Nov 8, 2010

But what about that 1%?

Where to even Begin? I suppose it must be troublesome to perceive what is happening in my mind, and why I don't just snap out of whatever it is, that impedes on my successful operation.

I myself, cannot quite understand what is happening up there-it has come to a point whereby I analyze myself with utter coherence on a theoretical level, but just miss the bus every time it comes around to pick me up, and push theory into action. Anorexia is an illness with such a plethora of preconceived, misguided, stigmas. Notably, it is inexorably linked with the concept of superficiality and affectedness, both of which I hope no on will come to tag me with, and both of which are so mistaken in my case.

Its hard to understand what happens in what seems to be a fully functional mind... Well it remains true that far from being tightly screwed on, this head of mine is actually pretty screwed up right now!

I am not in denial of my state (contrary to what seems generally to be a common factor in this disease), but I am neglectful of myself. It is impossible to say when or where it all began, but at one point in my happy and healthy life, I slipped the slender slop of confidence and headed down a dangerous trail of rigorous control, strict guidelines, and severe punishment.

I am trapped in thinking I am mastering a game where really, I am simply a rookie. 'Ana' as we so fondly call her(the twisted spirit that has snagged up my appetite for life, but not for a lifetime) will not let me be. 'She' takes over my sense and manages my existence in sly persuasion that I do not deserve to let go, have fun, or seize the day with all its fine opportunities and precious gifts.

I do realize that I am not fat. At least, I think I do. That almost makes things harder because it's all so upside down. When it comes to reaching targets though, things are not as simple as the resolutions I had taken, tend to suggest. For so long now, (exactly how long, and why, I cannot say for sure). I have attempted to exclude from my diet most 'fat' products, ie(butter, whole milk, lard). I have effectively become afraid of such foods. They are temptation., the enemy even. Taking the step to swallow anything from the list of excluded foods, such a frightening task though, I know, I really know I should.

It's like in the cartoons, when you have your little angel on your right shoulder and a little devil in flames on the other. One, telling me I have to get out of this fast, before I get worse, and that unless I pull myself together and get back into healthy eating habits. I will crash through the rabbit hole, and into a point of no return.

Yet another, restraining me, and although that devil on my left, surely, has no argument to reason with the angel on my right. And the angel should, in theory, have the power to be so much more persuasive, somehow that little devil, always succeeds in winning me over.

I have come to the stage where I am worried to tears when a meal is not prepared correctly(being the way I would like it to be) or worse, when my plate displays something I had not planned on, something I don't know the details of. The really inexplicable thing is that rarely am I hungry. Sometimes, I am. But I have no appetite, and I have such trouble in deeming whether what I'm eating is normal or not. Enough meals being had? Enough food being eaten? Little enough?

The goal was to feel fragile physically, but foremost I feel frail emotionally. Like a dog chasing it's tail, a spiral downward, I am not sure how much the upset mind drags the body down, versus the impact of my weight loss consequently has on my way of thought.

I feel vulnerable, I've been going out less an less. I partially blame my rigorous schedule and genuine exhaustion for this. I also can't even consider drinking alcohol like so many of my friends, I have to be the DD. I am afraid of the loss of control, and oh, the calories.

I am beginning to feel only 99% myself. I consider occasionally, not staying at college after this term, continuing to fool around with the part, the 1% that is lost. To cheat myself, and live only half the life I long to live. I could continue to pretend, but every beguiling detail is both unfair to me and anyone else, but will eventually cost me my life, and if not, then at least the occasion of perpetuating such existence. Someday, I would love so much to be a mother. But I'd love to finish childhood first. I'd love to finish something, anything, first.

I am going to finish this.

Enough of my thoughts...Here's a quick catch-up

It's been a mess of a couple weeks... I've also been having a bit of a hard time with everything... I still don't have my street bike back, and it's becoming a huge problem... It's more than I even have time to get into, but it's miserable and tiring that I just can't. I'll say there is some major prejudice in the motorcycle industry against women...

I see my doctor this afternoon, which is bound to suck. But I'm near the weight he wants me at right now, so it's not going to be the end of my world. Especially because this week I'm going to start changing things. I'm going to start exercising again... I'm healed enough at this point to push myself...

And my mother... UGH my mother. I'm telling her a story that involves Eli picking me up at one point (after the accident when I was just in bunches of pain) and she says
'Wait, he picked you up?'
'umm yeah'
'WOW! He must be really strong from all that construction...

Apparently I'm just that difficult to pick up... Those conversations among other things just have added to the piece of shit that is my life right now... Along with that I tried to talk to my dad, like my doctor recommended and that was just a mess, like a near panic attack mess. And I didn't really even tell him anything. He is just more fragile right now than I thought he was. He's also selling his motorcycle because of this whole thing with me...Which kills me, because he just loves it like no other. I know I'm not misunderstanding him, he specified that it was because of the current situation. I just can't stand being responsible for any lack in his happiness.

Now two more interesting topics, Drugs and cutting... Hah, I feel like I'm going to ruin my good girl image... Oh well... Drugs first, I smoked weed this last weekend with some friends, who took the opportunity to feed me, because they're concerned. That part, I really hated. However, the weed itself had me feeling really good. Better than I've been feeling for a while, I was sort of sleepy, but then i curled up in a blanket and I was just so warm. From the inside out, which almost never happens... Then there's the cutting... I've got scars on my arms... From previous, incidents with my ex. But they're from a while ago, that really isn't the point. The point is, in a really sick sort of way, I want to feel it again, It doesn't make anything better, I don't feel relief from it. It's just.... Distracting. It reminds me not to cry... Thing is, the last time there were cuts on my hip, Eli saw them. And he got me to say that I was going to try to not do it anymore. I'm just kind of unsure right now... I don't want to kill our relationship because of something 'stupid' but I also really need that distraction... It's a sick coping mechanism. However, it's my coping mechanism. My life is totally falling apart right now. And so am I, I just need to keep it all together...

Grade update;
Ballet: A
Biology: A
Women's Studies: A
Organic Chemistry: C-

I'm keeping some things together, but not oChem, not my family, not me, or anything else. And I have to, I have to exercise more. I'm going to get thinner. I'm done listening to my doctor. I'm done listening to everyone right now. This gets to be about me, this is my struggle. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to get there. And It's going to start now.

I'm sorry for the crazy length of this post. I'll try to update more often so nothing is as insane. I just wanted everyone all caught up!


Stay Strong, Think Thin, Live Ana


  1. Oh babe, those thoughts are somehow terrifying and yet so beautifully written.
    You can do this, okay? Keep things together, head towards the goal and if you ever need any support...
    You know where to find me. :)

  2. Thanks, =) I'm having a bit of a hard time at the moment, you ever email?