Liar Liar....

Repeatedly, I've said myself... I'm struggling with an eating disorder.... We all say it, we call it a horrible disease, and then admit that it is all that we even want. We admit that we're killing ourselves. We know what we're doing. I don't care what anyone says, someone with an eating disorder knows what they are doing, they just may not know why they are doing it. None of us are struggling with an eating disorder... We are struggling with normality. Normality is where are problems lie, why we lie. Not our issues with our eating disorders...

I love Eli, I really do... And he says things that are just so sweet...And sometimes he says stuff he means to be sweet. I think, he very much just may not think about it..

I'd be afraid to take him dirt biking..

which says something since you'll take me

Ya, but I know you're tough

I'm flattered but, I want to be capable, but not more tough than his guy friends...

We talked briefly about ed... His words on it.

I'm proud of you. You don't get as nervous anymore around food...

I'd almost had a panic attack at lunch. Which means I hide it better than I used to. My leg shakes constantly, so I'm always burning at least a few calories. I've eaten half amounts of what everyone else eats. I am always talking, no one notices. He said he never sees me on blogger, I'm on every day. Never sees me check other proAna sites. They're even on my phone history.

Liar liar pants on fire...

Why am I so pleased?

Disappearing Act

"Has anyone noticed how many people are just.. Fading away? How everyone just seems to disappear? For being thin enough to fade away, to fade away because someone, or something has gotten to them, something that makes them happier.
And yet I am thankful for that, for seeing that there are ways out, to know that these people are offline because they are busy recovering, or either busy with family, friends and lovers. Things that make them happy.
It is comforting to know that these things are out there for everyone, for us, especially for us. The few that are left behind, who are struggling, fighting. Who get knocked off their feet, but climb right back up as we are running towards our goals."

This is a quote from Corrupted Fairytale, and something that has been weighing heavily on my mind... I haven't gone anywhere, Ana is all that consumes my thoughts, but I've been spending too much time around my parents... and I can't afford for them to question anything... My weight has been up and down and up and down... And Recently I hit 155 again... I couldn't cope so I insisted to everyone that we all needed to eat healthier.. I'm down 3 solid pounds since then... Which isn't much. But it was steady and it is gone for good. That's what I need, I need it all gone for good.

Stay strong ladies, I'll be back, I just can't keep writing blog posts at work so I have internet... People are going to know sooner or later... But it's going to be because I'm too thin to ignore... Not because I messed up.

I promise darlings.

I'll be back.

ssttla

xxxblakexxx

*sigh*

I am so sorry I haven't been updating like I'd planned things have been crazy...

The good news is I saw my doctor today, and he says my weight is stable enough to go a month without seeing him... then I pushed my appointment out another week. So five weeks from now I see my doctor again... And this time I'm going to do something different for a bit. I want to drop just five pounds by then. My head is screaming at me... And Ana is telling me I'm a dumb bitch. But I'm gonna give this a try. Instead of yo-yo-ing around like I do, I'm going to try and get rid of five pounds that can't ever come back. My doctor will see it as healthy weight loss and I can continue to plug along slowly until my 18th birthday. I've been struggling so hard for results that I know I could achieve quickly... But that really is going to complicate my life right now. If I lose slowly and steadily I'll win this in the end. It will just take me far too long.

But beggars can't be choosers... So I'm going to do my best.

I'm sorry for the crappy post, but I'm just depressed... It'll be better... I just need to lose.. I need to lose faster.. But i can't right now.. and I know that.

I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to exercise even more. And I'll let the weight melt like that. Then when it gets too hard to lose that way, this spring. I'm going to restrict the hell out of me.

My blog posts are going to be sporadic for a while, I can tell.. I just need to help myself for awhile.. I'm getting depressed. Right now I don't care much about what happens to me. Which I never have experienced before...

I'm going to get thin lovelies. I'm just going to go against everything I believe in to accomplish it for a while. I'll miss you all.. But I have to keep my doctor off my back for a little while..

I love you all. I'm going to miss you bunches... Feel free to email me. I'd love to hear how you're all doing.


xxxblakexxx

STAY STRONG THINK THIN LIVE ANA

easy come easy go...

Best/worst/ most interesting/ most stressfull couple weeks ever. I'll update real soon guys!

xxxblakexxx

much love!

Good Day So Far...

