Repeatedly, I've said myself... I'm struggling with an eating disorder.... We all say it, we call it a horrible disease, and then admit that it is all that we even want. We admit that we're killing ourselves. We know what we're doing. I don't care what anyone says, someone with an eating disorder knows what they are doing, they just may not know why they are doing it. None of us are struggling with an eating disorder... We are struggling with normality. Normality is where are problems lie, why we lie. Not our issues with our eating disorders...
I love Eli, I really do... And he says things that are just so sweet...And sometimes he says stuff he means to be sweet. I think, he very much just may not think about it..
I'd be afraid to take him dirt biking..
which says something since you'll take me
Ya, but I know you're tough
I'm flattered but, I want to be capable, but not more tough than his guy friends...
We talked briefly about ed... His words on it.
I'm proud of you. You don't get as nervous anymore around food...
I'd almost had a panic attack at lunch. Which means I hide it better than I used to. My leg shakes constantly, so I'm always burning at least a few calories. I've eaten half amounts of what everyone else eats. I am always talking, no one notices. He said he never sees me on blogger, I'm on every day. Never sees me check other proAna sites. They're even on my phone history.
"Has anyone noticed how many people are just.. Fading away? How everyone just seems to disappear? For being thin enough to fade away, to fade away because someone, or something has gotten to them, something that makes them happier. And yet I am thankful for that, for seeing that there are ways out, to know that these people are offline because they are busy recovering, or either busy with family, friends and lovers. Things that make them happy. It is comforting to know that these things are out there for everyone, for us, especially for us. The few that are left behind, who are struggling, fighting. Who get knocked off their feet, but climb right back up as we are running towards our goals."
This is a quote from Corrupted Fairytale, and something that has been weighing heavily on my mind... I haven't gone anywhere, Ana is all that consumes my thoughts, but I've been spending too much time around my parents... and I can't afford for them to question anything... My weight has been up and down and up and down... And Recently I hit 155 again... I couldn't cope so I insisted to everyone that we all needed to eat healthier.. I'm down 3 solid pounds since then... Which isn't much. But it was steady and it is gone for good. That's what I need, I need it all gone for good.
Stay strong ladies, I'll be back, I just can't keep writing blog posts at work so I have internet... People are going to know sooner or later... But it's going to be because I'm too thin to ignore... Not because I messed up.
I am so sorry I haven't been updating like I'd planned things have been crazy...
The good news is I saw my doctor today, and he says my weight is stable enough to go a month without seeing him... then I pushed my appointment out another week. So five weeks from now I see my doctor again... And this time I'm going to do something different for a bit. I want to drop just five pounds by then. My head is screaming at me... And Ana is telling me I'm a dumb bitch. But I'm gonna give this a try. Instead of yo-yo-ing around like I do, I'm going to try and get rid of five pounds that can't ever come back. My doctor will see it as healthy weight loss and I can continue to plug along slowly until my 18th birthday. I've been struggling so hard for results that I know I could achieve quickly... But that really is going to complicate my life right now. If I lose slowly and steadily I'll win this in the end. It will just take me far too long.
But beggars can't be choosers... So I'm going to do my best.
I'm sorry for the crappy post, but I'm just depressed... It'll be better... I just need to lose.. I need to lose faster.. But i can't right now.. and I know that.
I'm going to take care of myself. I'm going to exercise even more. And I'll let the weight melt like that. Then when it gets too hard to lose that way, this spring. I'm going to restrict the hell out of me.
My blog posts are going to be sporadic for a while, I can tell.. I just need to help myself for awhile.. I'm getting depressed. Right now I don't care much about what happens to me. Which I never have experienced before...
I'm going to get thin lovelies. I'm just going to go against everything I believe in to accomplish it for a while. I'll miss you all.. But I have to keep my doctor off my back for a little while..
I love you all. I'm going to miss you bunches... Feel free to email me. I'd love to hear how you're all doing.
I just barely made it to my OCHEM final today =/ But I made it nonetheless =]
Intake: 70
Output: 306
Subtotal:-236
Life is really good =]
I just got a phone call from the bike shop explaining that they get the last part tomorrow so that theyll have my motorcycle done tomorrow afternoon or Friday. Either way, on both those days I'm free all morning and afternoon. So it's super exciting. I'm a bit afraid of what it's going to look like though =[
Anyway, I see my mom tonight around 7 or 8pm I am pretty sure she's going to try and take me out for dinner which is just the worst. =/ I'm going to avoid it with everything in me, hopefully I can convince her I've already eaten and don't feel very well. No matter what, I'm not allowed bread or meat for the next 24 hours. Which can cut out some major cals =] I also have this recipe list I made and if she really wants us to have a snack we can make something out of that =] I'm just going to try and convince her I'd rather make something at home then go out to dinner. Restaurants cook such scary things =/
-My point exactly.... Anyway!!!
