May 31, 2011

Fasting Day 2, Success.

I was gone almost all day today. Therefore I didn't see much of Eli. Therefore I didn't need to eat. At all.


Was just water, and 30 calories of diet raspberry ice tea.
1 hour of cardio.

life is so good right now!

I saw a lower number on the scale today, but I don't want to believe it until it sticks around! It is by no means a new low weight, but it's motivating nonetheless. I feel like I'm bouncing back. ^.^

I'm not setting a goal for fasting because I've noticed when I do, and I don't make it, I have a tendency to give up for quite a while. So to avoid that, it's until I can't. Which could be tomorrow, or not until friday. I don't know. But you'll all hear when I do thats for sure!

On that note, despite not wanting to set a goal... Such a big part of me would just love to fast until I saw 139.0 or even 140

I just don't want to be greedy. But gosh. it would be amazing.

Wish me luck! Chances are I'll need it! And all the support and motivation I can get!

stay strong with all your endeavors!
I'll post again soon

May 30, 2011

The weekend is ending! :(

The three-day weekend is coming to a close, I've had the opportunity to enjoy the not so great weather, lots of homework, and a sick boyfriend... 

It hasn’t been the greatest, but it was much needed. I accomplished a lot that I’d hoped to…

I was hoping to fast today, and I managed to make it through the majority of the day with nothing. But then I started getting that familiar look… The eyebrow raise… ‘you said you ate already?’

OH YES! I woke up a couple hours earlier than you completely famished!

That worked… For about eight hours.

I could tell it wasn’t going to keep working, so when he was on the phone I grabbed an apple and a peach and chopped it up so that I was just finishing it when he came back in…

Problem solved.
Not a fast, but less than 100 calories anyway. Go me

I can’t wait for summer, I eat so much less when he isn’t around as much…


Enjoy the movies!

This is What Happens When I'm Bored...

*Anorexia documentaire part 1 (type that in, its really good, for some reason it has english subtitles when its actually an english programme)
*The Truth About Online Anorexia
*Race to Size Zero 
*My 22 stone Dad and skinny me BBC
*Supersize vs Superskinny
*Im a Child anorexic
*Dana the eight year old anorexic 
*Anorexia clinic Rhodes Farm (this is an older documentary filmed at the same place as the above two)
*Desperately Hungry Housewives BBC (good for adults)
*Am I normal BBC
*Im a Boy anorexic
*Superskinny Me (same as race to size zero?)
*Dying to be anorexic (some of the people in this really annoyed me :/)
*anorexia docu part 1 of 4 (has subtitles)
*Check out "osnapski" on youtube, she does great recovery videos (for some stupid reason I find them triggering :/)
*check out "aaroncohen". She did loads of fasts and recorded them all, however she did do them for religious reasons 
* Anorexia - Girl Part 1 (type that in and its the 15year old girl, katie i think shes called)
*Living with size zero
*Too Much Too Young - Teen Body Obsession Part 1
*Freaky Eaters (just people with strange eating habits, not related to ED'S)
*Truth about Size Zero
*Samantha Kendell 

*Sharing the secret 
*Dying to Dance 
*Centre Stage 
*A Secret Between Friends
*The Karen Carpenter Story 
*Hunger Point
*The best little girl in the world 
*Little Girls in Prety Boxes
*For the Love of Nancy
*Secret life of mary margaret (bulimia)
*Sharing the Secret
*Perfect Body
*Slender Existence
*Kate's Secret
*A Girl is A Girl
*Perfect Illusions
*Catherine-Also Known as An Anorexics Tale: The Brief Life of Catherine
*Skins, Cassie
*Dr Phill Deadly Thin/Dr Phill Scary Skinny
*Hollyoaks Hannah and Melissa
*Neighbours, Ringo 
*Tracey Gold on Oprah
*Degrassi, Emma 
*Tyra Banks Extreme Dieting/ Tyra Enters an Eating Disorder Clinic/ Tyra Banks Girls Want To Be Skinny/ Tyra Banks - Mother Daughter Body Image Issues 
*A&E intervention Kim
*Home and Away Jade (bulimia)

These are some things to check out, I've spent a good portion of my weekend on this. I hope everyone enjoys!!

May 28, 2011

A break...

No job, no real work to do. I'm relaxed for the first time in a long time. My parents are coming to visit later, and I'm even looking forward to it.

I really needed this. I can't believe this school year is almost over!


Stay Strong

May 20, 2011



WAY ahead of schedule, I am pretty sure getting to 144 is going to be much harder though so I'm not switching up my schedule.

Oddly, I feel way bloated and generally gross. But I'm going to get there. 142 142 142 142. June tenth.

Three Weeks. Four Pounds. If I don't make it. I'm a fatass.


May 19, 2011

'Can't get no-Satisfaction.'

That statement isn't entirely true. Although I haven't continued to lose this week like I'd hoped, I'm also staying steady, even with having to eat a whole bunch of nastiness. And that, as we all know. Is far better than gaining. I've been staying consistently 148.2-.6

I am actually pleased with this. Provided all goes as planned, that means I'll be around 146 by Friday of next week, and 144 Friday of the week after. If I am REALLY lucky I will be 142 by the 10th of June (Eli's Birthday) and if so, I'm sure I'll feel proud enough to make it a memorable night. ;)

I'm absolutely dying with how slow my progress is, but it's also been offering me more leeway in terms of fuck ups like smoothies. Or drama like seeing my mother tonight.  I'm trying to be okay with slow, steady progress. I really would gladly not eat for a month if I knew for sure I'd be at my goal weight at the end of it. However, the human body doesn't work like that. And I am well aware. So for now, slow and steady will have to win the race.