I just barely made it to my OCHEM final today =/ But I made it nonetheless =]

Intake: 70

Output: 306
Subtotal:-236

Life is really good =]

I just got a phone call from the bike shop explaining that they get the last part tomorrow so that theyll have my motorcycle done tomorrow afternoon or Friday. Either way, on both those days I'm free all morning and afternoon. So it's super exciting. I'm a bit afraid of what it's going to look like though =[

Anyway, I see my mom tonight around 7 or 8pm I am pretty sure she's going to try and take me out for dinner which is just the worst. =/ I'm going to avoid it with everything in me, hopefully I can convince her I've already eaten and don't feel very well. No matter what, I'm not allowed bread or meat for the next 24 hours. Which can cut out some major cals =] I also have this recipe list I made and if she really wants us to have a snack we can make something out of that =] I'm just going to try and convince her I'd rather make something at home then go out to dinner. Restaurants cook such scary things =/



-My point exactly.... Anyway!!!

ABC Vegetables N' Chili
servings: 8 ... calories: 24 ... fat: 2

° 1 lb ground chicken breast, s

kinless
° 1/2 c onions, chopped
° 1/2 c bell peppers, chopped
° 3 c water
° 15 ozs tomato sauce
° 15 ozs stewed tomatoes, undr

ained

° 2 tsps chili powder
° 1 tsp salt
° 1/4 tsp black pepper
° 2 c canned mixed vegetables, drained

° 1 c alphabet pasta, uncooked

In a large saucepan, combine chicken, onions, and bell peppers. Cook over medium hig

h heat, stirring occasionally, until chicken

is no longer pink. Add water, tomato sauce, stewed tomatoes, chili powder, salt, and black pepper. Continue cook

ing, stirring

occasionally, until chili comes to a boil. Add mixed vegetables and pasta. Reduce heat to medium low. Continue cooking, stirring

often, until flavors are blended, 20 minutes.

Its not too bad. And for all you lovely Ana's who don't have to deal with parents looking over your shoulder its a great thing to keep around... (and even for those of you who do... no one needs to know how low cal it is ;] )

Also! Here's a yummy dessert!

No Bake Gingersnap Balls
servings: 20...calories: 58 ...fat: 2

° 1 1/4 c unbleached flour

° 1 tbsp baking powder
° 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
° 1/4 tsp salt
° 1 1/2 c All Bran Cereal, original
° 1 c cranberries, coarsely chopped

° 1/2 c raisins

° 1 tsp orange peel, grated
° 1 1/4 c fat-free milk
° 1/3 c egg whites
° 3 tbsps olive oil

In a mixing bowl, combine corn syrup and peanut butter. Mix well. Add crushed cookies. Mixture should hold together without

being sticky. Roll mixture into 20 one inch balls. Coat balls with powdered sugar. Chill

until ready to serve.

On a side note! The ginger that is in pumpkin pie spice helps get rid of nausea as well as boosting your metabolism for a time. So this is pretty damn good =]

Time to study for Bio, I'll update you all in the next couple days, I'm going to try and keep tonight at no more that 200 cal, so I have more than a metabolic deficit. Might even go for a jog or do sit ups or something. Either way, I'll keep you all up to date more often after tomorrows final!!!


Almost time to get skinny ;D


xxxblakexxx

Quickie...

Ugh, trouble with quickies lately.. But that's a story for another time....

Finals week update: Finals haven't started, much less finished and I'm already liquid fasting. I got on the scale a couple days ago at 151, went to the gym yesterday and left at 150 (on my home scale) 152.4 on the gym scale, (given I have to have clothes on at the gym). I'm liquid fasting (under 300 cal per day) until I'm 144. At that time I might extend it. but geeze. I'm a pig. I went and got my body fat percentage tested yesterday... Twenty -eight point fucking four. 28.4%!!!!! I'm a pig *oink oink*
A fun fact I was shown however is the expected weight range... Which puts me at a whopping 150 for a healthy weight... Hah. A weight of 135 if I had a small frame, etc. So technically. Right now. I'm perfect. yuck. But it's all going to be fixed. Liquids until 144, and I'm going to make sure I exercise for a deficit of 200 cal per day. I had wanted to do some serious losing during this break. But to be honest, I hadn't expected this kind of motivation, I'm going to do my best to convince Eli to bring his scale that measures body fat percentage back with him at the end of break... Something for me to live off of. ;] I am done making excuses for myself, a day without exercise just isn't a day. From now on, I will not go to sleep until I have experienced some sort of exercise. NO matter what. I'm sick of this pig oinking at me in the mirror all the time.

Aside from all that, I've been reading thinspo like crazy, I'm beginning to love those stationary bikes that just let me read printed blog posts on them. Life is good. I'll be back soon lovelies with real updates! For now, I hope you're all losing weight on my behalf. Hopefully I'll be 144 by friday!! Thats the goal anyway! I'll see you all in a couple pounds!!!

xxxblakexxx

ssttla

Blah...

Finals Craziness..