ABC Vegetables N' Chili servings: 8 ... calories: 24 ... fat: 2
° 1 lb ground chicken breast, s
kinless
° 1/2 c onions, chopped
° 1/2 c bell peppers, chopped
° 3 c water
° 15 ozs tomato sauce
° 15 ozs stewed tomatoes, undr
ained
° 2 tsps chili powder
° 1 tsp salt
° 1/4 tsp black pepper
° 2 c canned mixed vegetables, drained
° 1 c alphabet pasta, uncooked
In a large saucepan, combine chicken, onions, and bell peppers. Cook over medium hig
h heat, stirring occasionally, until chicken
is no longer pink. Add water, tomato sauce, stewed tomatoes, chili powder, salt, and black pepper. Continue cook
ing, stirring
occasionally, until chili comes to a boil. Add mixed vegetables and pasta. Reduce heat to medium low. Continue cooking, stirring
often, until flavors are blended, 20 minutes.
Its not too bad. And for all you lovely Ana's who don't have to deal with parents looking over your shoulder its a great thing to keep around... (and even for those of you who do... no one needs to know how low cal it is ;] )
Also! Here's a yummy dessert!
No Bake Gingersnap Balls servings: 20...calories: 58 ...fat: 2
° 1 1/4 c unbleached flour
° 1 tbsp baking powder
° 1 tsp pumpkin pie spice
° 1/4 tsp salt
° 1 1/2 c All Bran Cereal, original
° 1 c cranberries, coarsely chopped
In a mixing bowl, combine corn syrup and peanut butter. Mix well. Add crushed cookies. Mixture should hold together without
being sticky. Roll mixture into 20 one inch balls. Coat balls with powdered sugar. Chill
until ready to serve.
On a side note! The ginger that is in pumpkin pie spice helps get rid of nausea as well as boosting your metabolism for a time. So this is pretty damn good =]
Time to study for Bio, I'll update you all in the next couple days, I'm going to try and keep tonight at no more that 200 cal, so I have more than a metabolic deficit. Might even go for a jog or do sit ups or something. Either way, I'll keep you all up to date more often after tomorrows final!!!
Ugh, trouble with quickies lately.. But that's a story for another time....
Finals week update: Finals haven't started, much less finished and I'm already liquid fasting. I got on the scale a couple days ago at 151, went to the gym yesterday and left at 150 (on my home scale) 152.4 on the gym scale, (given I have to have clothes on at the gym). I'm liquid fasting (under 300 cal per day) until I'm 144. At that time I might extend it. but geeze. I'm a pig. I went and got my body fat percentage tested yesterday... Twenty -eight point fucking four. 28.4%!!!!! I'm a pig *oink oink* A fun fact I was shown however is the expected weight range... Which puts me at a whopping 150 for a healthy weight... Hah. A weight of 135 if I had a small frame, etc. So technically. Right now. I'm perfect. yuck. But it's all going to be fixed. Liquids until 144, and I'm going to make sure I exercise for a deficit of 200 cal per day. I had wanted to do some serious losing during this break. But to be honest, I hadn't expected this kind of motivation, I'm going to do my best to convince Eli to bring his scale that measures body fat percentage back with him at the end of break... Something for me to live off of. ;] I am done making excuses for myself, a day without exercise just isn't a day. From now on, I will not go to sleep until I have experienced some sort of exercise. NO matter what. I'm sick of this pig oinking at me in the mirror all the time.
Aside from all that, I've been reading thinspo like crazy, I'm beginning to love those stationary bikes that just let me read printed blog posts on them. Life is good. I'll be back soon lovelies with real updates! For now, I hope you're all losing weight on my behalf. Hopefully I'll be 144 by friday!! Thats the goal anyway! I'll see you all in a couple pounds!!!
There was a happy carefree girl that noticed nothing bad.
Then she met a boy who noticed everything.
Then she did too.
Then she was introduced to Ana, they became best friends. But Ana didn't like the way she looked, and convinced this girl that she'd be more successful if she lost a little weight, and a little more, and a little more... Repeating this mantra of more, more, more... Until that's all that consumes her thoughts. How can I lose more?
And she's trying.
But she's failing.
While she loathes around hating herself for it, the world keeps spinning, life goes on. She approaches new problems with the same positivity she's always had.. But in the end, just finds another disappointment.
I'm not a fan of the holiday season. It just means another term is ending, and with another term coming to a close, more work to be done. An essay to be writing, stress is piling up and I'm afraid my happy face just won't last me. But all it has to do is make it through tonight. That's when Eli leaves for winter break. That's when I get to pack up all the food in the apartment. That's when I will have four weeks of the right thing going on. It's a pity that more than vacation, starving is what I'm looking forward to.
I feel like I'm sitting in a dark abyss, just waiting to be pulled out. Even though I know that I'm the only person that could drag me out. I'm still sitting. Waiting, for Ana to come save me.
I thought she was always supposed to come save me...
