Sep 24, 2015

Not losing... Not gaining. Just desperation.

Wtf. I'm trying this workout program and meal plan… It is supposed to glean some really great results but there is so much food. There hasn't been a single day this week that I could eat everything on the meal plan.

I also saw a psych yesterday. I'm not totally sold on the whole idea but I have so much anxiety… I'm not talking to him about any Ana stuff. This is just about life stuff and school. But talking about feelings is better than eating them. So I'll keep seeing him once a week or so. Apparently I have adjustment disorder. Which I think is a kind way to say I am a complete control freak that cant handle changes I don't have complete power over... Shocker.

The second week of school and I haven't lost any more weight. But it has at least stayed constant at 149.

I still have at least 15 pounds to go though.

5 more by the end of October.

This has to happen. I'm so desperate


Sep 21, 2015

Fat Fuck.

This weekend was terrible. Eli and I had to go to a dinner with this event crew that I volunteer with. There was so much food that couldn't be avoided and once I started I couldn't fucking stop. Today hasn't been much better. I worked out for a while but I've been hoovering food down. I am so frustrated with myself. I just don't know what to do.

I need to stay out of the house and away from the food. I just can't really do that because I feel so awful for leaving my dog at home all day without activity but I get home and I'm so tired that I can't do anything. I've still gotten my workouts in but my activity is just low outside of that.

My stomach hurts so bad from all the fucking food.

stay stronger than me

Sep 18, 2015

15 pounds down...

I'm getting so high off this feeling. I had forgotten what it was like to lose like this.

I'm starting to see bones again. Just a little. But I am.

Problem: Eli comes home for the weekend tonight. The goal is just to not gain.
No more than 2 drinks per night and only if I've already worked out.
I also have a friend coming to visit probably, he's a sweetheart and knows about my Adderall use previously, as he had some addiction issues and I talked to him at the time so that I could hear from someone that understood what it was like to get off an addictive substance.

My real concern is that he'll notice that I'm not normal. It's hard to bounce meals off of people when they are both in the house with you. When I go to school, I ate before I came. When I get home, I ate at school. The thing is, I am still eating. Just not a lot.

Fuck the doctors who wouldn't help me because my weight was normal. I'll show them.

I know the weight loss is going to slow down soon. That scares me, that's when the real games begin. My own sicker version of the hunger games.

Can't worry about it if I'm working out. Off to the gym.

Have a good day/weekend lovelies, I'll likely be back when Eli goes back to work.


Sep 17, 2015

And no one notices.

I've slipped. It's magical.
 I'm down 13 pounds.

I've been better about the Adderall than I thought I would be. I'm only using it when I really need it. Which is good. Because Eli would definitely notice. Low doses really have an effect now and I talk a mile a minute.

Year 2 has started at school. There is so much work already and I'm just halfway through the first week. I haven't even been to all of my classes yet. But I can do this, I can focus and I want this. Badly.

I slipped up on my and Eli's trip to visit family last month. He saw a playlist on my phone that he shouldn't have. But I just wrote it off and he made me delete it. I did, but I have a new, better one now. I managed to hide the Adderall use from him on the trip and God, it really helped me control my eating. But I feel guilty about it.

He said the other night that he was so proud of me for stopping the Adderall use. That he knew that it was really hard and he was so glad I did it. I couldn't even say anything.
It was heartbreaking
Especially because I know he is going to find out eventually. It isn't the type of thing I can hide well once the dose increases. So I'm motivated to at least not use it everyday. I'm off it completely on the weekends when he and I spend all day together and I'm going to only try to use it on my long class days.

I know that ana has a tendency to come between relationships. But I hope that someday he can forgive me for this. Really, that's why I can do this. Because in the back of my head I know he will always forgive me. He will always be there for me. This is just a minor setback. I'm just hoping that I can get to my GW and then discontinue the use slowly. Maybe without him ever noticing. Hopefully.

I really love this man. I just can't believe he loves me too. It seems too improbable.