Eli is Reading...

I don't know how I feel about it either...

He only read my most recent post. But nonetheless, I feel like my privacy has been invaded. And I shouldn't. He's read far more interesting things than that.

I think it's because he didn't ask.

And partly because I've been working so hard to make him think I'm fine. And he doesn't believe me.

But mostly. Because I'm not fine. Not at all, and I don't want him to know about it.

xxxblakexxx

A crime committed.

The only witness to what happened last night is silent... My secret is safe. No one ever has to know, except you. More out of duty, than want to share. I'm going to tell, because I brought the embarrassment on myself. And if no one knows, the crime may be committed again.

I believe there is a special kind of hell set aside for gluttons, maybe the hell exists only in their minds. Where they are forced to live their days knowing that they are pigs. Begging for change, hoping to one day ascend into a restrictive state of euphoria. Rather than the numbness that comes with a binge.

As long as I can remember, we've been taught in school to 'just say no' be it to drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever. Yet as soon as we leave those bustling halls, and return to our own homes. We are taught to say 'please', and 'thank you'. To ask, and to receive. Please pass the dinner rolls. Thank you for the butter. If we were offered something, and refused to take it. Well, that would be simply unacceptable. We'd receive a harsh talking to. And maybe a swat, a reminder that being polite is more important than being happy, to say yes, is far more important than being comfortable.

On the other side of the page, the media shows us gorgeous models. Who exemplify what is wanted in every male fantasy and represent every female aspiration. Submissive, with 'Yes, of course' written on pouting lips. And 'No, Never!' Written all over the body. We are taught that to refuse pleasure is the most important thing. After all, our parents have taught us that being polite is more important than our own comfort . Yes, we as women, represent pleasure central for men. Always wanting, always, willing. Even if we get nothing in return.

We have all been taught to say no. So how then, is food such a struggle?

Because we were never taught to say no when we wanted. Only when the situation called for, or our teachers and parents decided it was appropriate. Not because we were full. Not because we didn't like it. Not because we didn't want it. We, women. Are just receptacles. But we better attractive ones, or we will end up rejected, huddled outside McDonald's, or the dive bar downtown.

I believe that Anorexia, be it a disease of the mind. Is also a way of finally saying 'No.', 'I won't.', 'I don't have to.', and 'You can't make me.'. Finally a chance to take the control that has been stolen from us since childhood. It is my opinion, that although some of us who develop eating disorders have other triggers, more underlying causes. Every one of us will agree, as will many therapists, and specialists, that eating disorders, Anorexia especially, are a definitive means of control. More-so than any other disorder. Anorexia is gripped by those who notice. I'm sorry, Anorexia, grips those who notice.

Perhaps, if time was taken, to not only teach us how to say no. But to also teach us that 'No', said politely, is always acceptable. Then maybe there wouldn't be this intenal power struggle. Maybe then, there wouldn't be the need to prove to ourselves how little we can live with. To prove to others all we can do without.

I know the witness to yesterdays crime wont tell a soul, so here will be my only source of embarassment. This crime, is not as awful as others I've committed. But for reasons unknown to me, I feel far worse. I spent some time neatly portioning out some leftover pizza, and putting it in the freezer. When suddenly an emotional hunger I'd yet to experience overtook me, and I forced myself to sit down. Only when I no longer wanted, could I allow myself to have. And even then, to indulge once, and break my fast would be a crime in itself.

I sat, staring at the freezer door. It was the only way I could be sure my mind was not tricking me. The only way I could know for absolute positive that I was not at that freezer door. I decided then, that I'd have to wait for the pizza to be completely frozen before I could eat it. Before I could reheat even a tiny bit. So I began my workout, 50 sit-ups, 50 leglifts, repeat. 10 pushups, 40 jumping jacks, repeat. Nothing out of the ordinary there. Then it was time for water before I could eat. Another procrastination tool. Again, ordinary. But instead of going into the kitchen as always, to get a drink of ice cold water from the fridge. I walked to the bathroom to get a drink. Totally out of the ordinary. Halfway through that pitiful glass, I realized what I was doing... Hiding in my own bathroom. From myself! How ridiculous!