Just a few more days ladies, I'll be back soon. We'll get swinging. It'll be great!

For real update coming soon!

Loves
xxxblakexxx

ssttla

Once Upon A Time...

There was a happy carefree girl that noticed nothing bad.

Then she met a boy who noticed everything.

Then she did too.

Then she was introduced to Ana, they became best friends. But Ana didn't like the way she looked, and convinced this girl that she'd be more successful if she lost a little weight, and a little more, and a little more... Repeating this mantra of more, more, more... Until that's all that consumes her thoughts. How can I lose more?

And she's trying.

But she's failing.

While she loathes around hating herself for it, the world keeps spinning, life goes on. She approaches new problems with the same positivity she's always had.. But in the end, just finds another disappointment.

I'm not a fan of the holiday season.

It just means another term is ending, and with another term coming to a close, more work to be done. An essay to be writing, stress is piling up and I'm afraid my happy face just won't last me. But all it has to do is make it through tonight. That's when Eli leaves for winter break. That's when I get to pack up all the food in the apartment. That's when I will have four weeks of the right thing going on. It's a pity that more than vacation, starving is what I'm looking forward to.

I feel like I'm sitting in a dark abyss, just waiting to be pulled out. Even though I know that I'm the only person that could drag me out. I'm still sitting. Waiting, for Ana to come save me.

I thought she was always supposed to come save me...

The doctor said....

"If the meds make you think suicidal thoughts, stop taking them, call me. And don't worry, because it's not you. It's the meds."

What if it isn't the meds, what if it's me, 100%?

What if I just don't think life has much to offer anymore?

What if I really think I'm always going to be this fat?

Worse.

What if I'm right?

I see my doctor tomorrow, it should be interesting... It always is.

Love you all, stay strong for me, I'll be back, I mean really back, in just another week and a half.

xxxblakexxx

Pretty is as Pretty Does...

I really hate eating... Now that's a lie, I hate how eating makes me feel. But I've learned that my birth control increases my appetite, so I'm off that now...

But I was having a bunch of side effects so that's not the only reasons, however a plus is that it should be easier to restrict now, thank goodness.

I feel bad for Eli sometimes, I know I stress him... I feel like maybe I should be struggling silently. I'm getting quieter, which is good. But he still sees me blog, still catches me reading things.

I know it's wrong, but I just can't help myself....


stay strong lovelies.

xxxblakexxx

Madness.

I'm so stressed....

But I have a new plan, and plans offer security... So I'm calm. Essentially, I've been eating fairly normally the past couple days, and my weight hasn't gone up. I've also been exercising, but the point is, because of where I'm at right now, I can exercise and easily even up my intake. So what I intend to do, is spend until winter break getting my weight lower. The healthy way, and then when my metabolism has sped up a bunch, and it's really easy to eat a whole bunch of bad food and still stay the same weight. Winter break will be here.

And I'll rip it all out from under me.

When break starts, I'm going to pack up all the food in the house that won't go bad. And I'm going to put it all in a box. And I'm going to tape the hell out of it. It will be inaccessible
for all of break. I will leave water, cabbage, and diet soda in the fridge. And rice and rice cakes in the cupboards. That's all I'll have, other than diet supplements. And I'm going to exercise even more when I'm not going to have class. Before and after work. Every shift. And the days I don't work will either be rest days or just days with one trip to the gym.

It should be so easy to drop some weight before Christmas if I do this. I need empowerment. I need to empower myself. I refuse to sit idly by, while I'm miserable about the way I look. I'm going to spend a few weeks getting more fit, and then a few weeks getting thin. Might transfer back and forth between the two over the next few months. But it should be easy when I'm all alone. Even when Eli and I go to bend with our friends (we'll call him E and her S), I can get up early and jog in the mornings. It won't be hard to exercise with more energy, I just need to give my body a break for a while. I know I can survive off of ice and sugar free syrup for two weeks easily, and that might be a goal for a while at the beginning of break. just to kick start everything.

I got my 'Big' at my sorority ! She was who I wanted and I think we'll have a lot of fun together...

These meds my doctor put me on are destroying me though. They are making me calm, but super anxious at the same time. And the feelings are so contradictory that I just am beside myself.

I should be getting the check from the insurance company today or tomorrow for my bike. =]

My new, new hard drive should be shipped out again in the next couple of days. Hopefully this one won't be corrupted.

I'm really excited to start my Christmas shopping! It's gonna be just fabulous!

I'm generally against bulimia as an alternative to simple food avoidance, however its becoming more and more appealing with as much as I've been eating.

