I'm a good girl with a lot of bad habits...

I need to start running again, my roommates and I were hitting the gym a few times a week. But their motivation died off, I can tell. We never go anymore. I'm afraid my weight will start creeping up. My scale was fixed. And now is 100 percent broken. So I have no idea what I weigh. I just know it is too much and I hate myself.

All of myself.

How can Eli love me when I despise myself this much?
hope all ya'll had a good thanksgiving.

xxxblakexxx

130s is wishful thinking...

So not gonna happen by tomorrow, but I did get to hit up the gym today. It felt good, I know it's time to  start making it a habit again... If I do that, I'll start tanning again when I get to the 130s nothing like stripping naked a couple times a week to encourage you to lose weight...

hope your halloween doesn't have too many sweet things...

xxxblakexxx

142.2

Getting there,
130s by halloween. Hopefully 138, but I'd be happy if it were 139.9 just so I can see those numbers again.

Went biking today. Swear to god I almost died. There were rocks, and it was uphill, and then downhill, and I couldn't stop. And yeah, think I'm gonna stick to running haha.

Stay strong lovelies.

You can do this =]

so can I!
xxxblakexxx

145.0

Not great by any means, but 2 pounds more than I had expected. If only I could keep it going at this rate... I know I can't, but god damn. I feel that high again. I know it's back, I've sunk.

And all I want to do is keep on sinking. :)

Keep on shrinking, yeah.

xxxblakexxx

GROSS!!!

So apparently my scale was broken... Which means I have been gaining weight without knowing it. I actually weigh 150.8lbs WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I don't know how. I feel so fat. And lazy. This will change. I won't let it be me. I will be thin again. 147 by friday. It can't be that hard.

It's just the same as before. Only I'm a little more desperate now.

xxxblakexxx

And So it Begins... Again

After something resembling a summer vacation, school is here again... I'd like to say I'm excited. That I'm really looking forward to this year. But I can't say that I am honestly. I mean, here I am, looking at my last year of my undergrad. And there is no excitement. None at all. I have the potential to do really well, if only I avoid letting my head get in the way. But secretly, I know it will again. It always does. It's just a matter of how well I can hide it this time around. I've spent months trying to be 'better' whatever that means. But I'm not better. I don't want to be better. I want to be thin.

I'm ashamed of myself. A year ago november, I was at a low weight. 128 pounds. And here I am ballooned to 143.

Somethings gotta give. Guess it's gonna be me. 

I can weigh 141 by Sunday night. I can. I will. 

Watch me.

stay strong, think thin 

xxxblakexxx

I was doing better.

But I'm slipping. I know that much. I'll be back soon lovelies. Unfortunately, I may never leave again. Xxxblake

Do you ever stop and think: Wow, what if?

What if this hadn't happen to me? What if I could just eat when I was hungry, and stop when I was full. What if dessert was just good food. Instead of number and calories and fat. So. much. fat.

What if when I smiled, It was for real.

What if I didn't relish being alone just because it meant I didn't have to eat.

What if I could just be happy. Really, truly, happy.

What if you could too?

xxxBlakexxx

Stay Strong.

Half Marathon, For the Lose...

I thought I would be so proud of myself. I ran my first half marathon yesterday. But I can only think about how much faster I should have been, and could have been. If I just weighed less. Living with Eli and his roommate has blown me up to a hefty 143lbs. I'm disgusting.

My time was 2 hours and 27 minutes.
It should have been 1 hour and 46.

45 minutes too fat.

I'm so humiliated. I ran it with Eli, and the instructor asked him to time himself during the summer and let her know what it was. Even she knew he would have been faster without me. How fucking pathetic is that. I'm sitting in a chair to write this, and all I can feel is my fucking fat rolls. I wish I were dead. Better than living in this body of mine.

Stay Strong

I am so stressed. Everything is just falling apart. I want to cut. I want to scream and starve and slam my head into a wall. But I have no time to throw a fit.

Stay strong ladies.
Stay strong for me.
xxxblakexxx

Fast with Me?

This has been a fatass weekend. I mean, up until last night It wasn't too bad. But I effed it over. My puppy was up sick half the night and I kept finding myself in the kitchen. Ugh

Its okay though (not really), tomorrow I fast, then I only eat with my parents on tuesday night, and then I fast on wednesday.

I'll feel light again. I can't wait until I am light.

xxxblakexxx

New House.

It's beautiful.

and I'm fat.

I don't deserve to be here.. Fuck my life.

But I finally feel at home. Two more years until I move again.

Oh,

and I have space to exercise without being bothered, as well as a fenced back yard.
FUCK. YES.

this girl is just phenomenal to me. fucking thinspo

xxxblakexxx

Why you no like?

My fingers are purple. It's almost 70 degrees outside and I'm curled up in a hoodie and jeans. Eli looks at me like I'm nuts. I'm not sure this should come as any surprise to him.

I'm drowning in mass amounts of homework. And I'm moving tomorrow/all this week. I'm excited about the place. It's an actual house, and I won't have to move for two more years. But I'm so damn tired!

And hungry
kind of.