So I marched straight into the kitchen and got my water, and since I was there... Right by the freezer, well I should at least check on the pizza. See if it's almost done. I'd only check one piece, the last one I put in. If it was frozen, then I could eat. At that moment, everything got a bit fuzzy. The last piece I put in, hadn't even started to freeze yet... Had it really only been a couple of minutes?

Then I take a bite of it, Just one...

To understand what happens next, you have to be disordered... To fully comprehend the mind numbing sensation associated with a binge...

Minutes later, I'm cornered on my kitchen floor. Food all around me... What have I done? The days worth of work, gone. Poof. Just like that. Somewhere around 800 calories of pizza, crackers, and cream cheese. All stuffed in my now disgustingly protruding stomach.

Only then do I realize what has happened. Only then, do i allow myself to think about it. Regardless of undoing my days work. The thing that really scares me is the loss of control. And it's left me wondering if I'll ever get it back. I cleaned up the mess, and curled up in bed. Leaving my witness behind... Praying I'd wake up and find it be nothing but a nightmare.

As I walked back into the kitchen this morning, a blissful half pound lighter than the night before. I was sure it was just an awful dream. Then, a saddening reminder placed haphazardly on the kitchen counter.

The teddy bear Eli gave me for valentines day, staring mindlessly into the corner I'd been in the night before.

But not to worry. My secret is safe with him.

control: a dangerous thing to lose, when you dance with Ana.

xxxblakexxx

Unbelievable...

I got my final grades tonight. I passed everything! It's amazing!

Biology C-

Geography B

English B

History B+

I'm not particularly proud of any of these grades, but I passed.. That's the importance of it all, I'm actually proud of myself.

I'm doing a liquid fast tomorrow, I am allowed 220 calories (it's 220 because that's two servings of slimfast if I use water. and it curbs my appetite like none other) And i would love it if some of you would join me!'

today, my stomach was looking ridiculously flat considering how it actually is I was pretty pleased. it's really motivating! i actually ended up with the day off work tomorrow, and i'm going to use it to make the paddle for my big and i intend to spend at the least, two hours at the gym. i figure if i do that with my liquid fasting my weight should be down another pound or so tomorrow. i hope.

my anticipation is really beginning to rise about next term and all the exercise classes, i really hope i can fit in, and keep up. i'm terribly afraid that i'm going to be the fat girl. but as long as i keep eating like this, i wont be by the end of the term.

plans plans plans. they make me feel safe.

xxxblakexxx

Weightless

Manage me, I'm a mess.
Turn a page, I'm a book, Half unread.
I wanna be laughed at, Laughed with, just because.
I wanna feel weightless, And that should be enough.

I got quite a bit of work done on the blog today =] I've been laying in bed for literally hours, and I'm still in bed now. But I'm also in an infinite amount of pain from all the snowboarding yesterday. Even with everything I ate though, I still lost a pound with all the exercise. So I'm resting today, and doing a zero cal fast. My body needs a break from everything for a little while, and I don't think I'm going anywhere today, except for the craft store (maybe) to get stuff for my Bigs paddle for our sorority. Even that seems like too much effort though.

I'm working a list of incentives for my goal weight, because, well... A little incentive goes a long way with me..

I'm thinking of a cute duffel bag for the gym when I hit 139, since that's been the biggest struggle. And I'm going to get myself a really expensive red bracelet when I hit 129 for more than 3 days in a row. But I want one or maybe two goals in between those two, and I'd love some relatively inexpensive ideas. It doesn't have to be 5 dollars or anything, but not as much as jewelry. And I'd prefer to avoid clothes... I always overspend =[

I'm going to have a pain pill and take a nap

Hope to hear some ideas from all you lovelies soon!

xxxblakexxx

17 hours...

It's how long i've been up... i'm just so tired. my parents came to visit today, we went out for dinner. i managed to stay under 600 cal for the whole day though, which is usually hard around them. but i'm proud of myself.

i'm going to go snowboarding with Eli tomorrow, so i'll have to eat more. but its also really physical so i should come out about even, looking at burning around 1000 cal.

i'll try and work on the page some more and get more up soon. i've been busier than i planned and it's gonna stay that way till tuesday or wednesday night at this point. but i'll try and get some snippets up.

haven't lost as quickly as i'd been hoping to. i have ten more pounds to go by next monday to reach my spring break goal, and i dont know if it's going to happen, but i'm also going to try to liquid fast as soon as eli goes home again, and if i can squeeze in some exercise.. or even walking. that should help.

he'll be back in my room soon, so i gtg.

stay strong lovelies.

i'll be back soon

xxxblakexxx

Yuck...