OHH!!! The psych. Was Bat Shit Crazy. I'm not going back there. Not ever. EVER! She had that 'soothing' monotone, 'how do you feel about that?' sort of attitude. Which I just can't stand. Plus, all I have to do is keep myself out of trouble until my 18th birthday, which is only 9 or so months away. Then I can be as thin as I want, and my doctor, and my parents. Can do nothing.

Sorry for all the madness, the ability to write well seems to ebb and flow recently.

xxxblakexxx

But what about that 1%?

Where to even Begin? I suppose it must be troublesome to perceive what is happening in my mind, and why I don't just snap out of whatever it is, that impedes on my successful operation.

I myself, cannot quite understand what is happening up there-it has come to a point whereby I analyze myself with utter coherence on a theoretical level, but just miss the bus every time it comes around to pick me up, and push theory into action. Anorexia is an illness with such a plethora of preconceived, misguided, stigmas. Notably, it is inexorably linked with the concept of superficiality and affectedness, both of which I hope no on will come to tag me with, and both of which are so mistaken in my case.

Its hard to understand what happens in what seems to be a fully functional mind... Well it remains true that far from being tightly screwed on, this head of mine is actually pretty screwed up right now!

I am not in denial of my state (contrary to what seems generally to be a common factor in this disease), but I am neglectful of myself. It is impossible to say when or where it all began, but at one point in my happy and healthy life, I slipped the slender slop of confidence and headed down a dangerous trail of rigorous control, strict guidelines, and severe punishment.

I am trapped in thinking I am mastering a game where really, I am simply a rookie. 'Ana' as we so fondly call her(the twisted spirit that has snagged up my appetite for life, but not for a lifetime) will not let me be. 'She' takes over my sense and manages my existence in sly persuasion that I do not deserve to let go, have fun, or seize the day with all its fine opportunities and precious gifts.

I do realize that I am not fat. At least, I think I do. That almost makes things harder because it's all so upside down. When it comes to reaching targets though, things are not as simple as the resolutions I had taken, tend to suggest. For so long now, (exactly how long, and why, I cannot say for sure). I have attempted to exclude from my diet most 'fat' products, ie(butter, whole milk, lard). I have effectively become afraid of such foods. They are temptation., the enemy even. Taking the step to swallow anything from the list of excluded foods, such a frightening task though, I know, I really know I should.

It's like in the cartoons, when you have your little angel on your right shoulder and a little devil in flames on the other. One, telling me I have to get out of this fast, before I get worse, and that unless I pull myself together and get back into healthy eating habits. I will crash through the rabbit hole, and into a point of no return.

Yet another, restraining me, and although that devil on my left, surely, has no argument to reason with the angel on my right. And the angel should, in theory, have the power to be so much more persuasive, somehow that little devil, always succeeds in winning me over.

I have come to the stage where I am worried to tears when a meal is not prepared correctly(being the way I would like it to be) or worse, when my plate displays something I had not planned on, something I don't know the details of. The really inexplicable thing is that rarely am I hungry. Sometimes, I am. But I have no appetite, and I have such trouble in deeming whether what I'm eating is normal or not. Enough meals being had? Enough food being eaten? Little enough?

The goal was to feel fragile physically, but foremost I feel frail emotionally. Like a dog chasing it's tail, a spiral downward, I am not sure how much the upset mind drags the body down, versus the impact of my weight loss consequently has on my way of thought.

I feel vulnerable, I've been going out less an less. I partially blame my rigorous schedule and genuine exhaustion for this. I also can't even consider drinking alcohol like so many of my friends, I have to be the DD. I am afraid of the loss of control, and oh, the calories.

I am beginning to feel only 99% myself. I consider occasionally, not staying at college after this term, continuing to fool around with the part, the 1% that is lost. To cheat myself, and live only half the life I long to live. I could continue to pretend, but every beguiling detail is both unfair to me and anyone else, but will eventually cost me my life, and if not, then at least the occasion of perpetuating such existence. Someday, I would love so much to be a mother. But I'd love to finish childhood first. I'd love to finish something, anything, first.

I am going to finish this.

Enough of my thoughts...Here's a quick catch-up

It's been a mess of a couple weeks... I've also been having a bit of a hard time with everything... I still don't have my street bike back, and it's becoming a huge problem... It's more than I even have time to get into, but it's miserable and tiring that I just can't. I'll say there is some major prejudice in the motorcycle industry against women...

I see my doctor this afternoon, which is bound to suck. But I'm near the weight he wants me at right now, so it's not going to be the end of my world. Especially because this week I'm going to start changing things. I'm going to start exercising again... I'm healed enough at this point to push myself...

And my mother... UGH my mother. I'm telling her a story that involves Eli picking me up at one point (after the accident when I was just in bunches of pain) and she says
'Wait, he picked you up?'
'umm yeah'
'WOW! He must be really strong from all that construction...

