May 19, 2011

'Can't get no-Satisfaction.'

That statement isn't entirely true. Although I haven't continued to lose this week like I'd hoped, I'm also staying steady, even with having to eat a whole bunch of nastiness. And that, as we all know. Is far better than gaining. I've been staying consistently 148.2-.6

I am actually pleased with this. Provided all goes as planned, that means I'll be around 146 by Friday of next week, and 144 Friday of the week after. If I am REALLY lucky I will be 142 by the 10th of June (Eli's Birthday) and if so, I'm sure I'll feel proud enough to make it a memorable night. ;)

I'm absolutely dying with how slow my progress is, but it's also been offering me more leeway in terms of fuck ups like smoothies. Or drama like seeing my mother tonight.  I'm trying to be okay with slow, steady progress. I really would gladly not eat for a month if I knew for sure I'd be at my goal weight at the end of it. However, the human body doesn't work like that. And I am well aware. So for now, slow and steady will have to win the race.

A plus to all this, I know it'll be easier to lose in the summer. I'll have about two weeks from Eli moving back home, to Phillip moving in, which I intend to take full advantage of since I'm pretty sure the first few days of Phillip being there will be like a never ending food fest =[

After that, he agreed to run and swim with me until my birthday in august, when my lease is up and I have to live with my parents until school starts. MAJOR tramaruama. But at that point, my parents will have been convinced I'm training for that marathon. And I'll be safe in saying their food isn't healthy enough for me to eat.

Also with any extra luck, I'll get to lifeguard a bit or teach swim lessons, which is exercise I'm getting paid for. And even if I don't work, I'm still technically an employee so I get free access to the gym. My honest goal at this point is to be anywhere in the 130s by my 18th birthday, It's a number I haven't seen in years and it would be a great gift to myself I think. Also not too quick of weight loss, I'm trying to set easier goals for the time being so I'm pleasantly surprised when I surpass them, and not morbidly depressed when I fall short, and fat.

On top of everything, I feel really... Off, it's impossible to describe really, and I know everyone has felt it once or twice. But it isn't going away like it should. One minute I feel strong and energetic, and the next weak and sluggish. I can focus, which is good. But I don't feel like me. I feel sick, and not in the usual way.

Tic.      Toc.

That's The Sound of My Life Running Out.


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