I absolutely hate the dentist. With a horrific passion. Part of it may be fear but I've just never had a really good experience that involved a dentist. And that drill. Ugh.

Yet here I am. In that awful chair. Someone please just kill me.
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AHHHH!!!

My term is finally OVER!!!!!!

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Only 12 More Hours...

In 12 hours, with all luck, I'll be leaving my last final.

In 12 hours, Eli will be on the coast and I'll be empty and losing

In 12 hours, I'll start mapping out my spring break

In 12 hours, I won't have any homework

In 12 hours, I will be starting fresh

In 12 hours, I will be free

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Hello Lovelies! The blog is still a work in progress, but I'm getting there.

I hope St. Patrick's day is good for all of you! and I hope you manage to avoid all the gross cookies and cupcakes that accompany the day...

Remember, we haven't come this far to be beaten by a cookie!

Much love to all of you! i'll update for real soon!

xxxblakexxx

Here's some green inspired thinspo to start your day off =]

Site Under Construction

I'm working on making this site a bit brighter, with more info.

So stick with me everyone as it's going to take a bit.

I know my bookshelf page is a bit messed up right now, but I'm gonna work on it when I'm done studying.

Please email me with any ideas you have !!!!

anasarms@hotmail.com

xxxblakexxx

Finals Week

Finals week holds an infinite amount of stress for me as well as a million other college students all over the world. The stress of sitting exams, the likelihood of passing nothing. Having to apply for an appointed office at Kappa Delta(Sorority). Trying to figure out where I'm going to be living next year. Trying to figure out how I'm going to lose all the weight that I've gained as finals have ballooned me to a new high.

I have some plans to assist me in this:

Spring Break;

i'm rewriting all my Ana notebooks (thinspiration, as well as a way to consume my time, instead of my food)

i'm going to find one pair of new running shoes

i'm gonna be working a whole bunch =[

cleaning my apartment... REALLY REALLY cleaning!

Any and all reading i do is going to be strictly eating disorder related. THANK GOD.

Next Term:

i signed up for a good number of exercise classes =]

cardio kickboxing(1 hour 15 min, 2x per week)

cardio combo (s/a)

Running/Jogging(s/a)

Fitness Walking(s/a)

This is all going to be in addition to my normal classes and my work and exercise schedule. But I'm really excited about it =]

xxx lovelies

Till the end of finals!!!

blake

Haters

How is it that no one will say a thing, when you're struggling, and starving.

But the second you mention seeing a doctor about a metabolism issue you've had since 8 YEARS OLD. You're just shortcutting. If I was shortcutting I would have done it by now. It isn't manageable. I was bigger at 12 years old than I am now. And I'm starving just to maintain.

So. If you want to hate. GET THE FUCK OUT.

Goals

I've been making a mental list of what I need to accomplish before spring term starts, and here's what I've been thinking about.

I'm going to gradually start rewriting them into just one journal. That'll be able to go into a binder with all my favorite blogger posts, recipes, and safe foods. When I get the chance I'm going to add an extra page to my blog with a list of good ED books as well as two downloadable .pdf files (Wasted & Wintergirls) So look for that along with my next blog posts...

I've been journaling my food intake for ABC so I'll add a page with that as well so everyone can track my progress and shout at me when I get out of line!

I miss so many of my blogger friends right now... You all mean so much to me and it kills me how busy I've been. But it's good.

I've been watching things change, some friends seek out recovery and struggle towards normalcy. While others have gradually found recovery just by living their lives. There are others who are gradually sinking deeper, and a few caught in limbo... But we're all going to find out... I'm curious to see where we'll all be a year from now...

Success is near! Thank god. I'm going to do ABC like my life depends on it. (it does) Because if I make it count, I could be shopping for new clothes by this summer (I will)

And the best addition of all, I'm taking 3, maybe 4 activity classes next term (but 3 for sure) It'll be helpful, guaranteeing me exercise 4 times per week. (monday through thursday, at the very least!) I'll always be getting exercise!!!!!!!!