Apparently I'm just that difficult to pick up... Those conversations among other things just have added to the piece of shit that is my life right now... Along with that I tried to talk to my dad, like my doctor recommended and that was just a mess, like a near panic attack mess. And I didn't really even tell him anything. He is just more fragile right now than I thought he was. He's also selling his motorcycle because of this whole thing with me...Which kills me, because he just loves it like no other. I know I'm not misunderstanding him, he specified that it was because of the current situation. I just can't stand being responsible for any lack in his happiness.

Now two more interesting topics, Drugs and cutting... Hah, I feel like I'm going to ruin my good girl image... Oh well... Drugs first, I smoked weed this last weekend with some friends, who took the opportunity to feed me, because they're concerned. That part, I really hated. However, the weed itself had me feeling really good. Better than I've been feeling for a while, I was sort of sleepy, but then i curled up in a blanket and I was just so warm. From the inside out, which almost never happens... Then there's the cutting... I've got scars on my arms... From previous, incidents with my ex. But they're from a while ago, that really isn't the point. The point is, in a really sick sort of way, I want to feel it again, It doesn't make anything better, I don't feel relief from it. It's just.... Distracting. It reminds me not to cry... Thing is, the last time there were cuts on my hip, Eli saw them. And he got me to say that I was going to try to not do it anymore. I'm just kind of unsure right now... I don't want to kill our relationship because of something 'stupid' but I also really need that distraction... It's a sick coping mechanism. However, it's my coping mechanism. My life is totally falling apart right now. And so am I, I just need to keep it all together...

Grade update;
Ballet: A
Biology: A
Women's Studies: A
Organic Chemistry: C-

I'm keeping some things together, but not oChem, not my family, not me, or anything else. And I have to, I have to exercise more. I'm going to get thinner. I'm done listening to my doctor. I'm done listening to everyone right now. This gets to be about me, this is my struggle. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to get there. And It's going to start now.

I'm sorry for the crazy length of this post. I'll try to update more often so nothing is as insane. I just wanted everyone all caught up!

xxxblakexxx

Stay Strong, Think Thin, Live Ana

Fuck Health Professionals.

I am so angry I can't even begin...

So I'll just leap into it.

They won't give me my medical records from my Uni, because maybe, just maybe the doctor isn't done with them, some two or three weeks after she wrote them. They will fax them to my doctor, but will not release them to me... (I have to authorize them to let my doctor receive the though) IRONY.

All I want to do is exercise... And tomorrow, that's most of what I will do. I have to study for a test, and write an essay, but the essay will be short and sweet, and I'm going to be at the gym for as long as possible. Fuck my doctors, fuck my parents. This is for me.

As the doctors appointment went, I weighed in at 144.8 from 154.2 six days before. Was I ecstatic? Most definitely. Was my Doctor? Most definitely not. He threatened hospitalization if I dip under 140 in the next three weeks haha. 140 He recommended I speak with my parents about my stress level... Blah, blah, blah. (I attempted to that night, took an hour and fifteen minutes of stress and sobbing and being told all my stress was my fault. However I still did not convey that ED is part of it. My mother wouldn't hear it anyway. This whole thing led me to a 3.5 mile run. =] Pushed exhaustion though...) I now have weekly 'weigh ins' with my doctor, for the next three weeks (since at the end of the three I have an appointment with a psych). If I dip below 140 even once, he calls my parents.

I'm going to do everything in my power to be under 140 as soon as possible. I'll also do my best not to let him know. But I won't let this stop me, thicker clothes, more water, etc. I'm not a huge fan of the idea, however at this point I need to be at least 18 for this to work. I'm not going to be forced into 'recovery' because they only think I have a problem. I have one, and I'm going to keep it.

Meanwhile, I'm ready to start fooling everyone else. Eli, I doubt is possible. But I'm going to try. But I'm done with food. I hate feeling like shit to satiate people. I do NOT deserve it.

Just wait until my 18th birthday. I'm going to say fuck it to all of them....

P.S. (this excludes Eli of course, as well as Phillip {who turned around}, Chiara who's my bestie, and Darcy{who is my soul sister =]})

Goooodbyyyee food. I don't need you anymore, from the moment Eli leaves tonight, it will be liquids until I see his face across the dinner table on sunday. And there will be exercise. Sick, amounts of exercise.

lovelies, keep emailing me. I'm having a really hard time right now.

xxxblakexxx

Stay strong, Think Thin, LIVE Ana

We will all be beautiful.

1 hour and 30 minutes... OH Shit.

Fantastic news on the Ana front, stepped on the scale naked last night to reveal 142...