I mean, I had went for a run and then had a little bit of pineapple and blueberries (70cal) and now I'm working on a cherry coke zero. But there is this damn cliff bar taunting me. I have class until 9pm tonight so I know I'll need it at some point just to stay focused. But if I eat it, then I lose control... And I don't want to lose control.

I've ballooned up to 139.2 lbs and I hate it. I have a billion goals, but the current focus is my sororities house dance at the end of next week. I will be down to 135 by then. I'm determined.

Then my weight will lower... I'm not sure how fast it'll happen. But it will.

Keep focused on your goals. They aren't out of reach.





 xxxblakexxx

Close, but No Cigar.

Thank god.
I came so close to opening up to a friend of mine last night. He seemed like he genuinely cared. Brought up a couple of things about my weight, mentioned that he really liked me when I looked healthy freshman year of uni. I don't know why, but I felt compelled to talk to him.

The good news is,
I didn't.

I convinced myself that if right now felt good. So would another time. I'm glad I did. Because by the end of the night he showed me what an immature boy he still is. I can tell he still likes me too. But he came very close to crossing the line with me and that just pissed me off. He knows I have a boyfriend, and he said he respects that even though it bums him out. But there is just something about the way he acted last night...

It was subtle, but it wasn't right and I didn't like it.

Felt like I was being hit on.

And that makes my skin crawl.




I don't know what it is about the possibility of being attractive to someone that freaks me out... I mean, Eli thinks I'm attractive. I KNOW that (I don't know why, but...) It just makes me sick, and nervous.

Eli actually asks if he can take my shirt off when we have sex. He asks if I'd be too cold without it, I nearly always say yes but we both know it's not about the temperature. I know its pathetic, my boyfriend asks to take my shirt off like he's asking someone to 'please pass the butter'. I mean, this is sex for chrissake!

I feel like pounding my head against a wall. I won't though, no time for that.
I'm just frustrated with life and myself, and I'm scared of the future even though it will all work out.

I'm scared of everything, because that's who I am, and who I'll always be.

 xxxblakexxx

Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Or Cinco de Drinko... ;)

As with any holiday that surrounds food (all of them) this is an especially difficult day. But to all you who do consume adult beverages, just remember that for every serving of chips and salsa you don't have, it's another drink you do have. And I'd much rather be drunk personally. I'm off to do a shitton of homework, I have a massive lab report due on monday. But have a great weekend lovelies!!!


Be safe and think skinny!!!!

Busy busy...

School is absolutely killer, but the good news is I'm running more, faster, and for longer. I got a promotion that will make me editor-in-chief of the yearbook next year. It will also keep me more busy than is healthy. Which is perfect. 

I promise I haven't forgotten about blogger. I think about blogging every day. I just struggle to make time when I know Eli will be looking over my shoulder. I don't have a desk or anything. I do all my homework at the kitchen table. Which is fine, but it doesn't give me any privacy for anything like this. I am looking at apps for my ipad, or some sort of integration with safari or mail so that I can post without getting on the website... Because that is what Eli recognizes. Seeing me type a whole bunch is nothing special. It's just where I type it.

But I have a couple of ideas. =]

So we'll see.

soon.

xxxblakexxx

Thinspo with Pets

I was feeling inspired with the coming puppy and all... So here is some thinspiration for everyone =]

xxxblakexxx

PUPPY!!!

I get to pick him up monday from the airport!!!

His name is Wi-Fi
and he is the most precious thing ever!!!

 He is a purebred italian greyhound, and he is going to keep me sane. I am so in love with him already! And plus, the breed can run up to 25mph when they are full grown ;)

I'm happy right now. I'm also floaty. I haven't eaten at all today, but I'm drinking with some friends tonight so I'm sure it'll make up for it. =[

I start training for a half marathon on monday, it's a class on campus, so I'll be very motivated to keep up with it. As I'm paying for it... I also meet Eli's Sister in Law this coming weekend, and she's a doctor, and a recovered anorexic. So I'm actually fairly nervous about meeting her. I hear we're a lot alike. Hah.  I just hope she doesn't see anything in me that reminds her of herself. Because I don't want to raise any eyebrows.

We'll see. Meanwhile, I'll focus on the puppy!!!!!!!!!!

xxxblakexxx

I MISSED YOU ALL!!!

LOVELIES!

Life has been SO crazy! I am now living full time with Eli and his roomie.
I am getting an Italian Greyhound Puppy soon!
My grades are good!
And I am fat.
Really.... I don't even know how much I weigh.. I just know that my normal pants don't fit quite right anymore....

However, I am taking a half marathon training class with Eli this coming term (it's spring break now) and I should drop some weight.

I've started tanning, which is hell weird (by this I mean I went tanning, once, day before yesterday). I will be darker though, and it forces me to stand naked in a booth. I hate being naked. So it's fabulous motivation to get back on the skinny train. I don't know what all happened... I think between classes, and moving, and life. My ultimate happiness kind of fell by the wayside. But not anymore. =] Thank god.

I'm going to get on top of this. I'm going to be happy.

I know this is a shit post. But they'll all start getting better. My posts always get better once I'm back in the groove. I decided I should stop waiting for something epic to write, and just write...

Love you all.

Can't wait to hear from you!

xxxblakexxx
yesterday, I said tomorrow. In case tomorrow never comes, I'm starting today.