Although if all goes well I'm going to aim for extra exercise on fridays, and Eli is jogging with me on weekends.

Provided it all goes well, this should get me in good enough shape buy they end of the summer to start running (preferably to work)

And I'm buying running shoes during spring break!!!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!!

-And that's my story.

(this blog post has been randomized and brought to you by LOTS OF CAFFEINE!)

XXXBLAKEXXX

Love you all!!!! =] xxx

What have I forgotten???

SO MUCH IS HAPPENING!

Can you believe I finally got permission???

After all this time, after all the worrying, questioning, and lying. All it took was acting healthy & telling him I was going on a diet. I was a little worried when he looked up what the ABC diet was. And I know he bit his tongue. But it doesn't matter, I have FINALLY won.

Congratulations to Ana's Girl! I know it will be hards, but you can do this! This baby has to be healthy, so respect your body because you only get this one time to make sure your baby gets off to the best start possible. Remember when you feel weak, that it's about the baby. Not you, and most importantly, not Ana. Also, Remember! I'm only a text or email away if you ever need a reminder. So again, Congrats dear! You and Jacob are going to do great!

I'm on Day 4 of ABC, I had a bit of a slip up, but I'm not too worried, I'm fasting for the next two days, with addition, to work and exercising I'll more than makeup for the mistake today, the goal is to be around 300 cal in the negative each day. I feel strong, knowing I'm fasting when it isn't even necessary. And knowing that if I go over my cal goal I'm still barely having anything. Past my exercise. Vegetarian. thin girl. I will be thin by my 18th birthday. I have to be.. There really isn't a better motivation...

My period started today... Barely, but nonetheless I feel like a failure. Like my body is getting away with something horrible. It's from eating nonstop for a few weeks, It has been months since the last one, so I know that this is healthy. I know it's better for me.

I know it's healthy. But I hate it. I feel less invincible.

Healthy doesn't exactly have excellent connotations in my mind... FAT, is the implications.

I can't wait to be free. Free of my fat, my disgust, all of it. I'm going to be pretty. I just know it. And it isn't far away.. Just a bit more dedication.

It's actually an amazing feeling, no longer wanting to starve out of existence, just to a less visible self.

Was there ever such a thing as a happy anorexic?

Was there ever such a thing

as an old anorexic?

I'm going to be happy, I'm sick of the EDNOS label. To be honest it just doesn't seem real, and really, 'I just want to be the best Anorexic I can be.' (this was stolen from an article I read recently) It's a chilling concept, but it's what every blogger is striving for, we just want to share our journey to perfection. We all know where we're headed. And we know we won't stop when we should. I have to be a happy Anorexic regardless of a crazy fear of food. I'm determined to have a crazy love for life. It's not optional, I have to, for me, for Eli.

I know I'll never be thin enough.

I'm always going to want to be thinner, but if I'm not willing to let myself be happy. To choose to be happy, there's no point continuing in this world at all.

I've also gotten a new doctor, one with no knowledge of my medical history. And on monday morning, I finally get to talk.

He's going to be a doctor that never will know how I see myself. Because it isn't really relevant to the problem at hand. All he'll know is that I have a possible thyroid imbalance...

Because really. It's insane to have to starve myself just to maintain my weight. And to have to starve and exercise like crazy just to lose a tiny bit.

I know all the symptoms of hypothyroidism, and I have most of them. Essentially my metabolism is really slow due to an issue in my thyroid gland... Most of the women in my family have thyroid issues, so with my family history, it doesn't come as much of a surprise. They'll do a quick little test and provided my thyroid levels are where I imagine they are I'll probably get on a mild dose of thyroid that will at least put my metabolism where it should be.

Veggie Diet: FEELS SO GOOD! I love knowing that theres not a chance that I'm going to eat meat. It feels pure, it's really phenomenal. And lents starts on Wednesday (regardless of my lack of catholicism) I'm celebrating the practice anyway in support of a Chiara. I'm giving up all sweets, in addition to meats. With it being a religious practice, no one can argue it. And Eli completely supports it! Because he wants me happy =]

I'm really ecstatic about life right now. It really couldn't get much better. I'm finally a vegetarian!!