By 20 minutes ago, (12:55pm) I was 143 with all my clothes on...

So I've been insanely successful, I'm sort of glad I chose to dump the ABC idea I had a while back, because I seem to do far better when I don't have a limit, but I just try to avoid food.

On the doctor front, the above-mentioned 143 will probably not make him as happy as it has made me, considering that even with my wallet and everything it's still a weight loss of around 6 pounds... Which I imagine could be considered unhealthy... ;]

It's a pity I feel so good. I mean, I'm exhausted and my stomach wont stop growling, but I'm feeling powerful.

Unfortunately, tonight is pizza night, since I'm working at the Pizza Parlor I'll be bringing one home, however I've been examining ingredients, and have been considering a (for me) half vegetarian [bell peppers, onions, artichoke] with low fat cheese, and (for Eli) half five meat with low-fat cheese. If I do that, two slices will put me at around 300 calories, which is never a bad number when you're eating pizza, unless its per slice haha.

It will be strange though, because it'll be solid. And I haven't had real solid food since saturday, and then all I had was a salad and some bread. But other than that it's been soup and water mostly. I'm looking forward to the pizza actually, I told myself I could have it after my doctors appointment, and then tomorrow is chinese chicken night, which I can make for around 200 cal for my serving, then It will be back to near nothing thurs &fri, and sat will be a fast since sunday I eat at Eli's parents with them and his brother as well. And it would be good for me to be hungry when I get there so I eat like a normal person in front of his brother... More on that later...

Tick tock... I'm getting really nervous... Eli is coming with me this time... Even said he'd like to be in the room. I'm not sure if I'm going to ask the doctor if it's okay, or if I'm going to just bring him in. I'll probably ask about it first though. STRESS. ugh, but it's going to be okay, he wont do anything, he'll just try and scare me again, if I get into the low 130s that's when he'll be concerned.. But I doubt he'd do anything extreme before hand.

Thank God.

I may be wrong, but I'm going to keep trying to convince myself.

Stay strong for me lovelies. It's going to be a really hard day.

xxxblakexxx

28 hours 30 minutes and counting...

Then I see my doctor...

Then he sees my weight.

Then he sees it's not above 150.

And I'm satisfied, but he's still 'Concerned'...

Then something happens. But I don't know what. And I am TERRIFIED.

I'll look at Eli, because he's going to try and come with me. He'll probably try to console me, but it probably wont work. And everything will change. I just don't know what the everything will be yet.

My god I'm craving a grilled cheese sandwich.

I really miss the days when it was as simple as grabbing the food that I wanted and eating it, before the number attached to the meal ruined my whole day. Before making it lower, ruled my life. Before I got a beautiful man involved in something dark and ruining. Before I decided I could never forgive myself for it.

Update: 146.5 lbs as of 7:30 this morning. Mayday, we have a problem.

On the one hand I'm sickly satisfied, but on the other I know that

this can be really damaging. I'm hoping that Eli can come actually, then he can ask the doctor any questions he has... Even if he's late, I just really hope he can. Maybe because I'd like some comfort, and maybe because I think it would make it easier if the doctor talked to him instead of my parents. Because he wont force me to change anything... And it would be wrong of him to try, it's too much responsibility.

I guess I'm just praying that if it comes to talking to someone, that my doctor will choose Eli instead because Then I'll be safe, I really just can't mentally deal with my parents being

involved. It'll only make things worse... Which I occasionally think will let me lose weight faster. But I'm not willing to chance their legitimate involvement.

I think of 146.5 and I just think, It could be lower, I could be thinner, I should have had less, I should have exercised. If for some unknown reason the scale says 144 .- when I wake up tomorrow I will be so satisfied, I'm keeping a mostly liquid diet until I am into the 130's it may be 138 but it's going to be there before I'm scarfing down any taco salad or anything.

I know I can do this, I am strong, I have willpower, I will be thin, and I will not let anything get in my way.

Today: Yogurt smoothie

total cal:125

Tonight I'm having cream of celery soup

total cal: 70

Day total:195

=D =D =D

But it could be less....

thin thin lovelies, it's SO attainable!

xxxblakexxx

Craziness

I'm so sorry for the absence lovelies. My life has been super stressful lately...

Quick update now, but I'll try and write something good before the weekend is over.

Went to the doctor on wednesday, I was weighed a little bit ehrm... heavy, (thank you wallet and cell phone and keys) you'd think they'd know better. But oh well, =] However, he looked at my weight (154.2 there) and told me that I had to be at or above 150 when I see him next tuesday...

