Sep 17, 2015

And no one notices.

I've slipped. It's magical.
 I'm down 13 pounds.

I've been better about the Adderall than I thought I would be. I'm only using it when I really need it. Which is good. Because Eli would definitely notice. Low doses really have an effect now and I talk a mile a minute.

Year 2 has started at school. There is so much work already and I'm just halfway through the first week. I haven't even been to all of my classes yet. But I can do this, I can focus and I want this. Badly.

I slipped up on my and Eli's trip to visit family last month. He saw a playlist on my phone that he shouldn't have. But I just wrote it off and he made me delete it. I did, but I have a new, better one now. I managed to hide the Adderall use from him on the trip and God, it really helped me control my eating. But I feel guilty about it.

He said the other night that he was so proud of me for stopping the Adderall use. That he knew that it was really hard and he was so glad I did it. I couldn't even say anything.
It was heartbreaking
Especially because I know he is going to find out eventually. It isn't the type of thing I can hide well once the dose increases. So I'm motivated to at least not use it everyday. I'm off it completely on the weekends when he and I spend all day together and I'm going to only try to use it on my long class days.

I know that ana has a tendency to come between relationships. But I hope that someday he can forgive me for this. Really, that's why I can do this. Because in the back of my head I know he will always forgive me. He will always be there for me. This is just a minor setback. I'm just hoping that I can get to my GW and then discontinue the use slowly. Maybe without him ever noticing. Hopefully.

I really love this man. I just can't believe he loves me too. It seems too improbable.


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