Sick...

I'm awfully sick right now... I haven't made it to campus, which means I haven't been exercising. Mainly because I feel like I'm going to pass out whenever I stand up.

I'm frustrated and feeling gross. I am laying in bed like a fat ass. But it has been a great excuse to fast. I'm frustrated that I'm not making as much progress as I would have made if I had been exercising regularly over the past couple of days. But I'm still down a couple of pounds! so I'm happy about that. Time to dip down in the 140s, and it should happen by monday at this rate. If not though, I'm not too worried. Deadlines really aren't necessary. I'll get there. It's been driving me crazy to lose so slow lately. But I know its real. and I know it's not going to come back. That, I am thankful for.

(weight ticker updated)

Sorry for the crappy post guys, I just feel awful, and I'm going back to sleep.

xxxblakexxx

Fasting and Goals

Today, I was supposed to start fasting, that was ruined by my lovely friend Phillip. However, I manages to get away with a 143 calorie lettuce wrap, so I really can’t complain too much about it. I got to have lunch with a friend, and I kept myself safe in the process.

I’m still going to fast today, It’s just starting later, Eli is coming home tonight, but he’s coming home late, and I’ll have already ‘eaten’ and so will have he.

When I’m thin, I’ll get the internship I want.

When I’m thin, I won’t be working at Arby’s anymore.

When I’m thin. My life will be perfect.

I'm staying strong, ladies, so can you.

xxxblakexxx

Inner Strength

Yesterday was weird...

I'd been doing so good. And then, without even thinking I was eating a 600 calorie sandwich. Generally this begins a binge for me, that I can't recover from. But not this time, this time. I was strong. I got home and headed straight for the kitchen, sure that I would eat everything in sight. I cut myself a tiny slice of cheese and half way through it, something clicked. And I stopped. Just like that.

It's a kind of strength I didn't know I had, maybe because I've let off some of the pressure. I don't feel like I'm scrambling. There are no deadlines right now. I don't have to eat everything in sight, because I know I'm going to eat at some point.

It felt good. It was, powerful.

Ladies, Keep your vision clear. Focus on your goals. You have this.

xxxblakexxx

Pain, Pills, Procrastination, & an Ephiphany

I ran 5.5 miles today, I was kickboxing yesterday. I'll be doing kickboxing tomorrow. Then if I'm lucky, Zumba on friday. Needless to say. I really, really, hurt.

Intake today has been good, an apple(65), half a reduced sugar power bar(135), 1 packet of hammer gel energy gu(90)

Output is at 569 calories.

So I'm well in the negative. That much I'm proud of, but I'm just having issues with life in general. I'm exhausted. I forgot to make my followup with my doctor(for my adderall refill) and now I don't have one until May 10th, and I'm out, so I'm back to not being able to pay attention in class =[

I don't feel like I'm exercising enough. My weight is at 154. which is disgusting, but my clothes are getting looser. And up until today, I'd been eating fairly normally. I'm so confused. =[ I'm down from 157 that I was at not too long ago, still gross. but at least its progress. Never enough. I'm never going to be thin enough. I feel like I'm procrastinating on living my life. Procrastinating on getting thin, Procrastinating on being happy.

And I HATE it.

I just want to be skinny.

But wanting isn't enough, it's time to start doing. But I'm getting there, eating normally has made exercising more, much easier. So I'm going to exercise as much as I can before I gradually start restricting again. And it's going to be very gradual. Rushing into something won't do me any good. It won't be real weight, and I realize that now, it's taken me almost a year. A year of fucking yo-yoing but I really get it. I know it has to be slow, two pounds here, another pound there. But it'll happen, and it won't come back. I really want to dip back into the 140s by the end of the month. I know I'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen. But I also know, that if it takes another week past that, that it will be legitimate.

Slow and steady wins the race. I can't keep speeding my way to the finish line, I just burn out. But one year from now, I'll have found a new low weight, and I'll look FUCKING GORGEOUS. One day at a time.

Mistakes are going to happen.
But I'm going to prevail, and so will all of you.

bye for now lovelies

back to class

xxxblakexxx

See you in 1 lb

Struggles and Schoolwork

I've got about a million and one things going on right now, and I'm definitely having issues keeping up. I know it'll all be worth it in the end. I really do, it's just that the end seems so far away sometimes.

I really want to write more... I just, don't have it in me.

And there are ants in my apartment. so I really shouldn't sit until each and every one is dead or deterred.

60 cal of yogurt

1 orange

Skinny girl diet says i've only consumed the orange. sweet.

good luck everyone, see you in 1lb.