There was an or else tone, but I don't know what it meant... And 150 is still clearly in the fat range, but he went on about the fact that I'm muscular and so 150 for me is like 130 for someone else... But still, my weight is going to drop before I get there on tuesday, I know it. I'm just afraid of what he wants to do, or the fact that I don't know what he wants to do.

Other than that I'm just in major pain, but my bosses both gave me next weekend off so I get to go the beach and also meet Eli's brother *feels special* I'm hoping it's going to be a good experience.

I'll update you all for real soon!

loves!

xxxblakexxx

stay strong, think thin, live, for yourself

Any takers?

UGHHHH....

FAT FAT FAT

We made cupcakes. REALLY YUMMY CUPCAKES.

So I've had two, in 24 hours. And I'm kicking myself for it. But I'm going to the gym in three short hours. And I'm going to be there until I drop a pound. I don't care if its water weight. I'm not leaving until 5:30 if I have to. (because I work at 6) I have my doctors appointment, and I've been letting go because of the look on Eli's face sometimes. It just feels like a punch in the stomach. I feel like a horrible person, and I just eat whatever he puts in front of me. I can't help it.

Luckily, my home scale has been nice and fluctuating between 145 and 147 so I'm not going to post any huge complaints for a while. haha I was 147.8 at the gym yesterday(before the cupcakes though... =[ ) I'm going to aim to be under 147.5 by the time I leave, but I don't know what weight I'll be at when I get there.

My appointment is next wednesday and starting on sunday I'm having only liquids until I tuesday night, and then I'm having nothing from 8pm until my appointment (Although I'm allowing 8 ounces of water if I'm totally dying). I'm downing a few diuretics and maybe a laxative, I need to get everything out of my system, I've worked too hard.

I just know that the next time I go, and the scales down some more that I'll be motivated again, I'll know that I'm wasting, that EVERYTHING is working. I'm going to start jogging at night, only if my homework is done. So that should mean I'll start getting my homework done more often. I can't let myself fail because I'm spending all my time thinking of calories, although it would be so easy... Sometimes I just wish I had a year to waste and then I could start school again without all the thinking.

I'm excited to be going to the gym, I just wish there was something I did on a regular basis that burned calories like crazy, like Eli, he goes on a bike ride and burns 2500 calories. It kills me. =[

I've been spacing on the concept that some people say we're genetically pre-disposed to be anorexic (or fucked up in general). That we can't help it, something happened when we were developing (too much coffee mom) that affected the way we process our body image. Others say we choose, they support the pro-ana "lifestyle" as a choice that anyone can make, and not as something that consumes much of every day. Personally, I don't know where I stand on this. I'm not sure if it's the simple black and white that everyone thinks it is. I feel that it's much more than a yay or nay, a pre-disposed or a choice. People don't seem to understand that even if someone 'chooses' this for themselves. It becomes a part of you that you can't ignore.

Game Plan: under 500 cal per day until Saturday night. Last day of energy drinks

Sunday under 500 of ALL liquids

Monday under 400 of All liquids

Tuesday under 300 or 400 of All liquids (before 8 pm)

Wednesday Nothing until weigh in at 2:30

This is a pretty basic idea, I'm going to stick to it best I can. On the first two liquid days I'm going to be fairly easy on myself as long as stay with only liquids, and away from carbonation.

Sunday will be pretty easy, I'm going to tell Eli that I am doing a liquid day and he'll probably do it with me. =] (WIN)

Monday will be slightly more difficult but it's likely I won't see him most of the day anyway, I'm going to class from 8-2 and then hopefully work until late. No monday night dinner at the sorority, no dinner with him. lots of liquids, and maybe a smoothie or a coffee drink on campus because it's going to be a harder day.

Tuesday I'm pretty sure will destroy me, especially because I have to be at the sorority at 6:30 which means I'll be around food. and I'm going to have a lot of homework as well. But as long as I get home before eight I'll probably make myself one more smoothie and then hit the gym. If I go exercise (it'd be like a walk on a treadmill) I'll give myself half a bottle of water, if not. Then I'm going to crash early and sleep a lot.

Wednesday will actually be easy, it wont be hard to avoid everything until 2:30 especially if I borrow Eli's car....

That's my game plan for the week. Any takers? I'd LOVE a buddy for this one. It's gonna give me some trouble I can feel it.

stay strong my lovelies

think thin, live ana

xxxblakexxx

Plans do make you feel secure... Or maybe it's Brainstorming?

148.1 at the gym, the number doesn't make me happy. But I was dressed, I had been drinking water, I hadn't exercised in a couple of weeks. And the scale at home, (the thing I usually go by) said 144 last night with no clothes on. All of this is definite progress. This means that I can hit 140 sometime next week if I really push it. (again, on my home scale with no clothes, that will constitute a four pound loss, which is what I'm the most concerned about, not so much the number, but the difference in numbers right now.) As long as I do this I'll be right on track for my doctors appointment, which have turned into motivation for everything rather than a detriment to my success.

