When I was visiting my parents with Darcy and Eli, I only ate about half of a salad when we all went out to dinner. My dad pulled me aside later that night and apologized for the fact that he overfed me as a child, and that because of what he did, he feels responsible for the way I eat (or don't). That's a whole ball of emotion that I can't even deal with at the moment... But that's not the important part...
The important part is this...
I sort of... Overdosed on ephedra when Phillip and I took Darcy to the airport, I was super exhausted and I just popped one too many, paired with an energy drink...
Aside from that, I hadn't eaten much of anything, a skimpy meal to a normal person if you ask me, hah. What makes me really horrible, is that even though it was scary, and I was so cold that I couldn't stop shaking... It felt, good? Empowering? I'm not sure, it was calming in a way, and I don't know if it was because my heart was beating so fast it was ready to stop, or If I genuinely enjoyed how out of control I felt... But it made me feel like my hard work was paying off...
Phillip took me to a 24 hour restaurant and bought me tea and toast, I could only stomach a quarter of one piece of toast, I just couldn't do it... Which was weird, I figured I'd be craving food like no other, but I really just didn't want it..
This is just a willpower game... I won't be the weak one..
I am stronger than my hunger, everyone is, they just don't use any willpower to actually accomplish anything. That's why the United States inhabits a whole bunch of obese people, we're all just spineless... And I intend for that to stop, I'm going to straighten up, and soon everyone will be able to see that spine...
Even that though, isn't the real story here... The real story is about Eli, he text Phillip, and they talked too much, he made it seem like way too big of a deal, then again, maybe he didn't. However, now Eli wants to talk to me.
"I'm so confused."
'What do you mean?
"Why are you doing this to yourself?"
'I don't even know anymore...'
"I really want to talk about it this weekend."
'What do you mean you want to talk about it?'
"I'm really concerned, and I just want to talk about it."
'Why are you concerned? I'm fine, I just got over tired.'
"It wasn't just over tired."
`Haha, If he's worrying, then you're finally doing it right, you stupid fat-ass.'
You really think so?
`Yes, your body feels it, Just wait for it to show it. Keep the fridge empty, and your thoughts strong... You can beat everyone.'
Thing is, I know he won't make me change, He'll encourage a change, but he won't make it happen. He can't and he knows it, or he thinks that anyway... Which I find funny, because he has a greater influence than anyone else. I just have to keep calm, and remember that I am stronger than this, that this is about my willpower. And I won't let anyone take it from me. Because I deserve to be in complete control.
The fridge is pretty much empty, Almonds, cranberries, water, an occasional energy bar, and one slice of cheese chopped up and eaten throughout the day. Plus whatever juice I happen to consume at work, I'm going to bounce around with calories. Even if I mess up one day, I'm going to stick to the plan of up, down, up, down, down. If it's a down day, and I go up, but I'm supposed to go up the next day, I'll still go up the second day, because It can't hurt me that bad, and plus I'm going to try and keep it under 1000 on the up days. Thinking about allowing a binge day per week, around 1800 calories (my BMR) just so I can eat a bunch, feel miserable, and be ready for the next week...
This will be so much easier when school starts. So much better, Eli and I will be exercising all the time. He's such an enabler, and he doesn't even know it. In fact he's probably more motivational than anyone else....
Till next time ladies,
Let me know how you all are doing,
I'm going to try and get on here a bit more often.
Miss you all!
Stay Strong, Think Thin, Live Ana