Stay Strong

I am so stressed. Everything is just falling apart. I want to cut. I want to scream and starve and slam my head into a wall. But I have no time to throw a fit.

Stay strong ladies.
Stay strong for me.
xxxblakexxx

Fast with Me?

This has been a fatass weekend. I mean, up until last night It wasn't too bad. But I effed it over. My puppy was up sick half the night and I kept finding myself in the kitchen. Ugh

Its okay though (not really), tomorrow I fast, then I only eat with my parents on tuesday night, and then I fast on wednesday.

I'll feel light again. I can't wait until I am light.

xxxblakexxx

New House.

It's beautiful.

and I'm fat.

I don't deserve to be here.. Fuck my life.

But I finally feel at home. Two more years until I move again.

Oh,

and I have space to exercise without being bothered, as well as a fenced back yard.
FUCK. YES.

this girl is just phenomenal to me. fucking thinspo

xxxblakexxx

Why you no like?

My fingers are purple. It's almost 70 degrees outside and I'm curled up in a hoodie and jeans. Eli looks at me like I'm nuts. I'm not sure this should come as any surprise to him.

I'm drowning in mass amounts of homework. And I'm moving tomorrow/all this week. I'm excited about the place. It's an actual house, and I won't have to move for two more years. But I'm so damn tired!

And hungry
kind of.

I mean, I had went for a run and then had a little bit of pineapple and blueberries (70cal) and now I'm working on a cherry coke zero. But there is this damn cliff bar taunting me. I have class until 9pm tonight so I know I'll need it at some point just to stay focused. But if I eat it, then I lose control... And I don't want to lose control.

I've ballooned up to 139.2 lbs and I hate it. I have a billion goals, but the current focus is my sororities house dance at the end of next week. I will be down to 135 by then. I'm determined.

Then my weight will lower... I'm not sure how fast it'll happen. But it will.

Keep focused on your goals. They aren't out of reach.





 xxxblakexxx

Close, but No Cigar.

Thank god.
I came so close to opening up to a friend of mine last night. He seemed like he genuinely cared. Brought up a couple of things about my weight, mentioned that he really liked me when I looked healthy freshman year of uni. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to talk to him.

The good news is,
I didn't.

I convinced myself that if right now felt good. So would another time. I'm glad I did. Because by the end of the night he showed me what an immature boy he still is. I can tell he still likes me too. But he came very close to crossing the line with me and that just pissed me off. He knows I have a boyfriend, and he said he respects that even though it bums him out. But there is just something about the way he acted last night...

It was subtle, but it wasn't right and I didn't like it.

Felt like I was being hit on.

And that makes my skin crawl.




I don't know what it is about the possibility of being attractive to someone that freaks me out... I mean, Eli thinks I'm attractive. I KNOW that (I don't know why, but...) It just makes me sick, and nervous.

Eli actually asks if he can take my shirt off when we have sex. He asks if I'd be too cold without it, I nearly always say yes but we both know it's not about the temperature. I know its pathetic, my boyfriend asks to take my shirt off like he's asking someone to 'please pass the butter'. I mean, this is sex for chrissake!

I feel like pounding my head against a wall. I won't though, no time for that.
I'm just frustrated with life and myself, and I'm scared of the future even though it will all work out.

I'm scared of everything, because that's who I am, and who I'll always be.

 xxxblakexxx

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Or Cinco de Drinko... ;)

As with any holiday that surrounds food (all of them) this is an especially difficult day. But to all you who do consume adult beverages, just remember that for every serving of chips and salsa you don't have, it's another drink you do have. And I'd much rather be drunk personally. I'm off to do a shitton of homework, I have a massive lab report due on monday. But have a great weekend lovelies!!!


Be safe and think skinny!!!!

Busy busy...

School is absolutely killer, but the good news is I'm running more, faster, and for longer. I got a promotion that will make me editor-in-chief of the yearbook next year. It will also keep me more busy than is healthy. Which is perfect. 

I promise I haven't forgotten about blogger. I think about blogging every day. I just struggle to make time when I know Eli will be looking over my shoulder. I don't have a desk or anything. I do all my homework at the kitchen table. Which is fine, but it doesn't give me any privacy for anything like this. I am looking at apps for my ipad, or some sort of integration with safari or mail so that I can post without getting on the website... Because that is what Eli recognizes. Seeing me type a whole bunch is nothing special. It's just where I type it.

But I have a couple of ideas. =]

So we'll see.

soon.

xxxblakexxx