I went and talked to the stupid doctor, that my general practitioner wanted me to see. Not happy. I do not like her at all. She's old and fat, and asks irrelevant questions and now I have to journal everything I eat, which I'm doing, and then I'm going to buy a notebook a couple days before I see her and I'm going to essentially write down a halved Eli diet. I'm just taking whatever he eats and halving it and writing it down to give her. Then she'll be like 'Oh, you should eat more, but you're doing fine, and you're really not exercising much.' =] Ahh, life is good.

I feel so positive right now, but what I really is to study my biology, find an organic chemistry tutor, and start exercising more regularly, as well as going to bed earlier. I'm going to add a To Do list to the side bar over there ==>

I'll start checking things off as I go, and it'll make it nicer to have it written out there for everyone to see. I think it will be more motivating.

Weight is going to melllllt.

I've ingested near as much as I'm going to for today, it's put me under 300 cal and I'm going to have a smoothie soon (thanks to phillip) who swore it will be completely sugar free. Which means when done the way I asked will be 10 cal =] [sugar free red-bull, sugar free flavored syrup, and ice] I'm trying to stay away from carbonation, but it wont be the end of the world. Plus it's gonna be the only carbonation I have before (saturday?) i'm pretty sure. Saturday will be a 30 cal energy drink just to get me through all my homework. Given, I'll eat, but I cope so much better when I'm not trying to restrict to zero. I'm just very specific of serving sizes. And I cut corners when I'm preparing things.

It's getting so easy, I think because I'm talking about it more with Eli. He almost cried the other night, but he knows I'm going to the doctor and he knows they can medically 'do more' than he can. Which opens up a lot for me. I am just so excited for christmas, I'm going to look so fantastic! =] Provided everything continues that way that it is. I'm pretty sure that I'm having at least a 1000 calorie deficit almost every day. However, if I can push that to 1500, I should lose around 3 pounds per week. which will give me around 5 more pounds before my doctors appointment, possibly a little less, but it's all good. It's enough to make a difference, and that's all I need, just a little bit thinner every day. I'm going to post pictures when I hit 135! So motivate me you guys and I'll start getting pictures up! After that I'm going to get up a picture every 5 pounds.

I've been thinking a lot, and I understand the fear that I'm going to restrict my way straight into the hospital... Sometimes though, I feel like that wouldn't be so bad. My parents having to know. Maybe they wouldn't push me so hard so much, maybe I could do better with everything without all the pressure. I know I shouldn't end up in the hospital, and I know I'm a really long way from getting there. But if i end up there, I don't know if its the end of my world. I feel like I have a different 'Ana' perspective there, I don't want to trick anyone when my weight gets that low, I'd gain a little, and then teeter there.

I guess I’m just to the point where I guess I don’t want to be seen as so capable, I want to be.. fragile. And I want to be helped. But not yet, not before I get there. I know that it’s flawed to want to be the weak one. And I know I won’t want to be weak like that forever, I just… For a little bit, don’t want to be so fucking responsible. I want to be taken care of a little bit, if that puts me in the hospital next summer, I don’t really care. Gaaah and It kills me, because I know it’s wrong, I know it’s flawed. But I’m so beyond coping. Then again, I feel like this may be partially stemmed by my lack of organic chemistry skill, and the fact that I have to get an A in it, to make it into med school.

THAT’S A LOT OF STRESS. Plus working, knowing I need to pay Phillip back around six hundred dollars. And knowing that I need to do that all before Christmas. Well, not technically, but I’d feel a hell of a lot better if I wasn’t buying Christmas presents while I owed him something. However I feel that it’s likely I’ll end up doing that, either that or I’ll pay him off and then get him something little, as his ‘christmas present’. On a side note, there’s this tool kit that I really know that Eli wants, its about 150 dollars but I feel that it could be a super cool present. I’ve already figured out what I’m getting Chiara, and whatever big I end up with in a sorority. =] Those gifts aren’t too expensive, but I’m going to put together sort of gift baskets.

I’m also going to start going through all of my clothes sometime in the next week. I’m going to sell everything I can, and send all the rest to goodwill. I’m hoping I can make some good cash towards paying phillip and decorating the apartment. =]

That’s the majority of what I have going on right now, I’m just trying to keep everything together, but next week will slow down a bit which is good. I’ll be exercising in the morning with Chiara and Phillip (around 6:30am) and then I’ll be able to exercise in the afternoons for a while.

Love you all!

xxxblakexxx