on my thinspo book, and I'm going to start journaling again, I need to change my writing style a bit, I want it to be a bit more blogging conducive. So I think I'm going to play around a bit with that in the near future. So beware, it'll be messy for a while. I'm also going to try to change my page layout a bit, just to set it apart from other pages. I'm going to try that tonight, so this page may be down for a little while.

I'm off to ice the ankle, thinspo it up, and create a rockin' layout!

Time for a change, as my ankle heals, so will my resolve. I will. Be skinny. No one can take that away from me this time!
Don't worry lovelies! We've got this!

Stay strong for those that aren't, think thin-taylor momsen, angelina jolie, eva mendes, live ana.... For you

xxxblakexxx

Lacking in Motivation...

Ugh.... My motivation is gone.. I keep seeing Eli, which means i keep eating.
I should be more frustrated about it, but things in my life have been going so well that I just can't bring myself to be. An interesting new development... As quickly as Darcy has appeared, she's ready to leave, she's dropped out of school and she's moving to the east coast in the end of august. Just like that, she said it wasn't what she wanted to be doing, and she's going to be gone, it's really weird to think about. But it happens I suppose....

I really need motivation lovelies. I really need to get back in the swing of things after this weekend, classes start on monday, and I need to kick it up a notch, and quit freaking out, my birthdays coming up, and I want to be down at least five pounds by then.

Comments are appreciated as always, please give me reasons to keep writing..


Stay Strong Lovelies.

xxxblakexxx

Exciting!!!!

I have a street bike!!! Finally! And its going to build some excellent muscle! I'm really looking forward to it, I may be broke from the expenditure. However, I have transportation I can afford. An excellent way to waste my time, and a good reason to start looking fantastic, (no fat girls stepping off the bikes)

I don't have too much to say tonight, I'm super tired, I just wanted to post something.

How are all of you? (comment/message)

ssttla

xxxblakexxx

Everything Else!

So it's been a while.... Things have been pretty interesting, and I regret not writing more. but I seem to always be with someone and its beginning to get a little difficult. Even now, I'm only getting this time to write because I convinced Eli to take Darcy on a street bike ride.

So down to business:

The Ana Book, Is starting to really come together, there is so much thinspo in there I could just die! I may even make a series of thinspo books! It's a bit exciting actually! Anyway, I have a stack of magazines next to me as I write this, and thats what I'm doing next.

Phillip... Oh Phillip... He's having a hard time right now, aside from being frustrated with life over the fact that he just moved to a new town and doesn't have a job, and isn't in school at the moment, and none of his old friends are here... Except me, who, according to him, has changed quite a bit... And i don't know if I am really in the position to argue that.. However what he did do that got to me was this... Phillip isn't comfortable eating around me at all, he said I look miserable around food, hilariously enough, the miserable look on my face was out of thoughts on my ex boyfriend (crazy abusive one) who has made an appearance recently... Regardless, Phillip has blamed me for Darcy's recent dark mood as well as her poetry, his words "Darcy writes really dark poetry, because YOU put her in a bad place." (there was much emphasis on the word you.)
Moving on, I just don't give a fuck what he thinks at this point, and I asked Darcy and she told me she would be in the same place regardless of me. But it gets to me, especially after Dick blamed me for Chiara....

Speaking of Chiara, everything seems to be going well for her! Still across the world teaching little monsters how to swim! But it's going well, and she's getting a lot of exercise, so thats awesome! It's making her happy, so I'm happy!

OH! Some happy news! I asked Eli out on the third at the rodeo =] =] =] =] He knows about everything, he doesn't care, well, he cares. But it doesn't affect our friendship, he seems to be more level headed than that. I'm just genuinely really excited about it. Which is a bit strange for me, I normally don't get too excited about guys, or relationships anyway. But I am, I'm happy which doesn't happen very often anymore.

I don't think I've mentioned it before, but my dad has been struggling with cancer for a while, and he just finished his treatment! We won't know for around six months if everything worked, but I'm hopeful, and If it did in fact work they don't expect it to return, thank goodness.

Oh I bought Dick a birthday present since his birthday is on the 24th, I find it a bit strange that I was compelled to buy him a gift, considering my dislike for him. However, I was on a spending spree, and I do feel sorry for him, above my dislike for him, it's just pity. But I'm pretty sure he'll like them. (fingers crossed) if not, oh well. Hah

I continued the street bike argument with my mother today, it was actually more successful than I'd thought it would be, and I'm considering taking out a loan and buying myself one for my birthday, since my parents and I aren't celebrating it, I figure I could, maybe in the form of my own little food free road trip. =] Just to bend of course, because I'm too lame to want to go anywhere but there... I really do love eastern Oregon though, It's such a beautiful place. I'm moving there as soon as I'm done with school. I feel like I'm ready to have my midlife crisis...

I guess that's not too bad though, I could just get it over with, eighteenth birthday, just get a piercing, a tattoo, and take off cross country on a street bike. Could be good!

A side note from all the good, it's still good, but strange, Eli and I had plans to move in with each other in september with another friend... Which my parents are still fine with.. Except now, it may just be Eli and I, and possibly not the other friend that was going to join us.... Which I'm not opposed to... I don't think, It's just a bit weird that I might be living alone with a boyfriend, in an apartment or something...

Things with Ana are good, I've been listening, and she's been blessing me. I didn't eat sunday, monday, or tuesday (except for one bite of food with Eli because he was waving it at me with the look I'm sure you've all seen). I ate a meal yesterday with my mother and again today, then I ate with Eli and Darcy, at Arby's no less. =[ But It's not too bad, still around 700 calories for the day, then I eat with Eli and his family, and his friends tomorrow. I'm a bit nervous actually... but I'm hoping for the best. Then sunday we are going to go dirt biking, so there will be food, but lots of exercise. So i should still be in the negative. It's getting so much easier... It's pleasing. But more noticeable. I just don't want to eat half the time, It doesn't take an argument in my head, I just think 'Blake, you have a protein shake waiting for you at home, and if you can't eat that if you eat this.' And I really like these shakes, they are special k and low cal and low sugar, but they taste so good I could feel guilty about it. But just that thought, and I don't want anything so badly anymore. Easy as pie. Thank you Ana.

I'm sorry for the book ladies, if you managed this far I commend you! Thank you for reading! Your comments keep me motivated to log on here and write! And thank you everyone for the sweet emails I've been receiving, you motivated me to hurry back!

lots of love!

Stay strong, think thin, live Ana...
(Together we can, United we stand) - I thought that held a strange validity. =]
xxxblakexxx