Sep 30, 2011

When You're Broken

I apologize in advance... I'm just so scattered.

Months and Years, time and talk. Still though, I'm followed by this demon. I just can't escape.

My dark passenger, I've begun to think I enjoy the show Dexter as much as I do because I see the same darkness in his character. Just portrayed differently.

Everything is just as planned, everything just how i need them. How I saw them in my head. I'm getting thinner, running faster, spinning... spinning. More involved within my sorority. But I'm broken.

I'm damaged.

I saw an old friend, J today. She and I talked about horses, well she talked. I listened. It made me realize how much I missed my own horses. I wish I could go back in time, and just spend a little bit more time with them. Maybe not focused on school so much. Just taken that extra time. Just a little bit.

I'll never be the same without horses, they were so much a part of me.

And then, of all things. To see Dick tonight, after all this time. The icing on my fucking cake.

I don't know why seeing him hit me so hard. I don't like him as a person, he wasn't even a great friend. He always made me feel awful about myself, 
     That may be all this is.
So why do I feel so rejected? We didn't even talk.

Like I still have to impress him, gain his approval. Of what?

Regardless, I feel so godawful. I'm not okay.
But I know tomorrow will roll around, like nothing has happened. The world will just keep spinning around me. I'll smile, pretend the world is flowers and cotton candy. I'll go about everything just as a should. Participate in my never-ending act.

But I'm broken. In a million little pieces.
And worse yet.

Knowing I have to pick up all those stupid little pieces. On my own. When I could really use the help.

But I won't be weak. I'm not going to compromise my facade for support. When It's something I know I can power through.

It will just take some determination.
Not Something I Lack
But something I'm very tired of.

I'm sick of trying so hard, and getting so little.

I'm trying, but I can't hold on anymore. I think.
I'm just so broken.
But I hear there's Beauty in the Breaking...

I know I need to believe in myself. I just don't have it. The will. The magic.
No fairy dust can fix this. I'm sure though, Chiara will eventually ask if I'm okay, and I'll lie.
-Like I Should

No one will know what I'm holding back. They can't. A burden too heavy to carry.

It's harder to see pain through a mask. I'll do this. I'll paint it on. A concrete angel. Stone cold emotion. What emotion? 


I'll be an angel for everyone. Everyone but me that is. For me...

 I'll be concrete.

CW 134.8


  1. Ahhh sorry to hear you're having a shit time. But on the whole school thing - I have been at law school for a long time now and it is just a sacrifice that you make for the time you are there, and then life comes back to you. You will have time to get back with your horses, just stay strong and determined :) :). You can do this! Xo Xo

  2. You I and life. The horses. The jaded glasses-- we'll get through this together. I cry myself to sleep when I think about how much simpler it all was when we were in middle school. When we met--how all the plans looked so perfect. Then life happened, and sometimes, I wish it hadn't.

    Take care <3