Adderall... I'm bAck

I emailed my doctor today.
I thought I could do it without the adderall, I thought I could handle school, life, and everything else.

But I can't, well. I can. But I can't get skinny doing it too.

This way I can. This is the focus that I need. No more struggling to do an assignment I can do on adderall in 2 hours, what would normally take me 8...

I can't wait for that fix. I hate myself a little bit for this. I worked so hard to stop this. To get away from this and feel like myself again. But it isn't actually worth it to me anymore.


xxblake

Thigh Gap

 A friend on facebook posted a long rant about how she wanted one.

I've had one. I want it back.

After this IRONMAN I had actually been feeling pretty empowered. I felt really good about what I had accomplished and what I was still capable of doing...

TRIGGER.

Insert her facebook rant. She's never had a thigh gap that cost her. I have. She was just thinner at the time and now she overeats. I worked so hard for mine, I gave up so much. Friends, Grades, my Health. Now I have all of those things and I found out yesterday that I received a 1k scholarship. 

But one facebook post from a girl I don't even respect, invalidates all of that. Because I don't have a thigh gap. But I could get one faster than her.

I'm bouncing between what will facilitate doing another ironman and what will get me skinny fastest.

With a trip to cali starting saturday to see Eli's brother (and his wife), whom happens to just be a wisp of a person that makes me feel like an absolute balloon, the timing really couldn't be worse.

Here come the bad decisions.

xxblake

IRONMAN

I am an IRONMAN!

3.8km Swim, 180km Bike, 42.2km Run.
I have never finished something so difficult in my life.

I am proud of myself, and I'm scared too.

I know that training for this thing has kept me eating normally, because of needing energy to train and without that I don't feel the same control.

I've started training for another one rather than face the fact that I can't eat right if I stop training.

I've managed to convince Eli that another one might actually be a good idea. Only this one is in September... So it's really soon, and it's known to be one of the hardest in north america.

Talk about a lapse in judgement.

stay strong
xxblake