A plus to all this, I know it'll be easier to lose in the summer. I'll have about two weeks from Eli moving back home, to Phillip moving in, which I intend to take full advantage of since I'm pretty sure the first few days of Phillip being there will be like a never ending food fest =[

After that, he agreed to run and swim with me until my birthday in august, when my lease is up and I have to live with my parents until school starts. MAJOR tramaruama. But at that point, my parents will have been convinced I'm training for that marathon. And I'll be safe in saying their food isn't healthy enough for me to eat.

Also with any extra luck, I'll get to lifeguard a bit or teach swim lessons, which is exercise I'm getting paid for. And even if I don't work, I'm still technically an employee so I get free access to the gym. My honest goal at this point is to be anywhere in the 130s by my 18th birthday, It's a number I haven't seen in years and it would be a great gift to myself I think. Also not too quick of weight loss, I'm trying to set easier goals for the time being so I'm pleasantly surprised when I surpass them, and not morbidly depressed when I fall short, and fat.

On top of everything, I feel really... Off, it's impossible to describe really, and I know everyone has felt it once or twice. But it isn't going away like it should. One minute I feel strong and energetic, and the next weak and sluggish. I can focus, which is good. But I don't feel like me. I feel sick, and not in the usual way.

Tic.      Toc.

That's The Sound of My Life Running Out.


May 13, 2011

Finally losing...

This was an email I sent to my lovely buddy Sammy earlier today =] It explains things best at the moment.

"I'm in fucking love with adderall. I've been eating like a meal a day. (only when I have to eat with brett) and I was 147.0 in my pjs after bathroom this morning. It felt good. really. good. I know they say weight loss fuels more weight loss, and I'm realizing now that it is very very true. I just want to keep going. I feel as if I'm high, which is a much better high than the kind that makes me eat. The only issue is when they put you on adderall they start tracking your weight a bit because they don't want you to lose too fast. (common side effect) so I have to keep my weight steady through the next month. and by that of course, I mean i have to water load a shit ton before I go. It's so silly to do that when I'm still fat. But when I go again (june 8th) I'm going to have to, and them I'm going to mention that I've started training for a half marathon (13.1 miles/21.09km in case you didn't know :P )

And then they'll expect my weight to drop, so I'll have a gorgeous excuse and then when they watch my weight go down, along with my mile times. And I get to tell them that I can run so far. And I'm feeling SO good, so healthy, and its awesome now I can eat EVERYTHING, ALL THE TIME. And I never ever have to worry like my friends do. Tell them I'm spending too much money on cheesecake, and ask them if I should still be careful about having too much sugar even though I'm running. Or if I can just do anything I want/whatever makes my body feel right. And they'll be sold. They'll even compliment the loss over time. Tell me they're looking forward to seeing my race results. 

I'll be so thin. and they'll be SO supportive. I can even go so far as to asking who I should talk to about getting a diet that offers the most fuel for my racing. I'm going to fucking sell this. Everyone will be so proud. it's sick...
I'm very happy right now. Felt to good to get out of the 150s even after partying two nights in a row. maybe its all the dancing. I might be doing myself a favor. hahahha"

I'm participating in relay for life tonight, where I'm going to be walking for two hours straight, should be around 5 miles. =] Hopefully I'll be 147 when I wake up. I am kind of afraid I'll gain. Really, there's no reason I should. I only had carrot sticks(75) and nonfat ranch dip(20) today, plus a sugar free rockstar(30). and I'm going to be walking so I'll definitely be negative... But I'm so afraid of gaining. I just can't let it happen.

I won't be able to run tomorrow, and I'll have to eat. =[ But i'll also be partying and dancing for hours. Thank god.

I just want to be 146 by monday. it's only 1 pound. No reason I can't achieve it. How's all your progress ladies?

keep me posted lovelies

May 12, 2011

SOON! I promise!

Good blog post coming soon you guys! I'll update you on everything, just got to make it through todays classes first


stay strong

May 3, 2011

Playing Catch Up...

And it isn't going so well. I have a midterm in an hour and a half so i can't really write all that much. I'll give you all a few updates to motivate however, and as soon as midterms are over I'll whip out a real blog post. Maybe even before!

-My weight was 150.5 on one of those old fashioned manual scales yesterday, this was even after breakfast. =] =] =] =] I'm very happy about that. Creeping downward.
-Couldn't borrow any of my friends clothes last night because they were ALL too big. She's an inch shorter than me. =]
-Homework and make-ups from being gone all last week is totally physically and mentally destroying me.
-Eli and I have been together a blissful ten months today =] I feel like I'm in high school thinking about months like that, but he brings out the kid in me sometimes. It's nice to know I can be goofy and sentimental without being made fun of haha!

-Been working on a new form of restricting. I'm still, and always will be, painfully aware of the caloric content of things. However I've been measuring things more as 'half of this', 'a quarter of that', and it's a lot better. Not relying on a number to define my day. And my weight is dropping, slow but sure...
-Whipped out the Ana playlist again. It feels good to be back. =]
-I miss emailing everyone like mad! But life is what it is! I promise I'll get back to the few i haven't managed to get a little message to!

These are the main accomplishments/goings on for the time being. Off to be responsible and study for my midterm! Wish me luck!!!

Love you all